OK need advice. Contacted mutual friend and ex has now "checked up" on me

[hjc]

So I'm doing quite nicely with around 40 days of NC and then last night I decided to text a mutual friend (female) seeing if she wants to meet up. We said we would ages ago and so I was just following up that.

 

I had had a few drinks (but certainly wasn't drunk) and that may have inspired the text, however fortunately even in the cold light of day it reads fine.

 

So the mutual friend replies and that's all fine...until I then get a text from my ex saying "How are you? I heard from X that you sent her a drunken text. Hope everything's good with you?".

 

Question is now how I reply. I can easily deal with the "drunken text" comment - I do quite a lot of sport at night so perfectly plausible I'd been out playing sport and was up late because of that - but not sure how to reply to the ex's "how are you?".

 

I know she's just checking I'm ok so not kidding myself there's anything more to it than that. I guess she's just got an excuse to peek into my life again and has taken it.

 

I know not replying is probably the right thing to do, but it feels rude...and I want to dispel the "drunken text" thing; I don't want her thinking I've turned into a manic depressant (not v. attractive) which i really haven't.

 

I guess i could text my ex briefly and then give the mutual friend more info (which I know will get back to my ex but at least it feels more like something that's respecting NC).

 

Any thoughts people?

[Lealing]

 

I guess i could text my ex briefly and then give the mutual friend more info (which I know will get back to my ex but at least it feels more like something that's respecting NC).

 

Any thoughts people?

 

I would just send a brief text saying that you are fine and ask how she is. Keep it simple.

[majord23]

Hey mate,

She was obviously looking for (and found) an opportunity to contact and check up on you. If you want to text her back...and I probably would, keep it light and friendly.

 

Something like Haha - wasn't drunk, just up late. I'm really good thanks, keeping myself busy

 

It doesn't give too much away, lets her know that you weren't drunk and leaves it open for her to open a dialogue with you (without pressuring her to with questions).

I've found that by responding in such a way (without questions, but also without final statements such as 'take care') it then doesn't haven't you second-guessing yourself if you don't receive a response. It leaves it open - and it is up to your ex as to what the next move is.

 

Just my .02 hjc

[hjc]

Something like Haha - wasn't drunk, just up late. I'm really good thanks, keeping myself busy

 

And that's pretty much what I've done. Feels like the right solution.

 

You are the guru!

[Closure]

I wouldn't text her back at all unless it was to comment on my recent lottery win or brand new lamborgini lol!

 

I just don't contact ex's for any reason unless they ask if i'm alive.

[hjc]

Well I did it and then got a one word text back saying "Great".

 

Not even sure why she's bothered sending something like that. Absolutely pointless....

[Closure]

Tried to tell you buddy....

 

 

Well I did it and then got a one word text back saying "Great".

 

Not even sure why she's bothered sending something like that. Absolutely pointless....

[majord23]

I don't know why either hjc - it *is* absolutely pointless - especially for her to follow-up with a one-worded response.

 

The positive is that she contacted you, you replied in a friendly manner and the ball remains in her court. You didn't give anything away hjc, and that's a good thing. You are also taking the high road...which is an even better thing. Stay strong and be proud mate - she has nothing and *will* have nothing to hold against you.

 

Closure - your username is more than appropriate pal I'm definitely starting to appreciate the benefits of hardcore NC - maybe one day I'll have the intestinal fortitude to apply it.

[Closure]

Closure - your username is more than appropriate pal I'm definitely starting to appreciate the benefits of hardcore NC - maybe one day I'll have the intestinal fortitude to apply it.

 

Forget intestinal buddy, I recommend testicular fortitude

 

All that's needed is to think logically. I have a friend on this site I speak to on the phone and my logic astounds her.

 

It's over, great, what's next..... There is no point sitting about thinking about someone whose gone. When I was younger I sat about moping and that is fine, with inexperience. However that just doesn't make sense anymore.

 

Hardcore NC is bloody mindedness and I have it in abundance, I hope one day you will too!

[mykeyg]

I actually don't see anything wrong with confronting the mutual friend. Not in a rude way of course but you could let her know she got her wires crossed and you'd appreciate it if wouldn't speculate or gossip about you. I think your ex is genuinely worried and I really don't suspect any foul play or tricks, I don't believe it's necessarily an effort to get back with you, but don't dispel that notion. I think your first task is to make sure everyone knows where everyone else is coming from.

[Mstyiyd]

I think u did a great job and more importantly, you took the high road and was very 'chill' with her, acted like u had moved on just fine. She's probably a little confused or at least curious as to what u are up to, so don't be surprised if you get future ones, and those may include two or three-word comments! LOL

[hjc]

Thanks people. I agree with what you're all saying. I suspect she was looking for an excuse (or at least once she had one then decided to take full advantage) to contact me and check in.

 

I wonder what she was expecting? My guess is that I'd fallen apart without her and wanted her back (which I still do but that's on my terms not just hers) but all she got was a quick affirmation that life goes on. Hoping it will have perplexed her. Would hate to think I was the only one having to take time to readjust to life without her.

 

Anyway, thanks for all the support. I'll be ready for her to break NC again and for short curt responses. Key thing is that I won't be making any effort to contact her....

[hjc]

OK so here's an update (and a further request for help!).

 

I've arranged to meet the mutual friend this Thurs. If I'm honest, I'm doing it for a number of reasons:

 

1. I want to stay in touch with her (I don't see why I have to lose another friend)

2. I know she'll communicate what's going on in my life to my ex (confirmed by the fact that my ex texted me the other day to ask for a favour and wished me good luck with something that she could only have found out via the mutual friend).

 

I know a lot of you will be telling me not to see her, but I've decided I'm going to...so my question is how I deal with things. I know that whatever I tell our friend will go back to my ex (and equally that my ex knows that so any "manipulation" will be obvious).

 

My proposed plan is to tell the mutual friend up front that I don't think we should talk about either my ex or my current dating/love life. I'm thinking of saying that I know she'll be in a difficult position being friends with both of us and I don't want her to be in that position. It feels to me like the best way of avoiding saying something I regret and also for anything to be miscommunicated to my ex.

 

I know she'll tell my ex that I refused to talk about these things...which I hope sends a message that I'm moving on (which I am trying to do, but obviously still have strong feelings for my ex). Seems to me that this won't be what either of them are expecting and so I can't lose..

 

Thoughts?