I'm abusive and very sad

[alien28]

Before I start to tell my story, please understand mistakes I might make because English is not my first language.

 

I'm currently living with Canadian husband in Canada after we married in my country. I decided to come to Canada because my husband had lots of concerns about his career, family... etc.

I was convinced especially the part his concern about his dad's health.

I lost my mom 2 years ago and have been still very sad about it so I wanted him to have enough time with his dead.(his dead has serious heart problem)

 

It's been several months but I'm not able to work or study because I haven't got my permanent residence visa yet.

So I've been home most of times while my husband goes to work.

Staying home is not my thing but I do not have that much choice right now.

I have some volunteer work but just few hours.

I do not have enough money to go out with friends. Actually I only have one friend who is busy with study.

 

I have been very angry to my husband since we came to Canada because his attitude is different now.(He doesn't agree with it though. He says that he's always been same.)

He doesn't focus on his carrer at all.

He doesn't seem to really care about his dad's health.

(for example, when his dad does some hard work at home, he doesn't help unless being asked. He just reading a book or watching TV eventhough his dad seems bad condition to do some works)

Also, he goes out with his friends way too much.

He always make excuses to go his friends house or somewhere.

I'm sure he's been faithful but I feel extremely lonely whenver I being lefted home alone.

I sometimes go out with him but he doesn't want to come home even late at night so I'm not enjoying going out with him anymore because I feel easily tired at certain time of day.

 

Ok... here is main problem.

I can't seem to control myself when I'm upset.

I have so much anger toward my husband since I came to his country.

And no one seems really understand my position which drives me more crazy.

I horribly become aggressive these days.

And it really make things worse all the time.

But I just can't control it....

Especially when my husband is leaving me alone when I desperately ask him to be home with me.

 

He usually just leave whatever I say.

I tried to communicate with him with calm ways.

But it doesn't work... and I feel so frustrated.

I usually become aggressive and abusive when normal communication doesn't seem to work.

 

I yell, scream sometimes hitting him.

I feel very ashamed but I have too much anger about him.

I just can't forgive him to be different that much after I give up lots of things from my country and come here to start to have a new life with him.

 

Today was one of the worst case.

We're moving furniture and clean stuff because one of my family is visiting here tomorrow.

Yesterday, my husband didn't come home until late. So I did all the work.

Of course I was so mad but tried to calm and I hoped today he would be helpful. While we were about to work eariler today, his friend called and asked to hang out. I overheard that he says yes.

That made me exploded.

I couldn't believe that he goes out even we have things to do.

I exploded... I yelled at him... at some points I even swear to him.

Whatever I did..... after all... he left to hang out with his friends.

He didn't even tell me where he goes...

 

I'm being all alone again with so much anger.

I know that my abusive behaviours make things worse all the time.

But I don't really know what to do..........

What am I supposed to do?

Should I just let him go out whenever he wants .. and just being lonely to death?

He made so many agreements with me and he doesn't really care actually.

Am I too controlling?

Am I too abusive?

My husband always say... everything is my fault.

Every problems I caused.

He has nothing to do with all the argument we have...

 

I really need big help.

There are so many times I want to die... I never tried to kill myself.

But there are many nights I hope not to wake up in the morning.

 

whenever I think about my family in my country... I feel so ashamed.

Feel so ashamed to think about extreme things.

My family in my coutry don't know how miserable I am here.

I just can't tell them. Because my family has been going through my mom's sudden death. and I just can't make them worry about me.

I always pretend that I'm okay... pretend my husband is still great guy...

 

I really have nobody to talk to...

Please give me some advise what to do.

 

But please don't say to go to counselling because I just can't afford to it at all.

[candy604]

it's not all your fault, but if he's not focusing on his career and family then he has to own up to the responsibility as a husband and son ( which he is not). So I can see how you get very anger when it continues and nothing is solved. But hitting and swearing won't help the situation.

 

Does he have a good relationship with his father? If it was, usually a son would try to spend as much time with his father, sounds like he doesn't have a great relationship.

 

link removed

 

try approaching the problems another way to get your husband to think about the situation and make him realize he has to take responsiblity.

 

Also if he wants to hang out with his friends ( it might be b/c he hasn't seen them for so long), tell him you'd like to spend time with him more b/c you miss him etc..and that is what a relationship should be. Can he bring you out with his friends so you can meet more people? often i hang out with my bf and his friends ( as well as their gf's).

 

Or if it doens't work, go take up some hobbies ( reading, art, sports, gardening, music) and join some clubs ( so you can meet friends and hang out) or even church! ( great way to have support and meet wonderful people). If you need help from him, don't be afraid to ask ( don't do all the work yourself and ask your husband to come help you with chores or whatever). Some guys are dense and don't help out b/c they think the wife can do it all unless you ask them to help them.

 

 

BUT read this site, it's very helpful!! Gives you communication tips!

 

Good luck, I think it's basically a communication problem. There's a way you can approach the situation.

[Caine]

first off, just relax. When you get upset with your husband and shout etc, that is why he's more determined to go out. something similar happened between my sister and her husband whan he used to go to nightclubs, in the end she got used to it and stopped argueing with him, the result? he didn't stay out as long and when he came home he had missed her so much more, it didn't happen overnight though. You really do need to get out there a make your own life, I know it must be difficult being in a new country and your husband isn't ery understanding but you've so well. make new friends, anything to yourself outta the house a lot more, you really need to keep busy, if your mind is busy, you don't have time to worry.

 

When your husband see's you going out a lot more, sometimes you'll be the one leaving him at home, when he see's how independent you are it might make him a little jelous and want to be around you a lot more, but do try and not argue with him, if something bothers you, just talk to him nicely and if he still doesn't see things your way, 'don't lose your temper' just walk away or go for a walk. Arguing will just push him further away, nows the time to get out there and start living your new life!

[DN]

I think you should ask your husband to go to marriage counselling with you to try and get these problems resolved.

 

But what ever happens you must stop hitting him. It is just as wrong for a woman to hit a man as the other way around and there is no excuse for it, no matter how angry and frustrated you become. It never solves a problem and just makes a bad situation much worse.

 

Realise that domestic violence is a crime. And you could get in serious trouble for it.

[yeawutever]

Agree with what DN says. If you're hitting him, then you need to go to counseling too, also anger management.

[rmpavlock]

I know you don't want to hear this, but you probably should do counseling. If you are really serious about finding help, then you need to find a way.