i feel sick......how can i move past this betrayal?

[locolady]

A year ago my boyfriend of 4 years cheated on me....it has left me utterly devastated and i just dont seem to be moving on.

 

I feel so sick at the thought of him with someone else, it makes me feel reduced to a piece of meat and i cannot stop picturing it. The physical trust i had placed in him has been torn apart and i dont know how i can recover from this.

 

I am 22, as a teenager i made a conscious decision to be very careful who i shared intimacy with - it is very important to me. I feel now that he has exposed me to all the risks of sleeping around, he has robbed me of the choice i made to respect and care for my body. (he lied about the cheating and i found out later through a friend) i feel disgusting and filthy in myself now - i could have been infected with anything.

 

The worst thing is that he didnt have the courage to tell me himself and continued to be with me after it happened. He made a fool of me and now i feel that i cannot judge people very well - the friendship that he and i shared was incredible and im so gutted that it wasnt enough - i wonder what will ever be enough?

 

I cant be with anyone else because i have become obsessed with germs and being infected - im so terrified that if he could do this to me, everyone else will. I know so many people who sleep around, how will i ever find a guy who hasnt? I feel that its already too late for me to ever be happy again. Every face i see i imagine it swarming with disease. I trusted my ex with my body and he abused that. Please help me to move on. It has been a year now and i still feel so disgusting.

[Goldfish6888]

Hi Locolady

 

I'm sorry to hear your b/f didn't respect you and you had to find out about his infidelity the hard way. Why don't you go to your local doctor and get yourself checked out - just to reassure yourself that you are physically fine.

I'm sure you will be, but that will give you peace of mind to help you move on and be less worried.

 

I know you feel dirty and betrayed but just remember you have done nothing wrong here. Don't feel like he has made a FOOL of you, he has made a FOOL of himself! Your b/f is the one that has totally betrayed your trust and respect.

 

I've just come out of a relationship, where my b/f was sleeping with multiple girls. I was able to deal with this better and get over it quicker than my first b/f who also cheated on me. I guess because I'm not going to let him stop me healing, or make me lose my faith that someone v. special will come along who will love me and not even THINK about anyone else.

 

Don't let this bad experience affect you into the future. You will meet someone else who will truly love you and your love will be more than enough. In the meantime, just concentrate on you and getting back to your sense of self. You feel dirty and that every other guy is dirty because of this betrayal. This has coloured your vision. But not everyone is like your ex. Trust that.

 

When I split with my b/f of 5 years, it did take me some time to trust in other men.....even to fancy someone! I just didn't want to know men! This is a natural healing process. It takes time. Just don't feel guilty for anything. You did nothing WRONG and you deserve better next time.

[flower99]

First I want to say I am so sorry for the hurt you feel

I don't know if i can help at all, but one thing that crosses my mind is

"what you think grows". the more you think on it, the more it grows & eats you up. What comes to mind, you have no control over, But what you think of you do have control over. Try to change those thaught patterns. Let the past be the past. You are 22 you have an entire life ahead of you.

 

You say you could have been infected...SO TRUE. BUT you weren't thank God! Choose to be thankful for all you have & your health. It's not to late to be happy, but don't wait for something or someone to make you happy...you have the power within you. EVERY DAY IS A NEW DAY!

[friscodj]

I cant be with anyone else because i have become obsessed with germs and being infected - im so terrified that if he could do this to me, everyone else will. I know so many people who sleep around, how will i ever find a guy who hasnt? I feel that its already too late for me to ever be happy again. Every face i see i imagine it swarming with disease. I trusted my ex with my body and he abused that. Please help me to move on. It has been a year now and i still feel so disgusting.

 

Hey locolady-

 

A lot of what you wrote here tells me you might have some kind of obsessive compulsive thing going on. This just doesn't sound normal to me. "Every face you see you imagine it swarming with disease?" That isn't normal..."terrified of germs"...same thing...

 

This just doesn't sound normal to me. Are you in school? Do you have access to a professional you could maybe meet with once and talk about this? Give it a while to pass and if it doesn't, I'd see someone...

 

I just don't want to see this interfering with future relationships or worse yet, popping up in the middle of a relationship....

[chai714]

Loco,

 

Sorry to hear about your past situation. Nobody deserves to be cheated on, ever.

 

Regarding how you feel - the first step in clearing your conscience would be to get tested for any sexually transmitted infections. Once tested, you would definitely know whether or not you had something. This would alleviate some of your fears or feeling dirty.

 

Secondly, please know that not every guy is like your ex. There are some people who will cheat and some that will not. Just like when driving your car - you might get into an accident, you might not. If you think about it, you take a chance everyday of your life.

 

As far as relationships go - perhaps dating a guy for a while longer before accepting him as your boyfriend could help in the future. But remember, by default it's wise to give anyone new you're dating, the benefit of the doubt. This means that by default, you ought to trust people. You can still exercise caution while giving someone your trust.

 

Good luck.

[yeawutever]

I'm terribly sorry this has happened to you. If my b/f did that, I would disappear right away with (and if he asks, then I''ll tell him so and show him the door) and my mother would be the first to know it. But yea, just remember that not everyone is like that, what may be valuable to some may not for others. In that case you should get tested right away and please don't tell me you're still with him b/c on your post you made it sound like you're with him, are you or is he now your ex????

[craign]

Hey i was married and found out the person i was going to spend the rest of my life with decided she didnt want that.Instead of tellimg me verbally she told me by cheating.I spent alot of time drinking and feeling totally sorry for myself when she was going on and living her life.I let her live in my head everyday for a little over a year.Why was she there that long.Imaturity on my part.I felt like she was what completed me.That was my problem.In order for a relationship to work out,I have found i have to be complete first by myself.Then i can try a relationship.I made her my GOD.My everything.Why?Why would i make and depend so much on a person.I was happy with myself.I spent so much time obsessing that i could not move on.I HAD to get out be around other people and enjoy life.I promise you one day when you start loving yourself you will ask yourself like i did,"WHY DID I WASTE ALL THAT TIME ON SOMEONE THAT COULD GIVE A RATS ---ABOUT ME."You are going to be ok.Im 32 is my life over ummmmm no.Go to a clinic if you have one.Why did you not go asap.Hey love yourself.

[locolady]

hi thanks for your replies....

 

No im definitely not still with him - the realtionship ended a year ago - theres no way i;d stay with a cheat. although ive been so miserable since!

 

I have thought about going to see someone about this because it doesnt seem quite normal! and i also dont want it to continue to be a problem. It just does seem that every other person will do this - no-one seems to care about fidelity, sexual health or anything - i just feel so alone and lost.

 

I have no hope for the future because the relationship i had with my ex was something so special - people have said here to take it slowly, to build up trust but if i tell you how our relationship began you wouldnt be able to imagine anything more ideal. We dated for ages and ages, he took me to the theatre, out for dinner, we went to festivals, we had so much fun.....we did it all the old fashioned way - we built up this incredible frienship over about 10 months before we finally slept together.....we interested each other, we loved being together and yet had our own lives too - we did everything right. It was perfect. Things went wrong in the end obviously but i just dont see how i could have been more sure. If even that went wrong - he humiliated and hurt me after all of that - nothing will ever work for me. I just cant believe he turned out to be like every other b*****d. i loved him, i thought he was different. If i meant nothing even to him after evertything we shared - i just cant go on like this.

[Goldfish6888]

You will find something special again. Honestly believe that from one who has loved and lost. You went into this with 100% honesty and you let yourself be vulnerable and fall in love - that takes courage and took time to get to know him. Looking back we tend to idealise things and look at them in rose tinted glasses. Maybe there were signs you chose not to see in the first rushes of love?

 

My last relationship was like you say, ideal and everything was picture perfect and textbook - but at the end of the day, underneath it was just a facade, he had another g/f at home in the US and a couple of others on the go besides me - so it wasn't really that ideal at all. It appeared to be ideal.

It was a farce.

 

He took the cowards way out, by cheating. I'm sure he did love you, but some people just are too selfish to be a relationship. They don't deserve to be with a giving and loving person. You trusted and you were let down. A good way to try and view this is - Is there something you can learn from this? Is there any way you can take something positive from your experiences?

 

I like to believe relationships don't work out for a reason - we live, we learn. Generally break-ups make you a stronger and better person. You know what to look out for next time. On the positive side, you are really young and have a lot of living to do! You have lots of people to meet and find a real ideal love...just have faith.....it will happen.

[JoeWho]

I just recently had a ten year relationship end only learning at the end that I was betrayed. Of course I suspected it towards the end and when I asked her about it she looked me in the eye and flat out lied to me several times. This was someone very special to me, we had shared everything together over the years. I would have trusted her with my life. So I know exactly how you are feeling, but you cant assume everyone is like your ex. It is overwhelming at times how someone can betray you like that but you have to move on and know that while you were wrong about that person you cant condem a new person for your ex's mistakes.

 

 

Not every guy will cheat on you. There are many guys out there who would never cheat. It is a matter of principals and many people unfortunatley do not have them, but many do. In my ten years with this girl I never cheated or even took a girls phone number. Dont give up!!!!

[Rabican]

go to a doctor and get yourself tested for stds... that will eliminate your fear of what you may have caught.

 

Then, when you do decide to be with anyone again, practice safe sex, and tell them that you are very concerned with sexual health, and that you would REALLY appreciate it if they would go and get tested before you are intimate.