to be friends or not to be?

[super_dave0001]

I think you should take this one day at a time. Focus on the here-and-now until you get some traction with this. Cross that bridge when you come to it...

 

right on bro! thx for your help on this touchy subject, you bin a big help lol it took a little yelling to help me see the light so to speak

 

the nc has bin in effect for the past 20 minutes.... clicked *block*

[friscodj]

the nc has bin in effect for the past 20 minutes.... clicked *block*

 

Do it for you...flush the thoughts of "showing her", making her feel this-or-that, or "winning" something from your head...

[Mr. Stealth]

ive read alot of you on this forum and youre good man.

sorry for not being a girl but i can tell you this cause im also dumped 6 month ago and now i realize what i have to do.

when she dumped me she asked to break up but not as enemies.

short after i was dumped i mailed and messaged her like a crazy psycho to stay friends in hope she will ever fall in love with me again.

 

1. this was very wrong of me.dont hope they will come back because when they break up they already lost what they needed to stay in love with you.sometime it comes back.

 

 

2. if they left you for someone else.then they just dont diserve to stay youre friend.because friends dont hurt and treat you this way.

 

3. then the question: staying friends or not?

well, if you can stay friends without having feelings for her then its ok.

but why should you give her that pleasure.she is the one who dumped you.

why does she want to stay friends?

--> 1. to feel less guilty.

--> 2. they feel strong if they have someone as a backup (you)

--> 3. it makes it easier for her to move on.

--> 4. staying friends wont make people think she is a bad person.

--> 5. loosing you makes them also feel uncertain cause they know they are loosing a good person where they can count on.

 

Dave just dont be that safety robe of her.

All of us are making choises in life and all of us have to take the responsebility of those choices.

She knew what she did with breaking up and she knew what she could lose (you).

if she really loved you she wouldnt even have token that risk.

 

I know it hurting you at this moment but be the stonger one for now.

you will heal when time passes by.

and at a certain moment, when you can think clearly again, you will realize if she is worth it or not.

but in youre case i think when you stay friends, everyting is going too easy for her as planned.

but dont be afraid of loosing contact with her.

because on a certain moment one of you will move on with someone else and what kind of friendship will be left?

 

Make youre choise my friend

[friscodj]

^ Somebody should sticky this. Reads like a good book my man!

[super_dave0001]

damn... that was definitly a good post, i didnt realise i had someone following my posts, its good to hear when someone says im a good man, weather it be a guy or a girl saying it, its words of incouragment, boosts the moral.... i keep reading this thread cause theres so much valuble info from u guys.... but the 1 thing that puzzles me is should i let her no i want no contact? or just disapear all together? cause atm i just disapeard not saying a word about nc to her...

[friscodj]

but the 1 thing that puzzles me is should i let her no i want no contact? or just disapear all together? cause atm i just disapeard not saying a word about nc to her...

 

I think the classy thing to do is make one, last communication, let her know where you are at and what you are going to do, and then close it up...

[super_dave0001]

I think the classy thing to do is make one, last communication, let her know where you are at and what you are going to do, and then close it up...

 

i dont even no wut to say to her

[friscodj]

^ That's something to think about. The specifics should come from you, but I would say something to the effect of you seeing a lot of games going on here, you feel like you need distance from the situation to properly grieve and heal, and won't be reading or responding to any of her communication from this point forward.

 

Now once you do this, do not go back on what you said. That will only destroy whatever credibility your words had and do so for the future...you've got to do it and stick to it...

 

Don't deny the closure for either of you...

[super_dave0001]

ok, an wut am i supposed to do if she does contact me down the road?

[friscodj]

ok, an wut am i supposed to do if she does contact me down the road?

 

Until you are completely free of feelings in this (and be honest with yourself there), ignore her communications until hell freezes over.

 

And part of that includes not reading anything! I strongly suspect she will bring the big guns and try to re-wrap you around her little finger. Calls, texts, emails, letters, etc. She will come at you from different angles too, being nice, being mean, even saying she "really misses" you and that you are "hurting her so much" by doing what you are doing.

 

You don't need to hear any of this so don't. This is entirely within your control too. Take cover bro.

 

And I don't advocate people do this in every case my man. I'm not rehashing some generic advice here. Sometimes it is good to give things time to settle down, let the feelings for each other develop in the distance, see which way they go from this new perspective, and see where things stand at a later time...

 

But in this situation you should absolutely step on the gas and get away from this situation my friend. That is very clear to me.

[Juha]

Ignore, ignore, ignore those are the three things you should do with her...

 

Was in the same spot as you and she left but kept in constant contact...

 

When I went NC she would email with crap like Please let me know youare ok, I am ot asking for anything else... I wish you were not mad at me...

Or better she threw this at me You said you would always be there for me but I guess that was a lie....

 

Shows you how selfish she really was and that I really did not mean much to her...

 

The sooner you realize this the better...

 

GL

[Juha]

If she is really needy she will latch onto someone, anyone to have around her because she has to be with someone...

 

Ignore ignore ignore....

[friscodj]

When I went NC she would email with crap like Please let me know youare ok, I am ot asking for anything else... I wish you were not mad at me...

Or better she threw this at me You said you would always be there for me but I guess that was a lie....

 

Oh yeah, I've heard it all too. Attacks on me, my beliefs, my character wrapped in vessels of anger, caring, "being nice", everything. They sure can throw everything at you and lay A+ guilt trips on you to make you feel like sheet...

 

But you know what? I'm glad she did this! You know why? Just more motivation to stay away...right?

 

Stay strong and don't listen to or read anything she sends you...

[super_dave0001]

But in this situation you should absolutely step on the gas and get away from this situation my friend. That is very clear to me.

 

lol does my situation really sound that bad?.... iver decided to lay low from her thats my decision... nc... if she breaks it thats her call.... weather or not i respond is mine

[shikashika]

I just told my ex who said he wanted to be friends that i most certainly do not.

 

he said (and this is so bad it actually made me laugh!!)

 

"Well you may have to work at being friends but you can do it"

 

 

ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

he doesn't want to work at being in a relationship with me but he wants me to work at being friends with him?

 

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!

 

When the dumper wants to be friends" its only so they can be reassured that they're not such a bad guy / girl.

 

essentially, breaking up with someone is saying " I've seen the kind of person you are and you're not for me... go away"

 

breaking up with someone but still expecting them to like you is ridiculous.

 

unless the breakup is completely mutual ( an it usually never is) you cannot be friends... one person is still hurting or having a hope they may change their mind.

 

breaking up with somone and wanting to be friends is like saying

 

"i don't like you but please like me on my terms only"

 

How can we give ourselves any respect if we go down that road?!?!

 

my ex didn't give me any real reason for breaking up with me.

 

he wants to be friends but i told him" i want friends who are honest and truthful. you weren't honest with me, so thereforeeee i will not be friends with you .

 

Really i see this happen all the time... you can't break up with someone but expect them to like you back..uughh!!

[friscodj]

^ Great post shikashika! So true! And that is funny what he said to you!

[shikashika]

^ Great post shikashika! So true! And that is funny what he said to you!

 

 

Frisco, I know!!!... I think he may have done me a favour when he said that... first time in a long time I've thought about him and smiled... he he!

[super_dave0001]

lol im sorry but that is kinda funny wut he said.... and the rest of ur post is so true aswell... its amazing wut goes throu ppls heads sumtimes...

 

i wonder if my ex were to ever say she wants to get back together with me, wut my reaction would be... id probably laugh at her... straight up

[friscodj]

Frisco, I know!!!... I think he may have done me a favour when he said that... first time in a long time I've thought about him and smiled... he he!

 

Funny how negative things can turn into positive motivation.

 

When the chips are down, after the break-up happens, the emotions are overwhelming, when the going is tough and the facades are down...that's when you see the truth of a person!

[super_dave0001]

Funny how negative things can turn into positive motivation.

 

When the chips are down, after the break-up happens, the emotions are overwhelming, when the going is tough and the facades are down...that's when you see the truth of a person!

 

that couldnt be more true.... when we broke up she completely changed to the point where i told her "wow i thought i knew you".... its amazing how ppl can just change overnight

[Mr. Stealth]

Well, super Dave. how you do it, is up to you.

At the end you will see that it almost won't make any difference at the situation you have.

You both will just walk your own path if you don't stay friends.

But I think you did good by just disappearing.

if she doesn't contacted you, it does mean she has no need to talk to you or hear something about you anymore. --> Just no interest.

In this case its best for you to stay in NC. It will make you calm down, think clear about things (is she all worth it or not?), it makes you heal and strengthens your personality again.

--> I figured out that I still love my ex but if the moment will come that she wants to come back to me, I actually will not take her back anymore. because for me she is not worth it to end up in the same situation again and I actually don't need her friendship.

If you just disappear she will have questions witch will never be answered. This is not bad.

She shouldn't see this as a punishment because you do it for your own good. It's everybody for his own at this moment. Right?

 

If your are gentle and you still care a little about her, then you mention it to her that you don't want contact anymore. At last she will know how you think about it. But do this only at the next moment she contacts you. because you don't want to make a completely fool of yourself by just mentioning it.

if she contacts you, it means she has the need to communicate with someone or she is checking out how much power she still has about you .

if you came to this moment just tell her about it.

depending how strong her personality is it will be like a slap on her face.

It's like: Hey babe I loved you with all I had, you could have everything I had but if you treat me like this, then I just don't need you anymore (take me or lose everything of me).

And be sure she will have uncertain feelings.

Because she will lose someone good as I already said.

And when she is at that point that she realizes this, it will make her feel bad because she knows she didn't accept your goodness and she hasn't control about you anymore.

She had someone good (this is something everybody wants) --> but still its not enough for her --> She is looking for more with you as a backup --> That makes it easy for her to move on --> Take away those safeties Dave!!

 

As example: see it as a sky diver

 

When he jumps he feels comfortable because he has a parachute and knows he will land safely.

But what if the main parachute fails to open? --> He will panic a little bit on this moment but still he is sure to land safely because he has his backup parachute (and be sure at the first moment if this phase, his * * * muscle opened and closed a few time hehe ) --> And what if also his backup parachute fails? --> Then he will just drive insane and has to accept what will come.

 

Ask yourself do you want to stay friends or not:

 

If the answer is NO --> then go for one of the above opportunities I wrote.

If the answer is YES --> then just be there for her and look how everything will work out.

But remember:

Don't make yourself a slave to her because it will destroy you and not 1 woman on this world is worth that.

 

Greetz.

[sfindependent]

Don’t make yourself a slave to her because it will destroy you and not 1 woman on this world is worth that.

 

I wish i wasnt as blind like this to see such things. they hurt us and they expect us to be there for them. I've been so depressed lately, my ex, knowing I still loved her like i do, had the guts to tell me "i have a date this weekend" and her reasoning was "i'm being honest and you're just a friend",

oh well. I am friend, but do you have to hurt me too?

 

i have a thread here somewhere and I've put a lot of thought in this and how i feel. Now, I've lost myself in the mix so bad I can't even tell which way is up and who the heck I am. Now I have to go and find out for myself.

 

Don't let anyone define you for who you are. I made that mistake and I'm paying dearly for it by feeling like this.

 

you're right.

[Caterina]

There are a lot of possibilities...she might still like you but know it won't work and doesn't want to go without your company if its possible.

[Siriana]

When I brake up with someone I don't contact that person, even if I like that person enough to be friends. Why?

 

Out of common decency, because I am polite and fair, and also because anything else is emotionaly immature (read:selfish)

 

A lot of people don't realise that - maybe even never, and this causes a lot of pain and trouble later on.

 

She could be having million reasons for wanting to chit chat with you, for her this is something nice and comforting - since she dumped you, but for you it is about torture and false hopes.

 

When you are the one braking up with someone you have to take that into account - if you are leaving someone hartbroken, it is nice not to think what is that you like, but how to stay fair toward the other persons feelings. Asking to be friends, forsing that, or even beeing angry if a dumpee is rejecting your friendship are all signs that the dumper is not the very best person to be firends with.

 

There is no reason to be angry at the person who wants to be friends, but when someone dumps you it really isn't important what he or she wants. The fact is that person wanted to be single, without you, that was her priority. Now what else this person wants is irrelevant, she is not at the candy shop.

 

If she wants to be firend and you ask yourself why, or even her, trust me a good answer to that question doesn't exist. Not a single answer you could get isn't good enough for you to stay friends if you thing about it carefully.

 

 

 

I am telling you all this from my experience.

I used to have this ex who wanted to stay friends with me, and who hurted me badly, by the way. But somehow this person thinks that now when we're both happy, we could forget about the times when we were together, ugly times, and that we could be friends and chit-chat. Everything comes down to that he wants to think how he was nice and classy toward me back than. But he wasn't. And that was the time he needed to be fair toward me. Not now, when everything is burried and forgoten. I have my friends, they were around before him and they are around now when everything is acient history. I am not a lonely person with no friends, and i don't need new friends by all means, right? I guess you don't need that too.

[Caterina]

Some people still want to be friends and can handle it emotionally. For instance, my last boyfriend and I broke up because we have political differences. However, as friends, he's agreed to come to certain political events with me and it is myhope that perhaps he'll change his mind. Meaning, sometimes there is hope in a friendship...but you have to be careful with that.