caught in love and lies...

[hislifesong]

I'm a newbie - hi ya'll - from arkansas... I know this post might seem long - but i really need some advice from someone on the outside, other than just from my mom and sister!

 

been seeing this guy, James, for about a month - - went into the relationship too quickly, now i'm hurtin' because of it. Heck, after a week of being together, practically everyday, he told me he was falling in love with me, and had found the one he wants to marry someday....i won't lie, and say that i didn't feel very intense, strong feelings - - sometimes, a girl just knows when something is there - there's something, i just can pinpoint it!

 

Okay, so a bit of background - he's been married, divorced for a year, has a 2year old daughter, that i haven't pressed on him introducing me to her - that will come in time...he says his exwife & the courts are making him pay $780 a month, for just one child - they based this off of his yearly earnings the last year they were married - he told me $1500 short of making $100,000 - so that's how they came up with the $780. She took the house, the land, the brand spankin new expedition (which he has to pay for, because the title is in his name, but she gets to keep it!). He has a different job now, than what he had when he was married, and he's making less than b4 - so the $780 is breaking him each month...I'm rambling..sorry...

 

Okay...to get to the point, he's met my mom & sister and at first they loved him! But then he got into a car accident, and his main truck that he drives, he says, got totalled! He has a 2nd truck, his work truck that he's driving now. But here's where i've/we've caught him in things that don't really make sense/lies - - he told me & my fam' (mom & sis) that the insurance co. cut him a check for $11,600 for his truck, but the bank wouldn't let him have all the money, due to it being such a large check (?). He said with that money that he paid off his ex's expedition - this was a week ago. Well, now he's telling me that the insurance co. decided that his truck could be fixed, and they're taking the check back (do they even do that?) - and now he needs $3000 by the end of the month - for what, i don't really know - to catch up on his child support, tags for his truck...

 

Here's where i'm hurting - we've "done the dirty" - and I don't know if all women are like this, but when i do that with someone, i'm emotionally attached to them! Well, i was gone for the last 2 weeks, for vacation, then my grandma died. I just got back this week - James came over Monday morning (5am) - we "did the dirty" and then he left to go to work...and left me feeling like it was a "booty call" - - he'd called me and asked me what was wrong - he could tell something was up by the tone in my voice, so i told him my feelings, that i felt it was just a booty call - - he got PISSED! Since monday, he's been treating me like CRUD! treating me in a way, that a normal boyfriend SHOULDN'T treat his girlfriend! And everytime we've talked since then, he keeps bringing up what i said, even though i've said i'm sorry like a million times! He says, "we're nearly 30, and you're treating our relationship like we're teenagers...i don't do booty calls, and can't believe you would even think..."

 

I caught him in a lie last night, when he told me that he'd gone to pick up his truck from the auto salvage place (where they had towed his truck to) and bring it to his work...my sister and i drove down to his work - we didn't really believe it was wrecked - due to all the insurance check stuff - so we drove down there, and his truck wasn't there...so then we drove down to the salvage yard, where he told me it was - it wasn't there either! There's other things that come up fishy too - like we were s'posed to spend this coming weekend together - but his boss told him "he has to work all weekend long" - this sort of thing has happened b4, but he wasn't at work, and wouldn't answer his cell phone! As my mom says, "i smell sardines in tuna town!" - something fishy is going on...i know, i know...i should just walk away, and forget i met him...but i'm emotionally hurting...

 

I"M TIRED OF MEETING TURDS!!!

[Closure]

Sounds to me like you're being played like an east end banjo.

 

Get out, stay out and look to the future.

 

Not much else I can say except you know already how you deserve to be treated and shouldn't accept anything less!

[Honey Pumpkin]

HisLifeSong,

 

Just read through your post, and it was weird - with each new bit of information I kept thinking, this guy is a bit off, this guy is lying, till at the end I hope she just dumps him and walks away. The request for money was the bit that made huge alarm bells ring. I'm sorry, I know you feel emotionally attached to him, but it just sounds like he's playing you. I don't know what he's up to, but he's definitely up to something.

 

I really think you should dump him and walk away from the whole thing. Sorry, it's just that everything sounds really off.

 

Take care.

[ultraviolet]

Normally I'd recommend talking to him, trying to discern the truth and go from there, but there are a lot of red flags indicating this guy isn't trustworthy.

 

$3000 is a lot of money. Assuming he's telling you the truth (doubt it), I wouldn't even consider lending it to him unless you can afford to lose it. I know you care about the guy, but for someone who's in love with you and wants to "marry you someday", he's not treating you with the love and respect you deserve.

 

Any emotionally intelligent person could see that when you accused him of using you as a 'booty call', you were looking for reassurance. Perhaps you could have approached him more tactfully (by telling him you were hurt instead of accusing him), but his self-serving (he's the victim???) and defensive responses to you and the fact that he keeps bringing it up (no matter how much you apologize) *should* be a wake-up call that this guy holds grudges and is more into being right than he is into working things out. This isn't love. It's the need for control.

 

One more thing: I realize it's hard being a divorced father and having to pay a huge chunk of one's salary every month. But I doubt any woman with a 2 year old little girl came easily to the decision that they'd be better off divorced from the father. Rather than empathize with him right now, I think you ought to ask yourself: What is it that she might have had to accept about him that you're trying to ignore?

 

Do yourself a favor and write it all out. First take a piece of paper and write out everything you ever wanted ideally in a man. Highlight those things that are necessities (non-negotiable.) Take a second piece of paper and draw a line down the center. List all the pros and cons of being in a relationship with James. Have your sister and mom add their input as well.

Compare the two pieces of paper. How much are you compromising your needs and wants to be in a relationship with James? Can he ever make you happy? Is James even close to being the type of man you want and need?

 

I know you love him, but how well is he loving you?

[NJRon]

I had been with someone for 1 year. One of her immediate relatives was arrested and out of state, due to the situation involved, the only one able to bail the person out directly was an aunt that lived in the area. The problem was they were a few thousand short of the bail money.

 

I had to think very hard before I decided to help out and chip in to cover the rest of the bail since I believed, after hearing the situation, that he should never have been arrested in the first place. He was stuck five states away from his wife, they had just moved and didn't have any money... the list went on and I had to have a lot of *good* and *totally believable* reasons. Even then, they never actually asked me for assistance. I was the one that offered it.

 

I would be very suspiscious if they had actually asked for it and I was *living* with the girl at the time.

 

The whole story just doesn't quite add up. It's a little too complicated and there seems to be a gap. The only reason I could think that he couldn't get the full amount of the money was if he was trying to *cash* the check... as opposed to deposit it. Normally a claims adjuster comes out to verify the damage to the vehicle... once decided by the claims adjuster, the check is cut and the case closed... While I'm not saying it's impossible... It sounds peculiar.

 

I'd be curious to know what he did to justify, in the divorce, the supposed injustice of his ex-wife getting absolutely everything *plus* child support. Not to mention, when someone takes a pay cut, they just show proof to the courts in order for them to adjust the amount of support.

 

I can't put my finger on it, but between the way you say he treats you, his erratic actions and this peculiar story... it just doesn't add up.

[hislifesong]

Okay...so what James had told me, and what his co-worker also told me, is that at his previous job:

 

"It was Hollys' b-day (his ex), my boss left unrather early...so i asked my manager if i could leave early to pick up flowers and a gift for her. I'd ran to walmart and the flower store, and when i drove up in the driveway, there was someone else's truck - that looked awfully familiar...and when i walked in, Holly and my boss were having an affair." - - as told to me by James.

 

I don't know how it is in other states, but in Arkansas (and Iowa, where i grew up), the women are the ones to feel sorry for & ALWAYS seem to end up with the lot! It was the same story for my brother & his now ex-wife...he came home to find her cheating on him with a co-worker/friend - she got the house, the car(s), the kids (2), and he has to pay $2000 a month for child support!

 

He got upset because i asked him for my house-key back...it was my moms' copy, incase when she came down to visit, and i wasn't home, she could get in...she's visiting right now, and about to leave back for iowa this week, so she needed her key back! Of course, then again, i don't know how comfortable i feel with him having a key - after the lies that i've caught him in, ya know?!?

[Grokker]

HisLifeSong,

 

There is only one kind of relationship worse than that with a partner who is dishonest and cheats on you emotionally. That's a relationship with the kind of person who will not only cheat on you emotionally but in material terms (con you out of money and such) as well.

 

We all like to think that money and material things are "unimportant compared to love" in our order of emotional priority. But the truth is, you can eventually forgive someone who just withdrew from you emotionally or fell in love with someone else... emotions, after all, are beyond a person's conscious control.

 

It hurts much worse to realize that a person to whom you entrusted your emotions was only using that as leverage to get other stuff from you.

 

Everything, and I mean everything in your story suggests that this James is that sort of guy.

 

Cut and run. Dump him. Don't overthink, don't agonize, don't invest an iota more of your emotions than you already have. That's the best I can tell you.

[NJRon]

You know... what you said about the way the infidelity happened and the divorce (as well as all the other stuff)... it especially doesn't add up right now. Sounds like he is saying one thing... but the facts are adding up the other way... so, they just don't match.

 

There is a gap there. Don't know what exactly is being hidden... can't say if he is out to get something or if he is just hiding something else. But, I get the distinct impression that he is not being 100% truthful. I agree with not investing any more of your emotional well-being in this relationship. There's some dishonesty going on. However, only you can be the judge of whether you want to mess with getting to the bottom of it or cutting your losses.

 

I find though, in my experience, that mother's intuition's are rarely wrong...

[hislifesong]

Okay...totally off subject - but NJRon - what exactly is that picture of?? It's totally creepin' me out...??? Gives me the whoobie-joobies!

[hislifesong]

I'm starting to think that's all he wants me around for is money...like yesterday evening, after he'd picked up his daughter (i heard her in the background sayin' "daddy"), he called to tell me that he got this letter in the mail, telling him he has 10 days to get his bank account into the positive, otherwise, his account will be turned over to the prosecuting attorney - - oh and btw - his acct is something like $450 in the hole...First of all - i have (in the past) had an acct like that, and it was never turned over to the p.a. - instead, it was sent to a collection agency. But I told him I couldn't loan him the money...due to the fact that my check this week is much smaller than usual (i was gone first on unpaid vacation, then my g'ma passed away - so i was absent for like a week 1/2 - i didn't get berievement pay (they don't offer it!), and i have to pay a speeding ticket from the money i get from this check! He said he didn't call me to get money from me...but i'm thinking, then why did you call me?? He said he thought i'd like to know...fishy, fishy, fishy...

[NJRon]

Hmm.. my avatar is a pigeon. But it seems to stump people. I would never want to accidentally creep someone out... I may hgave to change it though... something mellow...

 

Yeah, it is all a little odd. Where did the money go if the bank wouldn't have given him *all* of the money for the truck. Did he write a bunch of bad checks and that is why the courts are getting involved? Did the child-support check bounce? I would be curious... but, you know, I think at this point I would just kind of be backing off for a while. Even if it's all legitimate, it seems like there is a lot of drama going on and things he needs to deal with that should be a little more important than trying to pursue a relationship with someone.

 

If you had been in a long-standing relationship for a while and this stuff started happening, then I would say to support him. As it is... you need to decide for yourself whether it's worth it to you.

[engagedkitty]

Heh, he's lying, if your bank account is in the red then they will refer your account to a collection agency, not the P.A. He's so obviously trying to con you. Have you been around the daughter yet? You should observe how he is with her, I would be quite curious to hear about all of that...

 

...ever thought of talking to the exwife, btw? I know she could very easily make up a bunch of lies but if your intuition is good then let that lead your way... It would be interesting to see what she tells you.

[Momene]

Perhaps he should write fiction!

[hislifesong]

LOL - that's funny - i'm pretty open-minded...perhaps i should tell him to write a book...tee hee hee

 

I thought about calling his ex-wife - but if he were to find out, omg - i can't imagine what he would do! I called my ex-husbands' ex-wife, when we were married, and having problems - she told me if i was having problems that early on, to get out while i still could...

[NJRon]

Hmm... maybe you should call your ex-husband's ex-wife again and ask her what she thinks about this one... sounds like she gives helpful advice

[hislifesong]

And once again...he calls me today, to let me know (i already know this - i don't know why he told me again!) that he needs $450 by next friday for his bank account! He just thought i would like to know - - but WHY!!!!

 

I'm changing my telephone number - - but that really doesn't help me - he knows my work # and where i live too!...i'm not going to put a restraining order on him - he hasn't done anything of that sort to make me do that - but jeeze - why can't he win the lottery or something!

[NJRon]

Hmm.. have you broken up with him? If not... I would try that first before changing your phone number.. it's a lot less hassle. The phone company can be a real bear sometimes.