To move in or not to move in?

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

I understand exactly how you feel. I had at one time fallen in love with a man who had a substance abuse problem... he quit for a little while and i felt like begging him to drink again. He was grouchy, irritable, detached, unaffectionate and critical.

 

you may be right- you may have fallen in love with the "high" him and not who he really is. If he is grouchy and not as affectionate when he is sober- perhaps thats the real him. He can't very well walk around high all the time...so you will most likely be dealing with the sober him.

[Jlizzy]

Btw to make the whole story more complicated again!:

 

Part of my frustrations with my Bf lie in seeing some patterns emerging in all my relationships it seems..well at least some patterns that were also present with my ex husband. This I find really really scary. I did not fight my way out of such turmoil to land myself in it again.

 

I wonder do I attract certain behaviour from guys but also..is there something I'm doing wrong? I just went over some old emails there with my ex and I see some similar arguments cropping up! Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy!!

 

RE moving in I'm going back and forth back and forth..I want to just give it a shot yet the consensus echoes do it!

[Batya33]

I would not move in until you are fairly certain that you see yourself with him long term and potentially married. As far as his smoking, not sure where you live but if he is keeping drugs in the apartment and you are there you could be in trouble too. Also keep in mind that were you to get pregnant the drug use could negatively impact the health of your baby.

 

I would discount all of his behavior while on drugs that you see as positive.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

what kind of repeat issues are you having in this relationship that you have had in others?

[Jlizzy]

Healinghands:

You're a good counsellor! If you're not already doing so, you could make good money out of this! LOL.

 

Repeat issues: Initially my partner exlaims how my stories are so interesting and how I'm so interesting and blah de blah. My current bf told me how I don't do small talk and he loves my stories.

 

Both with my ex and current bf there arrive(d) a stage when suddenly my storytelling seems to be a negaitve. Yes I can talk a lot. Yes I like to go into detail and yes I am quite adamant on finishing my story even if it's been heard before though if I know then I will at least try to cut out the middle part and cut straight to the finishing pt. From my perspective I feel like my partners seem to admire certain traits in me which before long they seem to end up having issues w the very same traits! I felt really hurt after all the crap my ex gave me about my stories and how I felt I couldn't be me..to hear issues from my current bf about my stories. To his credit he has in the meantime apologised and said he should accept me as I am.

 

There's patterns I see within myself and in how my relationships seem to be going. I think I seem to start off very much individualistic and determined to hold my ground until I hear complaints about not coming from a we or us standpt and then I guess maybe I take a 180 degree turn at which pt it seems my partner goes off in the other direction!

 

I also feel perhaps I need to be more assertive/stern in my relationships. I let my current bf "away with some stuff" due to my stupid mistake as I was trying to focus on building him back up but he admitted himself that I let him treat me like a kid was the example that came up.

 

These are some examples amongst a number of exmaples that I see cropping up and I find it scary. Past hurts are in vain if I haven't learnt from it! This would kill me!

[g44]

i have known couples that have started living together after three dates, others that waited 4 years...i don't think there is a rule book for this stuff, just go with what u believe is good for u but if there are children involved i would definitely wait a long time.

[Batya33]

i have known couples that have started living together after three dates, others that waited 4 years...i don't think there is a rule book for this stuff, just go with what u believe is good for u but if there are children involved i would definitely wait a long time.

 

Sounds like the problem here is that she is trying to figure out what is good for her. There is no rule book but perhaps sharing experiences that might relate to her specific experience and provide insight would be helpful.

[Jlizzy]

Well after a long heart to heart with my mum -she's one of my best friends and is great with advice and manages to stay balanced -I decided to wanted to wait.

 

yesterday my bf asked about it...and then exclaimed how he had already told the flatmate so if I don't move in my bf gets stucks paying my 3rd of the rent as the deal has been done now with the flatmate...

 

 

So I feel like I don't have much choice -I shouldn't have waited so long and been so indecisive..I guess I'll just have to see how it goes..

 

Even a close friend of mine though who knows me very well..spoke to her today for first time in ages..Upon hearing the story she too made reference to my ex..how bizarre...

[annie24]

Well after a long heart to heart with my mum -she's one of my best friends and is great with advice and manages to stay balanced -I decided to wanted to wait.

 

yesterday my bf asked about it...and then exclaimed how he had already told the flatmate so if I don't move in my bf gets stucks paying my 3rd of the rent as the deal has been done now with the flatmate...

 

 

So I feel like I don't have much choice -I shouldn't have waited so long and been so indecisive..I guess I'll just have to see how it goes..

 

Even a close friend of mine though who knows me very well..spoke to her today for first time in ages..Upon hearing the story she too made reference to my ex..how bizarre...

 

I don't think your bf should have told the flatmate without asking you first! that is not cool. He shouldn't have assumed anything, so don't let him guilt you into moving in together.

 

You have signed no legal documents, like a lease, so why are you responsible?

 

I don't like the sound of this....

[Jlizzy]

Thanks Annie. Well I definitely feel it's my own fault for spending a month saying yes I want to move in, oh eh I'm not so sure..I have some concerns, ok now I feel better so yes, oh honey sorry I'm not sure again...

 

Not fair on my bf.

 

The rent has to be paid on the 25th and so he told the flatmate..

 

I half wonder though as the strange thing is..it means he must have told the flatmate whilst the flatmate was on holidays..hmmm