Trouble with her past..

[MatthewM]

What is wrong with me? The problem is definetely me. With that said, my fiancee and I have a fantastic relationship. I am 32, she is 34. I have chronic bouts of bad feelings about her sexual past. She is a highly sexual woman, which is great for me/us. So there shouldn't be a problem right? Sometimes one little thing will strike a whole spree of "thinking" about her past, both very recent and years back. For example early on she liked to be called a * * * * * when we were really going at it. I was uncomfortable with that and so she doesn't ask/expect that anymore, but then I feel like I am disappointing her. I also wonder where that desire comes from. That is just 1 thing of many. I know a lot about her adventures in her 20s as well as up to before we met and even the beginnings of our relationship which is where a lot of the feelings come from. She has done things that most will never do, or even get to do if they wanted to. I can't help but think too that she would still be acting the same way if we hadn't met, and so what is different? I would say I don't judge her, at least I don't with words or actions. However clearly I do think some things were unhealthy, but that is so subjective too it is not my call. She can't change her past as she kindly reminds me. It is definetely the recent past upto us meeting which really affects me most. My feelings also stem from wanting to have a certain image of the woman I am going to marry vs a girlfriend. I don't have a colorful sex past. We laugh because if I had more confidence with women over the years I probablly would have been a male * * * * * myself.

 

I guess underlying everything I want to put labels on things, and understand why. We are extremely happy together. Yet when I feel bad about her past I feel bad about us and myself. It is kind of along the lines of wanting to have a certain image of your wife. If she was just a girlfriend I don't think this would bother me so much. I could get more specific with the things that bother me, but I don't think it is that relevant. As I started with, the problem is me. She is with me, we are wanting to spend our lives together. Shouldn't that be enough? But it is not. And I have no idea how to make this stop, it is an ongoing problem within me. We have talked about it together and she is receptive to hearing my feelings graciously. I feel at an impass though and wonder if I should get therapy. It seems stupid to be hung up every other week or once a month on an ongoing basis.

[shelly7]

Welcome matthewm! IMHO, I think that your concerns are normal. I also think it could be an easy problem to fix. I think a few sessions with a positive therapist could help you vent out this anxiety and help you to look past your fiance's past. Good luck to you!

[Siriana]

You are perfectly happy with her but worried about her ex sex life? And if you two were just dating than you would be cool about it? Well you're a guy and that's your double standard we have to live with. But once in a while s**** happens and you fall in love with a girl who's not from your imaginated perfect world but who's real.

 

I really don't think you should be worried. The fact is she loves you and because of that she has no intentions going back to her previous life style.

If your sex life is good and you're both happy and have similar desires everything is cool.

 

Also, she had a choice: not to tell you the truth or to be honest. What do you value more?

 

This is logical answer, emotionally I don't know how you could cope with that because I have never been in your shoes - I don't worry over the number how many women my bf slept with before me. I guess because I slept with 5 guys in a single year and because I would be miserable if I fell in love and decided to get married and before that I slept with maybe one guy. I am trying to say that after you experienced a lot, you are going to appreciate real stuff when you find it. And you are going to be more shure about your choice. So your gf knows that she loves you and definitely appreciates you a lot, I guess she is happy she doesn't have to keep looking for that right guy.

 

But you feel miserable thinking about her sexual experience - and you know the reasons why you feel that way too. So it's not like you're confused or something. You are completely realistic about it. So I think you have a choice:

A: to live with it, accept it (you find the way how to do it if you choose to do that - BTW counseling isn't bad idea

B: to stop dating her and to start searching for a girl that matches better with your moral criteria

 

p.s. I am not judging you because you feel that way, because you have every right to have your standards and to live by them. You were honest enough toward yourself to say that you have double standards and 99,9% of guys would have the same problem you have now if they were you.

[Tigris]

If you feel that you will have this problem in years to come then I would advise you to seek that therapy now.

 

I don't like the idea that in years to come when you've got children that you may start to argue and you 'throw' these things at her.

 

She may be understanding at present with you asking questions, etc., but if you continue to do it you could sicken her off.

[Momene]

We had this discussion on the BBC board in the UK. Lots of people have promiscuous pasts but settle into monogamous relationships without cheating.

[MatthewM]

I should have clarified more. I actually have zero concern about her cheating, even though she was getting nailed by married guys on the beach, or done in allies by guys that are in relationships, etc etc. What I have trouble with is that she was that "person". Sleeping around with dozens of men, even sometimes 7 or 8 at a time on the hook doesn't bother me. But it is the nature of it, ie people in relationships, and what she was doing in some cases. The fact that many of these guys still call her after nearly a year without contact; total pigs who just used her as she has admittedly used them. That some of them had extreme tastes, like one guy who liked his nuts being smashed..so she would put on high heel boots and do that to him. I say this to clarify where I am coming from.

 

It is hard to resolve all this in my mind because I know by her own words she was acting out. I don't want to judge her for these things. She has said several times she "was acting like a selfish wh*ore" (her words) while crying to me. I guess in the end my "problem" is that I just don't want the image of my future wife having been that person through us meeting. Maybe if she had stopped for some time before we met, maybe I am delusional there too...But then she also tells me that she is so glad we met because it was what she really wanted, but was resigned that she would not find it.

 

So, I really have zero trust issues or worry. I just don't want to think about her past anymore when something triggers it. Anyway..I think I will go get therapy.

[Tigris]

Let us know how the therapy goes.

 

Good luck

[Momene]

I did stuff I wasn't proud of when younger but people do grow up, at least some.