HELP PLEASE!!! Quick question...is there hope?

[JulieSB]

Has anyone cheated without the person finding out, and actually got over the guilt? I had never had sex with anyone else (I'm 27 years old) other then my bf of 7yrs and started to get curious. It was the worse thing I've EVER done. Wondering if there is hope for me. Will time heal this wound?

[Closure]

Okay, what's done is done but I don't like cheating.

 

Time is the greatest healer Julie.

 

Maybe coming clean would quicken the process?

 

Hope you had safe sex.

[NJRon]

That's a tough one. I think most of the people who got over the guilt, never had it to begin with. So, it seems that you, feeling guilty, want to do the right thing for your relationship without breaking it apart or hurting your boyfriend. Sometimes, the best way to deal with guilt is to recognize your faults and just endeavor to overcome them in the future. No one is perfect. In the meantime, think about what led to the infidelity and address that, because that is where the root of the issue lies.

 

There are not always easy answers to quick questions.. nor quick remedies for easy actions.

[Closure]

Ohhh I got it

 

The main reason she probably cheated was because she'd only ever experienced one guy......totally natural in my eyes......

 

 

That's a tough one. I think most of the people who got over the guilt, never had it to begin with. So, it seems that you, feeling guilty, want to do the right thing for your relationship without breaking it apart or hurting your boyfriend. Sometimes, the best way to deal with guilt is to recognize your faults and just endeavor to overcome them in the future. No one is perfect. In the meantime, think about what led to the infidelity and address that, because that is where the root of the issue lies.

 

There are not always easy answers to quick questions.. nor quick remedies for easy actions.

[JulieSB]

Yes that was my main reason behind it, but nevertheless it was wrong and I fell so bad. I realize now that there isn't anyone else out there for me, and I wish my boyfriend (hopefully soon husband to be!) was my one and only. I know I can't take it back, but just really want to know if the guilt (at least how heavey it is) will decrease? Thank you everyone for ur help!

[Closure]

There's no general rule for guilt, no rule of thumb so to speak.

 

If you hurt real bad then you need to clear your mind and the only way to do that is tell him. Yes it will hurt, yes he will be angry and yes you lose risking him but that is better than looking someone in the eye when you know you've betrayed them.

 

If I was the boyfriend i'd want to know but then i'd also dump the girl. Who knows, he maybe different.

 

 

Yes that was my main reason behind it, but nevertheless it was wrong and I fell so bad. I realize now that there isn't anyone else out there for me, and I wish my boyfriend (hopefully soon husband to be!) was my one and only. I know I can't take it back, but just really want to know if the guilt (at least how heavey it is) will decrease? Thank you everyone for ur help!

[NJRon]

To be honest, it might help to work with a counselor an this. To have someone objective and face-to-face. I feel the best way is to work with someone to figure out your feelings and whether the right thing is to tell him, or to figure out how to overcome your guilt. Because, the answer is yes, it is possible to overcome guilt... but, I don't think anyone can say that *(you* can overcome *your* guilt except you. Be careful about dealing with an issue like this on your own because, if it is not managed in a healthy way for you, it may actually do more harm than good.

[justpaisley]

Is there any way he could find out from someone else?

 

You really need to get to the root of why you cheated. I've also only ever been with one person (my husband) and I've never been curious about anyone else. There's got to be something else that's driven you to cheat. What is it, really?

[NJRon]

While I would have sometimes wished I had known so that I could make an informed decision on whether to stay with someone or not... there were other times that I wish I had not known... knowing is what ended up destroying the relationship much more than the actual act. Every instance is different. Unfortunately, one the best ways to be able to be perfectly honest is to never do anything you are ashamed of... that's a pretty difficult thing to accomplish.

[Closure]

Thank God i've never been cheated on.

 

I'd like to think i'd never strike a woman but if a woman were to cheat on me, then sleep with me and put me at risk from God know's what I may not be responsible for my actions!

 

 

While I would have sometimes wished I had known so that I could make an informed decision on whether to stay with someone or not... there were other times that I wish I had not known... knowing is what ended up destroying the relationship much more than the actual act. Every instance is different. Unfortunately, one the best ways to be able to be perfectly honest is to never do anything you are ashamed of... that's a pretty difficult thing to accomplish.

[gattsuga]

definitely look in yourself and understand why you cheated on him. Are you TRULY happy in your current relationship? Somehow I don't believe you can be happy in your relationship and still sleep with someone else out of 'curiosity'. You completely neglected his feelings when you did that. how can you say you love your bf?

 

i don't mean to be rude, but i just can't understand if your reasoning was purely out of curiosity.

 

you definitely need to tell him. what kind of relationship is good if you keep something like this hidden?? will you keep it to yourself for the rest of your life? i think it would eventually tear you apart... as your guilt is obviously very strong right now. i would actually think your guilt would always be nagging you at the back of your mind. are you willing to live with this secret guilt for the rest of your relationship with him?

[BornToResist]

Thank God i've never been cheated on.

 

I'd like to think i'd never strike a woman but if a woman were to cheat on me, then sleep with me and put me at risk from God know's what I may not be responsible for my actions!

 

 

First of all....WHAT? You can never strike a woman, and YES you would be responsible if you did so! There is no excuse to take it to that level ever.

 

Onto the OP's question...okay I have never admitted this, but....

I did cheat on a boyfriend. And yes, I was plagued with guilt. But you know what? I should have been. I was responsible for what I did and I should have to deal with the consequences.

 

I'm going to go out on a limb here because if you are TRULY sorry and will never do it again, DO NOT tell him. This transfers the pain from you to him, which is not fair to him. You will feel horrible about this for a while, as you should, but it will go away somewhat. Time heals all wounds. You will still feel badly when you look back on it, but you will realize how lucky you are to still have this wonderful man in your life and cherish him. I am not saying that cheating is a good thing by any means, but if it has happened, learn from it and move on. Do not do it again. Take your punishment and move on.

[Closure]

First of all....WHAT? You can never strike a woman, and YES you would be responsible if you did so! There is no excuse to take it to that level ever.

 

In your opinion. Which I do not agree with.

 

If someone put me at risk like that i'd have no problem whatsoever with my conscience if I reacted horribly.

 

Don't think of me as the bad guy, I just know my limits and i'm sure i'd never ever do it, however if I did i'd sleep just fine.

[NJRon]

I tend to echo BornToResist's thoughts in this case. I can totally identify with curiosity. I can identify with doing something wrong and wishing you hadn't but being torn between deciding if I should spare someone else pain or just surrender to sparing myself pain.

 

That's a personal decision and I don't think anyone can say it is right to do any particular thing in every case. Only what *we* would do if *we* were in the same situation.

 

My perspective may be a little different here. But, I personally would decide whether I could deal with the guilt on my own, or not deal with the guilt. If I could, I would work on doing that and never tell him. If I couldn't, I would end the relationship and never tell him. You are the one that needs to take responsibility for your actions.. and that includes accepting the consequences. There's not always a reason to drag someone else into your own pain.

[Closure]

I can't believe we are advocating deceit here.........

 

Surely the guy has a right to know what his girlfriend is going through emotionally and what has happened to his relationship.

 

I'm staying out of the infedelity thread.

[BornToResist]

In your opinion. Which I do not agree with.

 

If someone put me at risk like that i'd have no problem whatsoever with my conscience if I reacted horribly.

 

Don't think of me as the bad guy, I just know my limits and i'm sure i'd never ever do it, however if I did i'd sleep just fine.

 

Okay am I the only one reading this?? That is just SCARY that you could see yourself a girl for whatever reason and being okay with it.

 

BUT that is a whole different thread entirely. See: Abuse and Violence

[Closure]

LOL!

 

I'm imagining the worst thing that I can think of happening to me and saying how I *might* react.

 

We are all built differently, you think you have the morale highground but you really do not.

 

You, yourself are a cheater by your own admission and you are firmly in one corner.

 

It has NOTHING to do with abuse and violence. Hiliarious.

 

 

Okay am I the only one reading this?? That is just SCARY that you could see yourself a girl for whatever reason and being okay with it.

 

BUT that is a whole different thread entirely. See: Abuse and Violence

[BornToResist]

LOL!

 

I'm imagining the worst thing that I can think of happening to me and saying how I *might* react.

 

We are all built differently, you think you have the morale highground but you really do not.

 

You, yourself are a cheater by your own admission and you are firmly in one corner.

 

It has NOTHING to do with abuse and violence. Hiliarious.

 

FIRST OF ALL... I never said I have the "morale highground" or anything of the sort. These are all opinions, read them at your own risk.

 

You have no rights to call me names, read the forum rules.

[NJRon]

I would advise that someone not hold pre-conceived notions of what they should or would do in any given case because, if it were to happen, as they might find themselves not sleeping well at all. No one knows until it happens to them, and while I would hope it never did, I do hope the person would be able to control themselves enough to not match one wrong for another.

 

I never advocate deceit... I advocate doing the best that can be done. When deciding between deceit and pain, who is to able to make the best determination of the most compassionate approach than the person with whom the power resides to make that decision? Surely not I.

 

All I can do is commiserate and be glad that I am not in a similar situation... to offer support for whatever decision the person comes to on their own. They, and the ones directly affected, have to live with the consequences. Not I.

[Closure]

I am fully aware of the rules and have not called you any names.

 

You have said you were a cheater, that is not name calling. I used it as an to back up my point that you were firmly of one opinion.

 

You implied by your comment of 'am I the only one reading this' that YOU believed others should be jumping all over me because YOU feel you're correct and I am incorrect.

 

YOU wanted to direct me to abuse and violence when i've never struck anyone away from a hockey rink in my entire life.

 

My opinion is this is a touchy subject for you, being a cheater.

 

 

FIRST OF ALL... I never said I have the "morale highground" or anything of the sort. These are all opinions, read them at your own risk.

 

You have no rights to call me names, read the forum rules.

[NJRon]

I would hate to see *yet another person* turned away from this site because they come here seeking support and are instead exposed to negativity, judegemnt, criticism and, even the rare case of a personal attack.

[FortunateOne]

Closure, you are completely out of line to say what you say. I'm a man and I've experienced an abusive childhood. If I was a relative of the supposed hypothethical scenario you lay out i'd be the second one, after the law enforcement authorities, at your door to teach you about power and dominating strenth. I once physically confronted a man at a grocery store due to the physical abuse lashed out at a child and the police never arrested me. So, under the color of morallity youd better seek some type of anger management to put those unhealthy thought out of your mind and starting a new thread on this might, no, will begin to help that insecureity that manifests these crazy remarks.

[Closure]

Everyone has a limit chap and I know for a fact i'm terrified of my reaction should this happen to me. The thing is, because I have thought about it I would probably walk away, however if I did do it, so what, she may have given me a death sentence, which is worse? That's how i'd justify it.

 

Still, it's never happened

 

I'm not a stupid man, I have a doctorate and am chasing another, i'm considered and NOT afraid to voice an opinion, no matter how many politically correct, the world is beautiful people want to have a pop at me.

 

 

I would advise that someone not hold pre-conceived notions of what they should or would do in any given case because, if it were to happen, as they might find themselves not sleeping well at all. No one knows until it happens to them, and while I would hope it never did, I do hope the person would be able to control themselves enough to not match one wrong for another.

[Closure]

Closure, you are completely out of line to say what you say. I'm a man and I've experienced an abusive childhood. If I was a relative of the supposed hypothethical scenario you lay out i'd be the second one, after the law enforcement authorities, at your door to teach you about power and dominating strenth. I once physically confronted a man at a grocery store due to the physical abuse lashed out at a child and the police never arrested me. So, under the color of morallity youd better seek some type of anger management to put those unhealthy thought out of your mind and starting a new thread on this might, no, will begin to help that insecureity that manifests these crazy remarks.

 

What does this have to do with children or dominating strength?

 

This is remarkable.

 

What anger issue?

 

Brilliant!

[avman]

That is enough.

 

Stick to the topic at hand.