Dating After a Breakup -or- It's Raining Men

[finewhine]

So, any words of advice for someone who has just started dating agan after a breakup?

 

My shortened story: broke up with ex of 3.5 years almost four months ago. Been over it for about a month. Started dating again two weeks ago.

 

I don't want or expect much out of the guys I'm dating. I don't want a relationship. So here's the weird part - men are coming out of the woodwork. Eligible, cute, interesting men are pursuing me. For the first time in my life, I feel like a catch.

 

And yet, I feel a bit weird about the whole thing because I have never technically dated before. Been in relationships, yes, but dated around, no. I've never dated more than one guy at once and I've never been so uninterested in being in a relationship. On the other hand, I love going out with cute, interesting guys and am having a pretty great time.

 

I guess my question is, how much of this is them or me and how much of it is a breakup hangover? Sorry if my question is vague. I'm just wondering if I seem appealing because I'm not interested in a relationship. I would appreciate some input from those who have been there.

[annie24]

yeah, for some reason, whenever you are not interested in a relationship - men everywhere! the second you want a relationship.... crickets.

 

well... keep on doing whatever it is that you are doing! (which is probably nothing, lol).

 

enjoy and have fun!

[finewhine]

Your assessment is pessimistic, but probably spot on. I am not looking forward to the time when I'm ready to be in another relationship! Hehehe, crickets.

[annie24]

ah, it's not meant to be pessimistic. It's just been my experience that us women put out a lot of 'vibes.' when we are interested in a relationship, we put out the "I'm looking for a husband/house/kids" vibe which can scare off a lot of good men!

 

When we are uninterested, the vibe is more, "hey - i'm just wanting to have fun, not looking for anything serious, just want to focus on myself." then the guys spend their time trying to figure out how to get you to settle down!

 

*sigh*

[jazzgirrl]

Annie...lots of crickets where I live! HAHAHA!!!!

[Scout]

yeah, for some reason, whenever you are not interested in a relationship - men everywhere!

 

The reason is that desperation is a huge turn off and very easily sensed by others. So, when you're desperate...nada a guy in sight. When you're not...the "you" in you really shines and draws 'em in.

[tobetterdays]

finewhine, i now find myself in a very similiar situation--post 2 months after my devastating break up..

my ego and self esteem was crushed after my girl of 3.5 years left me basically for another guy--never to talk to me again. i grieved hardcore for a month then started forcing myself to go out and meet people.

i started realizing girls were interested in me, and have been kinda dating 2 girls right now. it has been very exciting because i have realized that there are SO many other girls out there.

 

while it can very well be a relationship hangover, i say if you are having fun, keep at it.. for me, it has helped immensely. i am having fun, being social, and actually enjoying single life--something i never thought i would say.

of course i have my moments where i think of my ex, compare girls to ex, but i have made remarkable progress since i forced myself to meet new people.

good for you.

[finewhine]

Tobetterdays - good for you, too!

 

I have a cricket hanging right outside my window waiting to come in the minute I'm interested in a relationship again. He's giving me a funny look.

 

I'm not above comparing these guys to my ex. Not negatively, but I still do. I imagine it's inevitable, eh? I mean, you go out with someone for so long, they become imprinted on your understanding of the opposite sex.

 

Annie and Scout - are we saying that men smell can smell a desire for commitment? Is the "you" looking for a man different from the "you you?"

 

This is all very interesting to me. Also, single life kinda rules.

[joyce1412]

it sounds like you might be ready to date, especially since you're not expecting much out of it. i was expecting a lot when i started dating and when the guys let me down i just wanted my ex that much more. compared them to him a lot, too. ugh. horrible time. but it sounds like you have a better perspective on things.

 

i also agree with the others about guys being able to sniff out desperation. i think the only guy i've come accross who wasn't into by games and playing hard-to-get was my ex. sad, right? my guess is you're probably just playing it cool, and the fact that you're dating several guys means you can't possibly get too invested in any one guy. you have your own life with many things to do and many male prospects. every guy likes a challenging woman.

[tylercdurden2004]

the second you want a relationship.... crickets.

 

 

 

Crickets might not be a bad idea!

 

I mean they're probably good listeners (wont try to give you advice or "fix" your problems).

 

They will never leave dirty dishes or clothes about.

 

They can make you scream.

 

They'll never bug (no pun inteded) for sex.

 

You'll never have problems with them not liking their inlaws.

 

Wont get jealous when you ignore them while talking to another.

 

The list is endless look at all the potential benefits. A womans best friend.

[finewhine]

Three cheers for crickets! I will welcome mine when it finally comes in.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I've always been in steady relationships too. Tried dating the two guys at once thing and that didn't feel right too me. Sure the attention was nice..but it was also too much hassle and I kept mixing up their names!

 

 

One time I tried dating two guys at once both named "Chris". And their voices were really similar too. It was really a hassle when they called, because I honestly didn't know which one it was (didn't have caller ID then). So I'd have to devise these little 'inside jokes' with each. Then I'd bring it up...if he didn't respond I knew I had the other Chris....But on the bright side, they didn't have different names, so I never accidentally called one by the wrong name

 

Any way OP, it sounds like you're ready to move on. I think it's healthy to do so as long as you feel ready. Go out...have fun! No reason not to.

 

...Chirp, chirp, swat....

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

Crickets might not be a bad idea!

 

I mean they're probably good listeners (wont try to give you advice or "fix" your problems).

 

They will never leave dirty dishes or clothes about.

 

They can make you scream.

 

They'll never bug (no pun inteded) for sex.

 

You'll never have problems with them not liking their inlaws.

 

Wont get jealous when you ignore them while talking to another.

 

The list is endless look at all the potential benefits. A womans best friend.

 

Hey wait a minute, I think Teddy Bears works even better!

[tylercdurden2004]

I thought girls were good at multi tasking! Hmm guess I was wrong.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I thought girls were good at multi tasking! Hmm guess I was wrong.

 

Hey now I thought I handled it pretty well. You know you have to give me an E for effort!

[finewhine]

I give you an E for effort! I also prefer bears to crickets.

 

I hope I don't get anyone mixed up, although I've only been on a few dates thus far with differently-named guys. I *think* I can multitask. We'll see, I guess.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I give you an E for effort! I also prefer bears to crickets.

 

I hope I don't get anyone mixed up, although I've only been on a few dates thus far with differently-named guys. I *think* I can multitask. We'll see, I guess.

 

I think you can multitask, too. Afterall we don't have to swear our undying love to the first man that looks at us right?

 

Teddybears are best! We're cuddly and fluffy.

[chattymcchatterson]

I like to refer to the phenonmenon as the post breakup buffett. All kinds of men to choose from. I agree there is a vibe out there, people can tell that you are lowkey and are not going to rush or push for a committment.

 

To keep things on the up and up, after my last breakup a bunch of years ago, I put into place a 2 date rule. If after 2 dates, I thought the guy was getting too interested, I stopped going out with him. I wasnt in a position for committment and I didnt want to hurt anyone else by leading them on and not looking for anything like long term. It was very important to me because people hear you say I am not interested in anything serious and still fall for the other person hoping to change their mind. It was my way of dating and having fun without hurting anyone in the process

[finewhine]

"The Post-Breakup Buffet" - classic! Seems pretty accurate, too.

 

The two-date rule sounds good to me, but I haven't really had the problem of anyone becoming too interested yet. We'll see what happens, I guess.

[Donster]

I'm giong into my post-breakup world with eyes wide open...but looking only for new friends, not for a new relationship. Being gay, things are slightly different--other men can be both friends and love interests, whereas women are strictly for friendship. For straight folks, the difference between friends and potential dates is more clearly delineated.

 

But you should definitely enjoy your single life! And enjoy the buffet!