Hurting and Confused, please help

[shoebaby1]

Hello, I would like to tell you all my complete story so that I can get an outsiders opinion. Here we go!

 

Me and my boyfriend started dating 3 years ago, things started out slow because I was not ready to be in a relationship at the time because I was hurt from a previous one. But my boyfriend stayed friends with me until I was ready (he always wanted to be with me) So we got together and just dated for awhile. He then moved into his cousins pool house from his moms house and I basically started coming over everyday and he welcomed me. It eventually turned into like us living together. We were together every day and spent every moment together practically aside from work.He never even hung out with his friends anymore. He then moved out of his cousins house and back to his moms and we basically lived together there still being together almost 24/7. We fought alot because I have alot of insecurities within myself, and I have been very selfish only thinking of what I want. All the time I would yell at him and it was a very bad situation. He broke up with me a few times but I begged him to stay because I said I would change and within a few hours of beggin he would take me back because he said he loved me and that the only problem we have is my bad temper and attitude.

 

So the problems kept up and all the while he is caring and understanding but I keep on blaming him for cheating and just fighting over stupid stuff and then he broke up with me in May of this year. It hurt really bad again but this time he didn't take my begging and really let me know that he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. We stopped talking only for a few days and didn't see eachother for about a week but then a week later I asked him out and we ended up spending a weekend together. The weekend we spent together was fun and everything and we were acting like a couple and I asked him "what exactly is this that we are doing?'" and he said "We are taking things slowly and seeing what happens, I don't think I want a relationship right now but we can hang out to see if our feelings change towards eachother". I was really confused and hurt but I just let it go.

 

The part that confuses me is we still see eachother about 3 times a week and now its almost September and spending the night with eachother atleast 2 times a week. When we are togehter things are really great but then I start feeling sad because we are not officially together ( I have a big problems with worrying) . Yesterday I brought up something that I saw in his cell phone. My cell phone had died so I was using his and this text popped up out of nowhere (I was not snooping) and it said "just wanted to say Hi before I went to bed" I was totally shocked because we had a mutual understanding that if we were seeing other people we would let the other know. He always tells me that he is sick of telling me that if he was talking to another girl he would tell me, and he expects the same from me. He has always been truthful to me as far as I know but I just felt so bad. Well anyway I questioned him about it and he looked at it like " * * *" and then he said this is not anyone I know, this had to be the wrong number they are texting to. He proceeded to say "this isn't even a local zip code how would I know this person"

 

After this incident I kept telling him to please just tell me if there is someone else because I don't want to get hurt, and he got mad and said this is exactly why he doesn't want to be in a relationship because he tells me something and I keep asking him over and over again. and then he just kept saying that I may end up getting hurt because he is not looking to get back into a relationship for awhile (maybe a year he doesn't know) because he doesn't even have his own place, and his own career, and he has to have all of that before getting back into a relationship, because he doesn't want to be obligated to checking in with someone when he is busy, and what he has to do. I asked him to promise me he would not see other girls and he said he doesn't need to promise me because he already told me he doesn't want to see other girls because they are a headache and he doesn't have time for that. I then asked him if he would want a casual realationhship with another girl and he said no, he doesn't want to see any other girls. He just said that he would want to be able to leave the country and do whatever he wanted without checking in with someone. He said he thought I was clear that we were spending time together to see if his feeling change and also if my feelings change about him. He said he really loves me and enjoys my company and that I am a really cool person.

 

We are supposed to be spending Labor Day weekend together and I am pretty nervouse because, I wouldn't mind not being in a relationship for awhile but I REALLY WANT HIM BACK. The reason I want him back is because he has never disrespected me, he has always been there for me, and I feel like I started searching for problems and ruined the only good relationship I ever had. He said that he saw us married before but the relationship part just makes him feel like he doesn't want to do it right now. I NEED HELP!!!

[ImThatGirl]

This sounds like something I would do and worry about doing.

 

I worry alot too. Sometimes I worry all the time. I'm sometimes very insecure and get anxious thinking that the rug could be pulled out from under me at anytime.

 

Of course the text could have been sent to the wrong number but there's a very good possibility he at least has made a friend. I'm not saying it's okay for you to worry and "badger" him for reassurance constantly. But - if he loves you completely, little reassurance from him wouldn't bother him. He'd want to make you feel secure and confident about your relationship with him.

 

Make a stand. If you two do decide to "be in a relationship," will you be able to never question him? If not, be sure that he accepts you for you. Hopefully you two can compromise - you relaxing a bit and learning to "not worry" and him not minding a little reassurance now and then. Meet each other in the middle if at all possible. I'm thinking right now you would probably be willing to promise to never question him. But when you have a worrying heart, it's almost impossible to do.

 

You mentioned he never disrespects you. However, he has known who you are since before you started dating.

[shoebaby1]

thanks for the advice, he does give me reassurance but I keep pushing for more. I am just so scared that he will move on to another girl, that is my biggest fear, and I cannot get that text message out of my head even though he told me it was not for him, I just cannot stop thinking about it.

It just seems like he is so confused because he calls me and asks me to come over, and he pulls me close to him and kisses me and holds my hand. He just seems really confused is all I can say

[ImThatGirl]

Since you are a worry-er like myself, I know it will be very difficult to get that text msg out of your head.

 

Instead of worrying that he is going to leave you, do what you need to do to make the relationship work.

 

Find a way to stop worrying. As hard as it is, find a way. Have you thought about talking to a counselor? If you can stop worrying, you may have what you want.

[shoebaby1]

what else can you read from my post, do you think there is a possibility that he would want to get back together?

[ImThatGirl]

I'm not an expert but I think that the fact he is still spending lots of time with you could indicate that he still wants to be with you.

 

Maybe he is really having a hard time explaining himself all the time. Have you ever had to explain yourself to someone all the time?

 

Love is strong but constant anxiety and questioning is hard for a guy to deal with. I think that for yourself, you need to find a way to be less anxious, build your confidence, be less co-dependent, and be happy with or without him. I know it's all easier said than done, Sweetie. But constant anxiety will make you sick, exhausted, and miserable.

 

Why not try to find a solution to your anxieties? I can be here for you to talk to. I have another friend that worries like I do. We talk to each other - vent to each other a little rather than letting our worries known to our guys all the time.

[shoebaby1]

that sound really good, I would definitely like to talk to you online when I start feeling bad. I feel like he may want to get back but would never ever tell me there is a chance because then I will expect something from him.

[ImThatGirl]

He may be worried that if he tells you everything is okay and you two are a couple, you will immediately have anxiety.

 

I will try to be around this weekend off and on. My boyfriend will be over and I'm not sure I'll find too much computer time. Please feel free to send me a pm if you'd like and I'll respond when I get online.

 

I think our minds work by creating constant anxiety - this in effect keeps us prepared and "safe" in case things don't work out. Why not just go with the flow for once, be carefree? I promise if you try really hard, it is great.

 

You're already attached to him. So while you have him, believe in him, relax with him, forget the worries. You will not lose anything more if he walks away later or now since you are already attached to him. In comparison, I my boyfriend and I have only been together for 2 months. Talk about worrying! I have no guarantees yet like you do. I know the rug has been adjusted for you but it hasn't been pulled out from underneath your feet. Keep the boat afloat! Hang in there!

[shoebaby1]

thanks for your support!

 

Do any other members or posters here on this board have a take on this

[shoebaby1]

anyone???

[moonflowers]

Hey,

 

Hope you've been doing okay since you last posted.

 

I can relate a bit to your anxiety because I also was a rather insecure girlfriend. I was always worrying about whether my boyfriend really liked me or not, and I'd bug him and ask him why he loved me, etc. But the more I bugged him and clung to him, the more he drew away from me. Not good.

 

My guess is that you probably were feeling really insecure, and so you tried to make sure he wouldn't leave you by checking in on what he was doing and who he was seeing, but this only resulted in making him feel upset that you didn't seem to trust him. That made you worry more, and then you tried to pull him closer more... etc.

 

If we have tried and tried, but never got the result we really wanted, this usually means it's time to take a different tack. Your guy is spending a lot of time with you, so he's probably still interested in being with you. Take this opportunity to make sure that you learn how to be with him without trying to cling to him. Usually, this involves changing ourselves, not the other person.

 

If something bothers you, tell him once, but if he doesn't do what you're hoping he will do, just let it go. Letting go will help you feel less anxious and worried, and since he's been feeling a bit crowded lately, it might be just what he's been wanting, too. Don't worry if you can't do it all in one step. It's not easy to change our behaviors if we've been doing them for a while, but we are fully capable of it if we're determined enough, and you seem to love him enough to be willing to do it for him.

[g44]

love is like a small box filled with emotions. jealously, lust, selfishness, rage, bliss, contentment, concern, clarity, attachment, confusion, even hate... all filled into this tiny, compact box. when two people come together to share love, the box starts to shake. at any moment, any of the above emotions could gain enough pressure to spring out and surprise someone. real love consists of any and all possible human emotions...

[natalie121687]

I also have a problem of bringing up stupid things to fight with my boyfriend about. It has driven him away many times, but for some reason he kept taking me back and we are again together. I'm trying really hard this time NOT to pick fights over little things because I realize he really does care about me and I don't want to ruin things again. Even when he does things that piss me off, I stop myself from making a big scene about it. If you and this guy do end up getting back together soon, make sure you are really trying to NOT fight over little things or nag him about things. This just creates drama that he does not want to deal with when he knows he wouldn't have to if he was single. I hope all goes well with you two and if he continues to make him wait, start to look around for new guy friends. You don't have to go around looking for new sex buddies or guys to fall in love with but meeting a new guy you can trust could turn into something more that you never knew could happen. Anyways, hope you two had a good Labor Day Weekend!