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I need some advice:


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I’ll make this short. I’m 33 and he is 37.

I’ve had a serious relationship with this man for a year and a half.

4 months into our relationship he had to go back to Europe because of his visa issues.

When he left we didn’t know when and if we'd see other again. It was heartbreaking because we totally fell in love.

Anyway, we talked constantly on the phone 2-3 hrs a night daily. Yes, daily. We grew closer and closer.

3 months later he landed a job in the states. He would be living 100 miles away from me. But we thought we could managed this.

He came back here in January, then he had another visa problem. So he had to go back to Europe. We thought it wouldn’t take long to get the situation cleared up.

It took 4 months! It was hell. But he made his way back to me. He has been here since June and things were going so well. We only saw each other on the weekends and recently, we spent a 9 day holiday together.

Friday, he calls to tell me he’s not coming this weekend. I said to him, he could’ve said something earlier in the week.

Then he goes off saying he has been thinking a lot about the future and where “this” is all going.

He said he has fear. Fear of making me unhappy. Fear that he will it up. Fear that I need more.

(Let me add, I’m divorced with 3 children. He loves them and they love him too. )

Also, he said he had fear that if we got married he’d have to stay here in the states and he didn’t think he’d want that.

No, he isn’t perfect. He has his faults, but I love him deeply.

Underneath it all he is a good man.

Let me also add, he has never had a stable girlfriend in his life. He told me that most his relationship lasted only 2 years or shorter. He told me this was the first time in his life he ever thought about settling down.

My question: what the hell happened? Did he get scared? After all the effort we put into this, is it really over?

He moved to a different continent for me. Why is doing this?


Any advice would be appreciated.

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Well, what is it that you want for your future? He is telling you that he has no plans for forever.


Possibly he is scared of what he feels. Maybe he has never truly felt love before for another like this. If you are comfortable keeping it how it is, then keep seeing him. But know, that if he is telling you he has no plans for marriage that is probally what he means.

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It boils down to this: if someone truly wants to be with someone, it should not be this complicated.


Cut him loose. If he comes back to you he's yours. If he doesn't, then he was never yours to begin with.


My dad who was a bus conductor for 21 years said the following: "Never chase after a bus or a man...there's always another one coming"

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Our conversation on Friday ended badly and I haven't heard from him since.

the conversation ended like this:

me: so, this is it?

him: I think so...

me are you doing this? (I'm crying at this point)

him: i gotta go, just let me go now. (he is crying and clearly upset)

me: please... lets not end the conversation like this.

him: I gotta go now...

me: i love you

him: let me go

(this went on for a few more times)

then he hung up. he has never hung up on me. never.

he turn his phone off. I could tell because he's on an internet phone service.

the next day he left his phone on all day. perhaps waiting for me to call?

now, I'm doing the NC. I can't take this up and down emotional roller-coaster.


it's so strange, the weekend before was good. he seemed fine and happy.

sure we had a little fight... nothing huge. he just said something that hurt my feelings and he thought it was a joke.

anyway, there is some more of the story.


by the way, this is a great site! reading stories on this sites has helped me so very much.

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