1 Year Since Break Up

[MessedUp]

Hey guys

 

im sure some of you remember me from earlier months...Well im back to vent and talk about what ive learned this past year and maybe get some more advice and feedback..

 

Well this september will be a year since the first girl I ever loved broke up with me and left me with such heartbreak..Im 21 and she was 17 and this was the first girl I ever loved and had feelings for and she left me...In the beginning I tried to get her back and chased her, promised I would change what was wrong in the relationship but still she resisted..In fact she then found a new man whom she loved..That crushed me even more..In April they broke up and she called me to comfort her..Like a fool i was there for her and offered support cause I really cared about her and I still loved her..We ended up seeing eachother for a week in April and it seemed like everything was turning my way and I could get her back but then again she left without a trace saying that she can never love me again..1 month later in May, my brother ran into her at a party and told her never to talk to me again..This made me upset and I blamed my brother a bit for what he did eventhough I knew he was looking out for me..So I havent had contact with her since April at all..

 

This is where I stand..A year later ive learned alot about myself and I've learned alot about relationships and love..I know that I have gotten better, but I dont think im over it yet...My appetite is back to normal, and I can focus again on work and school..I actually got an A in my summer class which was a surprise...BUT the thing is im still depressed over losing her and lately ive been really sad and missing her..I have no urge in contacting her because I know thats wrong so I have been able to maintain no contact...But theres still a big piece of me that still wants her back and misses her..I just feel frustrated because I feel like only after a year have I entered the acceptance stage of grief..Things dont interest me anymore like they use too..My friends call me to go out but that doesnt help..I registered at a gym but that hasnt helped..Im seeing a therapist and although it is comforting at times, it seems like its getting me no where..I feel that I am now at peace with myself but lately ive been very depressed, more so now then before because lately ive been missing her alot..The thoughts of her no longer control me like they use to but they are still there...I dont know why but I feel like this was the only girl that will make me happy.. I talk to other girls but they only remind me that there not my ex and that dissappoints me..IM STILL COMPARING EVERY GIRL TO MY EX..and now ive realized that they will never compare...

 

Whats wrong with me? Why arent I healing? Like it freaks me out that its been a year since the breakup and ive only gotten mildly better..The pain isnt as intense as it once was but its still there and I still miss her..Even though i know in my mind that the relationship is done and shes gone and i must move on, still i think about her...My doctor is putting me on a mild anti-depressant to kind of hold my emotions and I just feel like I will never totally get over this..I feel like im going to spend the rest of my life pinning for this girl and wishing that she was still with me..Even though she doesnt even care about me or even made any contact to be frriends..I just feel stuck..Other girls dont seem to interest me and it feels like this breakup is still fresh even though its been a year...Yes ive learned alot and i feel liek a better person but still the pain is there and i feel like I will never get over this..That this is a scar that I will carry forever and my days will never change...I mean a year is way too long to still think about the same girl..Thats just sad in my opinion..Ive tried my best to keep busy, i work alot and that helps, but i cant erase the thoughts of her and wonder if she was the only one for me..So far no girls compare and that scares me

 

Anyways, i know i sound depressing and im sorry if this discouraged anyone but i just want to be happy again..I dont wanna wake up and think about her anymore..I feel like im going to be lonely the rest of my life because all i want is her and i know i cant have her..

[gstylez07]

I can completely feel your pain my friend.

 

Just one year ago my ex girlfriend, the first girl I ever loved, broke up with me. Itried a few times to go to her house and talk with her but she shunned me away without any explanation other than "i just cant take you"... I was in a very dark place for months, feeling as if I had just lost all happiness that ever existed inside of me. I never thought it would end, I wason the brink of suicide. That break-up brought out a side of me that I never thought existed, a weakness im ashamed to show.

 

Eventually I was put on anti-depressants and dropped out of my school to avoid her... I have been working for my father and attaining my GED ever since. I have a few friends a new GF and I work out a couple times a week. Yet i still find myself getting very depressed and resorting to drugs.

I still think of my ex often though... and in a way i still miss her and hate hearing about the guys she hooks up with. She is a different person since her father died. I know we will never be togeather again, she isnt the same girl anymore and never will be. I'm still in a rut since she left me a year ago and i cant get out of it... sometimes i wonder if i ever will.

 

Imstill in love with a girl that left me over 12 months ago,and i wonder if i will ever find that same feeling again. So just know that your not the only one who feels this. And she cant be the only one girl for you. There must be something in our future that will make up for the losses we have beared.

[deejay74]

hey messed up! remember me? we had very similar situations.

 

i can totally relate with you. i have been trying to get over my ex for 8 months now, and our relationship only lasted 6!! i am not completely out of the woods either, in fact, over the weekend, i actually went deeper into the woods. check out what happened here:

 

 

it's great that you have been trying different things to help yourself. be proud of that. i think when it comes to people like us, we tend to fall in love very deeply and thereforeeee makes it hard to go through a break up. i think for you, part of the difficulty in moving on is that your ex was your first love. you will love again and although 1 year has passed and you have had minimal progress, it still is progress.

 

something that you may want to discuss with your therapist deals with abandonment issues. i only say this because i have them. i have been taking meds too and they've helped, but not completely.

 

i, like you, think about my ex everyday and i sometimes wish that movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" were real.

 

But know that there's nothing wrong with you. i am going through it too.

[beebee]

and i thought i was crazy!... you have all reiterated how i feel and my fear after all this time that i will never let him out of my mind...

 

yes... im eating, functioning, laughing at the appropriate moments, talking, walking... (you get the point)... but im empty inside... i miss him terribly and i also hate him for what he did to me... talk about going nuts!... i love him and hate him at the same time... so ok... im nuts... what else is new...

 

i will keep all of you in my prayers... please... whatever you do, dont be destructive by drinking or drugs or whatever... please... one thing i did learn was that they are NOT worth it... they dont even think of you anymore... you arent even in their hemisphere, when you once were... so dont waste any time on those thoughts... i think sometimes, how about i crash my car?... how about i take those pills?... Lordy Lordy Lord... thank God i get myself out of those thoughts... do you think he would care?... nah... maybe for a nanosecond... then he would be worrying about his new g/f... plus i have no health insurance... lol... i can thank him for that one...

 

sorry... just going off the beaten track here... God Bless...

[Zerohero]

I know its close to a year for me, and I still have some feeling for mine. I can't stand it either. But I've gotton alot better, and I'm still progressing. Just keep looking to the future.

[Orlander]

Sorry to hear about your continued difficulties Messedup and gstylez07. I recently celebrated my 1 year anniversary away from my ex...or what I would like to call my INDEPENDENCE DAY!!! YEAH!!! Oh, don't get me wrong...I loved my ex. I never knew anyone like her and was never loved by anyone like that before, or since.

 

However, sometimes you have to force yourself to understand that you ARE in the healing process and that it WILL get better. I know that my breakup was 50% her fault and 50% my fault and 50% of the pain I am feeling right now is because of my breakup with her and the other 50% is because of issues I have not directly related to her.

 

Ok, so I havent healed as much as I would have liked to by now, but hey...that's life. I'm trying and I feel more grateful for what I DO have right now than I ever have..and most of my problems before my breakup deal with not being grateful and taking life and what I had in my life, for granted.

 

We each are in a much better position for the next love if we take this time to work on the things that we need to work on and realize, have faith in the fact that we will love again...even if you are absolutely sure you will never find someone again...which is NOT logical. YOU WILL GO ON TO LOVE AGAIN!!!

 

Don't worry so much about the amount of time that has passed. Each day brings you closer to your real love.

 

 

Orlander

[MessedUp]

Thank you all for replying..Im sorry that most of us are still stuck on our ex's after so long..In a way its good to see that were not alone, but also it is kind of depressing lol...

 

Deejay its good to hear from you..I know were alot alike...As far as abandment issues, I dont think I really have any..I think this is all because I never experienced love before or even cared about anybody else that wasnt a family member..It was my first love and I just felt like it was going to last you know...

 

Orlander once again thank you for your words of wisdom and encouragement..You've always been there for me and I appreciate everything youve said...I hope your doing well

 

I guess im still hung up on the fact that she doesnt care at all about me and that bothers me more than the actual break up...it would be nice to hear from her but she doesnt even act like im alive anymore..Funny when she use to tell me that I was the only one for her and that she couldnt live without me...YEA RIGHT...Her birthdays coming up in the next 2 weeks and sometimes I wonder if I should send her an email or surprise her at work to see if anything at all has changed but then I stop myself...

 

Ugh i just want to stop thinking about her..I dont know if im doing good or not..What bothers me is that the break up is not fresh..ITS BEEN A YEAR, and I still go through what people go through at the beginning stages...Thats why I dont know if im doing anything right...Even the websites that help you are intended for people that just broke up with there partner..But for me the break up happened a long time ago..What do i do from here? Will i get better or am I just going to live my life day by day thinking about this girl and feeling bad that shes gone..I really have lost interest in everything because I feel like theres no point since shes gone..How do you go on when you still love someone that doesnt even love you back?

[deejay74]

Hey messedup, the first love is usually one of the hardest ones to get over. i've been there and it seems like i am here once again. my ex was my 2nd love, perhaps my 1st TRUE love??

 

feeling like your ex doesn't care about you has got to be one of the worst feelings and i know exactly how you feel. my ex treats me the same way. sometimes i wonder if it is a defense mechanism for them, to "seem" like they don't care. i guess for some people, it's easier for them to just not deal with it than to actually deal. since i am not that way, it's hard for me to understand. i try to be understanding but there are some things i can't.

 

try to be a bit easier on yourself and try to be more patient. I am trying myself. maybe we're trying too hard to get over our exes.

 

listen, we have no choice but to keep trying to move on. i am sure this won't last forever, it can't! what else is left if we don't try to keep pushing ahead?

[Zerohero]

It is true that the (dumper) will be cruel sometimes as a way for them to try and get over you. Just remember they probably had it in their mind long before they dump you. Probably a good week to prepare.

 

It sucks, and it still sometimes does hurt, but don't fret. There are millions of other people (females) out there , it's hightly possible more than a few of them are compatable with you.

[MessedUp]

Thanks Deejay and Zerohero...I guess we are putting too much pressure on ourselves to move on deejay...it just sucks when you know the other person doesnt care or feel any pain but your still here thinking about them..And it doesnt help when friends and family ask if im still thinking about the same problem for a year...They just laugh and tell me im taking too long to heal and I should be over it already..Thats what bothers me the most..Knowing that its been a year and she got over me within weeks..Like the relationship isnt fresh...It just seems silly to say that your thinking about a person that dumped you last year you know

[ataurusguy]

Hey messed up,

getting over our ex is a process, the duration of which is different, depending on the individual and the nature of the relationship. My ex sahttered my world over 8 months ago after being together for 3 1/2 years, and I am still trying to gather the remaining shards of myself. Others, however, seem to not percieve events so dramatically and simply shed their memories like rotting snake skins that have run their course. This is what people like us should be doing aswell. My friend, dispose of everything that reminds you of her, no matter how difficult this may be. Do not keep anything and by the end, you will have scratched the surface of cathrsis. Let me explain; functional gifts, like that stereo she may have bought you...take a sledgehammer to it and purchase your own. Letters and such...burn them and witness the lies turn to ash. Photographs are something that you must destroy, as they act as cues which resurect memories that should truly be burried. People think i am unsensitive for not keeping even a single picture, but does that mean that human kind was insensitive before the age of photography. i don't think so. Another suggestion for you, and take no offense to this my friend, is to immediately stop taking this "mild" antidepressant that you are on. For all intensive purposes, i require such medication as well, but i refuse. Our souls have been hurt by not having been reciprocated with the love we would have wanted from our ex. that is all. if you want to label this a chemical imballance...to each his own. i have a strong background in psychology, applied and theoretical, which i have abandoned for reasons which are out of the scope of this post, but the truth is thus: the rise of psychology in all its applications, including therapy and psychopharmacology coincide very neatly with the steady decline of religion and the progressive deterioration of the family unit. Instead of confessing to the priest or having a heart to heart with an honest loved one, we are now confessing to the therapist (and his alleigance is to pfeizer). Only we, with time as our ally, will be able to heal the wounds we incurred. I apologize if my views are offensive to the ideologies of others. be well and forget about her, as she did you.

[RANKANDFILE]

I relate 100 percent. 100.

 

I will not for one moment deny that I don't know exactly what you're feeling. It's a terrible thing to go through. There is a concept out there that involves creating what you NEED in your life...that everything happening to you is the lesson you have created for yourself to learn...i.e. who you unconsciously picked and fell in love with, let your walls down for, and ultimately were crushed by. It can be helpful to turn back the focus on yourself because breakups only crush those who have development left to do in finding themselves and building their self-esteem, the career they've neglected, the goals they've dropped. It is entirely too easy to zone in on someone else and their ability to make you happy...and we have a lot of programming in life about needing to be with someone. I love companionship as much as the next person, but think about what it will take to stay in a committed relationship with someone, over a marriage of years, who is capable of leaving you behind like this!

 

I feel everything y'all feel and have been going through it today too. I work with the ex. It's painful. I don't have the luxury of "out of sight, out of mind." So, I am consistently addicted to having some familiar contact and it usually leaves me wanting more and somewhat down.

 

The reality that we face is that there has to come a point where acceptance of how things have transpired is key. Even if you still wanted to work things out, it's important to accept how things happened. And even if they are never to work out again, our challenge is to accept that there had to be factors at play that we weren't even aware of: someone else's inability to love at our level, someone else's inability to forgive, someone else's lack of honesty about their love commitment. We also have to take responsibility for who we were in the relationship...how we broke our word, how we communicated, how we served our partners etc. etc. Responsibility is not a 50-50 game like people usually think. It is being 100 percent responsible for yourself and your side of the street and not worrying about their side. We're always bargaining and looking for justice/fairness, but it doesn't work that way.

 

All of the talk about substance abuse and drinking etc is another example of needing to get your life squared away and know that those things have filled holes/voids for you. You NEVER feel good the next day. You DON'T get anything positive out of it other than some late night communication with other people or even strangers. The reality is that you are hurting yourself because you're in pain and many, many people out there do that, but they're not yet evolved to the point where they'll take the difficult in control road versus the easy, destructive one. Believe me, going out and tying one on is the quickest way to forget and the hardest emotionally when it comes back to get you. You'll keep doing it until you realize that lesson.

 

I think, for anyone, the final healing will take place when you've exhausted yourself loving someone and not getting what you need back. It will get to the point where your hope and your fantasy bears no return and the only thing left over will be THE REAL ADDICTION...to the idea that it's NOT FAIR. In so many ways human beings seem to be more addicted to that one complaint than to actually choosing something they can have and something that is good for them. The "one that got away" is there to entice you back into the sorrow.

 

I am no guru. In fact, I just awoke from my millionth dream about HER and they always leave me RAW. I ask why must i Keep going through this. Why why? The reality is that it's going to keep taking as much time as it will take, but I have to keep my head up. Life is not happening to hurt me. Life is happening and my reactions to it are the only thing that I have to live with. While it's painful and often tempting to stay in the rut, I also am always looking for what it will take to fill the holes/voids and begin anew. If she ever comes back, great. We'll see what happens. In the meantime...keep going. It's the only good choice and the only real one.

 

So, let's all rejoice in good health and accept that life and love may not be what we wished it was right now, but we won't give anyone the satisfaction of destroying our joy and our appreciation of life. I'm not gonna preach about taking up hobbies and staying busy and all that. I know that you can do all those things and still feel empty without someone who increased the light in your days, but I do know that the person you want isn't there and is potentially NOT COMING BACK. So, what will work for you? Who are you? Who were you before this person arrived? And...most importantly...on this circus ride called "life," are you going to be the person who tackles it head on and takes what you get/choose or are you going to give up? If you say, "give up, it's the littlest, most inconsequential inner being in you trying to tell you you're not good enough-- usually the byproduct of a parent or an incident that hurt you in the past. You can't live that way. Go forward. Embrace the pain. Accept that it's been a year or whatever it's been and do things differently. The definition of isanity is...doing things the way you always do them and expecting different results. Change that up from the inside out. Life is hard enough without you beating yourself up from within.

 

Wishing you all the best. Your posts made me feel good!

 

If you're going through hell...keep going.-- Winston Churchill.

[Orlander]

Awesome post, Rank. I had to read it twice.

 

Might I add that it is impossible to love someone again if we do not learn first to love ourselves again.

 

 

Orlander

[MessedUp]

Thank you ataurusguy and RANKANDFILE...your posts truly brought alot of wisdom and strength to me..I appreciate you guys taking the time out to write those words...

 

I really have learned alot about myself and my life and what I want for my future..I try my best to take care of myself and I know the medication is a weak way out but I dont know..I keep having those impulsive thoughts of how good things were with her and how I miss her now...

 

I guess my real question is it okay to still be thinking and missing her after a year has passed and the breakup is no longer recent/fresh? I mean people laugh when I tell them that I miss a girl that dumped me a year ago..Thats why I feel that its been soo long and im still not over her, that this thing will last forever..I feel like I will continue to carry this scar for the rest of my life and this has seriously jepordized my life you know what I mean..I keep hearing time is the key answer, but a year is too long to be thinking and missing the same person..Especially when you know the other person doesnt think of you at all..Thats the worst feeling and part of my whole ordeal..

[RANKANDFILE]

I hear that it's all about truly letting go. Seeing that and doing it are the really tough parts. Who knows? I will say, however, that there is no time table on things. Accept the pain and don't try and bury it. Be with it. It sucks. When you're ready, you'll stop hurting yourself. In the meantime, don't get too attached on having to have her or be with SOMEONE. Maybe you don't need that. Or maybe you need that so badly that this keeps stinging...cause you're not okay with yourself alone. I'm sure you've heard everything under the sun. One person I would contact on her is a guy who uses the name Relationship Coach. Total stud. Message him and ask for his advice. He's right on.

[desertnomad]

I agree with Orlander that was a great post. I have read it many times already.

[LONESOUL]

Good posts on this site, thank you to the posters...very inspiring very helpful.

[GottaLetItBurn]

Man I feel your pain, it's horrible to carry around the pain for so long. It's been a year for me also, and I broke down about two months ago because this depression just hit me.

 

For me, I just find myself thinking of something funny and wanting to share it with her on the phone. Then it hits me that we don't talk anymore, we are not close, it's just saddens me.

 

You could go to a doctor and see if they can get you a therapist. I am seeing one right now and it helps. You get to ask a lot of questions and be comforted about why you aren't over them yet. Since it's been a year for me too then I think that you could be exactly where I am. I have not seen her since last August, and told her I was to busy to hang out. Still I have only healed about 80%.

 

Start talking to people around you too. It will help you.