Why do I feel bummed when I see cute girls at school?

[atraceofblood]

Lately I've been hanging out at school, and I have been seeing a lot of beautiful women everywhere. Now that's great, but for some reason I feel bummed and left out...probably because I don't know them and don't know how to get to know them, since I haven't been that successful in the past. I do have to improve this, but that's not the point of my post.

 

The point is that I see these women and just feel tad bit depressed because I feel like I can't have them. It's my mindset that needs to change or something.

 

Here's an example from today: I was hanging out for lunch and saw this really cute girl approaching me, and I could not help looking at her cute face. She gave me a few quick glances, or at least I hope because she looked my way. But after she was walking towards me she just turned around. The way she walked, she seemed like she didn't know where she was going so that's why she turned back around. For some reason I thought maybe she got nervous, but that could be my wishful thinking lol.

 

anyways, the point of that incident is that I felt this really intense happy feeling for a couple seconds while I thought about her after she left. After that I felt kinda down because I don't know her and don't know how to and not sure if I can ever do so, and not only with her, but all the other women I feel attracted to at my school. And then I see guys hanging out with some of these girls and it bums me even more.

 

So I'm wondering why I feel this way? Why do I feel left out sometimes? I'm in no way depressed at all. I am a positive minded guy, although I do need a lot of work in the "interacting with women" department.

 

anyone have any ideas?

[jurupa]

The girl you mentioned was most probably interested in you and made her self avaliable for you to talk to, and you blew it. You could have said; "You look lost, need some help?"

 

But as far as you thinking that you can't have them or get these girls, its your mind set. I don't see what is stopping you from talking to girls. Even starting a coversation with the most stupidest thing is better than just sitting there and letting these girls just walk by. I suck when it comes to meeting people and generally say stupid things at first, but usually that is all it takes for a conversation to get started and I am fine after that.

 

There are ways to get better. You can join a club at school, just chit chat with people in your classes, go to local events, etc. I think a lot of your problems is becuase your social skills are lacking, and you just need to built them up, so that talking to girls becomes easier. I think that if you got more social you will see that interacting with girls will become easier for you..

 

I am curious tho, what part of Southern California do you live in? I am just asking becuase I live in the same area.

[Shadow25]

you feel bummed out, because you are negatively thinking.

 

You are either subconsciously thinking or knowingly thinking "damn these women are so hot, but I know I can't have them, I'm not good enough, I'm a wuss, I'm crap, i'm nothing, they'd never want me"...it's true, trust me...and women can sense that, they just can, you have to show you are confident, just by thinking confidently and positively, you can easily attract more attention from women, I'd also suggest that every time you go for lunch or you go shopping or something, you always go to a counter with a woman working there, and I suggest saying something as simple as "hey, how r you?" that's all...and instead of whinging that you've had a bad day, say "yeah, I'm great, so hows work been today" (open ended question)

 

just general chit chat like that will create confidence with you and women, they will notice and so will you.

 

Don't stress if a cute woman turns you down...just think "she's missing out..ahwell, her loss".

 

Anyway, I gotta head off to bed, wish you luck our their soldier

[AwdreeHpburn]

I think you feel that way because you have a self-esteem or confidence issue. You may be "positive minded" and not depresses, but sounds to me like you don't really have a lot of confidence....

 

....especially when it comes to matters of the opposite sex??

[Jayar]

As an attractive girl, I can tell you it ALWAYS made me feel GREAT when guys started conversations with me, or made it known they were interested. True, most of the time I wasn't interested in them and turned them down as nicely as I could... But then a few of those incidences turned into relationships of varying length and type. So what have you got to lose? Certainly not any more than any of the guys who approached ME did.

 

In any case just know that if she's worth her salt you have MADE HER DAY if you talk to her. If she acts rude or upset then she's got her own issues that have nothing to do with you.

[AwdreeHpburn]

As an attractive girl, I can tell you it ALWAYS made me feel GREAT when guys started conversations with me, or made it known they were interested. True, most of the time I wasn't interested in them and turned them down as nicely as I could... But then a few of those incidences turned into relationships of varying length and type. So what have you got to lose? Certainly not any more than any of the guys who approached ME did.

 

In any case just know that if she's worth her salt you have MADE HER DAY if you talk to her. If she acts rude or upset then she's got her own issues that have nothing to do with you.

 

I totally second all of that!!! 'Cept the "as an attractive girl" part.....

[atraceofblood]

haha I do have a lack of self-confidence when it comes to the opposite sex and attraction. I work with girls and I am very comfortable around them and it's easy to talk to them. But when it comes to girls that I somehow feel attracted to, it's the end of the world for me!

 

You are right when I think negatively. I do think that I am not worth it to them. It's probably because of my past and how I've been rejected everytime. I do want to get over this and want to know how I can do that.

 

One thing that I always have trouble with is, how would I approach and talk to a girl at school that I just see walking around or sitting down? And how would I keep a conversation going? I can't think of many things to talk about other than school, lol.

 

What do you all think?

 

Other than that I am still clueless as to why I get all bummed out. Even today as I left school I felt something missing inside and felt left out. I just have this urge to want to talk to these girls, but I also have an urge of feeling negative and hesistant about it.

 

to jarupa: I'm in Santa Barbara. And that girl I was talking about was a good distance away and turned the other way from that distance so I don't know how I could have said anything, lol.

[RufusDawes]

You need to approach girls and do it in a reckless manner. Don't worry about success fail as many times as you can in a short space of time and just keep trying to fail until you've failed so much that you reach your failure limit. Then success has to come as there is nothing left to do. You hit the nail right on the top of its apparatus when you said that you don't know any of them. Which is great because that way when you screw up it won't matter because its only a random stranger who thinks you're a jerk.

 

So my only advice to you is not to go out and give it a try but to go out and fail - which you will do.

[jurupa]

to jarupa: I'm in Santa Barbara. And that girl I was talking about was a good distance away and turned the other way from that distance so I don't know how I could have said anything, lol.

Your only like 130 or so miles north of me lol. I in Fullerton which is in Orange County. I was just asking becuase there seems a good number of people on here from Southern California. But as far as the girl I thought she was closer, oh well.

 

You do realize that you have some free tools right infront of you right? I am referring to the girls you talk to at work. Ask them for some help and I bet you will get your own personal teachers. Heck even ask them if they would like to go out as friends, and see if they can help you out. Most girls love to do such things. I am not saying to us ethe girls as actual tools, but more as a resource and people that are on the other side that can help you out.

[Shadow25]

how to work on your confidence...hmm, well, I'd suggest doing things you don't normally do.

 

I'm a jobless person (well, I work but thats for my martial arts training), I don't really get out much, except the days I work (twice a week :S), and I can't drive, because i'm still on my L plates and i'm 18 years old...I should be on my green P plates already. (In Australia).

So basically, I lack motivation, but I do find that when i do something out of the ordinary, something that I don't usually do, I feel a big confidence and motivation boost...heck the other day, I was thinking about the woman I like, and I thought...well, she's 10 years older than me..it doesnt matter if i'm mature or not, she doesnt want a boy with no life, so I felt this HUUUUGE boost of motivation (last tuesday to be exact) and I called a heap of jobs up, asking if there were any positions available, of course none did, but I tried anyway, and then I started doing my weight training again, and it was a really REALLY good workout (I'm a skinny kinda guy, I don't want to be bulky, but I don't want to see myself in the mirror and feel uncomfortable about myself...not that I should anyway, I'm not SUPER skinny), and now i've been doing weight training every 2nd day, and it's paying off, which is great, I'm doing something with my life other than sitting here at my computer playing games or listening to music or even browsing forums all day long...

Then the next day, I called up more jobs and asked those about positions vacant, still none, but ahwell.

I've also applied at those jobs.

 

I never had much motivation or confidence before I started working, but once I did start, I was getting out, I was socializing with people (mainly women), and I felt great, I feel great about that, I still need more motivation and confidence, but, it definitely paid off to do something I don't normally do, and so if you want confidence, you need to "Just do it" like Nike says.

 

As for talking to women, in terms of what to talk about, not approaching them, I can't help you out there, thats a problem I have aswell...the only advice I can give you is to get out and do more, thus giving you more things to discuss and having a better conversation. As for approaching them...I'll try and remember to get back to this post, as I have to go now.

[Muchachoz4]

Ok, so blood, it turns out that your problem is my problem lol. I Cant stress enough how much i know what your talking about, and it just makes me feel a little bit better knowing that Im not the only kid feeling like i have a hole in my stomach. It sucks. So, i guess im sort of looking for an answer while giving my advice to you. When I walk down the hall at my school, i see gorgeous girls, and I think....Im not confident enough to speak to them, so ill just walk right by, and think that ill never be able to talk to them...etc, and my advice to you, is do something if you ever get a chance, to grab their attention...like make a joke, or do someting that you can start a conversation up with for future reference.

 

I...I dunno, I was gonna say alot more, but i cant think straight, my problems are really messin with how im thinking, so just dont care what people think i guess....I hope you pull out of the whole "these girls are too good for me" thing, because its gonna make things even more miserable.

[atraceofblood]

I've pretty much failed every time I've tried so far in my life, but I still keep my head up.

 

The problem is I think about what you guys say like to keep failing or not care about what people think and stuff, and when I start to approach those scenarios, I start to crawl back into my old self with my worrying and stuff. It's like easy right now to think about not caring, but when the opportunity comes, it's been hard! LOL

 

anyways, I'm still wondering why I feel all left out and stuff? Do any of you feel this way?

 

Do any of you ever see a girl that attracts you and you look into her eyes, then feel something special out of that even though you don't know her at all?

[Shadow25]

it's perfectly normal what you are feeling atraceofblood, I wouldnt stress over it...

I know EXACTLY how you feel, when you say that you can think of doing all these things to improve yourself, but you have that little safe haven, that little slice of peace that you always crawl back into...I do it all the time..and so do many MANY other men, AND women, so don't feel left out and alone, like I said, it's perfectly normal.

However, it doesnt mean that it will just develop out of nowhere...you actually have to take action, and what I think is wrong is lack of motivation, it's my reasoning for not doing those things, I don't have the motivation, heck, I feel nervous, just going down the road, I feel nervous everytime I go into martial arts, I feel nervous whenever I do something I don't usually do...it's weird, it's SCARY, but it's something I will keep working on.

 

It's kindof weird to be motivated to do something to create motivation so you can do other things...because how can you do something to create motivation when you need motivation in the first place to do that certain something?...well, I've found that the only way is to force yourself out of your comfort zone..

 

Think of it like a muscle in your body...you can work the muscle over and over, it will get bigger gradually, but it will eventually tear...so you have to stretch that muscle, when you stretch that muscle, it relaxes, it broadens, and is thereforeeee much easier to develop, thus resulting in better results, quicker, and with no tearing.

So in other words...crawling back into your shell is what I'd consider working the muscle, staying in that shell and thinking about doing things is what I consider straining that muscle, until eventually, you've stayed in that shell for so long, it gets to you, and you tear the muscle, it's almost like breaking down, you feel like you will never succeed you feel like you'll never get anywhere, so you just have to let yourself heal, and what better way to do that, then to stretch your muscle, to go beyond what your comfort range is, and to expand your boundaries.

 

There is no EASY way to gain motivation, there is no EASY quick fix way to feel better when you see a girl. Instead of procrastinating over it, DO SOMETHING, do something that will make your insecurity into something that is more of a secure thing, develop it, evolve...that's what every living thing does in this world...it evolves.

 

So sit down, think about every single crappy negative about you, and then out loud, in speech, laugh...I'm serious, it's almost like making negatives into positives...I do it, and it works why? because I really do want it to work, because I know that if i sit there and think of negatives, and do nothing but cry over them...they'll just get worse....so why cry when you can laugh, why look down, when you can look up, why look at the dark alley, when you can look at the bright lit up street?...see what i'm saying...stop focusing on your negatives, and start looking at the positive side of everything, it will generallly give you a confidence boost, and make you a much more lovable, and better person, people notice confidence, and you will too, you will love confidence, and you'll look back at your old self and think "wow!...that was really me!...how much have I changed! I don't want to ever feel like that again!)...and you'll NEVER be like that again, unless you let yourself be like that.

 

I am telling you this, not because I like listening to myself..heck I don't even re-read what i've said, because i know what i'm saying and i'm saying it from EXPERIENCE, IT WORKS, and I'm just passing on some advice, because doing so makes me feel better, because I like helping people....

Do you like helping people? if you do, then do it alot, it'll make you feel better, more confident, and it WILL improve your social skills,...if you see someone new in school, and they look lost, scared, confused, and what not..make them feel welcome, tell them where whatever it is they are looking for...they'll see a good side of you, and you'll generally feel good afterwards.

Little things can make the largest improvements, so do things you don't normally do...if you are always at home, playing your computer, or games console....GET OUT for a day, go to the beach, if you're fat, or skinny, WHO CARES what other people at the beach think..even if there is a group of really gorgeous women laughing and having fun....don't feel down...smile, if they look your way, smile and wave...i'm serious!

I've done that once...(because I don't go to the beach much) and they smiled and waved back..of course they didn't know who I was, but then they were talking amongst themselves trying to figure out who I was...

 

When I say, something small can make a huge impact...I mean something as small as writing down what is good about you, what positive things you are, and thats what you should do...and your next post, tell us your positives, and also, tell us your negatives, but once you tell us your negatives, just laugh, throw them away, delete them from the post, and laugh it off, consider the thoughts as being stupid, and in your mind, they will be.

 

Keep at it, and eventually you'll become confident, motivated, and women will see that, it'll be like an aura around your body, and everyone can see it, it's like something that attracts people....hold on..yes I did say ATTRACT didn't I...and that's what you want to do, you see these cute girls, you are afraid to talk to them, you feel left out, but what about if you can attract these girls, have them want to come to you? hmmm, guess what!? you can, but you can't do it by sitting in your miserable little shell feeling sorry for yourself.

 

Take it easy, there are plenty of things on the internet on motivational hints and stuff aswell....GOOGLE is your friend!

[atraceofblood]

ok so advice aside, why do I feel this way? Does anyone else have an explanation or has anyone else felt this same way and figured out why? I'm still confused as to why I feel bummed. I can understand I need to work on things with my communication with girls, but I don't understand why I feel the way I mentioned.

[Shadow25]

well, it's because you see what you can't have...why do babies cry when you pull candy away from them? (so to speak).

They want it, but they can't have it.

 

I'm not saying you want these cute girls and CAN'T have them, but in your mind, you are like nearly every other guy out there who is shy, lacks confidence, insecure, etc...heck..even the smartest, the most confident, and the more secure guys out there feel bummed when it comes to women, why?

 

A simple little thing called doubt.

 

You could be a rocket scientist (intelligent), you could be the leader of the group of friends (social and a leader), you could be as fit as a fiddle (physically attractive and physically confident), you could have all these great traits about you, but everyone, EVERYONE on this planet has a thing called doubt.

 

You don't doubt that a woman would want to be with you, you DOUBT that you could be with them...they may actually want to be with you, they may be interested..they are cute, they have it all going for them...but they are a human being..what's to say they arent doubting themselves aswell ..maybe that's why they havent approached you, true?

 

(I bet when you answered that question, you came up with an excuse to doubt that it's true, or something similar)

You need to get rid of this horrible little feeling, you need to feel like you are a catch, look...I doubt that I'm an attractive guy, I doubt that I'm cool, I doubt that I'm a very great person...but that's only ME, my own thoughts, my own concience...tonight, at our martial arts leadership training class, we had to split into groups, and I was with 2 of the kids that I help train, and we all had to think of bad habits that we have...I knew I had them, I knew I had alot of them, and I tell you what, I really thought these kids were going to rip on me something fierce...because I was the older one, I was helping them out with this activity, I helped them think of some habits, and I felt left out...so I asked them to point out some things about me...they thought, but I knew that maybe they were afraid to tell me...and so I pointed out that things that arent really habits, but I can do...just so they know i'm fine with being told I have things wrong with me...I know I do, everyone does, like I said..we are humans, we all have emotion, and doubt is amongst our emotions, and so...they started being silly, and I told them to be serious, I said, I wouldnt get angry or anything, I wanted them to tell me a bad habit of mine...

Then I said ...tell me something bad about me...they really were thinking...but they couldnt...they were picking on each others bad habits, but they couldnt pick on any about me...

 

It made me realise, that no matter how much you doubt yourself, the other people and their thoughts on you are very different, unless you are obviously something, unless you deliberately stalk people or you deliberately and obnoxiously are rude, people won't realise the things you normally doubt about yourself.

 

Ask yourself this.

What do those cute girls know about you?

I'd say nothing..why? because you havent really talked to them, have you, they may want you to talk to them, they may want to get to know this mr mysterious shy guy, so why not introduce yourself?

 

There is no real DIRECT answer to your question, the answer lies in yourself, we can't read your mind...nobody can, just stop doubting yourself.

 

Funny thing is...I'm EXACTLY, the same, i have this very same problem, In fact, I feel worse when I see couples together...I keep wondering what it's like, they look so happy...and I feel like no matter how hard I try, I simply cannot be happy, I cannot find this gorgeous beautiful great woman who will feel the same way i feel about them, about me.

And honestly, I don't know for sure why it is that I feel this way...it's natural.

The only answer I can really give you, is that you are doubting yourself way too much. And you shouldnt, so DON'T...I do things right, and I think i do them wrong, that is doubt, so now, to work on that, I do what I think is right, and I stick to it...unfortunately, it's gone stupid and now when I think i'm right, I'm wrong..so it's not helping me much at all.

BUT, I have to push through that, it's a brick wall, we all face those brick walls...and we need to smash them, we need to blow them to bits, and push right on through those brick walls...if we try avoiding the brick walls..they'll eventually come back around to us and stop us again until we do smash them.

 

So stop doubting yourself, concentrate on what is good about you, forget about what you think..because you'll doubt yourself..the best way to fix this is to actually talk to these women, and that is why I say to be confident, and all of the other stuff I've said.

Nobody likes a cocky jerk, but nobody likes the boy who hides in the shadows in fear of the light, shadows are the negatives..get rid of them horrible things, and come out into the positive light, breathe in the fresh air, and go talk to those girls, rather than feel bummed because you THINK you are not worthy of their time.

 

I guess I don't know what else to say...this isn't something you can fix by talking about it...you actually have to physically do something about it..physically and verbally and mentally, you have to physically walk over to them, let them know you are confident, etc, you verbally have to show that confidence..and you need to talk to them, rather than stand there like a creep, and you have to get in your mind that you CAN have these women, if you just let yourself.

 

Stop doubting, start doing.

 

good luck