Asked the EX about meeting up and she responded, need some advice! (Scout if u can)

[Big D]

well..... tonight is the big night... i'm really nervous about it and what to expect... im just going to try to go with an open mind and no opinion of what could or will happen... though i feel a bit encouraged by this last email she sent me:

 

heyy. okay soooooooo how about old chicago?! let me know if thats okay. its pretty yummy and there is never a lot of people there so we can actually hear each other talk. lol. most restaurants are so loud. so how about 630?? i want time to go home from work and shower, and maybe try to pick up the apartment a bit cuz you should come check it out afterward. if not though you can see it another time. okay well let me know if 630 at old chicago is okay for you! talk to ya later

 

I guess time shall tell what happens next... wish me luck all!

[Scout]

I wish you luck, but I don't think you're gonna need it. I think you are going to handle everything just fine. Can't wait to hear how it goes!

[crow]

I know I haven't posted much on here, but I have been reading. Good luck tonight and let us know what happens.

[Big D]

Well... it's been quite a night. We spent 9 hours talking. Yes, after being together for 4 years and not speaking for 4 months, there was a surprising number of things to discuss.

 

First and foremost, we aren't going to get back together, nor do I ever see it happening. Not because of my wishes, but hers. She hasn't moved an inch on her feelings, as she basically told me she's been falling out of love with me for a long time. However, she hates that her feelings are gone and wishes they were still there. It's amazing how she'll talk to me about how we're so right for each other because of how similar we are and how much she misses me and wants to see me and talk to me. But, strictly as the "best friend" without the romance involved. And that's tough.

 

So I'm looking at tonight as closure. I got everything out I've wanted to say. I got all of the answers from the questions on my mind, and there were a lot of tears spilled on both sides talking about the past and what we wish we could go back and change and what would have or could have been.

 

So what happens from here,who knows. She know's I'm in love with her still and I told her that friendship just isn't possible right now, or if it ever will be. I'm always going to want her back, but I now realize that its not what she wants and it would take many miracles to make that love come back to her.

 

So now I'm back at the start of moving on past the breakup... but with a peace of mind knowing she's not out becoming someone I'd not want her to be.

 

Love. It's hard to live without, but so hard to live with.

 

**Just one more thing I want to add.... through all of our talk and my reflection the last 4 months, I truly believe that she has a lot of issues and baggage in her life that she needs to deal with. And I was open with her and told her that she should see a counselor or a therapist for it because a lot of her problems doomed our relationship. Whether it was her constant fear I was going to leave her (her mom left her after divorcing her dad when she was in middle school)... or holding grudges and still to this day being hurt over things that happened when we first met... I really believe that had she been brought up in a different way, things between us would be different. And I told her that what she did to me she will do to everyone unless she gets that help. It kills me to hear her talk about not wanting to love anymore and not wanting to marry because of the pain that could come with it. She said she'd rather be alone and shelter herself than go through all of it again.

 

it breaks my heart.

[hjc]

Sorry to hear that and I know how tough it must be. But at least you've done what you can and got some form of closure.

 

Thank you for sharing the outcome (and your story) with us; it is always inspiring to read about other people's situations.

 

I truly hope you find someone else who can give you what you want.

 

In the meantime, just know that we are there for you.

[Scout]

Big D, wow, nine hours. That must have been intense.

 

Let me ask you something. You say she has issues she needs to fix to be in a loving relationship. Do you feel there were things you did that contributed to any of your relationship's problems, too?

 

This question isn't meant to point fingers, assign blame, etc. It takes two to have a healthy relationship. I just think that if you two don't get back together, it would be good if you could learn as much as possible from the relationship you did have.

 

Another question...are there things about your ex you definitely don't want your next girlfriend to be like?

[Big D]

Big D, wow, nine hours. That must have been intense.

 

Let me ask you something. You say she has issues she needs to fix to be in a loving relationship. Do you feel there were things you did that contributed to any of your relationship's problems, too?

 

This question isn't meant to point fingers, assign blame, etc. It takes two to have a healthy relationship. I just think that if you two don't get back together, it would be good if you could learn as much as possible from the relationship you did have.

 

Another question...are there things about your ex you definitely don't want your next girlfriend to be like?

 

Hey.. well yes, that is the thing.. I've come to terms with the issues I had in the relationship. I'm aware of the mistakes I made and I know I'm responsible for some of the issues we had. Basically, she has a problem with communication and letting go of issues. For example..

 

~I was her first boyfriend and when I came into her life, it was at a point where her mom and left her (she's back now) and her dad wasn't around much either. I became the biggest part of her life, almost filling the role that was left by her parents acting the way they did. And while it was never intentional, I didn't always reassure her enough at the beginning that I wasn't going to leave her. So when she would get insanely jealous and always freak out on me about breaking up with her, it basically stems with the emotional attachment she had for me and the fear that I would abandon her like her parents.

 

~A guy she kinda "dated" if you call it that for about a week a month before she met me, but she was never into, told her something when she ended things with him that to this day (5 years later) still haunts her. He told her he was glad she didn't like him because she's a loser with no personality and not capable of having a conversation. Now, you'd think something like this coming from some a**hole that she was dating for like a week would be brushed off... but to this day.. she still worries people think about her like this and whenever there is a pause in conversation, she always tries to continue talking because she's so afraid people will see her like this.

 

~When we first met and had been together for only a few weeks, she left to go visit her mom in Texas for a month. While she was gone, I'd spend time with a female friend of mine at night (we had been close friends for years, so I thought nothing of it).. but she didn't understand that aspect of friends of the opposite gender at that point. And she would cry herself to sleep everynight because she thought we liked eachother and all this stuff. But she never said a word of it to me because again, she was afraid i'd breakup with her. So again, to this day... things that went down 4 years ago still gives her knotts in her stomach thinking about how hurt she was. If she had just opened up to me and told me how she felt, it would have been avoided.

 

Those are 3 big examples. And it's really really rough. We spent a lot of time talking about how we wish we were able to go back and fix things that had happened. That I'd be more assuring. That she's be more open in her communication. Because basically, we both established that we could probably be happily married now if issues from the first year we were together had been different because they stayed with her through the rest of the relationship. Which leads me back to telling her she needs to see someone to try and work these issues out.

 

So now I'm faced with trying to put my life back together. It's really hard listening to her tell me about how I'm her best friend and that she thinks about me and my family every single day. Or when she tells me that the thought of losing me from her life or if I were to die she feels is on the same level of losing her parents to a death, that she doesn't ever want to be without me. Or about how we're so similar and so perfect for each other and she knows that her old views on love (like the movies.. always romance) isn't real and she knows it's more about companionship love like we had. But the downfall is that while things weren't good, she'd find herself praying to fall out of love with me because she hated being hurt. Yet when things between us got better and we were happy again, she couldn't get that love to come back.

 

It's also scary hearing this girl that used to tell me how excited she was to be married.. to have a family... to spend her life with me.... now talking about how she doesn't want to be in a relationship again for a long long time because she doesn't want to be hurt again.. and she's questioning whether she'd even want to be married. Knowing that I can't protector her and help her from the issues she's having inside kills me, but it is what it is.

 

Now I'm faced with the role of trying to over-come those feelings. When we were together lastnight just sitting and talking, I was so happy. I didn't want to leave because being with her and just being able to talk to her makes me so happy. And when I left and we had a long hug, I didn't want to let go because I was afraid I'd never be able to have that hug again. So while I want so bad to have switch to turn off my feelings and just be bestfriends like we are, whether it's possible remains to be seen.

[Scout]

Thanks for the extra information...well, at least the information about her issues. You still don't give any about your own.

 

It would kind of help to know what they are, or what you think they are, to sort of compare with her issues, and see if they might have had an effect on the way she communicated with you. You say she didn't communicate with you, but I bet she did in some ways you didn't catch.

 

If you're wondering why I'm curious about all this, it's to try and see if a friendship between you two would be possible.

 

One thing that a friendship *might* accomplish would be a way for you two to work on those communication issues together. It may not end up in a reconcilation, but it will help you both in the long run. And you never know, it actually could end up in a reconciliation down the road.

[Big D]

Hey Scout... well.. like i was saying in the post about my ex... some of the issues she had were because of things I did in the beginning of cur relationship. When she and I got together, we met 3 weeks after I got out of my last relationship, one which I was cheated on and dumped 2 days after prom. This was my 2nd bad relationship that ended in extreme heartache and lack of trust in love. Because of this, plus the fact that my ex was 2 years younger than me, when the relationship started I didn't think much of it, because I honestly didn't expect for it to last. Obviously, I gradually realized it was more than just a summer fling, but for awhile at the beginning (4 years ago)I didn't show her enough that I cared enough. I didn't treat her as well as she should have. And when she would go into the psycho controlling phase (her abandonment issue) I would get angry and yell at her about it and told her to chill out rather than try to understand the issue.

 

I also was afraid to tell her i loved her for the first few years. I felt like I loved her and i tried to show her i loved her, but i was afraid to use those words and admit it to myself because I was so sheltered and so guarded in my heart from my past. I would often tell her that anyday someone could come along and sweep either one of us off our feet or that she didn't know she loved me because i was a first boyfriend. this is something i really hate and regret and i acknowledged it to her last year when i realzied why i had been acting like this. losing her last summer truly showed me how much i loved her and wanted to be with her and that i had to break down the wall in my heart and be able to let her in and trust love again. it sucks that my heart being guarded for so long cause so much pain for her. i tried my best over the next year to make up for it, but with all of that she had begun to slowly try to fall out of love because she never felt i loved her.

 

another issue i had was i was selfish. plain and simple. i wouldn't do things she wanted to do nearly as often as she would for me. it's not that i didn't enjoy them, i just never gave them a chance. she enjoyed things like hiking and tubing down the river, and while i didn't dislike them, i never did them for her. or even things like controlling the remote when she came over. it's nothing big, but it still is something i am bothered about. i got set into a routine and let it become the same dinner/movie thing all the time.

 

and this is why lastnight was healthy and needed for both of us. i shared all of this. all of my faults... all of my regrets... all of the things i did wrong and wish i could change (and she did the same.. we both talked of the movie "click" and wishing we could go back and change the past). i guess in a way i was hoping to show her that i've learned how to be a better person and show her that we could have a new relationship... but i know that it wasn't in the cards for me. it's just tough knowing that for all of the MANY MANY good times she and I had and the fact that we both still admit we are so similar good for eachother (morals, values, ideas of fun) and have such a stong bond together, the mistakes we both made when we were younger (me 18-19.. her 16-18) left a mark on her heart she hasn't been able to let go of. even though she wishes she could stop thinking about them.. that she could get her feelings back... that she doesn't want to lose me and still tells people i'm her bestfriend... she can't seem to kick her demons.

 

so i have to walk away because while i've bene able to learn from my mistakes, accept my faults, and fix my problems... she isn't able to do the same. I'm in love with her, but she doesn't feel the same. She want's to be bestfriends, but I dont know if it's possible.

 

Sigh.. love.

[Big D]

Well.. this is an e-mail I got lastnight from the ex... It's really a lovely letter that shows me she cares for me... but I can't help but think it's a bit of delusion on her side about our future. I want so badly to have her change her mind and realize that we'd be able to have a great future and for her to find that love she once had for me, but I've pretty much lost all hope for it. Even if I feel like I want us to be able to be bestfriends, whether I could handle it is another story. So I guess for now, depending on what the future holds... this is the end of our 4 year history..

i am

really glad we were able to talk about everything last night, i think it

really helped both of us. i as well am emotionally drained, but i think it

was good to talk about things. i think you are right about me going to talk

to someone and maybe you should too. i have a lot locked up i guess, and

maybe i need someone like that to help me get over it all. i met up with my

dad for dinner and we talked about my mom and all to do with that. it was

good being able to talk to him about it, and he told me he knows she is torn

up inside for what she did. i guess its just one of those things that her

and i will never actually talk about. thanks for always being there for me

xxxx, and i hope you know that no matter what i am here for you. i

know we are gonna need some time apart again, but the minute you feel okay about

everything please call me. i dont know what i would do without you in my

life, and no matter how long it takes, i want you to be in it. you will

forever hold a huge piece of my heart xxxx, you taught me so much about

life and helped me so much that i will forever be thankful of what we had.

and i know that someday we will be the best of friends that we want to be.

don't ever think i dont care xxxx, b/c i care more than you will ever

know. we both have learned so much from all this, so please never regret. we

both know what real love is, and i think in todays world, having that

knowledge will make us stronger than ever. one day we will know why this all

happened, i really believe that certain things happen for a reason. i will

miss you so much, and will think of you as well. you are my best friend in

the world and never forget that. thank you for everything. take care, be

strong. don't let the rest of this world change who you are b/c who you are

is one of a kind, and i am so thankful for everything. you have helped shape

who i am and going out into the real world i feel so well prepared and so

knowledgeable on life and i thank you for a lot of that. until next time

the ex

[Big D]

Well, it's been an interesting past few days trying to adjust to what I'm viewing as my "new life" now that we've had our long emotionally draining talk.

 

Even though I'm not sure where exactly things will end up, while I would love to be able to go back to being "friends".... over the past few days, I've read a lot of different messages and posts from people that have ex's that want absolutely nothing to do with them and have decided to just throw them out of their lives or have decided to start dating days or weeks after a breakup.

 

It makes me happy knowing my ex cares so much for me and wants to continue with me in some sense and hasn't yet looked at another guy after 4 months.

 

Like I said, I don't know where things go, but I feel lucky to have an ex that has been so good to me after our breakup.