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Gold Hawk

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  1. Beautiful !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and BTW... I absolutely adore your sig.
  2. Thank-you BrokenBird... Truth is stranger than fiction isn't it. Its fiction after all.... like Shakespearn romantic tragedy....not that mine was written in verse or anything..... I've often wondered where WILL drew his creativity from. Fallen.... alas, sometimes stories don't always end the way we'd like them to. The story was of course written in the first person and drawn from a source other than myself. It's fiction of course... a fairy tale... a dream scape... started that way... ended that way. The Heroine and Hero of the tale returning to their realities, every day issues, every day lives, and returning to wishing their lives away...praying for friday's to hurry up and get here. lol. Well... not entirely the same... returning back into the tangle and chao's...but maybe with a small spark of magic nursed in the breast. lol. But thanks for the compliment and for taking the time to read.
  3. I too was waiting for something to go arwy and it didn't. Cycisism is born out of life experiences and pain very few escape its wrath. I too once believed. Very nice.
  4. Thank-you Rozi..... Poetry is best when its read and you can make it your own. This piece spoke to me on a personal level. Thank-you.
  5. Sorry... there is no place for "STORIES" on this forum and this one waxes more poetic than anything.... it started out as a poem and ended being told in story form. ---------------------------------- Did you ever have one of those days where it seems like your life slam’s up against the wall and everything stands still for a moment while fate plays her whimsy with your heart? I can’t remember what kind of day it was. Don’t think I cared if it was sunny or raining, snowing or blowing. It was just another day that had to be gotten through. When out of the corner of my eye… I saw him. Tall…..Dark… Handsome, Black leather jacket, dark sun glasses, long black wavey hair, a scruffy beard and a strut to his stride that would put Travolta to shame. A dark Angel.. hmmmmm. The air in my lungs came out in one long wwwooooooshhhh. My heart skipped a beat, mouth dropped and I struggled for breath and thought. Gorgeous. Absolutely Gorgeous. Ever have that happen to ya? Ever fall into love at first sight??? Your thought process turns to mush and all you manage is to stutter and stammer. Coherant thought and speech non-existent. Hmmmm what a delicious spicey feeling. Butterflies in your belly, blood racing through your veins pounding like number 5 rapids on an engourged river, and legs feeling like lead… totally immobilized… immovable. rooted to the spot. My mind and heart has etched this scene into the core of my being for all time. For something like this is truly rare. Truly a gem. Who the hell was that? Was it a dream? Wishful thinking? Wow. The bane of my existence interrupted by… a vision. The life that I’d so well compartmentalized, crammed into every minute of every day, organized chaos, stark, Void and emotionless, struggling to just make it to Friday…. Wishing my life away, suddenly changed in one breath, one glance, but for a moment. About an hour later, I came to my senses and life went on. I didn’t expect to act on my primal instinct of going out on the prowl like a lioness…. going out to hunt down my prey and snap him up for myself. Those days of chase and hunt have long since passed. My conscience sat on my right shoulder whispering sobering thoughts. While the spirit of the wolf that flows through all women chuckled on my left shoulder. A deep husky knowing chuckle. Conscience playing with spirit… squashing down the primal urge of hunt. Ahhh but the witches of fate had their own plan they’d devine in a short while. It was like one of those romantic comedies we all know and love, “When Harry Met Sally”, “Sleepless in Seatle,” or “You’ve Got Mail”…. Ok so I’m a Meg Ryan fan, shoot me. Lol. Fate had its own plan….. my dark Angel and I would meet again and again through hap and circumstance time and again. Until one day he asked me out for a cup of coffee. YESSSSSSSS… AMBROSIA OF THE GODS….. one of my favorite vices. Coffee. What harm could there come from a simple cup of coffee shared with good company. We’d meet and do the dance over coffee and words… our bodies on this plane but our souls would meet on the astral. They’d meet in a simple dance. To the left and pause and then right again. Attention, a glance, a look and stop. Breathing in unision eyes locked… bodies moving step by step. Back step, front, front back, stop. Each step in perfect unison. Each movement measured, held and savored. His touch, his breath, the look in his eye…. Lead, follow, pursue, retreat, weaving a spell of intimacy, drawing each other into one another’s world. We’d meet for coffee and chat and yet our souls would dance the Tango on the Astral. Magic. His voice was resonant, broad, deep. If I closed my eyes and listened to him tell his tale, I could float to the bottom of the ocean blue. Imagining myself floating on the shores of the isle of mists. A simple cup of coffee and some conversation. It wasn’t long before we discovered the similarities and criss-crossed paths our lives wove. The shared experiences and like depth of feelings of kindred spirits. There was controversy later of who kissed who first. Was it me.. was it him…grin. Who pulled the trigger first? Who lit the fuse first? Does it really matter? If it does then it was me. I did the deed. I lost the battle of will. I had to know. I’d watched him all afternoon or was it an eon and all I could think of was… “I wonder….” I wonder what those lips would taste like. I wonder if they’d rock my world. I wonder if the earth will tremble and the Angels cry. I wonder. I don’t remember a word he said that day… I saw his mouth moving as he told me stories that were either true, not true, fantastic lies from a gilded tongue or fact…. I didn’t know. I didn’t much care. The spell wove around us as we shared a cup of coffee and watched bee’s buzz around butter-cups. My only thought was…. “Kiss me…. Please kiss me.” And he didn’t. Gentleman? Cad? Artful dodger? Or just plain dense and unsuspecting of my private thoughts. Before we left that perfect spot and perfect day, I reached out and grabbed his arm… “STOP”…a foot slammed on the break and he turned to me. I leaned over and said.. “I have to know….” And I kissed him. Time stood still. The wind died down, bee’s quit their buzzing and the birds stood still. Two souls stood on a precipice as our eyes met, closer and closer. Breathes mingling and then finally the touch. Our lips met. My eyes closed and our worlds collided. The air begin to shake and shimmy. The whoooosh of my heart as it pounded blood through my entire body like fireworks on the fourth of July. The ground beneath me quaked and groaned…. Or was it the groan of my Angel that I heard as his gentlemans wall crumbled and I stormed his castle. Magic. The look in his deep dark eyes reached into my soul as we parted. My lips tingling from that brief touch. I felt like I’d just touched an open flame. I touched the untouchable. I touched magic and he grinned and said….”you know, there’s no going back now.” And thus…. Our dance would begin. The Tango. Two tangled up lives trying to dance, trying to untangle enough loose ends to be together, to come together, just to be. The Tango….My dark Angel was an excellent partner to my soul. We walked hand in hand in our own little world for that spell. A striking couple parting crowds. Walking hand in hand or with is hand at the small of my back was like dancing to our own music. The beat of our own drum. The energy created between us of dark and light shimmered in our wake. One of my favorite times of year is the fall. When the leaves turn brilliant shades to paint the earth. That year they turned to gold. Down by the river where nobody goes, to the place that only lovers can find we walked the riverbanks hand in hand. The river running its course like our lives in the background, leaves creating a golden path and raining showers of gold on our heads, luring us ever deeper into the arms of the forest. Deep down on the path a small wooden bridge. We walked silent hand in hand letting the magic envelope us and stood in the middle of that bridge listening to the whispering uninteligable language of the tree’s. That little wooden bridge that stood between two banks. Ever think about a bridge and its purpose? A bridge a structure built to span a body of water, road, valley or any other physical obstacle. Allowing easy passage over an obstacle by providing a route that would otherwise be impossible. Had I had a coherrant thought mayhap that bridge would have held the significance it does for me today. But my thoughts were not in their right mind, intoxicated as it was with dare I say it…. Love? He brought my hand up to his heart whilst his other arm encircled my waist. Eye to eye, toe to toe, belly to belly, chest to breast… “Dance with me” and we moved to the music in our minds. Two hearts from two worlds meeting in the middle of a little bridge in the middle of the woods. The architect designed that bridge us in mind and that day… I cleared a huge place in my heart for this man. Whether he stayed or went made no difference in that corner of my heart would lay all of our most treasured moments and shared breaths for all time. A part of me, shape shifted and changed…forever. And we danced. We danced like no one had ever danced before. We danced on our bridge. We danced in an truck stop parking lot under a neon sign. We danced on hard wood floors. We danced in a pool hall. We danced in the supermarket. We danced when we went out to dinner. And we danced standing in line at a concert hall. We danced listening to the music in our heads. The Tango??? Not quite but close enough. He extended his hand and I took it in complete trust. He lead, I followed. I invited and he met my call. And we danced. Grin… and how does this story end? Ahhhh well…. Like all Dark Angels, he arrived, raised hell and departed. I gave him my hand in perfect love and trust. I thought the bridge would be strong enough to withstand and to bring our two worlds together. In the end I stood on my side of the bridge and he stood rooted to his. There were so many times where we stood on the opposite banks of that bridge… willing each other to walk accross to meet each other half way. I’d walk to the middle of the bridge and beseech him to come on his own steam. He’d look at the firmament to familiar and comfortable that he stood on and was loathe to take the leap of faith. Grin… and why not. It was home. It was all he knew. My dark Angel with the silver tongue that could do so many delicious things to my body and soul could also weave the most provocative distortions of reality the reasons behind his motive suspect. It really doesn’t matter since this is a fairy tale does it???? As long as we lived and loved in our own created little world reality didn’t matter. But reality bites. Reality rules us and directs our lives whether we like it or not. It was with a saddened heart the fog cleared. I gasped for air and reached for sanity’s cloak as I stood in the middle of that bridge. My primal urge wanted to scream my anger, hurt and forsaken heart. I wanted to hurt him, throw arrows, knives and spears at him to move him. Instead I find myself smiling at the crones of fate and timing. Knowing that they do their jobs in their own good time and their own will. “Moonlight on canvas, midnight and wine. Two shadows start and softly combine….Passions uncaged, thundering moments and grin…. finally rage. Tempered and strong two swords clash…..steam up from the earth and salt in a kiss…sweet lies on his lips and sparks on my fingertips….. “ Looking down into the small stream under my bridge, I can see the Goddess Smile up at me. Acceptance. Acceptance of fate. Acceptance of understanding. Aceeptance of a will stronger than my own. I accept the lesson in time. I accept the gift and the knowledge as I turn and walk into the mist. The dance was sweetness and light. I choose to remember only the good and take that with me as I ride into the winds. Echo’s of the timber of his voice on the wind for me to wait my journey and I can’t. I can no sooner pull down the stars from the sky and change his existence even if I could. We are all the directors and authors of our own stories. We all ride our rides under our own sails. We fight our own demons and shape our own adventures. Happiness and love is begot from within ourselves and not from another and each of us comes to make peace with ourselves within our own time. His inability to use that bridge to traverse the precarious valley that split us is something he has to come to terms with. Unfinished business possibly… grin. His own journey. Ahhhhh but the our Tango…. Lol… that I will think on fondly in years to come when its time to reflection of my lifes journey. This warrioress tips her hat and her sword to her warrior.... Bitheadh e mar sin, so mote it be. Thank-you dark angel for letting allowing me to once again feel the wind beneath my wings. To feel, see, hear, smell and taste all the nuances of the magical world we live in.
  6. My dad never wore his wedding band. Except when he and mom were going somewhere special. (rarely). He said it got in the way. Dad was a mechanic.
  7. It does get better, although you don't want to hear that right now. Please do not put too much stock into the "sexual" comparrisons this girl has made. She was being very catty and that comment never should have been made. Melrich is right.. you need to seek counseling. I know you don't want to hear it but you have your entire life ahead of you and the young lady for you is just around the corner.
  8. It was twenty years ago today, that Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play They've been going in and out of style But they're guaranteed to raise a smile. So may I introduce to you The act you've known for all these years, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. We're Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, We hope you will enjoy the show, We're Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, Sit back and let the evening go. Sgt. Pepper's lonely, Sgt. Pepper's lonely, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. It's wonderful to be here, It's certainly a thrill. You're such a lovely audience, We'd like to take you home with us, We'd love to take you home. I don't really want to stop the show, But I thought you might like to know, That the singer'sgoning to sing a song, And he wants you all to sing along. So may I introduce to you The one only Billy Shears And Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. We're Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band we hope you will enjoy the show Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band We're sorry but it's time to go Sgt. Pepper's Lonely, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Sgt. Pepper's Lonely, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band We'd like to thank you once again Sgt. Pepper's one and only Lonely Heart's Club Band It's getting very near the end Sgt. Pepper's Lonely, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band -------------------------------------------- Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away Now it look as though they're here to stay Oh, I believe in yesterday Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be There's a shadow hanging over me oh, yesterday came suddenly Why she had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play Now I need a place to hide away oh, I believe in yesterday Why she had to go I don't know, she wouldn't say I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday Yesterday, love was such an easy game to play Now I need a place to hide away oh, I believe in yesterday, Mm
  9. Hey, Jude, don't make it bad Take a sad song and make it better Remember to let her into your heart Then you can start to make it better Hey, Jude, don't be afraid You were made to go out and get her The minute you let her under your skin Then you begin to make it better. And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain Don't carry the world upon your shoulders Well don't you know that its a fool who plays it cool By making his world a little colder Hey, Jude! Don't let her down You have found her, now go and get her Remember, to let her into your heart Then you can start to make it better. So let it out and let it in, hey, Jude, begin You're waiting for someone to perform with And don't you know that it's just you, hey, Jude, You'll do, the movement you need is on your shoulder Hey, Jude, don't make it bad Take a sad song and make it better Remember to let her into your heart Then you can start to make it better ------------------- Got a good reason for taking the easy way out, Got a good reason for taking the easy way out - now, She was a day tripper, One way ticket, yeh, It took me so long to find out, and I found out. She's a big teaser, she took me half the way there, She's a big teaser, she took me half the way there - now, She was a day tripper, One way ticket, yeh. It took me so long to find out, and I found out. Tried to please her, she only played one night stands, Tried to please her, she only played one night stands - now, She was a day tripper, Sunday driver, yeh, It took me so long to find out, and I found out. Day tripper, yeh. ---------------------------------------------------- The long and winding road that leads to your door, Will never disappear, I've seen that road before It always leads me here, leads me to your door. The wild and windy night that the rain washed away, Has left a pool of tears crying for the day. Why leave me standing here, let me know the way. Many times I've been alone and many times I've cried, Anyway you'll never know the many ways I've tried, but Still they lead me back to the long and winding road, You left me standing here a long, long time ago. Don't leave me waiting here, lead me to your door. Da da, da da – ------------------------------------------ What would you do if I sang out of tune, Would you stand up and walk out on me. Lend me your ears and I'll sing you a song, And I'll try not to sing out of key. I get by with a little help from my friends, I get high with a little help from my friends, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends. What do I do when my love is away. (Does it worry you to be alone) How do I feel by the end of the day (Are you sad because you're on your own) No I get by with a little help from my friends, I get high with a little help from my friends, Oh, I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends. Do you need anybody, I need somebody to love. Could it be anybody I want somebody to love. Would you believe in love at first sight, Yes I'm certain that it happens all the time. What do you see hen you turn out the light, I can't tell you, but I know it's mine. Oh I get by with alittle help from my friends. I get high with a little help from my friends, Oh I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends. Do you need anybody, I just need somebody to love, Could it be anybody, I want somebody to love. Oh I get by with a little help from my friends, Mm I'm gonna try with a little help from my friends, Oh I get high with a little help from my friends, Yes I get by with a little help from my friends. ----------------------------------------- OH CHIT. ... I guess I do know more Beatles tunes than I thought... time to dust off the phonograph and get those old LP's out... its gonna be a lonnnnnnnggg week-end. Thankx Guys and Gals.
  10. And what did your psychiatrist suggest you do about it? Did he .. give you any exercise to work on??? Are there.. Any women that you can say positive things about? Any women who you'd say were strong... independent... self-reliant??? What was your mom like?? I wonder that you attract "weak women" And ... What does that mean to be weak??? what is your definitiion of weak?? I see that your screen name is STANDTALL... does that mean your a big guy??? well heck... most women would be shorter than you? Is that a weakness???
  11. Guilt??? I suppose. Maybe they've just moved on and gotten passed it. Some people are just not compatible. I've long since thanked past BF's for our wonderful break-ups. We didn't fit... we didn't fit. Would I have rather that they stuck with me even though their feelings didn't run the same course as mine??? No.. of course not. Does me a dis-service as well as themselves. You can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear.
  12. It could be some of his X-wifes neurosis rubbing off on him. He most probably loves her very much. But she's toxic to him. So he plays with his addiction. She's his addiction that he can't seem to let go. Shame about the kds though.. you'd think that would be his first PRIORITY...
  13. PacoPaco... I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. As the previous post suggests you need to remain focused on your job, family and other interests. If you find your mind wondering to her.. then maybe allow yourself only 15 minutes of time to think on it. 15 minutes ONLY. And then move on to something that will distract you.
  14. It could be an STD, a pulled groin or uriniary tract infection or just a simple infection. Believe it or not he could have hurt himself too.. sprang in the cartlidge. How long have you been dating him? Sleeping with him? Have you talked about STD's. Does he have any leisions on his "buddy"? possible herpes? It could be any number of things. You need to ask him point blank. Its uncommon for a person to just "STOP" having intercourse unless there is underlying reasons. I can understand why you are upset. I would be too.
  15. A sense of humor,open mindedness, flexibility.
  16. Love it thanks. I'm ok or bettter off.. Single. LOL.
  17. You have been having a tough time. Regroup and prioritize. Annie hit the nail on the head, focus on those things that you can Control and the rest will take care of itself.
  18. No we arn't. Sometimes we're pushed into a no win situation that we simply have to walk away as a SELF-PRESERVATION mechanism. Isn't there an adage that says if you are in a plane that is crashing that you ..... APPLY the AIR BAG MASK over your own face first... and then follow suit for your neighbor. Sometimes you need to take care of yourself first before you take care of the other..... Sometimes... its better to let go so the other can learn to take care of themselves. I think my counselor put it best when she said that .. I the dumper experienced the PAIN... long before I actually did the dumping. And I was further in the "GRIEVING" cycle than the dumpee.... I had longer to process the information.
  19. don't think about what he may or may not be thinking. Re-direct your energies to your life and the journey you are on. Its a gorgeous day and the possibilities are endless... what are you gonna do with it? Wallow??? or take the tiger by the tail, go out and greet the world with a sense of adventure and revel in the possibilities??? Go out and enjoy your day!!!
  20. Do you have health insurance??? You might start by calling your insurance and finding out if you are covered and for a listing of counselors on your policy in your area. Go to the guidance counselor at school. They will help direct you and would have phone numbers of people who are good with Teens. Talk to your regular Doctor... and ask him/her for her recomendations.
  21. Forgive me but... you couldn't have been a pessimist all your life. You are 16 years old. And you are very much ripe for change. If you refuse to change... that is altogether a different matter. Only you have the power to make things happen. Your fathers OWNS his own illness. It is not yours. If he is laughing and joking and acting like NOTHING is amiss... then that is how HE CHOOSES to to deal with the cards that are dealt to him. Respect that. You on the other hand wrote in for a different purpose. Your choice. If you feel that things are beyond your control or understanding "DO" seek counseling. Press for counseling. Mom may be in denial about a lot of things but surely she wants the best for you. To seek counseling does not denote weakness or infirmity. To seek counseling is the wish to be strong and healthy. To seek enlightenment. So you are anti-social or lack social skills to be able to be social. GREAT. Work on that. Join clubs, organizations and sports clubs where you will learn to interact with other individuals who have the same affinity for it. Its a great release to have something take your focus away from these negative thoughts. Adopt a "CAN DO" attitude... not a.. "I can't" attitude. To make positive changes in your life... you have to breathe energy into it. You have to WILL it to happen. Decide what those changes can be.
  22. I agree. I think I may have used the wrong term. Instead of ultimatum maybe the word "COSEQUENCE" should have been used. There are Consequences for all of our actions. Right now you do not feel loved and respected. You should be able to express those feelings to your husband and problem solve together. Can he work with you on finding solutions that are mutually benefitial to the both of you? If you have not been intimate for nigh on 3 months... something is "NOT" as it should be. He seems to want to bury anything that looks like a problem under the rug and hope its going to take care of itself. It will only get bigger. IF.. he does not want to leave the home?? what does he propose you both do to resolve these maritial issues?
  23. A good possibility for the lethargy is a good dose of "Benedryl". There have been reports of care givers and parents who will dose their kids with Benedryl to quiet them down, make them sleep... and keep the kid out of thier hair. Yet again.. that is just guessing. I think you did the right thing in separating yourself from this situation. Had anything happened to this child while on your watch... you don't know how much of the brunt of blame you would have gotten. Then too there are your own children to consider first.
  24. My thoughts and prayers to family and friends. What a shock. Its never a good time to lose a friend. But to lose one that is so young is tragic.
  25. Why is it exactly that you do not want to see your father? Is he abusive in other ways? Strict? You stated you are clinically depresed? what is being done about this? are you on meds? seeing a counselor? You are in school. Do you participate in any clubs or sports? Those are wonderful ways to beat the blues. And they take you away from the house!
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