7 years falling apart?

[annie24]

what if things aren't alright? then what?

[RayKay]

Honestly, I just get the impression or the thought he is kinda "used" to things, but is not really happy with them...it may not be necessarily there is something amiss with YOU, but rather he is feeling a bit restless, in terms of what does life hold for him, and is this what it is?

 

It's not uncommon when a couple gets together very young that there is this period where one or both partners start to look at a longer term perspective than the rather "here and now" one youth tends to lend itself too.

 

When someone feels "obligated" it generally is indicating their heart is really not in it anymore...even if they are not really prepared to see it or admit it yet.

 

I honestly think you just need to give him space...you can't really force him to feel a certain way, and at this point he does know whom you are..you can't convince him (at least not in a believable way) you are something different, you know? And you shouldn't have too, that in itself is rather unhealthy...

 

Good luck,

 

Rachel

[xmrth]

I think that's what's going on, too. I feel afraid to give him space because I'm sure he'd love it and it would just reaffirm he can't stand me instead of getting the distance to bring him in closer again and wanting us together. Because I think things got so far that it can't be like that.

 

I feel like I'm just going to lose him either way, like a lose/lose situation. But I don't wholeheartedly believe it... because when we're together things seem fine. But then again, they don't just knowing what he's said when we're not together. But I feel like us being together is where it counts for the direction things will turn to as well.. we'll see... I certainly hope everything will be okay, more than anything

[Momene]

You are (understandably) scared of splitting. You've spent 7 years of your life with one person. You cannot (understandably again!) imagine a life without him, either alone or with someone else.

 

In the past, you've said that him going out and you not being able to go because you were under-age was a problem. Unfortunately for you, now you can go with him, it hasn't solved the problem.

 

For various reasons that may not even be his fault, he is drifting away from you and you don't like it. People who drift apart can drift back together but it's not a done deal.

 

You have tried to negotiate with him to balance the relationship to be more on your terms but he seems to want to dictate everything himself. This is selfish of him.

 

I think you need to start preparing yourself for a life without him. It will be hard but you WILL get over him, as many people, including me, have got over broken relationships and moved on to better things.

[xmrth]

Yeah the problem has been solved-- I'm not invited by his relatives to go to a family party, and neither is his sister's boyfriend. The thing with that is he doesn't care or mind that I won't be there, and that's just everything else.

[annie24]

Yeah the problem has been solved-- I'm not invited by his relatives to go to a family party, and neither is his sister's boyfriend. The thing with that is he doesn't care or mind that I won't be there, and that's just everything else.

 

are you being sarcastic about 'problem solved?'

[xmrth]

No, taking me out isn't an issue any longer. That family anniversary celebration is just an insignificant part of what's going on. I'm almost positive he said to me he doesn't want me to go if he could even take me, but I'm not even worried about it anymore. It's not like this grand time I'll be missing out on, but when he said that it really hurt. He doesn't know why I was upset about it. I think his relatives should consider me family after 7 years. They don't really know me though so I try to understand, but still, 7 years isn't like... "nothing."

[melrich]

Yeah they definitely should. Personally I think it's very strange you are not invited to family things. You have met them all haven't you? They know you guys have been together for 7 years?

[annie24]

honey, I think your standards have dropped way way way too low.

 

if you have been with someone for 7 years, you should be practically family. and if your boyfriend's family hasn't invited you, he should be telling them that you as his long-term girlfriend should be invited!!!

 

You know, it's ok to be upset and not be ok with being mistreated.

 

No, it is not a grand time you will be missing out on. I'm sure it will be horribly boring, but that's not what this is about. It doesn't seem like he is trying to include you in his life. before, it was the "you're under 21" excuse, now he is excluding you in other ways....

 

if I were you, I would really think about leaving him....

[xmrth]

I'll be honest, I really don't know them. I've met them all maybe a couple of times ever, but it bothers me just because of how long it's been. I feel left out, like I'm unimportant-- that kind of feeling.

[xmrth]

He doesn't really have a say in it because it was planned months ago and is a surprise. It's like a wedding (but not a wedding) where only so many people are counted for, like his family is x amount. He literally just found out, but the problem is he doesn't see why it matters because it's not a big deal. It's not but yeah it is just because, I agree.

[annie24]

I'll be honest, I really don't know them. I've met them all maybe a couple of times ever, but it bothers me just because of how long it's been. I feel left out, like I'm unimportant-- that kind of feeling.

 

I'm less concerned about whether his aunt Gloria or Cousin Ned think you should be at a family function, than about his response. i would hope that after 7 years my boyfriend would make his family include me in their functions. or even if he couldn't make them for whatever reason, I would at least like to think that my boyfriend is "on my side."

 

when you said he didn't want you there, OUCH! he doesn't sound like he is on your side.... and that is such an important quality in a partner.

[melrich]

I really don't know them. I've met them all maybe a couple of times ever

 

Your relationship with your b/f is so completely alien to me. I have to stop every time I respond to your posts and tell myself "Well maybe this is how some relationships are."

 

I get that you are not happy with where your b/f is at at the moment but he has compartmentalised you into such a fixed little part of his life for so long now, run this relationship on his terms for so long, that I just cannot think of a way for you to break this nexus other than what I have suggested before.

[annie24]

He doesn't really have a say in it because it was planned months ago and is a surprise. It's like a wedding (but not a wedding) where only so many people are counted for, like his family is x amount. He literally just found out, but the problem is he doesn't see why it matters because it's not a big deal. It's not but yeah it is just because, I agree.

 

really? he couldn't just call them and ask for one more place setting for you?

[xmrth]

Yeah I don't feel like he's on my side in a lot of things anymore. I just aggravate the hell out of him but I don't know if it's that or if it's just how he feels towards me regardless. I don't know if he can do that (have me added on). He said he supposedly can't, and I told him he said he could but wouldn't and says he never said that. I really think he just meant he doesn't care if he could. I don't know the full situation or how these things go though. I figure for something planned months ago then it's set like this but I have no idea personally.

This is really the last of my concerns right now though.

[annie24]

Yeah I don't feel like he's on my side in a lot of things anymore. I just aggravate the hell out of him but I don't know if it's that or if it's just how he feels towards me regardless. I don't know if he can do that (have me added on). He said he supposedly can't, and I told him he said he could but wouldn't and says he never said that. I really think he just meant he doesn't care if he could. I don't know the full situation or how these things go though. I figure for something planned months ago then it's set like this but I have no idea personally.

This is really the last of my concerns right now though.

 

well... it's not just this one time.... if your relationship was fine otherwise and you didn't get this one invite to this "very exclusive family event", then whatever. but it's like melrich said, he has been controlling the relationship, keeping you compartmentalized.... it just doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship. And like i said and you know.... you should feel like your boyfriend is "on your side" and is looking out for you, not looking to keep you out.

[annie24]

just a question.... what do your parents and friends think of your relationship with your boyfriend?

[xmrth]

My friends think we're going to get married and that everything's great. Probably because their problems are 10 times worse, the things they deal with that I'd be like see you later to.

My parents think we're fine and don't have a problem. I don't really talk to them about anything anymore, though. They just see he comes over whenever he can and when he can't I'm with him, otherwise they're not going to see anything out of the ordinary. Maybe when that thing comes up but who knows.

[Momene]

One further thought: have you 2 been on holiday this year?

 

If you're worried about splitting up,, please see my "Recent Break-Ups" post and if you're even half as pretty as you are in the photo, you'll have plenty of beholders!

[annie24]

hey martha - how are things going for you?

[xmrth]

Things are going okay. Most of the same