1 Week NC and she calls

[iceman85]

Hey all, I have been put through the ringer in the past few months, i'm sure you all know what happened with me but if not a short synopsis.

 

My GF of over a year broke up with me in late May and then proceeded to some other guy right away. Her personality has completley changed and she has neglected all of her friends for this new group that only cares about drinking, smoking and what not. Shes now 19 and i'm 21. We were each other's firsts. We were very happy together and talked about marraige. We had fights toward the end over the dumbest of things. We became too much a part of each other I have come to realize.

 

I tried everything to get her back of course, didnt work, I would get varying answers such as I'm not sure if what I feel for you is love, my feelings are gone, i'm not sure if i'm hiding feelings, maybe in the future.

 

I stayed in contact most of this time, I tried NC a few times, each time it lasted at most 5-7 days before she would call me and go crazy unblocking herself on my sn. Usually after these times she would say she was sorry about how things went. A little over a month ago after a week of NC she came to me and stated how we should try to get back together. I agreed, thing is she never really put the effort into it.

 

I met another girl from work who was 4 1/2 years younger than me, she was wonderful and we really liked each other alot. I was happy, but again that came crumbling down when she said she couldnt do it even though she wanted to because her parents wouldnt allow it.

 

I have been in NC with my ex for a week and she called last night a few times, from her number then a private number. I didn't pick up the phone, the day before she sent me a text asking why I hadn't talked to her online. Again I didnt respond. The last discussion we had I asked her if she wanted to hang out. She said to come home for a weekend. I said I would only come home if she would be available, she said she was too busy and the next chance would probably be around christmas. I was very upset with that becuase supposedly she wants to try to get back together. She expects me to find time yet she wont find the time. She has plenty of time to go and get drunk and high however.

 

My question to you all is what do I do? Should I return her calls from last night? Or should I just continue to not respond? When I havent responded in the past she usually gets extremeley angry and leaves hateful voicemails. At this point I don't care what she does, I'm not gonna be there for her, its a relationship or nothing. The good thing is i'm now back at school and I'm trying my best to meet other girls. Its just tough because of how much I care about my ex.

[rose2summer]

Do not return your calls,

 

As the dumper she has no priviledges or rights,

 

You have every right not to talk to her,

 

Do not break no contact, you're doing great,

 

Anyways, do you want someone who leaves vindictive voicemails,

 

You deserve better than that,

 

Let her get the hint for your arctically cold silence.

 

Rose

[friscodj]

Hey ice-

 

Let me tell you something bro. I've been on this site for about 9 months now and I have been following your story from the beginning, answering your posts, PMs, etc. From the bottom of my heart with all the sympathy I can muster, I can surely say I can't think of too many other situations where someone was getting played sooooo bad...

 

To say this woman is playing you would be an understatement. Let's rehash things here, maybe the summary will knock some sense into you because I can't reach through the computer and do it myself:

 

She dumps you and starts dating another guy immediately, you try to "get her back" and she gives you the classic string-along line of "I don't know, I'm not sure, maybe in the future". So you stay "friends" and try to detach by not contacting her after which she responds with reported "attempts" to get back together which she puts no effort into. In the meanwhile, you date someone else who breaks your heart to make matters with your ex twice as bad.

 

Now your ex is back to her tricks and you are playing along again! She again brings her irresponsibility and double-standards wanting to have you without doing any work herself. Pathetic!

 

Now you question what to do because you fear her anger and still want a relationship with this woman! You say "relationship or nothing" but come on, let's not kid ourselves, you want to be with this woman. Actually, you want to be with the idea of this woman the way you would like to see her.

 

You see, you have fallen into the classic mindset of thinking a) she will change and b) you guys will "get back together" and this action will "fix" everything. You write me back and you tell me specifically what makes you think this other than the hope you have in your heart.

 

See, the problem is you have not found surety in knowing in your head which way to go with this yet and talking to her only confuses you more. So what do you think the best course of action is?

 

And absolutely forget about other girls for a while, you need to foucs on you, get out of this tangled mess, and heal bro...

[Siriana]

Well ignore her. She doesn't deserve better. And even if the little witch wanted to be with you again - you have more pride than that, right?

The best revenge that is not making any harm to you or to her is keep going with your life and leaving the past where it belongs.

[iceman85]

Well frisco thank you for responding and I agree I have allowed myself to be played a bit and I dont want to anymore. I'm not someone who deserves that, its not respecting myself.

 

I came to the realization that if I was able to stay with the other girl I would have rather had her then my ex. However, I still really care about my ex, and deep down yes I would love to be back with her.

 

I really dont like who she is right now. And i'm not saying that getting back with her would fix anything. I just know that we shared something really deep and special and that that means alot.

 

I think she has a lot of growing up to do and I hope shes doing that, I dont really know where shes at. All I know is I care about her alot and deep down I want to be back together with her.

 

I say relationship or nothing because right now if getting back together wasnt gonna happen I cant continue to have her in my life without it causing distress. Everytime I talk to her I remember how much I care about her and how wonderful we were together.

 

I realize that if anything happened it would be new and wouldnt replicate the past. Its tough but I really feel like I'd be willing to give it another go with her if we were both sincere about it.

[friscodj]

A few more points regarding your last post:

 

1) You aren't getting played a bit, you are getting played a lot.

 

2) You still want to be back with your ex but do you know you shouldn't?

 

3) You did share something really deep and special and you will always have that together. It's OK to leave that to your heart. Do you want feelings and memories of being played for so long to remain? Do you want the bitterness and negativity that come from that to remain? Leave it as it is, remember her for the person she was and what you had together, and call it good.

 

4) You don't want to get back together with her, you want to get back together with the woman she was. You want to "go back". The "back" part is gone and the only place to go now is away. And eventually you will see this for yourself, I am trying to get you to open your eyes here and see through the clouds and utopian haze of hope, despair, pain, and dreams to see reality.

 

5) No, you don't realize "if anything happened it would be new" because you keep talking about "how wonderful it was" and how you want to "get back together".

 

6) And when was the last time she was sincere about anything other than pushing you to the side for her own purposes?

[iceman85]

Hey all well she called again quite a few times and I didn't answer.

 

She left a voicemail saying if I didn't call her back within a day that i could expect her to never call me again.

 

Minutes later she leaves me a text message saying my phone is a waste, she doesn't know why she even cares about my existence.

 

Both of those things were hurtful and just reinforced why I should be doing NC. Shes obviously immature.

 

However, we were trying to work on regaining trust with each other. We both shattered that, her by basically cheating and me because she didnt like how I talked to an ex gf and how i wouldnt always be truthful about what I was doing at school. We both then went onto each other's emails and screen names and everything and it got bad.

 

My goal is to work it out with her but I dont want to be with an immature mean person. I want us to work on rebuilding trust. Please reassure me that not calling her back and continuing NC is the right thing to do here.

[majord23]

You have ignored her contact, so she is 'upping the ante' to get a reaction out of you...that is all.

 

She says that you won't hear from her again if you don't return her call - all designed to get you to react.

 

Keep ignoring her, what will have changed bewteen you if you *do* respond? Nothing.

 

BTW: If you do ignore her, I guarantee that it won't be the last time that you have heard from her.

[iceman85]

Well against my better judgement I called her to tell her she has to cut this behavior out.

 

I called her and got into how I didnt appreciate her giving me threats and leaving angry voicemails demanding that I do things. She then hung up and I called her back and she said she doesnt want to talk if all I'm gonna do is blame her for things. I calmly explained that by her doing those things it comes off as immature.

 

Then as always she brought up how I lied, how she cant believe me when I say i've changed because I've said that before. She says she doesnt think she'll be able to trust me. I told her I promise her, that I havent lied to her in awhile. She says that may be true but i'll always lie to her and not to anyone else. I told her thats also not true, she is first and foremost to me and I would never lie like I did before to her. I promised her, she said that words dont mean much, to not make a promise I couldnt keep. I told her I promise.

 

Then our conversation went pretty well, it reminded me of a conversation we had when we were together, for the first time in awhile there wasnt really alot of silence. We talked about whats been going on with each of us, we joked around a bit, i told her how theres a comedy show at my school at the end of the month, she asked if she could go and I said if she wanted to I'd buy her a ticket and she could come.

 

I dont know whats going on still but I didnt want to push anything. I dont know if we're trying or what. I want to have us try, but it seems she needs to see from me that I am not gonna make the same mistakes I made in the past. I need to see she wont do what she did to me either (basically cheat on me).

 

I don't know why, but I get this crazy feeling that she's gonna find someone else and we won't have our chance and it drives me crazy, I see guys commenting on her myspace saying sexual * * * * and it drives me nuts. I really cant do too much for now except make sure things keep going ok with us i guess. I really dont know what to do. I want to get back with her because I still care for her so much.

[iceman85]

The convo went well though and I may even be seeing her at the end of the month. Guys I really care about this girl. I want to get back with her. I've tried NC and it lasts for a week at most before she goes crazy. Shes so unsure of anything right now, I want to be with her though. I get all these crazy feelings like she'll find someone else and we'll never have our chance again. I dont know I just feel pretty bad right now.

 

Plus shes the one who makes all the effort to contact me, I didnt think about her as much for about 2-3 months cause i was seeing someone else, but that ending in a mess really just makes me realize I care about my ex so much.

 

She said she wanted to work on things at the end of July, yet nothing really happened, should I bring that up again? I dont know what to do

[Siriana]

I think you're loosing your time that should be invested into getting over her. It is not like you can't do it - but you don't want to do it - and I think it is a wrong plan.

 

As you can see she said she wanted to work things out at the end of july and nothing happened jet. Why bringing it up again? Do you really think she really wants to get back together but somehow she forgot to mention that toppic to you?!

 

Like, "hey, I want to get back together - I think the best course of action is to never mention it again - that will work. Am I forgeting something? Oh, yeah, I am suposed to tell him I want to try again-it somehow sliped my mind, but, never mind - he will get it, he will call me and than I will tell him how badly I want to be with him, plus I am going to save on my phone bill"

 

I mean, how much more time you need to be treated badly and be neglected to get the point? I somehow think the more you're beeing played, the more you want to be with her because you just don't want to hear no.