MatthewM

I should have clarified more. I actually have zero concern about her cheating, even though she was getting nailed by married guys on the beach, or done in allies by guys that are in relationships, etc etc. What I have trouble with is that she was that "person". Sleeping around with dozens of men, even sometimes 7 or 8 at a time on the hook doesn't bother me. But it is the nature of it, ie people in relationships, and what she was doing in some cases. The fact that many of these guys still call her after nearly a year without contact; total pigs who just used her as she has admittedly used them. That some of them had extreme tastes, like one guy who liked his nuts being smashed..so she would put on high heel boots and do that to him. I say this to clarify where I am coming from. It is hard to resolve all this in my mind because I know by her own words she was acting out. I don't want to judge her for these things. She has said several times she "was acting like a selfish wh*ore" (her words) while crying to me. I guess in the end my "problem" is that I just don't want the image of my future wife having been that person through us meeting. Maybe if she had stopped for some time before we met, maybe I am delusional there too...But then she also tells me that she is so glad we met because it was what she really wanted, but was resigned that she would not find it. So, I really have zero trust issues or worry. I just don't want to think about her past anymore when something triggers it. Anyway..I think I will go get therapy.

What is wrong with me? The problem is definetely me. With that said, my fiancee and I have a fantastic relationship. I am 32, she is 34. I have chronic bouts of bad feelings about her sexual past. She is a highly sexual woman, which is great for me/us. So there shouldn't be a problem right? Sometimes one little thing will strike a whole spree of "thinking" about her past, both very recent and years back. For example early on she liked to be called a * * * * * when we were really going at it. I was uncomfortable with that and so she doesn't ask/expect that anymore, but then I feel like I am disappointing her. I also wonder where that desire comes from. That is just 1 thing of many. I know a lot about her adventures in her 20s as well as up to before we met and even the beginnings of our relationship which is where a lot of the feelings come from. She has done things that most will never do, or even get to do if they wanted to. I can't help but think too that she would still be acting the same way if we hadn't met, and so what is different? I would say I don't judge her, at least I don't with words or actions. However clearly I do think some things were unhealthy, but that is so subjective too it is not my call. She can't change her past as she kindly reminds me. It is definetely the recent past upto us meeting which really affects me most. My feelings also stem from wanting to have a certain image of the woman I am going to marry vs a girlfriend. I don't have a colorful sex past. We laugh because if I had more confidence with women over the years I probablly would have been a male * * * * * myself. I guess underlying everything I want to put labels on things, and understand why. We are extremely happy together. Yet when I feel bad about her past I feel bad about us and myself. It is kind of along the lines of wanting to have a certain image of your wife. If she was just a girlfriend I don't think this would bother me so much. I could get more specific with the things that bother me, but I don't think it is that relevant. As I started with, the problem is me. She is with me, we are wanting to spend our lives together. Shouldn't that be enough? But it is not. And I have no idea how to make this stop, it is an ongoing problem within me. We have talked about it together and she is receptive to hearing my feelings graciously. I feel at an impass though and wonder if I should get therapy. It seems stupid to be hung up every other week or once a month on an ongoing basis.