opinion on letter??

[Nikki23]

Hey guys I really wanted someone's opinion on this letter. I was originally sending a different one for closure but I have changed it.

 

I know everyone will tell me not to do this but I am going to send it, it is my last chance. Any comments would be good!! Thanks xx

 

 

Hi ****, (I have been in and changed this letter tonight after speaking with you)

 

I wanted to send you ANOTHER letter (I know), basically because the first one was still clueless. Parts of it were right but I didn't fully understand what went wrong then. Went a bit over the top the other day though! ;o) I suppose it should be enough that I finally understand but felt I owed you too, even though it's a bit embarrassing since it is obvious I was still trying to figure stuff out and still thought about things enough to write this letter. It'll just make me feel better.

 

I decided to look into things and try and improve myself. I was confused, when people asked me 'Why did you two break up, I thought you really loved each other?' All I could say was 'We argued too much and it got out of hand, ***** had enough'. When I tried to think about why we argued so much and why, when I had found someone who I felt such a strong bond to it ended, I came up with so many different conclusions. I was a needy whiner, you had anger problems, we didn't respect each other, and on and on. I failed to see the big picture and that is because I was totally inexperienced. So as much as I missed you I just got on with things, thinking that we weren't meant to be and that when I met someone who was right for me it would all click into place, which I don't think is the case. I'm not saying this to hurt you but I want to be honest (As much as I force myself not to think about it I know you'll have moved on with girls now since you accepted it before me), I kissed a couple of guys which was just daftness and then went on a couple of dates, he was nice but I was still too confused and unsure in everything. I started to think that if I was ever to be in another relationship I had to learn how ours destructed. I started realising why and was quite shocked and saddened to see where we had gone wrong. I know it wasn't all my fault but I now know how difficult it must have been to be with me when I had no experience in a relationship and was quite immature.

 

I hadn't grown enough as a person to make you happy and I was holding you back in the end. At the start we were in love so spent loads of time together, always prioritised each other, got jealous and couldn't get enough but I didn't realise that things can't go on that way. We were at different stages in life and we weren't in a healthy relationship where you grow together, adapt, compromise and want what makes the other person happy. I didn't have any long term goals. I floated along and defined myself by our relationship, that's why I took the ending so hard because my whole world literally fell down. I was weak, needy, clingy, unreasonable, a nag and became very resentful. I didn't know how to communicate properly and mistook nagging for letting you know how I felt. If you wanted to bloody go out and take up something new or develop yourself why couldn't I just have been sincerely generous with my love and encouraged you. I suppose your first relationship is a learning curve, you see what you have to do, how to make yourself stronger and how never to make the same mistakes again.

 

Since the emotional stuff was difficult to talk about, I know you waited until you were ready to explode before bringing them up. I now see that meant you had no control over what you said or did and why things got so badly out of hand, but this meant I didn't listen to you. I know that all the stress and frustration you were dealing with at work and all the new things happening in your life meant that you weren't equipped to deal with the situation as best you could either.

 

I know that the way that you were brought up meant you put up a barrier to love and affection sometimes, you had been let down by people who were meant to love you so decided that you wouldn't let people close. I think sometimes you had quite a cold, defensive attitude because of this and I didn't bring the positivity into your life that you needed and feel like I let you down as well.

 

I feel like I didn't listen to you properly, didn't fully get to understand your world, how you were feeling, what you wanted from me, I feel bad about that. I didn't encourage communication, but you were never forthcoming either. I know you felt like I wouldn't understand and I wouldn't have, I would have been defensive and not REALLY listened to you, even though I thought I had. We just resented each other none stop, like a vicious cycle. You didn't want to spend time with me because you weren't happy and I got more and more resentful of that, not realising that you weren't happy. I do know you very well but I want the chance to prove that I love you and want to know everything about you. I could scream looking back!

 

I know the reason that you couldn't be fully intimate with me was because you didn't trust me and that's because I didn't listen to you fully, I thought I was but I didn't take the time to really know what you wanted. You weren't going to open up to me when there wasn't trust and I think I am right in saying that's why you found communicating with me so difficult. I realise that the way you acted and the views and opinions you had were due to different life experiences, I knew this at the time. And you were right when you said that I had a silver spoon (although it was not said in the right way so I didn't listen), I have been fortunate and I did need to stand on my own two feet more. The differences in our upbringings didn't mean we weren't compatible, it just meant that we (mostly me) had to understand where the other person was coming from more and understand the world they inhabit, I now know that is how to love someone fully.

 

I was also wrong with my mum. I didn't have a backbone then and was so confused that I couldn't see straight. If I had realised what our problems were I would have been able to state clearly to her what was wrong with us and that I loved you and wanted to work it out. She never disliked you as a person, she just was wary because I wasn't happy.

 

In your job and especially when you lost it, you needed me to be strong, support you, adapt and let you do what you had to do with encouragement and I acted badly. I wasn't conscious of it because I was clueless and clingy but that was wrong, I just couldn't see clearly, we were stuck in such bad habits.

 

I really wish we had done more things together and experienced new things but I suppose that wasn't going to happen when it was unhappy anyway. And I really wish that when I came back from India we had done some research together and worked through things instead of jumping back into a destructive relationship that hadn't been fixed. Why did you not attempt to have a talk? I hadn't learned anything from that break up.

 

To finish up, I know our relationship ended because we had NO communication, didn't understand each other properly or say what we both wanted. I wish you hadn't been my first relationship and I could have practised on someone else and met you at this point in my life when it could have worked. Everything happens for a reason though and I feel that I've grown and am so much stronger with my new wee life, my job when I start (made a 5 year plan last week which I'm quite proud of), doing my driving test this week and getting a car when I sell my flat. Going to ***** brothers to finally get my portfolio done for the agency and met some really nice new friends. Will also be a fluent french speaker soon with the help of my trusty tape! Ha ha. Also, shock horror! Got off my lazy * * * and been doing loads of fitness with my ipod, got a wee routine going, gym and jogging and swimming. Sooo understand why that was important to you now. Will never be in the position again where my life revolves around my relationship.

 

We really do have some sweet memories to look back on though, little pet names and laughs, like you making faces to scare me and when you used to go in those wee funny moods at night and have that sense of humour that I loved (still piss myself when I think about it). The teasing and winding each other up and the little sayings and in jokes. The closeness we had at times when everything else used to fall into the background and the way you helped me overcome my insecurities and let my guard down. You always had my back and I'll always be thankful I met you.

 

(I have added this bit in.) When we spoke tonight I thought that I was doing this for closure and the more I think about it I've realised I'm not, I don't want to manipulate you or play games. This may be a mistake to put my heart on the line like this but I need to do it and don't want to cower away from it. I realise this is out of the blue for you but I've only just realised I want you back myself. It took time to get everything straight in my head and I know everyone tells you you should let go and meet someone new and apply what you've learnt to them but I don't want to. It's like you breaking up with me forced me to be independent and to grow. I know you say you have moved on but I want to try again. I am in a position to do that now. We didn't clash as people, it was the reasons I talked about. I know you were turned off by my weakness and other things I have mentioned at the time but that was my first relationship and I didn't have a clue. I know you loved me, I could see it in your eyes all the time. And when we broke up or when you realised it wasn't going to work before India the look in your eyes and your tears makes me so sad because I just didn't have it in me to make things work and be sensible, you had the weight of the relationship on your shoulders. I do now and I feel like I've matured and learned so much that I have it in me to love you.

 

I understand why you backed off when you called the month after we broke up to try again, it's because my head was still firmly up my own * * * * and you realised nothing had changed. I know you will be worried about trying again and feel that it is a step backward since you've come so far and managed but give it some thought because it WOULD be a new start and a happy one. If you decide you disagree with what I've written and you don't want to, just be straight with me.

 

Love Nikki xx

[ElektraHere]

Thats a great letter for YOU! I would suggest you NOT send it. Burn, throw it away, put it in a shoebox in your closet. The funny thing about closure is that it can't happen until you set in your mind and heart that it is over. It doesn't matter how many times you write that person they will still feel the way they felt. Plus once you send the letter you will wonder...did they read it? how did they react? etc.

 

My advice is you have written your closure, dont send the letter, and move ahead with your future.

[Nikki23]

He said that he misses me and thinks about me and this is confusing him that I am sending a letter. I know what you're saying and I may be delusional, but there's nothing else I can write after this, this will be it!

[trident]

I wouldn't send that letter. Period.

 

Writing stuff like this is good for one self since it forces you to organize your thoughts. It is highly unlikely, however, that it will precipitate a change in the relationship. If anything, it may slam a door.

 

All I know is that I wrote one & stuffed it away in a drawer. It would have slammed a door that I couldn't bear to close. Instead, I chose to try and respect the ex's reasons for ending it and to leave them be. I failed in that endeavour several times, but otherwise tried to limit contact.

 

8 months have passed and I have realized that all you can do is try and do your best and try to have some confidence that life will work out. I can say that since my break up, I've had the opportunity to meet others. Just recently, the ex and I started communicating again. What will happen with them or someone else? Dunno. We'll see.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hi Nikki

 

Agree with all the others above - great letter, for YOU. It's really something for your journal, but don't send it. I think you'll regret it, because if there is no response that's going to hurt. And - I think a 'no response' is quite likely, sorry.

 

Also - don't take this the wrong way - but it's very long. Is there any chance of meeting him/calling him to say this face to face? If not, then I wouldn't send it. But it's a great letter.

 

Good luck

[kimmie11479]

I would not send the letter. Print 2 save one just incase you to ever get back together or become friends and burn the crap out of the other. Or maybe in a few months send it to him. But not right now.

[kimmie11479]

who knows in a few months you might feel differently and never send it at all.

[Gator]

Beautiful letter there, very nicely written. I don't know your situation as well as you do, so I don't want to tell you one way or the other to send it.

 

I think the question that you have to ask yourself is, if I send this and he doesn't even acknowledge it, will I be 100% OK with that? (This is a very tough one).

 

I wrote a letter to my ex, search my threads and you can find it. Mine was different in yours that I didn't ask to get back together with her (I already made that mistake on the phone when she told me she was dating someone else, oh the mistakes I made). It was more things that I wanted to tell her for closure for myself. She did not respond, and I decided that was an acceptable option prior to sending it. However, I would have definitely preferred some kind of response. Even though I was prepared for that, it still kind of stung me.

 

I will tell you that after sending it, I did begin on my road to closure. I decided then that I would take her out of my life (even though paradoxically I wanted some kind of response to my letter). I did remove her from my cell phone and began to not allow myself to think about her with someone else (this is another tough one for me). I also went on a date about a week later.

 

I think it is unrealisitic in most cases to think that a letter or a phone call or a perfect combination of the right words will bring your ex back. Much has been written on these boards about this subject, so I don't want to duplicate the excellent advice already present. Check posts by blender, superdave, majord for following your head and not your heart.

 

Either way, I wish you luck and keep us updated.

[blender]

Nikki, this letter is for YOU, not for HIM.. do NOT send it. Read it again in a week, and see how you feel. Then, write another draft, but do NOT send it, wait a few days and read that one again.

 

There is no "emergency" when dealing with an authentic love, so do not "re-act" to your desperate "feelings" right now, instead choose to live within the "facts", he has made a choice to need space right now, respect yourself enough to "let go" for now.

 

Sending a letter, actually will only "re-open" your hope, although you are fooling yourself to think of it as "closure", you will be secretly hoping for a response, and you MIGHT get one, but it will NOT be any version of what you think you can handle emotionally right now, so do not put your heart at risk like this..

 

just wait, re-read what you have written, let the ebb and flow of "feelings" take thier course, and stick with the "facts". I promise you, if you wait a few days and re-read this letter you will be grateful that you did not send it.... let us know how you are doing... hang in there, and for today, just for today, let him go... trust me, he will be forced to "think and wonder" about you if he does NOT hear from you. By sending a letter, he will only "roll his eyes" so have the self respect to wait it out just a few more days and RE-THINK this...

 

YOU are at stake here now, not HIM... take care of YOU.... and write, write, write down all your feelings, but do NOT send any of them for today.. okay? Best, Blender

[Nikki23]

Well I have come on here to late and have sent it!! God, I know it's going to destroy me and I'm not going to like the response! Dear me, I really wish I had come on here first! I'm going to meltdown! Crying right now cause I know he's not gonna wanna go backwards...... * * * *!!!!! Thanks though for your advice guys, just wish I'd read it sooner!!!! xx

[blender]

Don't worry about it, it's okay, sometimes it's just part of the process, you can now feel you've done what you thought would be best for you by sending the letter, so let go of it, it's done, it's okay, and NOW you can start "no contact". You may have a few rough weeks, waiting for a response, and the fact is you might not get one, and that's okay, just leave it alone, and do not contact him again. Have an emotional plan for yourself, just know that you are going to be anxious, sad, but you will survive these feelings... just feel them, breathe and know that this too shall pass... Do NOT contact him again, leave this be for now. You will get through this "loss" and YOUR HAPPINESS is NOT dependent on this man. (although I know you "feel" like it is, the "fact" is, you are going to survive this and eventually thrive)