free b Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 Is it okay to tell only partial truth? I slept with someone other than my bf of almost 2 yrs but feel that I may have subconsciously given myself the up chicken's way fo getting out of a relationship that I didn't have the strength to otherwise. I still love him and care about him, but I'm not sure I want to stay in a committed relationship. I constantly find myself interested in other people and I've successfully repressed it (as well as many major sources of unhappiness within the relationship), yet it chose to come out in a horribly destructive way that night. I feel horrible and know I have to tell him but how much truth is necessary? What if I tell him that I only made out with someone else so he's not as hurt and then explain that my (drunken) decision to cheat is perhaps representative of subconscious feelings/ unhappiness. Is that wrong? Help me!! I'm in emotional/guilt hell hole! Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 tell him everything minus you cheating on him and that you feel that it is time to move on because you dont want to be in a commtted relationsihp any longer. Link to comment
Scout Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 tell him everything minus you cheating on him and that you feel that it is time to move on because you dont want to be in a commtted relationsihp any longer. I agree. Others might not, though. But my perspective is, what positive benefits are there for your boyfriend knowing that you slept with someone else while you two were together? Seriously, I can't think of one. I know telling him might help alleviate some of your guilt. But that's a positive for you, not for him. Link to comment
blender Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 yes, Daywalker is right! Do NOT tell him about the cheating, that is NOT right for him to hear, just so YOU can alleviate your own guilt, you made a CHOICE TO cheat, so you can live with it, do NOT dump this pain onto him, that is NOT fair, as daywalker stated, it's time for you to be mature, honest, and break off this relationship, it is so NOT right for you to cause him anymore pain by saying "I cheated because of "some drunken subconscious unhappiness" Be a decent kind mature person and break off this relationship with a loving goodbye, but do NOT tell him about you "cheating" the "cheating" has NOTHING to do with him, it was YOUR choice/and is YOUR burden to deal with, live with and grow through, NOT his. It is so unfair when you are NOT really committed enough to a relationship yet you choose to stay in it long enough to where you "choose to cheat" drunk or sober, it was a "choice", and it has NOTHING to do with your boyfriend, it's not his fault you did this, whether you are happy with him or not, if you are unhappy, then have the courage and class to break up with him, but do not cause him any FURTHER PAIN BY confessing, so YOU can feel better.. yuk. so lovingly let this guy go, break up with him with the dignity and respect he deserves, and I repeat do NOT tell him about your "cheating, just so you can have "suicide by cop" break up, where you PRETEND to be the good person by "being honest/telling the "truth" to him and then he is so hurt he breaks up with you, just because you don't have the courage and maturity to just break it off on your own. Don't cause him any further pain with this "confession"... You can do this the right way, you can, just lovingly tell him, "you're so sorry, but you're not ready to have a relationship right now, not with anyone, you have some personal work to do for yourself, emotionally, spiritually, and just need to be on your own for awhile." Sure he will be hurt, but at least he will understand, and you can be respectful doing this the right way... YOU must live with your own choice to have cheated, do NOT tell him, he will broken hearted enough when you break up with him, so there is NO GOOD REASON to tell him you cheated, because you want to break up with him anyway. And you should. No "unconscious unhappiness" stories.. c'mon give the guy some respect, and have the self respect to let go with some grace Can you do this, for him, it is the "right" thing/way to do this, don't you agree? Link to comment
Siriana Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 No, just brake up with him, and don't mention the cheating part. You cheated because you needed a push to leave him - but telling him so is cruel! if you tell him that you will hurt him too much. That is not nice thing to do. Live for a while with this feeling you're guilty. It woan't kill you, but the truth could be really awfull for him. Link to comment
free b Posted September 8, 2006 Author Share Posted September 8, 2006 but I wouldn't be breaking up with him right now if i hadn't cheated Link to comment
free b Posted September 8, 2006 Author Share Posted September 8, 2006 he doesn't see it coming at all and I feel like he'll understand better if I tell him I "made out" with someone else. Link to comment
Scout Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 he doesn't see it coming at all and I feel like he'll understand better if I tell him I "made out" with someone else. Trust me, what he doesn't see coming at all is the news you hooked up with someone else. That will floor him and pretty much bring his world crashing around. Why can't you just say part of the truth...that you've tried to hide it, but the fact is, you're finding yourself constantly curious about seeing other people, and you are taking this as a sign that there is something in the relationship that is missing for both of you? Link to comment
blender Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 YOU are not ready to be in a committed mature honest loving relationship if you have made a choice to "cheat" drunk or sober. Beware of your Karma, and do NOT hurt this man by staying with him, or "dumping your guilt" onto HIM... YOU yourself said, "it's some unconscious unhappiness" what kind of explaination is this?, Is it honest? if the answer is yes, then be respectful enough to have the courage and decency to break up with him, gently tell him, YOU are not ready for a long term committed relationship, and think you BOTH should leave your options open and take some time to be on your own.... the truth is, YOU need sometime to grow and get to a place where you would NEVER cheat on someone you supposedly love... your cheating is NOT about him, or your unhappiness. it's about YOU, and the choices you are making... so CHOOSE to be on your own for now, without dragging some innocent guy through your growing up process... that's not fair... it's just not. He does not deserve this kind of situation, your own words, "he does not see this coming".... So I guess he doesn't REALLY KNOW YOU, does he? But he does know himself, and that is probably why he doesn't see this coming, because he would NEVER cheat on you... right? So lovingly let him go...until YOU are ready to be in a loving, mature, honest relationship, where you aren't trying to think of "excuses" for why you cheated, you know why you cheated, because you wanted to, you wanted what you wanted when you wanted it, and there was a guy who you wanted to be with in the moment.. so you did what made YOU feel good in the moment, so now you must live with the regret of this choice, learn from it, and move on, but do NOT do what "feels good in the moment again" by dumping your guilt/confession onto the innocent loving man in your life... that's just as bad as "cheating in the moment because it was easiest to do". there's a pattern here of no "responsiblity" for your own choices... this is up to YOU to fix, not the man in your life.. it's not HIS problem, it's yours. Do not give him this "extra" pain, let him go with some respect. Link to comment
Siriana Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 he doesn't see it, but you cheating woan't bring him any good or make things easier for him. no need to say that to make a brake up real brake up. it's real without that too. Link to comment
free b Posted September 8, 2006 Author Share Posted September 8, 2006 see i almost feel as though it would be easier on him b/c then he'd have a reason to hate me. plus (obviously) using the cheating thing as a "scapegoat" makes the break up easier on me. I know it's selfish, but it really did take this cheating mess up for me to realize that maybe I wasn't happy and I just got good at suppressing it after almost 2 years. AHHH ALMOST 2 YRS ...such a long time to be with someone and then have to break it off. Does no one have pity on me even though I'm a cheater? Link to comment
Anna. Posted September 8, 2006 Share Posted September 8, 2006 I think you should do your original plan and say you just kissed somebody else and it made you think, etc. B/c that way he gets a very "softened" version of the truth. Link to comment
blender Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 I'm sorry you are in this self induced dilemma, and I have one word for you, KARMA, so please be kind, and do NOT tell him you cheated, there is no "good" that will come from this, just be mature enough to break up with him, by telling him, you care for him, but "YOU are not ready to stay in a relationship any longer, and there is nothing wrong with him, but that you think it's best and you hope he can respect it that you need to take some time to be on your own." How can telling him you cheated be "easier for you"???? Why would causing someone more pain be easier for you? What goes around comes around, so be careful with his heart... just have the courage and class to break up with him, that alone is going to be tough enough for him... I just can't get over the fact that you think it's "okay" to hurt him "more". Think this through, I know it's not easy, but at least be graceful and kind enough to break up with him and NOT hurt him with any details.... I hope you have learned a valuable lesson here, and will choose to behave in a more appropriate and fair way, the way you would want someone you love to behave... I wish you the best, blender Link to comment
Rabican Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 ya id have to vote that you tell him the relationship isnt doing it for you anymore... your heart isnt in it. dont tell him about the cheating, if its over its over that will only damage him for the next girl, and cause him undue pain. If you decide to stay with him, then you might want to consider telling him so that he knows what hes dealing with and then leave it up to him to decide to work it out or not. But if you want out, just tell him you want out... dont tell him what you did. Link to comment
Rabican Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 see i almost feel as though it would be easier on him b/c then he'd have a reason to hate me. plus (obviously) using the cheating thing as a "scapegoat" makes the break up easier on me. I know it's selfish, but it really did take this cheating mess up for me to realize that maybe I wasn't happy and I just got good at suppressing it after almost 2 years. AHHH ALMOST 2 YRS ...such a long time to be with someone and then have to break it off. Does no one have pity on me even though I'm a cheater? nope. definitely wont be easier on him... trust me it just wont. Hell always remember you in his mind sleeping with someone else... and maybe wondering if its been ongoing and should he have known about it, why didnt he see it, what did he do wrong, whats wrong with him that you could do that.... definitely dont tell him Link to comment
yeawutever Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 Unless you're planning to stay with him, then you would have to tell him the whole truth about what happened, otherwise you're gonan put both yours and his health at risk. If you're not gonna stay with him and planning to break up, then just tell him that the relation isn't working and don't mention nothing about the cheating part. Why did you cheat by the way??? Link to comment
Siriana Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 see i almost feel as though it would be easier on him b/c then he'd have a reason to hate me. plus (obviously) using the cheating thing as a "scapegoat" makes the break up easier on me. I know it's selfish, but it really did take this cheating mess up for me to realize that maybe I wasn't happy and I just got good at suppressing it after almost 2 years. AHHH ALMOST 2 YRS ...such a long time to be with someone and then have to break it off. Does no one have pity on me even though I'm a cheater? IT IS SELFISH. YOU KNOW IT. STOP BEEING SELFISH AND KEEP THE CHEATING PART TO YOURSELF. Why would I feel sorry for you? You learned a valuable lesson and that is: You need to have guts to brake up with someone when you know things are not working out. It is wrong to wait to long. I learned that lesson too a year ago when I dumped my ex of 2 years. Now you learned it too. Some people never figure that out. Luckly you and I are not one of those people. remember - what you give is what you get - keep quiet about cheating. Link to comment
chai28jm Posted September 9, 2006 Share Posted September 9, 2006 i have pitty on you.. cheating living in teh moment ... hurt the one that love you and you love because of not being faith-ful sucks. but teh truth is you and me and otther cheat kow the result but we take it.. i was player .. for years i have been with other girl that have there man.. i mean girl that love there man. and my purpose was to get with them for that 1 time.. not that i wanted to break them up.. wat i am trying to say is that there guys and women out there .. try to get you in to that one spot . when u become weak.. and even nest of fail some time .. that one ho never cheated got lucky but there were once in that pots but was save by something .. a phone call or even hav eto go some where are even lucky snap out of it.. when soem in that zone and that guy or woman .. know wat they can keep u into it..and that wat cause alot of people to cheat.. i dont that you dont love him but .. you dont know wat you want .. my best bet is you are falling into a bad person get over your lust of dating more than on eperson.. because you are going to be sorry in the end being with aot of guys.. and never find true happiness. i dont how it will be ..but i waste alot time with alot women because i thought the more the better.. but i was wrong.. and i am a guy .. an dwhen i find my wife . i already disappointed that i wont be a virgin for her and she for me.. and i think to my self after the 15 or 30 mins of sex was it worth .. no it wasnt.. becaus eright away i wante dto leave.. and some time i couldnt believe i sleep with soem girl.. i hope u understand wat i am saying.. just be careful of the choice you made.. and dont hurt some because to made you feel better.. if must tell wait till hes over .. then tell him 6 months later that the reason you leave him.. was because you cheat and you thought you dont deserve his love no more. then you will going on your life knowing that he will respect you.. but the guy cheat with will never.. because guy really dont like cheat even if you not cheating on them Link to comment
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