13 yrs married cheated on me and I forgave him

[lola91306]

I feel emtionally damaged, My husband cheated on me and when it all came out I thought I couldn't live without him. I tried suicide (someone found me) I felt like all of my right side died when he told me that he had feelings for this woman and went to the point of telling me that "HE LOVED ME" but wasn't "IN LOVE WITH ME." He went to the point of thanking me for giving him 2 children. I took alot of pain from him and decided to forgive him. I honestly thought that things would get better, now it's been 2 years since this and it's been a living nightmare. we have argued back and forth because to top it off another woman was also trying to get his attention she was texting him and he woud reply and when I confronted him he would treat me like if I was crazy! He seems to have changed even more now because when we argue he gets even more aggressive not physically but he screams and just starts getting very hurtful in everything he say's and in every fight he tries to turn things around so I should feel guilty and like he never does or says anything. Part of me says leave him and another part is scared. I feel like I'm in a box with no way out.

[Aschleigh]

First, take care of yourself. Are you financially independent? Do you have a job? Can you live with friends or family for a while?

You can move on, you can get child support and alimony most likely.

Stop thinking about your marriage and start thinking about the health of yourself and your children. Move out as soon as possible. Get the papers filed to get financial support from him.

[lola91306]

I wish it were that simple, I truly believed things would get better,I know it sounds stupid. Yes I am financially independent and I have tried to see if I could manage without him.If it was just myself alone I would leave him in a heart beat but I have 2 girls 12 & 4, I can't just yank the roof over their heads. I don't have a place to go to.

[Aschleigh]

Then kick him out for the time being. You need space to figure any of this out. She sounds abusive, if only verbally. Tell him to stay somewhere else until you know if you are getting a divorce for sure.

Tell him if things dramatically change in the month he is gone then you can work on your marriage if not get a divorce.

[doyathink]

edited..............

[lola91306]

I know health wise it's taken alot of me. It's unbelievable how I was blinded for almost 11 years. I look at myself today and feel like if I were 100 years old and I'm 36. He literally tells me that I'm always in a sad mood that I'm never happy, He has his own business and stays there till 7;30 everyday, his daughters are begging for attention from him I HATE HIM everyday more and more

[doyathink]

I wonder if they realize why we are so depressed. That the daily pain they inflict is causing us to sink deeper and deeper into a depression and there seems to be no way out of it.

[lola91306]

I have actually cintimplated checking into a hotel and taking pills I feel soooo tired I don't want to think anymore. I have pressure at work and then I have to come home to more problems. It never ends

[doyathink]

Please dont do that, you have the children to remember here. They need their mother.

[n83]

Lola

The situation you are describing to me sounds worse than "yanking the roof over their heads"... You are so depressed that you can't even see that perhaps your children aren't happy, either. Surely you know, they will pick up on all the negativity of your marriage, and you will end up teaching them (for better or worse) that this is what marriage is supposed to be like..

 

Losing your own life to a philandering husband isn't worth it AT ALL. Your daughters would be completely destroyed if something ever happened to you. Please reconsider telling your husband to leave, even just temporarily. I am NOT one to throw around the term "separation" in my posts, especially when children are involved, but it sounds like things aren't getting any better. Unless your husband wants to do what it takes to repair the marriage, there is no point in your trying any more.

 

Either way, I want to wish you well and I hope that if anything, you realize that your life is worth salvaging.

[arwen]

n83 is very right here. I think having a depressed and even suicidal mom is far worse than leaving a cheating husband and start over with your kids somewhere else. I know (sadly) plenty of people my age whose parents divorced for the same reason

 

Do your kids know about what happened? I imagine that they will at least notice that something is NOT right at all between their mom and dad.

 

I hope you can find a way to leave him. There is no use for anyone if you stay with someone who you hate more and more every day.

 

Ilse

[Rabican]

Kick him out, file for divorce, tell him to pay your rent so that you can take care of the girls.

 

Nothing you do in regards to him talking to another woman is 'crazy' hes already shown he can and will violate that most sacred trust, so put nothing past him. I would simply tell him that it is OVER until he can show 110% that he is a changed man. No talking to other women, no fighting, no yelling at you, no insulting you. You deserve better.

 

After him cheating he should have been going full throttle doing everything in his power to show you he could be trusted again. Not speaking to other women who are interested in him.

[New_Horizons]

I agree with Ilse. Please don't go down the suicide path, your children will be wrecked for life. *Anything* is better than that.

[sunflowerEyes]

Dont ever let anyone or anything make you believe your life is not worth living. Don't attach your happiness to your marriage. I know it must be hard, but let me tell you this. My father cheated on my mother. He had an illigitimate child with his mistress and my mother didnt know for YEARS. We lived in a south american country and didn't have any money but nonetheless, my mother knew she did not deserve to be in the hellish situaton that was her marriage, so, knowing it was the best thing to do, she picked up my sisters and I and brought us back to the USA. No money, no job (she had to leave hers obviously), no car, no house- nothing. My grandparents lived here so we stayed with them until my mother got on her feet. It was one of the biggest struggles a woman could ever go through, but let me tell you this- because my mother was strong enough to leave her marriage of about 16 years and start over again as a single parent (without child support or anything else like that) it showed me how to be a strong, independent woman. If she had gone and killed herself... my god, i would be a total wreck today. I would have been stuck with a man that was unfaithful to the family and no decent role models to look up to.

So, please, please, please, DO NOT end your life because of your marriage. You have a lot more going for you than my mother had. You say you're financially stable and have a job. That's great. You'll also get child support which is a godsent.

Think of you getting out of the house to showing your girls what its like to be strong, resilient, and independent. Dont think if it as pulling the roof over their heads.. think of it as raising them!!

Think of it as something you deserve to give to yourself! No one should make u feel that you dont deserve to live anymore! Its YOUR life.

Its going to be a tough road, but you're still young if u think about it.

You have the resources and u have the incentive.

Go and make a new, healthier life for you and your girls.

Believe me, they will learn a lot.... i did.

Be strong.

Be safe.

Good luck.

 

Keep us updated as to how u are doing!

 

[Juliana]

You know all the pain you're in now?

 

Imagine your kids in that pain.

 

We don't know that my mother killed herself. It was most likely an accident. That's what we tell ourselves, anyway. What we do know is that all that pain that she was in just carried on down to myself, my brothers and my sister. You don't get over it; you just don't. It's like living with an emotional limp; it's just something you have, forever.

 

You will survive this period in your life; you will come through it. If you kill yourself, you will bequeath all that pain and then some to your kids. If you're suicidal, get help. Six months of anti-depressant medication, and you will feel differently. Do it for your kids. They deserve a life without a legacy of agony. God, I would've lived in a hole in the ground with my mother, rather than lose her forever.

[lola91306]

I have a job yes, it's good pay, but I have no one really to talk to. My mother is the queen of denial i mention my feelings or pain and she steers the conversation another way or reminds me of how my father was and always reminds me that she stuck with my dad because of my sister and I. Sadly enough I know that the only person that would support me in this situation and when it started immediatley told me to leave him was my dad, he passed away 2 years ago a little after I caught my husband. My older sister another one that lives in denial land, sometimes I say to myself I'll be fine but honestly I'm scared of what exactly I don't know. maybe it's because I have no one emotionally to turn to. I know I can't kill myself it would be like janding my children to a stranger because he is very muvh worthless as a father has no respect if my girls are watching TV with him if there's an adult movie he gaulks at it until I start yelling from another room. he walks around in his boxers and doesn't even think of the disrespct that imposes on his daughters.My parents never ever walked around in their underwear, and about a week ago i was talking with my 12 year old and asked her if she ever saw me walking in my underwear she said no, I then explained to her that it's very disrespectful and she shouldn't do it anymore. I explained to her although we're her parents I didn't want her to do it out of respect towards her dad that regardless of the ignorance she see's she has to learn. I am 36 and I don't want to sound like a saint I know I'm not but I do know I have to be a mother to my kids not the next door neighbor and my husband just seems like he's never going to mature with the retarded attitude he has with his daughters sometimes.

[sunflowerEyes]

I realize you're scared, having unsupportive family members does not help. For what it's worth, you have us, here, who will talk whenever you need. I will swear to you that I will always give you advice and lend an ear. I know what it's like to feel all alone- no one to talk to that really cares to listen, or even cares to CARE! If you go ahead with a divorce, and act like the strong woman you seem to be, you will be fine. You may not have a big support net out there, but you can get through it.

If you are religious and believe in God, I would suggest using that as support, I've heard wonders about what faith can do for a soul in pain.

I may be younger than u and never married and whatnot, but I will be able to help from having seen pretty much the same thing in my family.. first-hand. My father was disrespectful as well.. so were his friends... and the rest of he situation, i have already told u.

I think the best thing for you is to rid yourself of this toxic relationship and start over on your own with your girls.

You will come out renewed and have a newfound respect for yourself and for life itself.

its going to be a tough road.. but isnt the road you're already on tough enough? If you're going to struggle why not do it while maintaining your dignity? It seems worth it to me.

 

Hope this helps.

 

Keep us posted.

 

If u want to talk, message me.

 

[lola91306]

Well it's been a while since I've come in here but I have to say that I guess my relationship is just getting worse and worse I've come to realize I have married a very ignorant man, and I didn't see any of this before because we were young and I was too in love with him. Today I can say I definitely dont love the man I live with he's not even close to what he was and as the days go by more and more crap comes afloat. the other day I was looking at the checking and savings account I have with him and well funny in May I had almost $11,000 in my savings account and now 2 weeks ago I went to check my savings account and see only $3,000 Wow I was shocked and when I had the chance I checked a deposit stub from my husbands business account and well the little man has $11,000. When I confronted him I asked him where was the money? he started screaming he never touched a cent from that account we have in common of course he just neglected to deposit in our account he would use the excuse that he would move money from the savings to the checking then just deposit one of his checks. "But he has done this!" he neglected to make some deposits! so the little man has filled hi biz account and practically dried out the account we had in common!!! Nice!

After all that I decided that after the Holidays this marriage has to end I can't deal with this anymore. He toying with my mind and I am just more than full I can't take this anymore. "I MARRIED A LIAR" But not to me only but to his own children!!!!!

[pillsburydogirl]

I have actually cintimplated checking into a hotel and taking pills I feel soooo tired I don't want to think anymore. I have pressure at work and then I have to come home to more problems. It never ends

 

Please don't do that. Think about your logic here. You would leave if you didn't have kids but you don't want to leave and "pull the roof from their heads" AND YET you mention checking into a hotel room and killing yourself. Yes, that would be an end for you but What would your kids be left with if you weren't there. Your kids need you. Once you have kids, divorce is still an option but suicide isn't allowed, ever. OK!

 

Kids are resilient, they are adaptable, and surprisingly able to grasp some adult situations. You need to figure out what is best for you, that will tend to be what is best for your kids as well. They DO feel the tension between you and your husband. Counseling for everyone in your family is highly recommended.

 

OK

[v8vachon]

Lola, life is a gift that was given to you, God is the ultimate, only HE has the right to decide when youre time on earth is over. My first marriage was abusive, 7 years. He cheated, i thought i'd died inside. cried myself to sleep for 1 yr. the second year, I found ME, I loved ME.. I loved doing things for ME.. the third year I started dating again.. pain right now is not pain tomorrow Lola! Time and God HEAL all things. Think of changing your situation, take the BAD out of your life. Make yourself smile.. make your girls smile. Life is a gift, please seek help, seek God. There is a brighter day.. I ws there.. and I saw it.

[lola91306]

I still haven't left him and I feel so dumb, I know it's because I panic as to what am I going to do, We put the house up for sale 2 month's ago (bad timing) now we refinanced, I feel like a hypocrit but atleast an honest one. when we had the for sale sign taken down I was very staright forward and told him that his saving grace was that we didn't sell the house an informed him of my plans, well as usual he had no response but just stare at me like a mules butt ! I've sensed his trying to demonstrate he's fine with me to the point where he acts all lovey dovey with me but I can't shake off the fact that my gut tells me he will do it again. The other day on purpose I asked him if he would marry m again he said "Yes" and of course I retaliated and told him straight up "I wouldn't" because all the pain you gave me out did the happiness I lived with you" so then after I told him to be more honest just as I ha just been with him he just looked at me with n response. I feel like a fool for still being with him. He even anounces who he's talking to! not directly to me but he will say "HI" and the persons name! PLEASE that just tells me that he is still hiding soething the difference today is that I no longer check his phone or go online to see all the calls he made and received. I don't want to leave and let him have the house we have boh worked for and that my children live in. I hope someone can understand me. Today I kick myself for not divorcing this man when it all began, no I lived throughout all the pain and humiliation and my fathers death in between I feel like I have thrown in the trash 3 years of my life I will never recover and I'm still doing it. and just to put the cherry on the top I now have thininng hair. NICE Marriage is a scam. We get married thinking we have th perfect Barbie dream house and when you wake up the next morning it looks like the house of "Nightmare on Elm St. NICE! ](*,)

[Rabican]

Divorce him already... sounds to me like your marriage is shot already. why waste another 30 years with this guy? The sooner you end it, the sooner you can heal, the sooner you can move on, the sooner you can find Mr Right...