Need some reassurance

[librarychick]

I haven't heard from my bf in a week. The last time I saw him we had a great day together. He let me know that he'd be really busy during the week so he wasn't going to be able to see me, but he'd call. I haven't heard from him since. I finally gave up waiting and called him Friday. His mother said he wasn't home and she didn't know where he was. I tried a few more times this weekend to contact him and he was not home. His mother told me last night that he left in the morning and hadn't come back. She had no idea where he was.

 

I know he gets in these moods where he doesn't want to talk to anyone and I'm hoping that's what this is all about. He's been having problems with his step-father recently and I'm thinking maybe that's why he's been staying away from the house. He doesn't have a cell phone so I have no other way of reaching him.

 

Could someone just tell me I'm being paranoid? I tend to get worked up about stupid stuff. I don't know what to think. I haven't eaten since Friday and I can't sleep at night. I'm worried.

[MummyToAnAngel]

You say he's havin problems with his step-dad, maybe thats why he hasn't been home. I wouldn't worry too much. You did also say he gets in those moods where he doesn't want to talk to anybody. Maybe hes just havin one of them weeks? Isn't his mother worried or is this osmethin he does regularly?? In the mean time, you really must eat. Not eating won't help the matter. Get some food inside you. When was the last time you spoke to him? Has it been under a week? If so leave it till its been a week, try again, if his miother says she hasn't seen/heard from him, then i would start to really wonder where he is. Maybe phone the police. Hope that helps. x

[librarychick]

His mother made a comment to me last night when I called that "we're both at the same place" as far as knowing where he is. She did sound a little concerned, but seeing that we're both 30 and really don't have to account for our whereabouts, she didn't seem out of her mind with worry. It's been 8 days since I last spoke to him.

[Batya33]

Since you know he is ok, what you have to do for you is do as many distracting things as you can with your time. Call friends but do not speak to them about this - focus on whatever is going on in their lives, and, seriously, look into doing some kind of volunteer work with the elderly or children in your area - even if you cannot start this week, go through the process - it's distracting, productive, positive. Go for a long walk with uplifting music in your ears, work out at a gym, etc. You're done wasting time and energy thinking about him - obviously he is thoughtless enough not to at least let you know what's going on with him and so he is not worthy of your attention. Resist as much as possible wasting your time by analyzing.

[MummyToAnAngel]

So 8 days since you last spoke to him, and 1? since his mother spoke/saw him. I honestly wouldn't worry. Hes a man after all. Hehe. Give him till Wednesday maybe and phone his house again. If his mother hasn't seen or heard from him on Weds since last night then you could maybe phone the police and file a missin person case. I doubt it will come to that. His mum has seen him, so i would guess he's ok. All will be ok. Sorry im not much use, but i guess you have to be in this suituation to really say what you would do.

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

I also read your other posts, and I think this really makes you uncomfortable. It would make me wonder too, believe me! It's kind of weird if you don't hear from him a complete week, his busy schedules are not enough of a reason for this. Everyone can spare 5 minutes to write a sweet text to his gf/bf even if he/she is busier than ever.

 

You not eating since friday- not a good thing. You are just with him for a couple of months, right? I think things shouldn't be so difficult in the beginning. I can imagine he's moody, but if it's to the point where he starts to exclude you, I don't think it's a healthy thing. Can you imagine having a long term relationship with a guy that will disappear from the face of the planet from time to time? Is it something you can accept-- if there is really no 'reason' for him disappearing? I find it a bit suspicious to be honest. He promised to call-- he didn't. He shouldn't even have to be reminded to call you, if he's really into you he would call the first free second he has I think.

 

Ilse

[librarychick]

I know he seems like an insensitive jerk for not letting me know that he's going through something. (If that's why he hasn't called.) But he was in prison for a while and learned to internalize his problems. You can't talk to your cellmate about your emotional problems; it's just not done.

 

I know the response to his being in prison will be, "What? He was in prison?! Dump him!" But he's not the same person he was then. He was a kid who made some really bad choices and he's learned from his mistakes.

[MummyToAnAngel]

Just because hes been in prison, doesn't make him a bad person. I guess all you can do is wait, and take the advise you've been given.

[Batya33]

I know he seems like an insensitive jerk for not letting me know that he's going through something. (If that's why he hasn't called.) But he was in prison for a while and learned to internalize his problems. You can't talk to your cellmate about your emotional problems; it's just not done.

 

I know the response to his being in prison will be, "What? He was in prison?! Dump him!" But he's not the same person he was then. He was a kid who made some really bad choices and he's learned from his mistakes.

 

He may have learned from his mistakes but clearly he is not emotionally stable enough for the kind of relationship you want. So, let's say for example you are married and pregnant, close to the due date - is it ok with you if he disappears for a week because he is "internalizing" his problems? Can you honestly say, based on what you said, that he would be there for you if it was "important?" I mean, he has no idea if you are ok. Wanting space, to disappear, to think is all well and good but that does not explain why he cannot check in with you regularly, say "I am [depressed, etc] but of course I wanted to make sure you are ok. You are? Cool - I will check in tomorrow/in two days, etc" you get the picture.

 

His behavior thus cannot be explained by "prison" and "internalizing." If he is clinically depressed then I would suggest waiting until he gets treatment and can interact with you in a thoughtful, caring, sensitive way most of the time. No one is perfect of course - we all retreat for a time, etc but from how you describe it this sounds extreme. I would not call his mother again, either.

[arwen]

I think that if this continues- the question is not what HIS reason is (stepdads, prison, ...), the question is if YOU are happy in a relationship like this. Why settle for a relationship if already in the first few months you are agonizing about him and even not eating because he doesn't call?

 

Ilse

[Batya33]

I think that if this continues- the question is not what HIS reason is (stepdads, prison, ...), the question is if YOU are happy in a relationship like this. Why settle for a relationship if already in the first few months you are agonizing about him and even not eating because he doesn't call?

 

Ilse

 

Wow. Excellent advice - so well put. By way of reassurance, I went through an experience where in the first few months he stopped calling as much and I would lose sleep, get so anxious, etc. After the third time that happened I didn't sleep and something in me just "snapped" as in "wait a minute! I deserve better! this is ridiculous!" I didn't lose any more sleep, was able to detach shortly thereafter and went on to start dating someone who showed that he cared (even when he is cranky/needs space, etc) - I write this because I hope that happens to you, soon - that "click" that reminds you who matters here the most - YOU!

[librarychick]

Up until this point (with one exception and it turned out to be a mis-communication) he has been the most attentive, loving person I have ever met. He's always been sensative to my feelings and needs. That's why I assume that something is really wrong.

 

I know it must sound like I'm making excuses for his behavior, but I tend to jump to conclusions. I feel like I have to hear his side before I make any judgments or decisions.

[Batya33]

Up until this point (with one exception and it turned out to be a mis-communication) he has been the most attentive, loving person I have ever met. He's always been sensative to my feelings and needs. That's why I assume that something is really wrong.

 

OK - it is a personal choice balancing how he treats you and how he makes you feel about you. Everyone has his or her own boundaries as to treatment and sometimes, like here, people ask others if their boundaries sound reasonable. The amount of time he has been out of contact "seems" extreme to me but I am just reading the words you wrote like everyone else and I don't have the full context of course. I am sure you will come to the decision that is best for you.