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Advice please


Worm31
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My husband and I have been married for over 8 years and haven't really been getting along for the past 8 months or so. I didn't realize how bad it was until he told me that he didn't know if he still loved me. We haven't had sex in about 3 months. I don't know what to do. He isn't sure if he wants to try fix things and refuses to get counseling. I had a few counseling sessions, but didn't find them beneficial, as I couldn't get him to join me. I feel like some of this is related to his family problems he has been having and that is why I still feel hope. His father died suddenly at 62 last September and his mother has recently been diagnosed with Cancer and not sure how she will do. We live in the US and his family live in the UK so he is filled with guilt at not being there with them. He has been treating me with no respect lately, going out almost every night till quite late and generally avoiding me at all costs. I don't know what to do. I think he wants to break up, but we recently purchased our lovely house and he doesn't want to leave it. Sorry for being all over the place, but I am struggling to get to every point in one message. On a side note we work together, so I am confronted with this situation constantly. ANY WORDS OF WISDOM PLEASE?

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The best advice I can offer you is to give him an ultimatum. You need outside help and a counselor to sort through this with you. Understandably the pressures of extended famiiy difficulties are a cause for depression. Unless he has a valid reason other than this... you seem to be the recipient of his bad humor.

 

Does he see and acknowledge there is a problem? If so... then what does he see as potential solutions?

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Welcome to enotalone. I'm sorry to hear about your troubles.

 

I don't see a connection between your husband's family issues and the fact that he's doubting his love for you and treating you badly.

 

Can you ask him why he's unhappy being with you? What are his issues with your marriage? What is it that he wants that he's not getting?

 

You can't work things out unless you know what the problems are.

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I have given him ultimatoms a few times, but it always sounds like I am threatening him, as I say "you will need to move out". Then he says "you can't make me move out, this is MY house too". Who would need to leave? I feel like it should be him, as he is the one "leaving" me, but he WON'T leave and I feel like he is just staying with me now for the house. I wonder who is entitled to stay legally....

Thanks for replying!

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If you are going to give ultimatums or threats, you need to be able to come through on them. If you cannot back them up, and are not willing to back them up, don't threaten him.

 

Next, insist on respect. It's an essential in a relationship. He can do a lot of things, but not show you a lack of disrespect. The essentials of a good relationship include trust, respect, friendship, and then some sexual attraction.

 

If he really want to go see his family, buy the ticket, send him on his way.

 

And welcome to "ENA." Stick around, you may find some help, and you will find support.

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Ultimatums are threats, and generally don't produce the results you want (as you have already seen). Remember - you can only control your behavior, not his.

 

If you want to rebuild your marriage, try to find out what his issues are, whether he is willing to acknowledge them, and whether he is willing to work on resolving them. Decide if his responses to these questions are acceptable to you. If so, plan a course of action with him. Then put hte plan into place for a certain amount of time. At the end of that time, assess whether things have improved or not. Only then will you be able to determine whether he is able to make the changes necessary. If not, try to decide if it's worth it to stay with him.

 

Recommended book: "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay".

 

Hugs,

Pam

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Are you more concerned about the marriage or the house?

 

If about the marriage then it is not clear to me why he is unhappy. You may think it is his family issues but it may be something else. It is usually unwise to blame outside influences for the breakdown of a marriage unless that has been stated as the reason by the person wanting to leave.

 

If you are more concerned about who gets the house or has to move out then I suggest you contact a lawyer.

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I am definitely more concerned about the marriage, but I think he is more concerned about the house. I want it to work, but I fear that he is only staying around as he doesn't want to leave "his" beloved house. I guess I need to work out why he is so unhappy with me. I just don't know how to get him to open up.

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Ultimatums are threats, and generally don't produce the results you want (as you have already seen). Remember - you can only control your behavior, not his.

 

I agree. I think I may have used the wrong term. Instead of ultimatum maybe the word "COSEQUENCE" should have been used. There are Consequences for all of our actions. Right now you do not feel loved and respected. You should be able to express those feelings to your husband and problem solve together. Can he work with you on finding solutions that are mutually benefitial to the both of you? If you have not been intimate for nigh on 3 months... something is "NOT" as it should be.

 

He seems to want to bury anything that looks like a problem under the rug and hope its going to take care of itself. It will only get bigger.

 

IF.. he does not want to leave the home?? what does he propose you both do to resolve these maritial issues?

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Worm,

 

We have a similar situation, although it is my wife who is like your husband. She is also from the UK ! Read my thread "Am I Holding Onto False Hopes" in the Divorce Forum.

 

DON'T GIVE HIM AN ULTIMATUM!!!!

 

I have learned many, many things since my wife told me she wasn't in love with me anymore - ultimatums are a no-no.

 

I can provide you with much, much more advice tonight!!!

 

Gotta run...

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Thank you for sharing that with me, everything everyone has said has really given me a new perspective on this situation, and "talking" about it with everyone has lessoned the weight on my shoulders. So, thank you everyone. I think this is my new favorite web site!

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OK, tonight was a really bad night. We went out with some work peopl (did I mention weworked together) and it was awful. He decided fairly early on to take me home, as he decided I had, ha enough to drink. I was a bit tipsy, but nothing shocking. In the car he said "this is me not you", then when he dropped me off, he said "lets stop doing this, there is clearly nothing there, I think it is over". I am broken up now, I can't sleep... what do I do now? He said: "Don't call me and don't wait up for me, I will be back late." I was like "so you Are coming home then?" and he was liek "yes". I guess I wish he would leave if he is going to make declarations like that.

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