Have I blown it already?

[chocolady]

Ok I am new to all this dating stuff and I am a big believer in 'men pursuing women' so I would like comments from other women who feel the same...

 

I joined a dating site and was checking out the profiles when I saw this nice guy I quite faniced, I kinda forgot I was on his page and I clicked 'friend members' out of curiosity, which then 'asked the guy to be my friend' Damn, damn damn.

 

Have I blown it already by me pursuing him or does this just make the guy aware that *I* exist?

[Closure]

Why do you want comments from women that feel the same?

 

Why not broaden your horizons? Not everyone has the same opinion.

 

Why should a guy pursue a woman? Do you not want to be in the relationship? Is it not equal? Theres no harm whatsoever in you being on the front foot!

 

If you haven't emailed him and added him as a friend, well, if I were him i'd delete it but that doesn't mean you've blown it!

[HurleyBabe6917]

show him you're interested.

it's the 21st century.

you can't always expect the guy to come after you.

just try it for once.

[gattsuga]

i think you're over-analyzing things. i'd find it flattering if i had a web profile and someone wanted to get to know me better from just looking at a picture/profile...

 

just don't freak him out and stalk him.

[Scout]

Hi, I used to feel that men should make the first move, because that is what countless etiquette books, relationship books, society, etc. shoved down the throats of me and my friends.

 

But then I changed my mind on that when I noticed there were many guys I would be interested in who did not ever make a move.

 

I also discovered that many of the most desirable males are often too afraid to make a move. They don't want to be perceived as lecherous creeps or something, I'm not sure. Or, they're afraid of being shot down.

 

So, I've definitely adjusted my original thinking on this issue.

 

Does that mean I want to pursue someone relentlessly? Heck no. But if they reciprocate my interest, then I feel good about my decision to approach them. If they don't...well, now I can commiserate with how guys feel when they get rejected! And that helps to further narrow the gap in my mind with the opposite gender.

 

They're really not so different from us, you know.

[Dako]

They don't want to be perceived as lecherous creeps or something, I'm not sure. Or, they're afraid of being shot down. ..........They're really not so different from us, you know.

 

Scout, that's the most brilliant thing I've read here in ages.

I wish more women could grasp that concept for their own benefit.

 

Do women thaink asking a guy out is degrading?

[flower99]

nope you haven't blown it, you just made the guy aware that you exsited...

[Scout]

Scout, that's the most brilliant thing I've read here in ages.

I wish more women could grasp that concept for their own benefit.

 

Do women thaink asking a guy out is degrading?

 

Golly, thanks Dako! I think some of us gals have insecurities about asking a guy out, largely for the reasons I pointed out in my first post. We're told it's "pushy, aggressive"...qualities definitely not encouraged in women.

 

Well, I will share my story of getting rejected, so that women everywhere will understand it's not that painful. I was very attracted to a guy who is the executive director of one of the largest animal advocacy groups in the Rockies. I was enthralled by what he was doing with his life's work, as it's such an important belief of my own, as well. Plus, he was hot.

 

However, he did not seem to be responding to my telepathic signals that were screaming, "Ask me out!!!"

 

Finally, one evening I ran into him at a fundraiser, and after a few moments of conversation, I let fly the eloquent entreaty, "We should hang out some time."

 

His answer..."In what capacity?"

 

I really did not know how to reply, but luckily (sort of), he continued, "Because if in a romantic capacity, I can't do that for anyone right now, and if in just a friends capacity, well, that wouldn't be much fun for either of us, would it?"

 

I kid you not. That was his reply. I just sort of stood there for a moment with my jaw dropped at such a brutally honest assessment of his interest, and then you know what? I had to just laugh. And so I did, and he laughed in return, and I said, "Ok, then!"

 

It was a little awkward a couple of times after I ran into him, but I got over it, and I still admire what he does with his life, and in fact, have some dealings with him from time to time because we're both in that animal advocacy group. I can honestly say it was a much less painful rejection than if he'd just been vague, or said, sure, but then never followed up on it.

[Dako]

He must've respected you to respond like that.

[friscodj]

I am a big believer in 'men pursuing women'

 

Hey chocolady-

 

I'm curious, why exactly do you believe in this?

[Scout]

Hey chocolady-

 

I'm curious, why exactly do you believe in this?

 

Perhaps it's for the reasons I explained in my posts...that we're conditioned to believe this!

 

But, I shouldn't speak for chocolady...

[chocolady]

Hey chocolady-

 

I'm curious, why exactly do you believe in this?

 

Lots of reasons.....

 

Because I've made a move on a few guys only to FEEL that I am the one who is pursuing, which makes me think that he thinks that I am desperate which makes me wish I never initiated the contact.

 

I need for him to 'chase me' and enjoy it when he does. This makes me feel that he really does want to be around me and is not with me because I phoned, mailed first, like he'd rather be doing other things and probably would be if I hadn't called.

 

It just doesn't feel right inside me.It just doesn't.

 

Think of two dogs in the park... they meet each other, walk around each other, they sniff each other, then the * * * * * runs and the dog chases. You NEVER see a * * * * * chase the dog, ever.

 

I guess deep down I like to be the ' * * * * *'.

[Lady Bugg]

I sort of feel like you Chocolady.....BUT...you can open the door for that to happen. Unless you open that door how can the man KNOW to chase you?

There are ways of letting a guy know you're interested WITHOUT chasing him. Personally I don;t like CALLING a guy...but I find email much less intrusive. So email works for ME. You can flirt and be suggestive in emails.

I think this is a "softer" approach..for me anyway.

 

If it's in person..I think making a lot of eye contact or teasing a guy is a way to let him KNOW you're interested...

 

If that fails....write him a note: I like you..do you like me? Yes or no? Check the Box.... LOL

[friscodj]

Hey choco-

 

Well, if it "just doesn't feel right to you"...you can't argue with that...

 

I would like address a couple of points you made in your last post:

 

1) People are not dogs!

 

2) These few guys you pursued don't represent every guy out there, or even the majority of them perhaps...try not to fall into the "over-generalization trap" here...

 

3) Does the chase make you feel better about yourself? Are you really after the chase vs. the person and the fulfillment of the relationship?

[chocolady]

3) Does the chase make you feel better about yourself? Are you really after the chase vs. the person and the fulfillment of the relationship?

 

Nope, it makes me feel better about him.

 

..... the person and fulfillment of the relationship..

[friscodj]

Nope, it makes me feel better about him.

 

..... the person and fulfillment of the relationship..

 

OK, fair enough. Two more questions:

 

1) Do think you could feel this way without a "chase situation" at all?

 

2) Do you think that this "chase" might create an imbalance in the relationship, setting a precedent for future "chasing", e.g., maybe after an argument or something it now becomes his job to chase again, etc. which can detract from the fulfillment and healthiness of the relationship?

[chocolady]

OK, fair enough. Two more questions:

 

1) Do think you could feel this way without a "chase situation" at all?

 

2) Do you think that this "chase" might create an imbalance in the relationship, setting a precedent for future "chasing", e.g., maybe after an argument or something it now becomes his job to chase again, etc. which can detract from the fulfillment and healthiness of the relationship?

 

Oooh Good questions

 

1) I think if you become friendly with someone, in work for instance, you grow on each other. A certain warmth, sexual tension, eye contact, flirting etc works. But I would always be the one who pulled away from eye contact first, walked away grinning after flirting leaving him smiling and effectively wanting more. I feel it's like we are equally attracted to each other and dance the same dance.

 

 

2) if I have done something wrong, whether he chased me or I chased him, I would have no problem in approaching him first and apologising. If I have done something to upset them, it is MY PLACE to reach out and say I am sorry as in any relationship, so I don't think that it would cause an imbalance, I know when to do the right thing.

[friscodj]

1) I think if you become friendly with someone, in work for instance, you grow on each other. A certain warmth, sexual tension, eye contact, flirting etc works. But I would always be the one who pulled away from eye contact first, walked away grinning after flirting leaving him smiling and effectively wanting more. I feel it's like we are equally attracted to each other and dance the same dance.

 

Two questions based on this answer:

 

a) Have you tried just being friendly and focusing on friendship with someone first as you stated?

 

b) Do you think this would this be possible without a "chase" or "dance"?

 

2) if I have done something wrong, whether he chased me or I chased him, I would have no problem in approaching him first and apologising. If I have done something to upset them, it is MY PLACE to reach out and say I am sorry as in any relationship, so I don't think that it would cause an imbalance, I know when to do the right thing.

 

a) What if there is no clear-cut, black-and-white "I did this wrong I am sorry/he did this wrong, he should aplogize" situation? Sometimes relationships face difficult times where the areas of gray are consuming. Do you think your mindset of there being a "dance" adversely affect your relationship in these cases?

 

b) In a more general case, do you think the notion of there being a "dance" in the meeting stages of the relationship carries though as the relationship progresses? If so, when does the "dance" end?

 

Just some food for thought...your answers might help me too...

[chocolady]

Two questions based on this answer:

 

a) Have you tried just being friendly and focusing on friendship with someone first as you stated?

 

b) Do you think this would this be possible without a "chase" or "dance"?

 

 

 

a) What if there is no clear-cut, black-and-white "I did this wrong I am sorry/he did this wrong, he should aplogize" situation? Sometimes relationships face difficult times where the areas of gray are consuming. Do you think your mindset of there being a "dance" adversely affect your relationship in these cases?

 

b) In a more general case, do you think the notion of there being a "dance" in the meeting stages of the relationship carries though as the relationship progresses? If so, when does the "dance" end?

 

Just some food for thought...your answers might help me too...

 

I guess you're talking about relationships and I'm talking about the initial meet and the fun of the chase, the start of an attraction, the flirt, the fun etc. But I will answer....

 

The whole 'idea' of the chase is to catch and be caught so there would be no chase when you have been 'caught'. it' the very beginning, not long term. When you know you both feel the same, it stops. At least with me anyway.

 

The dance never ends when you are with the right person. You don't realise it's there, but it very much is, it's because the dance just becomes more graceful, endearing and 'effortless' with time.

- speaking as someone who was happily married for 18 years and knows of the difficulties of relationships probably better than you do, if I may be so bold.

 

If I do not follow my gut, I will always feel out of step with the other person and like I am treading on his toes. Maybe crazy to you but I can't change what I think and feel inside.

 

I'll keep you posted on his reactions and what happens, it will be interesting to see the results

[friscodj]

Well, chocolady, sounds like you got your answers...from yourself!

 

Good luck and keep us posted...

[TheRedQueen]

Must preface this post by stating that I have NO game, but thus far in my life, I have more or less pursued every guy I have ever been with intimately. Perhaps I am an impatient control freak, but the guys I seem to be naturally attracted to are usually shy and solitary individuals, ones, who under normal circumstances, would never approach me or consider me as a true potential mate. When I approach them, I do so with very little pride, and no pre-set plan, sometimes they like me, sometimes they don't.

[TheRedQueen]

Either way, it is what it is, and at the very least my pursuit provides me with the comfort of knowing, rather than the anxiety of wondering, whether or not so and so and I, shoulda, woulda, coulda been...

[chocolady]

Ever wondered if you hadn't pursued a man, he woulda and still would be instead of it fizzling out?

 

I think if a man, however shy and solitary he is WILL ask you out if he is really that into you. If he doesn't, I honestly don't think he woulda or shoulda, as he is just wasting his time.. and yours.

[candy604]

i don't see a problem with a girl asking out a guy or intiating contact or a date. I did that b/c my bf was shy and such..it worked out in the end! I asked him out on a few days, made the first call, hehe. It's a change

 

Some guys are shy they can't even get any girls b/c they are afraid of rejecting or they just don't know what to do. I've talked to a few guys about that n read on threads where guys just don't have the balls to ask girls out b/c they are so scared.

[Aurian]

Perhaps its the whole "Rules" phemenon. You know, those rules to dating that women are supposed to follow. You have to make a guy chase you. Otherwise you are too "easy" and he loses interest. If you are busy and make him chase you, it makes you interesting and he hangs around long enough to get attached to you.

 

Okay, some ideas are good. Its not good to bombard a guy with three zillion emails asking him to notice you. Nor is it good to have no life outside of your dates with him (ie - don't drop everything and run when he beckons!). However, the Rules are very rigid and a bit insulting.

 

So... don't be too available, but I think its okay to show a guy you are interested. Maybe he's feeling insecure or might not notice one more ad amongst a hundred or so ads. Maybe he is your one and he would never have found you if you haven't shown yourself first. Give it a shot. You haven't lost anything by reaching out. If you didn't reach out, you might never meet.