Where are all the good guys?

[friscodj]

I know I do have a lot of issues I need to work on before I get involved with another guy, but some of the things I deal with mentally, I feel are never going to go away unless I get some sort of help (like being confused about my depression, if it is bi-polar or what) and I feel helpless about my mental issues, like I would rather forget about them and hope they disappear and just worry about meeting new guys -not to save me- but to help me change for the better.

 

I'd go with your option "A": get some sort of help.

 

I know you feel helpless, that's normal. Just take things one step at a time. If I can do it, you can do it... I've found the first appointment is the toughest. Just make the appointment and go...don't even think about it...just do it...you'll feel a lot better...

 

Are you in school? If so, you should have free access to counseling.

 

Natalie, you're 18 years old and you've got a lot of great times in life awaiting you. Get these issues situated sooner than later so you can really enjoy them both with yourself and with the great guy you seek. You're still developing and working on these during this time of your life is a really good idea...

[FortunateOne]

Ah! Now you're starting the journey of healing by seeing that origin of this problem.

 

Depression is where the asnwer is, by fixing your mental health you will get the man of your dreams. Stay on this road and ask everyone here how to overcome it. Your self respect, self worth and self confidence will benefit greatly and thereforeeee set guideline to weed out the losers that cross your path.

[FortunateOne]

Try this link for a start

 

link removed

[Batya33]

Until you feel good alone you will not meet the right guy because you will keep going into relationships out of need or based too much on the need to "have a boyfriend." I was like that too at your age. What went a long way to curing me of that "need" was accomplishing things educationally and professionally. In college I did an internship one summer where I met people from all over the country but more importantly, women who were not into whether they had boyfriends or not - we were all 20 years old at the time. I had a boyfriend at the time - a little older, professional, successful - but these women didn't find that important or even relevant - they talked about their professional and educational goals, friends, family, music, theater - some had boyfriends, some did not but that wasn't the focus.

 

Related to that, I went to graduate school and was successful there and followed a professional dream I'd had for over 10 years at that point in time. That gave me a good sense of self esteem and the way I chose men changed dramatically because the "need" to be part of a couple and to be "wanted" (even by someone I didn't want) diminished greatly - almost disappeared.

 

Until that point it makes no sense to set standards for yourself because your need to be part of a couple - any couple - is stronger than your sense of self worth. I would never (!) date someone who took illegal drugs - for several reasons, someone who drank excessively or someone I wasn't comfortable with/didn't have a good time with. Why - when I can spend that same time doing the things I like to do either with friends, family or alone? But you have to choose you in a way you are not doing right now. When you do, you will naturally gravitate toward people who are worthy of you. There are many many good guys waiting (other than my boyfriend - he's taken ;-) but they want someone who has a healthy sense of herself just like they do.

 

good luck.

[LostInTranslation]

I found interest in this post because I am thinking the same ... about women.

 

I hear all the time that women want a good guy, good career, educated, etc. However, I see women with the total opposite. I think I am the most successful and well-rounded people I know and I am still single. Sure, I may be a little picky, but I know what I want and I refuse to settle if I'm bringing a lot to the table.

 

For once I would like to meet a girl who doesn't have multiple partners and boyfriends, doesn't have excessive tattoos, and actually has career and life goals besides finding who's buying their next drink.

 

I'm living proof that nice guys definitely finish last.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Yes guys do this, but tell me how long before the guy leaves or there are major problems in the relationship. The later one makings things unhealthy for both people and does more harm than good.

 

To answer your question the couples I was referring to, first they get married, then later either they stay together, or the woman actually leaves the man when she gets bored of him, and finds a new resuer.

[Batya33]

I'm living proof that nice guys definitely finish last.

 

 

 

I think non-assertive guys, labeled as "nice" finish last at times or end up with women who control them. The problem is with the misinterpretation of non-assertive as "nice." Not saying you are not a genuinely nice person but the "I did everything for her(!) and it got me nowhere" is typically not from niceness but from doormat-ness.

[friscodj]

I'm living proof that nice guys definitely finish last.

 

The race isn't over yet bro...

[sfindependent]

i totally feel this thread.

 

I've been trying to deal with issues myself,basically I've been treated like a doormat, have lowered my pride, and have lost respect. However, I love her too much to leave, especially now that she needs me more than ever.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I think non-assertive guys, labeled as "nice" finish last at times or end up with women who control them. The problem is with the misinterpretation of non-assertive as "nice." Not saying you are not a genuinely nice person but the "I did everything for her(!) and it got me nowhere" is typically not from niceness but from doormat-ness.

 

I second that. Yes, there have been quite a few very insightful threads on this exact topic. Maybe, LIT, you should do a topic search for 'Nice Guy' or just 'Nice', and see what pops up.

[motog]

thats cos there all on here ! stay safe

[Tex1907]

I'm really just with him until I find someone else which is sad but oh well...

 

Not a good idea. That really is not a good way to treat people either. I think he really deserves to know how you feel. Stop dragging him around just because you want someone else and cannot find them. Tell him the truth and take some time off to recover from your break up.

[natalie121687]

I'm just not at the point where I want to break up with him. Whenever we do we always get back together anyways....I just want to learn to be independent first, and then break up with him instead of breaking up with him and then learning to be independent......because it will just be easier that way. And hopefully I will meet another guy soon (even as just a friend) to help me realize I don't need my boyfriend as much as I think I do.

[Dako]

..I just want to learn to be independent first, and then break up with him instead of breaking up with him and then learning to be independent......because it will just be easier that way..

 

Are you serious?

[TheRedQueen]

Perhaps all the good people "out there" are actually not out there, because they are sitting alone at home or in their office, by themselves. A lot of "good" people that I know for some strange reason or another happen to be solitary figures. Then again even solitary figures need to venture out and be social sometimes.

 

I think of the OP's question and I apply it to myself in reverse, meaning that I know I am a "good girl", that I exist and surely I am not the only one, in fact I know 5 single women who are "good girls", add me into the mix, that makes 6, then add the probability that there are thousands more out there, then yes "good girls" do in fact exist. Using this very same logic, I am hoping, that though they may be rare, that "good guys" do in fact exist, but that the true problem lies in finding them, or perhaps them finding you. No stress either way, I'm happy existing alone, for now at least...

[jurupa]

Perhaps all the good people "out there" are actually not out there, because they are sitting alone at home or in their office, by themselves. A lot of "good" people that I know for some strange reason or another happen to be solitary figures. Then again even solitary figures need to venture out and be social sometimes.

I actually agree with you becuase I one of those solitary types. I have been getting out more, but over half my time I am in my house on my computer or watching tv.

 

I'm just not at the point where I want to break up with him. Whenever we do we always get back together anyways....I just want to learn to be independent first, and then break up with him instead of breaking up with him and then learning to be independent......because it will just be easier that way. And hopefully I will meet another guy soon (even as just a friend) to help me realize I don't need my boyfriend as much as I think I do.

The longer you stay with your boyfriend the longer you stay dependent. The only real way to become independent is to not be attached or need the on going assistance of another person or system. I am not saying that you will need such support down the road, but you can't just lean on it all the time.

 

I understand the whole safety net thing, but like I said before, you need to break free and be on your own. Besides getting the help you need for your other problems, you also need to repair your self by your self as well. Becuase there are things that you can only learn and do on your own and you can not use outside help for it.

[Tr0ubledGuy]

I guess it comes down to how you define a 'GOOD' guy. IMHO though I don't think a good guy would get involved with someone who is already

[friscodj]

I'm just not at the point where I want to break up with him. Whenever we do we always get back together anyways....I just want to learn to be independent first, and then break up with him instead of breaking up with him and then learning to be independent......because it will just be easier that way. And hopefully I will meet another guy soon (even as just a friend) to help me realize I don't need my boyfriend as much as I think I do.

 

I've been on ENA for about 9 months and the line-of-thinking in this quote is easily in the top-5 misguided things I have heard on here...

 

I can tell you getting over this is the first step to getting on a better track with relationships. Should you continue on this track, you are on your way to more unhealthy and unfulfilling relationships in the future...which will be harder and harder to get out of the more conditioned you get in this mindset...

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I've been on ENA for about 9 months and the line-of-thinking in this quote is easily in the top-5 misguided things I have heard on here...

 

I can tell you getting over this is the first step to getting on a better track with relationships. Should you continue on this track, you are on your way to more unhealthy and unfulfilling relationships in the future...which will be harder and harder to get out of the more conditioned you get in this mindset...

 

Well give her some suggestions, then, how to get over it and be stronger...sounds like it could be useful!

[TheRedQueen]

I'm gonna have to agree with frisco here, you must be the center and source of your happiness and life. Being truly independent means being okay by yourself, actually it means being better than okay by, and with yourself. Don't expect some guy to be the sole source of your happiness in life, why? because this puts you in a dangerously passive position, one where you are not in control of your own life or your sense of well being. First you must love yourself, and find happiness and meaning in your life by yourself so when that "good guy" finally comes along, both of you can share this vision and supplement each other's already established self-love into a beautiful symphony of synergistic super-love, i.e. two people who not only love themselves, but who also love each other, equals a whole lot of love.

[TheRedQueen]

I'm gonna have to agree with frisco here, you must be the center and source of your happiness and life. Being truly independent means being okay by yourself, actually it means being better than okay by, and with yourself. Don't expect some guy to be the sole source of your happiness in life, why? because this puts you in a dangerously passive position, one where you are not in control of your own life or your sense of well being. First you must love yourself, and find happiness and meaning in your life by yourself so when that "good guy" finally comes along, both of you can share this vision and supplement each other's already established self-love into a beautiful symphony of synergistic super-love, i.e. two people who not only love themselves, but who also love each other, equals a whole lot of love.

Absolutely brilliant! I totally agree.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Brilliant! Agreed.

 

lol! I will have to 'third' that!

[FortunateOne]

Fourth to agree!

[serve_the_people]

Stop looking for a boyfriend. Be friends with guys first. Always start as friend, because then you get the chance to really get to know someone. When you date, people usually put on an impression of what they want people to think of them, and not how they really are. Instead, initiate friendship with as many guys as you possibly can, and then you will know thier real character when they are not trying to impress you.

 

Also, if you have lots of guy friends, even if they don't work out, many of them may know a single friend who is right for you.....

[TheRedQueen]

Good people are like diamonds, found generally not in piles but scattered here and there at odd intervals. You have two great things in your favor: the luxury of time and the wisdom to know a gemstone from an ordinary rock. Consider yourself lucky; many find the luxury gone before the wisdom coalesces.

 

Brilliant, I now officially feel lucky myself