Love Is A Disease

[Majoraslayer]

Well, I got back with my ex, and we're still together. This was a VERY stupid mistake, but I just don't have it in me to deny her. I love her with all my being, and despite the horrible pain I've felt over her and the hate that still dwells deep within, I can't get over how I feel for her. After dedicating my every waking moment to loving her, it still wasn't enough for her and she had to leave me for him.

 

Now she's back, and she can't deny that he was better at sex than I'll ever be. Just the fact that she had sex with him is more than I can live with, as there was nothing I wanted more out of life than to be everything she could have ever needed. Even giving full effort it wasn't enough, and it never will be. I know getting back with her was a mistake, and that until I made that stupid mistake I was getting better. Still, even when I battled the depression, I lived in constant fear of seeing her with him. No amount of time ever kills how I feel about her, no perspective. The only thing I can accomplish is a way to kill the time without her, but the hole is still there. Rebounds don't even work for me simply because I don't have any desire for anyone else.

 

The pain of knowing that I'm inadequate for her is more than I can bare. Please stop me from doing this. Tell me there's a way I can become more attractive, have a porn star penis, and pleasure her like no one else. Tell me things will get better and that in time I can be with her and forget all that she has done. Tell me that she loves me, and that we can have the happily ever after I woke up for every day for three years straight.

 

Tell me these things, then tell me they are honestly true. If you can't do that, then I can't give you a good reason for me to continue suffering like this.

[melrich]

Wow, I think you need some counselling and quick. Do you know of any services in your area, do you have access to anyone?

 

I also think you have to stop seeing this poor girl, for both your sakes. I would really encourage you to move on from this relationship, it is not healthy for you and I suspect may not be for her either.

[Gold Hawk]

It does get better, although you don't want to hear that right now.

 

Please do not put too much stock into the "sexual" comparrisons this girl has made. She was being very catty and that comment never should have been made.

 

Melrich is right.. you need to seek counseling. I know you don't want to hear it but you have your entire life ahead of you and the young lady for you is just around the corner.

[Shadows Light]

You asked her about it didn't you? Why would you do that? eeesshh... and more so, why oh why would she compare.

 

Look... that is one of those things that is "NOT A NEED TO KNOW THING"... and shouldn't be discussed. Ever.

 

Darlin... I know you love her but this love seems a bit... Obsessed.. and thats not a good thing. Its not a healthy thing. I don't know if its an age thing... or a first love thing... but I "CAN" and "DO" empathize with you. I think I was just as bent as you are when I was your age. And I look back.... sooooo many years down the line, my "X-bf" and I were ill suited for one another. It was my first love... my first heart throb. And I probably spent as much time as you lamenting dramatically the demise of my "LOVE LIFE".. thinking he was the end-all to be-all.

 

You know what mine said to me???? He wanted to go out and date... and gain "EXPERIENCE".... so he could be better for me!!!!! ssshhheeeeshhhh.

What was I chopped liver?? lol.

 

I look back now... and I still see him around. And I can put a big big smile on my face.. "BOY OH BOY" did he miss out. lol. He did me a favor in some ways... because after he left, I worked on "ME"... lol. I learned to walk, talk, dress properly. I learned the art of flirting. I learned the art of being a woman and found... the woman in me. Don't sell yourself short.. you are a good guy. And probably... an awesome lover. She just doesn't know how to appreciate properly.

 

Go talk to someone if you can. Talk it through. Don't call her. And don't see her at all. You will survive...

[Shadows Light]

Hey.... go listen to some music.. its a great pick me up...

 

Gloria Gaynor

 

First I was afraid

I was petrified

Kept thinking I could never live

without you by my side

But I spent so many nights

thinking how you did me wrong

I grew strong

I learned how to carry on

and so you're back

from outer space

I just walked in to find you here

with that sad look upon your face

I should have changed my stupid lock

I should have made you leave your key

If I had known for just one second

you'd be back to bother me

 

Go on now go walk out the door

just turn around now

'cause you're not welcome anymore

weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye

you think I'd crumble

you think I'd lay down and die

Oh no, not I

I will survive

as long as i know how to love

I know I will stay alive

I've got all my life to live

I've got all my love to give

and I'll survive

I will survive

 

It took all the strength I had

not to fall apart

kept trying hard to mend

the pieces of my broken heart

and I spent oh so many nights

just feeling sorry for myself

I used to cry

Now I hold my head up high

and you see me

somebody new

I'm not that chained up little person

still in love with you

and so you felt like dropping in

and just expect me to be free

now I'm saving all my loving

for someone who's loving me

[Spugly Fuglet]

Ouch! thats got to hurt, making your self go throw this, hurting your self over and over, sticking your finger in that wound and proding around there.

 

Then adding the mantras, Im go good, prod!, Ill never ve thats good, Prod, hes a GOD! of sex and ill just a worm, Ouch, shes to good for a worm like me, ouch, Im so small, OUCH!

 

over and over, Ouch ouch ouch.

 

all that pain, all that done to your self,

And you will keep doing it to yourself until that day it gets boring, you will be there in your routen of staping your self and yelling with the pain when it will hit you that you could be doing some thing a little more fun.

 

You will stop and look around and say to your self "WHAT WAS I THINKING, LOOK AT THE GRATE BIG WORLD ALL AROUND ME, WHY THE HELL HAVE I NOT BEEN OUT THERE LIVING LIFE TO THE FULL, WHY WAS I DOING THIS TO MYSELF!"

 

Then you will prod your self over that for a bit befor you get bord of that and stop all to gever, "LOOK!" you will say to your self "I have got to stop doing this" And you will you will start going out, doing stuff and getting on with larning and living.

 

Then and only then, where you have warn yourself out and have had your fill of flagulating your self over this girl with you go and start to larn how to be a better lover, how to be a better and happyer man, how to be a caring and compashinet lover and how to be romanic and strong.

 

you are 18, in 2, 5, 10 years time you will be more than you are now, trust me on that as some one who has been where you are now I say forget this self pain and take a long deep brath and say, "whats done is done, I can not change a thing about the past, all I can do now is deal with the here and now, all I can do is each and every day show that I am a better man by doing what is right, buy showing I am a bigger man than this event, that I can take the hit life sends my way, nocking me down but have the will to stand one more and carry on no matter what"

 

I will stand when others would fall,

 

And start living your life as good and as full as you can.

 

All I can say is what you do here and now will make you the man you will be for the rest of your life, Being strong in the mind is all about taking this hit Im sorrry you need this to happon to you to make your strong.

 

Truth, strenght and Honor

[Juliana]

I wish the world would be gentle with our hearts. But it isn't. So we have to try to be gentle with ourselves.

 

You have to be on your own side right now. That doesn't mean you have to get angry at her. You just have to shift your focus and look after yourself for awhile.

 

We all need love, but I don't think her love is what you actually need. I think that you need a different love, that she can't give you. This wound is from before you met her, and the love that she has for you, or that any woman could give you, will not fill that ache. I think you are going to have to take a step back from the relationship, inwardly, take a deep breath, and understand that that need is something that needs to heal.

 

You are not inadequate. She came back to you, so she knows you are not inadequate. But you may always feel that way, because you are looking for that love that shoud have been there a long time ago; you may feel, deep down, that it is not the person you are now who is inadequate, but the person you were then, who somehow, wasn't enough. What you need to do is pay attention to that hurt from long ago, shelter yourself, and give yourself a chance to heal. You deserve that. Her leaving you and then coming back has stirred up all those old needs and hurts from long ago, and you seem to be feeling so much pain, pain that has gone unanswered for so long. You shouldn't have to feel that way. Try to be strong for yourself, and look after yourself. Understand that when you are hurt this deeply, you have to be your own friend, and watch over your own self the way you would watch over someone you love if they were in pain. If you are able to let that first wound heal, the place where you weren't loved so long ago, you will eventually find that the love that is there for you now, is enough.

[Majoraslayer]

Wow, in one evening we worked through every issue we had to the point that we both laugh about it now. I think I'm ready to forgive her and move forward, as when the truth came out I'm still the only one that has ever made her completely happy (in all ways possible if you catch my drift).

 

I didn't want to obsess over that considering I've never made it a point to make sex the most important aspect of a relationship, it was just a horrible insecurity I couldn't bring myself to surpass. Well, I did. Sorry I kind of......took it to the extreme, but when I wrote this I hadn't slept well in about 4 days so I was practically delusional.

 

For the record however, I can see how it would seem that staying with her is a HUGE mistake and that we're bad for each other. Now that we've worked out both mine and her issues, I have to say I can't honestly remember the last time I was this happy. You could argue that she's done this before, she'll do it again, etc. Well, had you seen the conditions she put herself in it would be easy to see that she finally learned her lesson. Her friends even worked hard to help her get me back simply because she's only happy when she's with me.

 

We're ready to move on, and there's not really a "make it work" left. Its there, and its working better than it ever has before!

[Spugly Fuglet]

Thats grate news Major, remember this for all things that is always a way thorw to a better way of seeing things, this is how we get wisdom.

 

really happy for you two

[LONESOUL]

Majora~As one of the people who joined this forum when you were in a great deal of pain, I have to say that I am nervous for you. But, I also know that sometimes we must follow our own hearts desires, at the risk even of hurting ourselves even more. I'm cheering for you, and I'm not going to speculate on

how this will go either, I am going to be here for you, either way, and wish for you all the best.

Take Good Care

Lone

[Daddy Bear]

i'm glad that you got your boat upright again. just do yourself a favor and put a lifejacket on. relationships fail, and no matter how optimistic you are right now, you have to get to the point where you would be ok without her or you might find yourself right back where you were: losing sleep, hating life and posting in the suicide forum.