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Why These Desires?!?!


Always Hopeful
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I am happily married with 1 child. Well, I guess I'm assuming I am happily married. I only say that because I cannot get certain desires out of my mind. I've never cheated on my wife, and the thought of cheating sends a chill down my spine, especially because I do love my wife, and I love my child. I don't ever want to do anything to hurt them.

 

But I can't get these desires out of my head. For example, I work closely with someone in my office. We work in a stressful profession, so there is some commonality to our experiences. I know about the usual cliches regarding people you work with, but that doesn't lessen the power of that kind of attraction. I don't even think she's interested in me, but yet I find myself fantasizing about her and I together. I find myself thinking about how it would feel if she did find me attractive, and even how I might be able to make her be attracted to me, even if I had no intentions of carrying this out.

 

I feel pathetic in many ways. But why do I have these desires? I was once in a very unhealthy relationship, also work related. So may be I'm just addicted to conflicted relationships. Am I doomed????

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If you act on these desires, you may well be!

 

But on a serious note: you need to examine why you feel this way. If it's just novelty, that will soon wear off, and you will have sacrificed a loving woman and the respect of a child for something very very trivial. Not worth it, in my opinion.

 

On the other hand if your 'marriage isn't working' (I hate that term as I think everything can last if it is taken care of and loved), you need to sort that out with your wife before acting out any desires (that aren't even reciprocated).

 

Hey, sure, I'd love to be intimate with the latest Hollywood pin-up, but would I sacrifice a loving relationship and my family for that one-off buzz?!?

 

By the way, you said you find yourself wondering whether this woman would find you attractive. That's natural. Everyone wants to be desired! I do! It seems like the 'spark' has diminished from your marriage. Having a child and raising it can be manic and it seems your wife has been caught up in that - that's the spark you need to relight, rather than fanning other potentially dangerous flames. I hope it works out for you

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You are certainly not doomed, infidelity is not something that just happens to you, it is a choice you make. You are fantasising because a real world relationship can never compare to a fantasy, no matter how happy that relationship is, because every detail of a fantasy is perfect. You fantasise about this person that you work with because you do not actually have the sexual relationship with her that you imagine having.

 

In your fantasies, all you think about is your sexual attraction for that person uncomplicated by anything else. It is easy to fantasise, but you should try to recognise that should your fantasies ever become reality, your infidelity would fail dismally to meet your expectations. It is human to have desires and to fantasise, but your fantasies are unattainable. Nothing is in reality what we fantasise it will be.

 

If you genuinely do not want to cheat on your wife, or hurt your child, I would advise that whenever you find your thoughts straying that you consider the possibility of your wife and child ceasing to be a part of your life. I am not saying that if you did cheat on your wife she would necessarily leave you, but I am saying that if you think about this possibility and cannot imagine living without your wife and child that it will help to stop these unwanted feelings. You need to consider what the reality of your infidelity would mean for you in your life rather than what your fantasies tell you sex with your colleague would be like.

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I think what you need to do is put a large picture of your wife and child on your desk (or keep them in your wallet if you are not at a desk). When you feel those urges, look at those photos and remember the vows that you took and the promises you've made.

 

When you're around this female co-worker, proudly talk about your wife and child.

 

Take this sexual energy and channel it back into your marriage. Spruce things up a bit. You and your wife may need a romantic weekend away. Remember why you feel in love, and how excited you were in the early days when it was all new and you were intimate together. Try something different with your wife if she is open to it.

 

Don't ruin a good thing, it could be one of the worst mistakes of your life. Once you cheat, you can NEVER take it back. Browse these forums and read the posts of some members on here that have been cheated on, or from regretful cheaters, you'll see their pain in words and the strain it has put on their relationships and their lives.

 

 

BellaDonna

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The first step towards stopping is realization. You have that, but obviously your home life isn't exciting enough to keep you satisfied. This woman may be beautiful/attractive but that doesn't mean she can love you.

 

When two people get married, it is not out of perfect compatibility or hottest/deepest connection that they do. It is two imperfect beings, coming together with flaws and all, to dig out the truth about each other. They share a common goal towards what they want, yet maybe what they want is not communicated right and that's where the problems kick in. You don't feel like you're hitting the jack pot when you come home. You wonder if it's waiting somewhere else.

 

The truth is, this attraction to another woman is a manisfestation of the lack of enough attention going on between you and your wife. Her body is yours though. Your body is hers. Same with your heart... and not because you had a wedding but because you gave it. Everyday you look at another woman, you jeprodize that. You are becoming close to hurting your child too for he is whole only with you two at peace. That's what creates a happy home- happiness. It is not leaving and starting again. If you do that, you fail and you'll miss a lot.

 

Communicate. Don't tell your wife exactly about the other woman, but tell her what else is all going through your head. You have to open the door and reopen it day by day to keep a life together going. It's worth it in the end too. Your child will learn a lot if you set a good example of how to love, how to be intimate and communicate and always excited to learn and try more...

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