how to avoid the friend zone?

[sfindependent]

Hello! I've had several posts here already but I have a more interesting question...

 

Recently, me and my ex (just broke up 6 weeks ago) agreed to be friends. Of course, it was her desicion to be friends. I didnt want to be anything less than a couple right now, but she has other issues going on with her life. Two of the main reasons why she wanted a break up was her extreme difficulty in trusting me and that she wants to see other people. I cheated on her and had done some flirting that she found out about in the beginning of our relationship and throughout the relationship, had doubt brewing in the back of her mind. Mind you, we had really good times, but there always seemed to be a bad side of her that had distrust towards me and I can't blame her. She also has been seeing other people, one of which I know of. Although, she has vehemently denied anything has happened other than "kiss on the cheek" and i've seen it once happen myself at a show. Naturally, it kills me to know that what I have to offer isnt what she wants right now. for her, getting men's attention at bars and clubs and parties are what makes her feel good, whereas someone getting up at 7am halfdrunk to buy her bandages for a wound she received the previous night isnt as important or doesnt make her feel as good (i think).

 

Anyway, due to her issues and her problems at work,school, relationships,friends and family, she has been overwhelmed by it all. we have been talking evryday on the phone shooting the breeze (and arguments as well) and I think it makes her feel a lot better knowing someone here understands her as much as I do. I know that she loves being independent right now, no pressure of a BF to dictate her everymove. But I'm sitting here waiting (not literally, ive got work to do) for her next phone call. Also, due to her problems, since I care for her a lot, opted to stick around for her until she is ready for certain things like trust me (gained by friendship, or is that just wishful thinking?).

 

however, like today, she's going to see the guy she "kissed" on the cheek along with his band in a practice session. she told me about it and I acted like it was fine. But we've been playing phone tag all day and when we finally got through, she told me she'll call me later on tonight. I asked her what time and she responded "we're friends, I don't like telling you what time I'm going back". she was right. But I still felt like I was put into a corner by her statements.

 

my question is, I do want to be friends with her for now, and she knows that I want more out of it later on, to which she replied once "we'll never be together again" and once "let's just see what happens". I care a lot about her and her wellbeing, but I can't stand not knowing what and how I should act and behave in our given circumstance. I don't want to be cubby holed into the friendzone completely, only teeter totter in it for a while until she's ready to be in a relationship again. She also insists that she would never have a relationship again and that she will never trust ANYONE including me, completely since she got burnt (by me and by other men) so bad.

 

so how do you be a friend, but avoid the friendzone completely?

 

thanks!

[hosswhispra]

Read Diggity Doggs posts on this...he's got a pretty firm grip on this subject.

 

But since you cheated on her, I don't think her decision/feelings about you will change.

 

I advise going no contact on this one.

[venus777]

yeah, i kind of think that contacting her only will cause you more pain, because trying to get her to change her mind will only push her away. I recommend you think seriously about if you want to be with her and really believe it can work. If you think you do then give her space, tell her you are sure you want to be with her but understand she might need time and might not feel the same way and that you need to put space there between you to reflect on both sides about what you want.

give it time, if it's meant to be she will come back to you. if it's not then you will heal and move on.

[sfindependent]

we both don't want the no contact thing.there have been times when I would think that she would initiate it, after having a HUGE argument (this is AFTER we broke up) and end up calling me the next day. So its sooo confusing.

[Beec]

The key is that you make sure she stills sees you as a sexual creature, one that is sexually desirable and one with which some sexual tension exists. That is how to stay out of the friend zone. She cannot see you as someone who does not have balls and a penis that might have some desire to be in her. You can joke about it, but it needs to be there. She has to think that there is some danger in being alone with you, i.e. a danger that she might end up having sex. The level of risk can be low, because you have good self control, but it still needs to be there.

 

A person in the friendzone has been figuratively neutered. Don't let it happen to you.

[sfindependent]

i never thought of it that way...

 

i guess the second question is, she knows I don't want to be just friends and that I'm staying coz I want us to be something more again (she's my ex) but she limits my movements and advances to get her back into an "our" status and justifies her flirting and her partying with other guys and tells me about it sometimes and justifies that I shouldnt be mad since we're not together. I can't turn off my feelings like that just because we're not together u know?

[Beec]

i never thought of it that way...

 

i guess the second question is, she knows I don't want to be just friends and that I'm staying coz I want us to be something more again (she's my ex) but she limits my movements and advances to get her back into an "our" status and justifies her flirting and her partying with other guys and tells me about it sometimes and justifies that I shouldnt be mad since we're not together. I can't turn off my feelings like that just because we're not together u know?

 

So she treats you like crap, in some ways, and you tolerate it. Do you lay in front of the door with welcome written on your chest too?

 

You should act like the flirting does not bother you, in most cases, she does it to get a reraction, but at its worst you should not tolerate it. Leave her then and there, or something.

 

And note that she is trying to make herself more sexually valuable to you by making you jealous. Make fun of the guys she is going after to lessen that value. Make them seem like lesser men than you.

[brando]

or better yet tease her a little as she is doing it, and flirt with some women in front of her. This drives the point home that you have many many options.

 

The less she sees it bothers you, the better chances you have of being out of the friend zone.

[sfindependent]

eh... its weird, since, she calls me everyday, sounds so happy to share her stories, although sometimes not related to the relationship with me or with anyone, just blowing tish in the wind, raise my hopes up we're getting closer, then cuts me off by saying "... we're friends". Its like she's making a conscious effort to stop anything romantic or mushy from happening... ugh... maybe its just me talking. she just went out to the band's practice and is having dinner with 2 other guys one of which she's been spending a lot of time with... I try to believe the words she says but sometimes, I think I've become less important to her than what she says.. 'sides actions speaks louder than words.and thats what I damn feel like....