2.5 years, broken up for 2 months, need advice please

[D1886]

I have been with my ex-girlfriend for 2 and 1/2 years. We started dating my senior year of H.S, stayed together the past 2 years I was in college, long distance. She graduated this year we were planning on going to the same school and still are in 2 weeks.

 

When I came home I was an , had insecurity issues and pushed her to the point of breaking it off on the 4th of July. We have spent the whole summer apart. The first month, I begged, cried, pleaded and everything, but nothing worked, I know now (after this website) that pushed her away. The last 3 weeks I went NC, she called me 5 days ago, I didn't call her back, she called 2 days later 3 times and I talked to her about the relationship (don't know if this was a bad idea) and we ended up going to dinner a couple nights ago.

 

I really want her back and she knows this. She said she wants to go to school and do everything for herself. She said you won't be my friend? I told her I could not be her friend and mentioned "a friend would be happy for you if you found someone else" (don't know good or bad?). She said so you won't talk to me? I said no. She then said well what if I want to go on a date with you? I said yes (don't know good or bad?). She also said later she missed me, I said I miss you too, but that was it. I tried to be strong throughout dinner, but I would mess up (I think) when she would say like "I did nothing to end this, you did it all," and I said, "I know, I tell myself that everyday," looking not strong. I did tell her that I had been working out and other good stuff, I quit smoking weed, been eating healthy, working on myself, but I don't know if that mattered, because she's still in control of the situation, ya know?

 

I'm planning on not calling her and letting her call, but I don't know how to approach anything else in the future, like when I talk to her, to try to get her back.

 

I don't want to be her backup plan when we get to school, but I miss her and she was such a great person.

One other issue I am having a tough time with is the thought of being back with her after she has had sex with other people, whether this summer or the first few weeks of school. It just bothers me that she would come back to me after "she has had her fun" I guess, should it? I don't know what to think.

[D1886]

If you need more information or anything else that would make things clear, ask. I tried to put down everything, but I'm sure there's something more.

 

Thank you

[Caine]

First off well done for working out and eating healthy etc, you've kept yourself busy and that's good. Your not wrong for saying you want a relationship with her or no contact at all, I also find it easier to sether all ties from an ex. If she's been going out having her fun, has she got it all out her system? she may go back with you and then regret it and still play the field. So in that respect you could leave her alone and get on with your life.

Otherwise if you want her back, the best way is to let her make the moves, let her call you, keep your distance a little and don't get too close too quickly and that will keep her chasing you. You may need to work on your insecurity issues, which is going to be really tough considering what you went through together already, your just gonna worry that she'll leave again or cheat, in that respect it might be best to leave her be.

[D1886]

Anyone have any more advice, thanks caine.

[friscodj]

Hey bro,

 

A lot of change happens in people during their teens and early/mid 20's. Sometimes they change together, other times they change in different directions. And there is nothing you can do about which direction that change takes...

 

With that said, it sounds like she is headed in a different direction than you are. On top of that, she is being extremely selfish is her "requests" of you to be her "friend".

 

Look, you made some mistakes, everyone makes mistakes and mistakes in and of themselves don't end relationships, people and their desires do. I bet if you were absolutely perfect in this relationship, you would still be in this situation. Believe that...

 

Now, you want her back. Why do you want her back? The "her" you are talking about is gone my friend. What you really want is to go back to the time when the relationship was good. That time is gone. Believe that too...

 

So what can you do now? You miss her, you miss having her there, you miss talking to her, miss being with her. Bro, I understand. This is the reality of relationship break-ups...you can't have it all

 

What you can have is yourself back. You are so wrapped up and focused on her and this situation. Focus on yourself and your stuff and your feelings for her will fade...it takes time...

 

As for your last paragraph, she;s had her fun alright, what makes you think she won't do it again? The precedent has been set, she can do whatever she wants and you will sit, wait, and preen for her to come back...sounds like a pretty good situation for her and a bad one for you...you deserve better than that dude...and better is out there...

[melrich]

I agree she is going in a different direction to you. Unfortunately you need to suck it up and get on with your life. These years are too good to waste on pining for an ex girlfriend.