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Please help me.. please respond, I really need some wise advise!


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Hi all.... Im really really in a big bad messy situation.

 

Ive been with my boyfriend for a month or so now and we have liked eachother for awhile now. It has been a good month, I find him to be sweet and really caring, however I would love it if he acted alittle more his age (he is alittle immature for a 24 yr old).

 

Anyway my ex who I had my first real relationship with doesnt know about my boyfriend, I dont know why I havent told him about my bf... I really dont. Its been a few weeks since I last spoke to him, he had said that he took our relationship for granted and that he didnt appricate me as much as he should have and that I was the one for him. He wanted to see me last month but I cancelled on him and said I couldnt (this was before I started dating my current bf), the only reason I didnt go was becasue I was scared of getting hurt again... In the past, everytime that I tried to work things out with my ex he would wreak them by avoiding me or not calling me or returning my messages, I thought it would just end up the same.

 

Anyway, today my ex said that he still wanted to see me, I kinda want to go and see what happens. I know deep down inside I still have feelings for him... but I love my bf... Im so stuck. What should I do!?

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Him being immature is part of his character you cant really change that.

 

If you love your bf you shouldnt have to think twice, and if you still have feelings for your ex then you havent got over him yet. Stick with your current bf, and see how it goes.

 

Im 16 so im not that experienced just my 2 cents

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I don't think that you can really 'love' your boyfriend after only a month or so. I'm not saying you don't have some feelings for him but it is only a short time that you have been with him and you are already having some problems with how he is maturity-wise.

 

I think you need to analyse your own feelings about this. If your feelings about your current boyfriend are not strong enough for you to immediately dismiss the idea of reconciling with your ex then perhaps the relationship won't go anywhere anyway. So perhaps you should think about ending it before either of you gets hurt too much.

 

If you think that your ex really means it and wants to try again then you should make sure you love him enough to forgive him for hurting you. If you can then the problems that broke the relationship up in the first place need to be addressed. Are they fixable or will they destroy the relationship again.

 

Try to look at the issues as dispassionately as you can. Are emotions tell us what we want - our rational side tells us if what we want is sensible and can be achieved.

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do you think i should still see my ex and catch up?

 

Not if you are still with your boyfriend. DN is right- take some time and think about this. I don't think your feelings for your bf are as strong as you think if you are even entertaining the thoughts of getting back with the ex.

 

You have two choices the way I see it:

 

1. let the ex go, stay with your bf and focus on that relationship because if you are with him you owe it to him to focus on your relationship and not get caught up with the ex you have feelings for.

 

 

2. Let your bf go and go and see what the ex has to offer... taking the risk that he will hurt you again the way he has in the past.

 

You can't have it both ways... how would you like it if your bf was meeting up with his ex gf whom he loved still, and was 'testing the waters' to see if she'd take him back, all the while stringing you along for the ride?

 

Pretty awful, huh?

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I guess so, but my boyfriend is great in alot of ways, I havent met a guy like him in ages... but if I really like him then why am I thinking of my ex? Its obvious I still have some sort of feelings for him...

Im going to sound like a pure cow when I say this, but I dont want to break up with my bf just yet, but I would like to see if things would have worked out with my ex.... I dont know if the problems we had in the past (ex) can be fixed, maybe this time they can because he is showing me that he is ready, but then again I could be seriously wrong.

 

Im so scared, I dont want to stuff up anyones life, I dont care if its mine but I dont want to wreak my boyfriends or my exs.

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Im going to sound like a pure cow when I say this, but I dont want to break up with my bf just yet, but I would like to see if things would have worked out with my ex.... I dont know if the problems we had in the past (ex) can be fixed, maybe this time they can because he is showing me that he is ready, but then again I could be seriously wrong.

Yeah... you can't do this. It's unfair to your bf and you know it. He is not an insurance policy that you can hang onto like a safety net while you try to figure things out with your ex bf.

 

Not cool.

 

Imagine yourself in his shoes- and how hurt and angry you'd be if someone who claimed to care about you did this to you.

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ok....I guess I'l dismiss the ex. Actually I just remembered, I found my diary a few days ago and I read what I wrote about my ex. I had written that he had hurt me with a few things he had said and this was during the first month. However my boyfriend hasnt said anything to hurt me.

 

I guess the rational side of me says that the ex had his chance (1 too many chances) and it didnt work out, so what will make this time different? Maybe he is doing all this just to see if he can still get me...maybe its an ego thing (like the last few times).

 

The rational side of me says to stay with my boyfriend. My boyfriend is proud of me and he has told all his friends about me and isnt afraid to show that we are toegther in public, however my ex didnt tell anyone we were toegther nor did he show any affection in public...

 

IS my rational side right?

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Yeah... you can't do this. It's unfair to your bf and you know it. He is not an insurance policy that you can hang onto like a safety net while you try to figure things out with your ex bf.

 

Not cool.

 

Imagine yourself in his shoes- and how hurt and angry you'd be if someone who claimed to care about you did this to you.

 

Thanks hope, you really knocked my senses back! Its tottaly unfair and inhuman! I definatly wont be doing that!

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I would tend to go with logic and rationality over emotion any day. Your ex sounds like he is not good for you, and that this may be an ego trip for him. Your present bf sounds like he is a better choice- but if your heart isn't in it with him than he deserves someone who returns his feelings.

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You either stay with your bf and go full force,

 

Or break up with him and then contemplate your ex,

 

It really isn't fair to drag your bf through your escapades with your bf,

 

You are bordering on emotional cheating,

 

Since you aren't really being upfront with either men,

 

You need to go with the man who makes you happy,

 

But don't drag 2 men through your looking/deciding process,

 

Hugs,

 

Rose

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Seems to me your current boyfriend is the better bet. So I would hex the ex.

 

But the relationship with your b/f seems to need some work. Why does he seem immature to you in some ways?

 

Yesss definatly hex the ex! hehe

 

My b/f seems immature because (I know this is just how he is) he says the most dumbest, cooc-kiest things ever without thinking. We have other issues like whenever he gets turned on he tells me and asks if I am... I dont mind this, but not every day! I dont know, maybe thats how adult relationships are.... Ive had the same issue with my ex too so I guess its a man thing LOL

 

But yeh, my b/f is a good person and desreves the best of me...not the worst.

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We have other issues like whenever he gets turned on he tells me and asks if I am... I dont mind this, but not every day!

This sounds like it is easily fixed... Just tell him that!

 

Glad you're sticking with your current - sounds to me like the ex, if he did all that stuff to hurt you (esp. if he did it on purpose), should be the one to forget - Things like dedicating songs to you are not much good if he's going to turn around and say hurtful things like the stuff in your diary.

 

One other thing - the immaturity thing might not necessarily be so bad... If you stopped him from this you might find him real serious or boring... In any case you might be his first girlfriend and so he might get maturer.

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Here's the real problem - you are vulnerable because for some crazy reason you think you have to have someone in your life to be a worthy person. Of course you can see your ex as a friend - and no, don't be manipulative and tell your bf about that - meet him in a public place and hear what he has to say. Then, if you decide to give things another shot, break up with the current boyfriend first and take at least a few weeks off with dating no one, being in contact with neither of them - be with yourself. If you don't feel fulfilled on your own you will risk making poor choices in a mate because it will be out of need which is not a basis for a long term relationship.

 

As far as the immaturity - this is who he is. Accept it or not. He may "grow up" over the years, he may not.

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Yesss definatly hex the ex! hehe

 

My b/f seems immature because (I know this is just how he is) he says the most dumbest, cooc-kiest things ever without thinking. We have other issues like whenever he gets turned on he tells me and asks if I am... I dont mind this, but not every day! I dont know, maybe thats how adult relationships are.... Ive had the same issue with my ex too so I guess its a man thing LOL

.

 

my bf is 23 and he's turned on everyday when he sees me. I thought it was abnormal but I guess apparently it's not haha. I guess it is a guy thing. Yes and he does ask me too if i'm turned on and other stuff. At least you can say to yourself, that he finds you very attractive!

 

But just dismiss the dumb things he says b/c if he's got great personality and treats you well, that is what counts

 

As for your ex-bf, time will heal you, but i learned in psych that a song , a voice etc..can remind you of someone and memories will flood in but it doesn't mean you still love them. your just conditioned.

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