Should I tell him about my infidelity?

[miss kiss]

Hello, I am new here! I need some opinions/advice please...

 

(This part removed for privacy)

 

A little over a year ago I (innocently) met someone online. We clicked and became close friends. I felt safe in our friendship because he was quite a bit older than me (two decades) and on the other side of the world! However, over the year the friendship morphed into something more. We click emotionally, and intellectually. It is a comfortable, easy relationship that seemed destined to happen. Last month he took a flight over to see me...

 

It turns out we click intimately too.

 

Now, I am leaving my boyfriend. I am breaking it off. I just don't know how or how much to tell him. Do I tell him about the other man, or is that just a way of clearing my guilty conscience? Does he really need to know or is it better to spare him the details? The break-up was inevitable due to our different needs and wants, but I have a feeling he may ask if there is anyone else...

 

I am so confused.

[southerngirl]

If you are breaking up with him for all the reasons you listed, I dont think you should tell him about the other deal.

 

YOur only going to hurt him deeply.

 

Be very careful though in getting into this other relationship before giving yourself time to heal from the loss of your relationship that is ending.

[RayKay]

Well, I do think it was very wrong of you to even begin this emotional (now physical) affair in the first place before ending things, but now that you are ending things for it seems many reasons, I think you should not tell him there is someone else and give the other incompatibilities as the reason. Telling him about the other guy may only intensify the hurt for him, as it certainly is not for the "honesty" at this point in my opinion or that would of happened a long time ago.

 

Of course, if it comes out later that you did cheat it may be even worse....so this is something you have to decide for yourself what is the better alternative.

[annie24]

I agree with the others - if you are breaking it off anyways, no need to make things worse. but, he may object, and insist on trying to work things out and wanting to know why you won't give him a second chance. he may wind up finding out about the new man anyways...

 

good luck with whatever happens.

[matius]

Well, I would want to know...as much as it hurt. This way I could get tested for any STD's. No offence to you, honest. Just that you never know who this other guy is...imagine going to the doctor and finding out you had Chlamydia (or something)...and have no idea where it came from.

 

Ok, this is a bit extreme but very possible.

[annie24]

very good point matius!

[avman]

If you are breaking it off then don't tell him. No point in rubbing salt in the wound so to speak.

[Relationship Coach]

Rarely do I disagree with RayKay and Annie but I think in this situation I will. Your BF may have many faults which contribute to your lack of desire to stay with him but you claim to love him. If you break up with him, he will more than likely try to become everything you want him to be and you will send him unintentionally on this frivolous scavenger hunt. Give him some credit as well, he will be sniffing around the bushes to see if someone else has been or is around, he is bound to find out.

 

By dumping him you are already going to hurt him and look like the mean person here, might as well push that dagger in a little deeper and come clean. When people get dumped, they want closure and some of the best closure I've ever experienced is being cheated on. This bitterness might just keep him away long enough to heal. You've been hiding this all for a year now, you'll feel better too when the dust settles. I'm not big on lying and I can see some times where it would be better than the truth but here the truth is bound to be revealed. Do the right thing.

 

RC

[annie24]

I see what you are saying RC...

 

which is why I said:

 

but, he may object, and insist on trying to work things out and wanting to know why you won't give him a second chance.

 

I guess it depends on whether he is the kind of guy who will just accept a breakup and walk away, or if he is the type to stay and try to work things out....

[Relationship Coach]

but I have a feeling he may ask if there is anyone else...

 

 

She knows him best, I would say in many break ups the "is there someone else" question is going to come up. I think it will just hurt twice as much if he finds out.

 

RC

[miss kiss]

I'm listening with open ears.

 

southerngirl - I do worry about not giving myself enough time to heal between relationships. This is a pattern of mine -one I am well aware of.

 

RayKay - I am aware of the moral looseness and have no defense for myself. At this point I just want the break-up to be as painless as possible for my boyfriend.

 

annie24 - I don't think he is in any position to object to the break-up or ask for a second chance. I have been very verbal about my needs and future goals over the past three years. I have expressed to him several times my dissatisfaction and made it clear what was important to me. He just isn't in the same mind-frame. I have never nagged or argured with him. He knows me and what I need out of this relationship, but he is not willing to change. I am not angry and I don't blame him, it is just who he is.

 

matius - No worries about STDs. I won't get into specifics, but that is a non-issue.

 

avman - That is how I feel too.

 

Relationship Coach - The same thing I said to annie applies. Over a year ago I even broke off the relationship for a short time (a week) giving him all (the same) reasons. He wanted me to give him some time... Well, it has been over a year and nothing has changed. He cannot change because I want him to, he has to change because he wants to, and I know that won't happen anytime soon (if ever). I will be clear and unambiguous when I break-off with him. There will be no scavenger hunt.

 

I understand your position regarding infidelity and closure but I disagree. My boyfriend has been well aware of what I have been feeling for the past few years, and this will be a logical explanation to him. Telling him I have been with someone else will likely only cause unnecessary hurt and confusion. I do love him so I want to handle this break-up with compassion. By the way, it was not a year-long emotional infidelity. My boyfriend is well aware I have online friends with whom I correspond, and it was only recently things evolved beyond friendship.

[doyathink]

I wouldn't tell him, however....if he askes, I would not lie about it but tell him yes, there is someone else! It will be painful but he will find out some time and at least you gave him the truth to begin with so there won't be any further questions about it.

[Relationship Coach]

Over a year ago I even broke off the relationship for a short time (a week) giving him all (the same) reasons. He wanted me to give him some time... Well, it has been over a year and nothing has changed. He cannot change because I want him to, he has to change because he wants to, and I know that won't happen anytime soon (if ever). I will be clear and unambiguous when I break-off with him. There will be no scavenger hunt.

 

 

Ah-ha, it's always nice to get more info! Well I agree there isn't going to be any change so the relationship has come to a dead end. I wish you the best of luck, I guess if you can live with not telling him then so be it. He is hurt less and your affair stays off the radar screen.

 

RC

[miss kiss]

doyathink - yes i agree, if he asks it may be best to fess up.

 

RC - Yes it is a dead end! If he doesn't ask I will live with the guilt of not telling him rather than hurting him any more (God please don't let him ask!!!).

 

Today is the day, and I feel like I might throw-up. I hate doing this.

[Relationship Coach]

Good Luck and be gentle!

 

RC

[scornandtorn]

Trust me he will ask, tell him the truth! It will hurt him far worse to find out the truth now. At least give him the truth. I've been in his shoes and had to put precious time into discovering the truth on my own. It was far more painful to learn there was also another reason, and all the time you had to waste finding all the answers could have been used far more constructively, HEALING.

[Mr. Stealth]

If i was you, i would tell him everything.

Only this way he will understand and know that he deserves mutch better than you.

Otherwise you will bring him in more difficult situations.

He will over analyse things and break his head about why and how this could happen.

My opinion of you is that youre very selfish starting a new relationship behind youre boyfriends back.

You dont even got the balls to break up first.

Just because you dont want to lose that safety robe.

Act like the same would happen to you, would you be happy then?

Actually i dont know if this kind of relationship will stay forever.

Surely if youre new BF knows the way you played it.

He will know this can also happen to him.

And maybe he is also just playing you girl.

Actually such people make me sick

But after all everyone gets his payback. Don't worry

[miss kiss]

scornandtorn - You make some valid points. Thank-you.

 

Mr. Stealth you sound like a very angry, jaded young man. The world is not perfect and neither am I. The trick is to learn and grow from situations, not to spread hate. Thanks for sharing your opinion, but I'll keep my own. It always bothers me when people are so harsh and critical when they don't know even half the story. Your assumptions only make you sound immature and inexperienced in life.

[Mr. Stealth]

You could at least break up with youre BF before having sex with another man.

You didn't show any respect for him at all.

Why would you search for a soft way to dump him if you can be so harsh and egoistic against him.

What did you think when you had sex with the other man?

What he doesnt know doesnt hurt him.

Or what im doing now is wrong but i cant resist and those are problems for later. and now youre looking for other people to solve youre problems.

I dont know what youre ex did wrong that you have to search for another lover behind his back (i dont even think that there is a reason good enough to do this because it always ends by egoisme) me, me, me...... .

But at this moment you made the biggest mistake.And if you have honor you admit it but i dont think you will do that.Why would you? if you can play it clean.Right?

 

My opinion is that you're trying to get out of this relationship as good as you can.

That you don't have to blame youreself for the mistake you made.

That people wont point you the finger for what you did.

A clean dump keeps also the possibillity open to get back to him if the new relation doesn't work out.

What is wrong with you girl?

If that relationship wasnt what you want, why dont you just cut it off.

 

Let me tell it simple:

 

1) If you dont admit it to him. he will start thinking and it will make his head crazy.He wouldnt understand cause i think he wont have seen this coming.

You put all the weight of blame on his shoulders.

 

2) If you really care about him, then you must be honest with him.

Maybe he will be angry or bad cause you cheated on him.

But he will know at least the truth about the situation without breaking his head.

this is the best way i think because then you take resposibility for what you have done.

 

after this you can still go on with you new relationship and live long and happily and so on...........

But i dont think it a healthy method of getting a new BF on this way.

[Mr. Stealth]

by the way im 26 so dont worry.

[annie24]

hi misskiss - how did things go? is everything settled and alright?

[Royltnxile]

Miss Kiss wrote:

 

A little over a year ago I (innocently) met someone online. We clicked and became close friends. I felt safe in our friendship because he was quite a bit older than me (two decades) and on the other side of the world! However, over the year the friendship morphed into something more. We click emotionally, and intellectually. It is a comfortable, easy relationship that seemed destined to happen. Last month he took a flight over to see me...

 

It turns out we click intimately too.

 

 

Or you can just tell him that you lost interest in him a long time ago so instead of breaking it off with him, or taking a break, or working to repair the relationship even...you chose to develop an emotional relationship with a guy 20 years your senior who lives halfway accross the world that you met on the internet...

 

Afterall, that's exactly what happened right?

 

I'm wondering if your b/f has any clue whatsoever that his g/f is so cowardly, immature, and lacking in integrity? I feel sorry for what he is about to experience so maybe you should just give him the typical "I love you, but I'm not in love with you..blah blah blah...bs and be done with him. If he asks if there is "someone else" just evade the question or flat out lie to him, because obviously you are good at doing that...so spare his feelings.

 

Consider a couple of things as well - what kind of guy flies half way around the world to meet a girl he knows has a boyfriend? Hmmmmm Sounds like a loser...

 

What kind of issues do YOU have that make you hang onto somekind of fantasy relationship with this internet guy who you have met ONCE...

 

Consider what you are giving up...probably a good guy who you claim to love, and who probably treats you well...but you are going to rashly trade him for some unknown quantity old guy who lives on the other side of the planet? Yeah, makes sense...and we wonder why women are always accused of thinking irrationally.

 

Spare you b/f's feelings and just dump him firmly and finally. Do him a favor for once and don't contact him or try to be "friends" with him after you break up with him either. For his sake, I hope he is strong enough to never speak to you again after you lower the boom on him. What you have done is pretty much unforgivable, but hey, what do I know?