To move in or not to move in?

[Jlizzy]

My boyfriend and I have been together just over 5 months.

I love him dearly.

 

The problem being after 2 months of absolute heaven in terms of communication, passion, love, affection etc etc...things took a turn and the relationship has been quite rocky.

 

We've had some talks over the past month and I feel that last weekend (not thsi current weekend but a week ago) we actually got some useful clarity on the situation and I feel like finally he's understanding my concerns and acting on them a bit.

 

The dream I had during our honeymoon phase of how things could be when the honeymoon bit were to wear off alas seems to be pretty much gone and I'm left to try and work with something different to what I initially expected.

 

We agreed for me to move in with him months back. Back in teh first two months I would have more than happily done it. IN the past month or so I was VERY uncomfortable with the idea. Now I am beginning to feel better about it but still not feeling 100%.

 

A friend made the comment that at least by moving in I'll know faster whetehr or not this is to be or not...it'll be clearer..otherwise I'll just be wondering and wondering. I also feel the way our relationship is..it'd be easier for me to move in. Easier due to commuting and that if he sits down to watch tv and I start getting bored I can go and play my keyboard or whatever...

 

Any ideas or advice on the best plan of action. Today he asked me how I felt about it. I said I don't want to be up down on him but as I feel right now I'd be happy to move in. He's assumed this means definitely. I'm scared to contradict this now as it's not fair to put him through yes, maybe, no, maybe, yes, maybe, no...

[Closure]

From my experience five monthsis a litle early to be moving in..........especially if you'v had a bad month or so. I'd hold off, maybe plan a holiday together, long weekends, get a good idea before you move in would be my advice.

[annie24]

I also think 5 months is too soon to move in together, especially since 60% of the relationship has been rocky! (3 months out of 5!)

 

I mean, if your "honeymoon" phase is over after 2 months.... that's just a bad bad sign....

 

there is no rush to move in, especially if you are uncertain. if you are still together 6 months - 12 months from now, and you are happy together and worked out your problems, you can move in with him then.

 

A friend made the comment that at least by moving in I'll know faster whetehr or not this is to be or not...it'll be clearer..otherwise I'll just be wondering and wondering. I also feel the way our relationship is..it'd be easier for me to move in. Easier due to commuting and that if he sits down to watch tv and I start getting bored I can go and play my keyboard or whatever...

 

I disagree - too much too quickly can kill the romance. you will become "roommates" instead of being playful partners. I think that a relationship is not something you can push the "fast forward" button on. What, and you want to move intogether so he can watch TV and you can play on your computer? it sounds like kind of a lame "benefit" to move in together.

 

good luck

[DN]

what are the problems that made the relationship rocky?

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

From personal experience I would suggest you wait until you are 100% sure about moving in. If you are having issues now, they will only magnify once you are living in the same space.

 

You have every right to change your mind and you should let him know your concerns.

[Jlizzy]

Closure -well we've been on 2 hols together so I have a fair idea...

Some of the things that worried me were during our last 2 week holiday together. We got back 2 weeks ago.

 

Anne -you're making very good points!

I'm really really confused! And I don't want to keep telling my boyfriend yes no yes no..today I told him a yes basically...

Right now I live with my parents again (I have lived 2 years away from home during college and also for 9 months in America with my ex).

Yes not a great track record I guess. Thing is at least this time around if it goes a bit haywire..my folks are just accross the city as opposed to much further away.

 

In the honeymoon phase we talked for like 6 hours non stop. It came out in recent talks how he just doesn't really like to talk so much. He's a stereotypical bloke and I a stereotypical woman in that respect. I LOVE talking!

 

I just feel for a number of reasons that perhaps our relationship would be better suited to us living together and at least this way yes surely I would know a hell of a lot quicker if this is what I want yes or no...

[annie24]

i am also curious now... what were the problems you had?

 

and i also agree, if there is doubt, do not move in with him. remember, if things go well in the future, you can move in with him then!

[Closure]

Well that's sorted then. If you spent two weeks together and were worried you MUST treat it as a warning sign.

 

Go with your gut feeling, the opinion here seems universal.

 

 

Closure -well we've been on 2 hols together so I have a fair idea...

Some of the things that worried me were during our last 2 week holiday together. We got back 2 weeks ago.

[Jlizzy]

Thanks for the advice so far. Very much appreciated!

 

What went wrong:

I was stupid stupid stupid enough to share a bed with my mate when I went to visit him in Vienna. I wasn't aware of the sleeping arrangements before I went over though should have sorted this out beforehand. I naievely thought sharing the bed would be ok coz I had made it clear I had a bf and I didn't want the hassle or the risk of a petty argument by either arranging to get myself into a hostel/hotel or by sleeping on a hard wooden floor.

 

Nothing happened..well other than that my mate tried it on with me one night at which point I pushed him away. That was that.

 

I saw my bf a few days later. We went straight to Budapest. On our 3rd of 4th day he asked me in general conversation about the appartment I stayed in. I never told him over the phone as I didn't want to worry him and it was hard. But when he asked I told him the truth straight away.

 

Inevitabley he was very upset. Upset at me sharing a bed with a man who in his eyes is an ex lover (my mate and I travelled together for 3 months and yes I guess in my eyes we were buddies with benefits but I realise that it's more important to see how my bf sees it). He was also upset that I "hid the truth" from him. Ie by not telling him straight away.

 

This was the start of things going rocky. He vowed then it would be ok. I've tried my best to do whatever I need to do to help the situation..I've done this by talking honestly with him where needed, telling him I'm sorry, etc etc.

 

He's told me he's over it and gone to the point of saying during our holidays when we had another such conversation "stop beating yourself upover it!". I explained that I'm not but the change happened at the 2 month mark (ie when this "event" happened. Then half an hour later he say "Jo you shared a bed with another man. I need to build back up my trust". I'm good with vibes and I feel he is still angry about it but he claims he's not.

 

To me immediately after my bad mistake obviously things were akward but there was still passion. By the time our last holiday came around I felt like we were a couple that had been together for 5/10 years. The passion seemed to be gone, we ewre doing our own thing. Granted maybe holding hands here and there but all in all..not in my mind a couple of 5 months. I've talked to him about it since (as he wanted to go and pick up furniture for me to move in!) and well the conversation was relatively painfull..he can get quite nasty when he's caught offguard...ie he makes some ansty comments...

 

Anyay after he came back, as he often does saying he was sorry adn he's been thinking about it and he himself wants to communicate more and he's paranoid he will lose me etc etc etc...

 

And so the past week I have seen him making an effort to take my comments on board...

[Closure]

Okay, i'm quite an easy going guy Jo but I would be seriously mad over this. I wouldn't have said it was okay and I would have ended the relationship the second I found out about it. I'm fairly no nonsense and anyone that dates me knows that. However, your boyfriend is okay but I would suggest he is having serious doubts. You can't deny him these doubts and no amount of 'nothing happened' is going to change it. He is nasty because deep down he is wondering 'what if' and it doesn't matter if anything happened or not because the seeds have been planted.

 

I'm not sure what else to say, it's a sticky one.

[annie24]

hm.... have you tried turning the situation around in your head?

 

how would you feel if at 2 months, he slept with an old friend of his in the same bed (female friend) and nothing happened? would you be skeptical? I sure would....

 

I have slept in the same bed with guys, and had NOTHING happen. so, it is possible, but I can see where he could have doubts. i think I would have them.....

 

so.... hmm....

[Jlizzy]

Closure: Your point is a good one.

It's also one of my fears.

 

But my boyfriend at this pt gets annoyed and says he's over it. Yet I see the way he says "you shared a bed with another man!". In my eyes there's still anger. But when I said this to him he completely disclaims it and gets annoyed. I'm overanalysing etc etc etc.

 

It makes me really really sad to think of this. And thinking about what you're saying puts the question on the tip of my tongue...should I just end it now and remove the pain it's caused? If this is still going on will it ever get better? I don't want to spend my life thinking my bf has doubt about me or doesn't trust me.

[Jlizzy]

Yes I ahve of course tried to twist it on it's head and I have had plenty of time to realise how it must have hurt him.

 

Thing is that I want to figure out how to move on. I want to figure out how to help him know that I'm trustworthy. I want to figure out how to win back what we once had. I want to figure out will we ever get it back? I want to figure out should I just walk and leave?

 

I think it's strange that at first we still ahd the passion and it seems that as the last 3 months wore on it just got worse.. now it seems perhaps I've gotten through to him a little bit and I see a slight change..

 

Guys please your advice this actually had me a bit depressed. I want to move in with hima dn yet I'm scared of making a mistake.

[Closure]

Well, you can't end it over this because he doesn't see it as a problem, he's told you as much. It won't remove the pain if it's genuinely not an issue. HOWEVER if it isn't the cause of his attitude at times then something else is, something that you don't know about.

 

You can't live with someone who doesn't trust you, I totally agree, it would be a stranglehold of a relationship but whatever happens you have to learn from it. I mean in fairness, you told him you shared a bed and we understand you didn't cheat, you were honest, if you weren't, only you know that.

 

The problem is you need to get down to the nitty gritty of what is causing his hostility and fast. His brushing it aside will not help matters at all.

 

The cracks are there.

 

What's your gut telling you?

 

Closure: Your point is a good one.

It's also one of my fears.

 

But my boyfriend at this pt gets annoyed and says he's over it. Yet I see the way he says "you shared a bed with another man!". In my eyes there's still anger. But when I said this to him he completely disclaims it and gets annoyed. I'm overanalysing etc etc etc.

 

It makes me really really sad to think of this. And thinking about what you're saying puts the question on the tip of my tongue...should I just end it now and remove the pain it's caused? If this is still going on will it ever get better? I don't want to spend my life thinking my bf has doubt about me or doesn't trust me.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Hey Jlizzy-

 

Sometimes only time can help a situation. I think your bf has forgiven you. The fact that he still wants you to move in and is talking about furniture and such says that he is willing to go the distance with you.

 

From my perspective it seems as though you are also having a hard time letting it go. Perhaps you could evaluate how you have changed since this issue began.

 

I remember having a similar issue with an ex-boyfriend and I was so worried about where he stood with me that i stopped "enjoying" the relationship and it showed in my interactions with him resulting in us being less free to just be ourselves which made the relationship stagnant.

 

 

 

 

Thing is that I want to figure out how to move on. I want to figure out how to help him know that I'm trustworthy. I want to figure out how to win back what we once had. I want to figure out will we ever get it back? I want to figure out should I just walk and leave? .

[Jlizzy]

So how do get an answer? I think at this pt we're getting into too many deep heart to hearts in too short a space of time. I'm very worried to scare him away and/or piss him off by needing to have a heart to heart every week...

 

His attitide..I'm not sure..it definitely took a turn when he found out about about me sharing a bed with my mate. however I think some of this is him just being him..and ALSO a thing that really really bugs me: he behaviour seems to be heavily linked with whether or not he smokes grass!

 

Ie I think in the honeymoon phase he smoked a lot of the stuff and I've noticed he's much more snappy and difficult to communicate with when he hasn't smoked! THis is bad. It seems I fell in love with a stoner..ie I mean not just that I fell in love with someone who smokes...but I fell in love with the person I see come out when he's smoked..

[Closure]

As well as forgiven it could also be seen that he is 'hanging on'.

 

Which is worrying......

 

 

 

I think your bf has forgiven you. The fact that he still wants you to move in and is talking about furniture and such says that he is willing to go the distance with you.

[Closure]

This could also be his true colours coming out Jo......

[annie24]

I agree with the wise Oprah...

 

"every single time, DOUBT means DON'T."

[Jlizzy]

Btw all of you..I REALLY appreciate your responses here!

 

I've been a member of a dating website for about 2 years and so I still use the forum to seek advice (my profile states i'm in a relationship) but the people there often make silly jokes and mock your comments. So the advice I'm getting here means a LOT to me.

 

Healinghands..I think you're on to a pt yourself. I got very focussed on trying to do whatever necessary to get us both through this. My bf mentioned wanting to do things together and how he felt I was in this relationship from an I perspective rather than we. I feel like perhaps I took his words so much on board that I began to give too much of myself emotionally. Even when we were on holidays we had the discussion about his annoyance with a guy on the trip for treating me like a child so I told my bf how I felt a bit like he was treating me this way. He admitted it. I asked him why. He said "because I let him".

 

I think also a thing that happened after the whole me sleeping with my mate thing: suddenly my self esteem and confidence took a major drop. I was the cause of a DREAM RELATIONSHIP turning sour. THis hurts A LOT. I was married before and have been through so much crap and I managed to destroy my own dream through a STUPID mistake.

 

With my confidence and stuff down suddenly old fears and especially habits from my last relationship began creeping back upon me! Habits like dancing around on ice before actually making the point. (My ex was VERY difficult to talk to).

 

Any advice on how to bring this forward is highly welcome. I'm thinking maybe I should just move in and see what happens. Maybe this would make my bf feel more at ease. Maybe him feeling like I'm on the brink of walking away is allowing his negative feelings to fester? Maybe by being together we can nuture a more healthy relationship. I'd just need to be sure to make it clear if I wanted more communication or affection. And I also feel I need to take some of my independance back again for a while by building up my own activities for a while. Til such time that we're seeking/needing each other even more..

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

amen to oprah.

 

 

I agree with the wise Oprah...

 

"every single time, DOUBT means DON'T."

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

here lies the problem....of your doubts.

 

 

I mean not just that I fell in love with someone who smokes...but I fell in love with the person I see come out when he's smoked..

[Jlizzy]

Hmm..I just ...if the final outcome were to be that we part ways..I'm not ready to make that decision yet and I want to give it a shot. I love him.

 

I also worry if I don't move in maybe I'll sit here for the next so many months wondering and wondering...at least if I move in it should become quite clear fairly quickly.

 

I currently live back with my family just accross the city so moving back home wouldn't be a major hassle even in terms of belongings. I'm thinking I could try it on a trial basis.

 

Advice still VERY welcome..I don't expect to see people just agree with me for the sake of it. That of course is pointless.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

I have a question...how do you feel about his smoking habits? Is this an issue for you?

[Jlizzy]

Healinghands -I have no issue with him smoking. I even join in myself here and there. I'm very liberal in that respect.

 

Here's the strange irony -according to my bf his ex wouldn't allow him to smoke. So he would do it behind her back. With me it's no big deal. The strange irony being if anything I WANT him to smoke as the attributes that made me fall in love with him such as easy communication, good conversation, lovely affection etc etc come out much more when he has smoked. I didn't realise this in the beginning.

 

So..what bothers me is to think that I am in love with traits that come out when he's under the influence of a drug as opposed to traits that are in him when he's not under the influence!