Blinded by the status-quo

[BlueBaron]

Hey there everyone. First off, this site is great! So many people giving out great advice and what have you.

 

So anyways, I have a problem. I've had the same girlfriend for 2 years and almost 6 months now. We've made it through me going off to college without her, her being in college with me (all sortsa crazy stuff). The thing is, we have what seems like almost nothing in common. We're usually hard pressed to find something that we can do together and usually end up watching TV or finding some movie to watch. (On a somewhat unrelated topic, our sex life is also pretty bad, almost non-exsistant, & i live in a single dorm room)

 

I've often thought about breaking up, but everytime i want to it seems like i just couldn't put myself or her through that. Despite us having nothing in common, I still love her. So as you can imagine my feelings are extremely conflicted and I can't come to a clear conclusion.

 

Overall I guess what I'm concerned about is,

#1) Should I even let this relationship go any longer

#2) If I do, am I going to be happy

#3) Whats gonna happen afterwards

#4) Hurting her beyond repair

 

I'd love to hear everyones thoughts.

[Ipso Fracto Man]

Does she know what's going on in your mind? Maybe a good honest talk will help to clarify things for both of you.

[Momene]

On a lighter note, I enjoyed Status Quo in concert and still listen to them!

 

It sounds more like you're in a rut than out of love and this will happen with anyone. Your sex life usually drops off too. You may not have many interests in common but of you have similar moral and religious beliefs, it will give you a firm foundation for the years ahead.

 

I'm guessing from your age that this is your first serious relationship and when you're in that you don't have the experience to say that the problem is with who you're with or someting you'd experience in any relationship.

 

I see many people leave relationships when the initial spark has died down, expecting one day to find a relationship where it lasts for ever but I also see people clinging to relationships that are clearly not making them happy.

 

The bottom line is that, yes relationships CAN and do become routine but if you are right for each other, warmth and tenderness can make life tolerable. If you can, try and take the odd trip someone (difficult I know when you are studying) and do try to see other friends and family. Even soem separate hobbies aren't such a bad thing and at college there are lots of activities you can enjoy with minimal cost.

 

BUT if you are simply not feeling happy with each other, perhaps it is time to call it a day.

[aymee_lee]

I agree wholeheartledly with momene.

 

Somtimes I feel like I have nothing in common with my boyfriend. He is an engineer and very 'mathematically/logically' minded. I am a teacher who is all about words. He likes to do things on the spur of the moment. I like to plan things months in advance, and my diary is so organised I colour code different events. Seriously. He like punk rock and bands like tool. I like Justin Timberlake and Beyonce. There was a time when I thought this spelt the end of us. But as has been said above, if you love someone and share similar values and beliefs, all that goes by the wayside.

[BlueBaron]

I'm sorry, I don't know who status-quo is, but my title was more aimed towards the routine part.

Huh, how bout that aymee, I'm sort of..uh studying to be an engineer.

 

Haha, jeez, oddly enough I like doing things spur of the moment too, she's not quite as organized as you are but she does like planning things out ahead.(which has caused quite a few problems in the past, not so much in the present but still, it can be an issue)

 

I would try to talk to her about this, but to be honest I think it would scare her more than anything else. Also, I've tried talking about it before, and it usually ends up with "Well, what do you wanna do?" and i usually say, "uuuuhh, i dunno" and can't think of anything. Usually i can't even get her to go for like a walk around campus or something. I tried going to a football game with her recently, and she wanted to leave when they went into overtime and we missed the big play where our team won! (note: i wanted to stay, and she was too scared to walk back to the dorms alone, with the groups of other kids who were walking back)

 

I don't know, a lotta the things we fight about are very petty. I just wish we had something we could do together. Frequently. Thats not boring.

I'm actually trying to get her into video games a little bit at a time since she used to play them when she was younger.

 

We've also taken a day trip before too, up to Canada. That was fun, but I'm not sure thats something we could really do every weekend. Actually, we were supposed to have a couple nights to ourselves during the week. She has a smoothie maker and we were supposed to make margarittas and pina coladas and hang out! (Yes with alcohol, yes its in moderation so no worries ) I was really looking forward to that but she's been sick and it hasn't happened.

I guess thats part of why I feel so let down, I usually get my hopes up for something, no matter how hard I try not to. Then, when something comes up and it doesn't happen, my mood takes a hit and I don't usually feel like doing much. Plus, there's a chance she's busy doing homework or studying and sometimes it's a completely random time that she doesn't need to be doing that and it frustrates me!!

So, as you can probably tell from my rambling response, I'm still everso confused. But I think it's still worth giving a good shot to our relationship.

[laboheme]

Momene said it best. There's no reason for the relationship to end simply because you've settled into a routine. Remember this cliche but oh-so-true saying: "Relationships take work!"

 

You say you're worried that talking about it will scare her away, but I think you have nothing to lose. If it scares her away, the outcome is the same as not having the discussion. But if you get your thoughts and feelings out there, you'll have a fighting chance.

 

Also, try being more assertive when making plans for any given night. Instead of asking what she wants to do or IF she wants to do something, say "LET'S do ___, I know that ___ is going on." She doesn't have to agree, but if you've already got a solid plan, it's easier to negotiate from there. Or try surprising her with a romantic activity (browse online for ideas) -- not only does it get rid of the dreaded "uh, I dunno, what do you wanna do" conversation, but it can help put the spark back into the relationship. The fact that you live in a single dorm room gives you plenty of opportunities to prepare something for when she comes over. If she sees that you're putting in the effort, she might start being more creative with activities, too.

 

If she very busy with homework, you can use that to your advantage, too. First of all, have you tried studying together? This can range anywhere from studying in the same room or actually helping each other with the work (if you know a little bit about the subjects). And study breaks can be your best friend, because they don't require any kind of planning but can be a kind of a bonding experience as you run down to the dining hall to grab a quick snack and make it back to the room in time to finish that paper that's due by midnight...

[Momene]

Status Quo are a rock group that started in the late 60s. Google on the name or "Pictures of Matchstick Men".