possible to stay as friends when he/she cheated?

[ally87]

I was just wondering if it's really possible to stay friends with an ex of yours who cheated on you (and being the cause of your break- up)?

 

I'm curious. Because my boyfriend and his ex are friends... He told me that she hurt him by sleeping with someone else. She told him about it and he got heartbroken, but they still managed to stay together... for 4 months. And then she broke up with him because she had feelings for someone else.

 

I would've never established a friendship with an ex who cheated on me... It's like having a "friend" who doesn't have respect for you.

 

I think it's still weird that my bf's friends with his ex. They weren't even friends before they got together. I'm worried that he might be clinging to her in some way... I don't know.

 

What do you think?

[RayKay]

I couldn't do it. If they had no respect for me as partners, I don't see how they would have much respect as friends (nor would I respect them very much anymore!).

 

I have an ex whom remained friends with a girl whom cheated on him too....he had thought she was the "one" until she cheated (as she had done with EVERY man she had ever been with before, and after). When we met he said he "hated her" now, but at the same time was open to being friends with her when she contacted him...I found it rather toxic and I think was a big red flag I ignored. Not that he was friends with an ex, but that he seemed to hold tightly onto an ex whom had cheated, and that his "hate" was almost forced, as his actions did not match.

[n83]

My son's dad cheated on me -- while I was pregnant -- and we are friends now. I have also been cheated on by other boyfriends, and also remained friends with them. I think I was able to do this because I knew the relationship wasn't working out anyways, so there wasn't a point to getting mad about it. I know that it might seem that anyone who cheats on you doesn't respect you, but I honestly don't necessarily believe that at all. Some exes that cheated on me have turned out to be wonderful and trustworthy friends, even though I'm sure some would disagree, or this may be the exception! I have realized that in my son's father's case, his friendship is more important to me because we are both parents to our beautiful son. He has been a wonderful friend to me, helps me out any time I need it whether it has anything to do with our son or not, and has been supportive of my parenting decisions ...

 

However, in your specific case, it is important to understand whether or not he still has feelings for her. If your instincts are telling you that, it is more than a possibility. What do YOU think? And if you do think he has feelings for her, what has he done or said to make you feel that way?

[lunatic]

Well my ex cheated on me and I caught her in the act. She was actually in bed with this fool when I walked into the apartment. I stayed there with her for over 2 years after that incident. I have learned a few things that I would like to share about cheating and being cheated on.

 

1. You will never trust that person again. There will always be a thought in your mind about what they are doing when your not around.

2. There is no way a person who had someone cheat on them could ever be friends after that event. I still don't know how I stayed with her even though I knew it was basically over. If she cannot respect him then how in the world can she respect him now. To me if he was friends with her then he does have some issues he needs to resolve.

3. I should have left her that day but, no I stayed because I have a fear of being alone for the rest of my life. So what I can say is that this man is still holding on to her because he still wants to be with her or hurt her like she did to him. Either way this is not healthy for either of you. I think you need to talk to him and decide whether or not you can handle this issue in your relationship. Remember hun this is about you TOO and it is not selfish to think about you in this matter if it bothers you that much.

[Beec]

I couldn't, and I might agree with hubman but it really depends on the situation and the people. Cheating is betrayal, and while some can get over it, most cannot. Been cheated once, that I know of, and many years later the idea of revenge is still intriguing, but it won't happen.

 

But him being "friends" with her is not him getting over it either. It can be him saying that he is fine with some kind of relationship with her, but not one that invovles them being "in a relationship."

[ally87]

I couldn't do it. If they had no respect for me as partners, I don't see how they would have much respect as friends (nor would I respect them very much anymore!).

 

I have an ex whom remained friends with a girl whom cheated on him too....he had thought she was the "one" until she cheated (as she had done with EVERY man she had ever been with before, and after). When we met he said he "hated her" now, but at the same time was open to being friends with her when she contacted him...I found it rather toxic and I think was a big red flag I ignored. Not that he was friends with an ex, but that he seemed to hold tightly onto an ex whom had cheated, and that his "hate" was almost forced, as his actions did not match.

 

Well, I brought this issue up and he said that I have to stop looking back. That "past is past". I guess he's the type of person who easily forgives people, I don't know.

 

I don't think he hates her or hated her back then (she cheated on him 2 years ago). He talked a lot about her before he and I got together. About how much she hurt him, how much he loved her/ was inlove with her. And I think that he still has feelings for her even though he's stopped talking about her...

 

But is it really possible to have feelings for an ex of yours who cheated and broke up with you even though it was 2 years ago? He's with me now but I can't his ex out of my system because of the impression he gave me before we got together... About what he felt about her :S

[locolady]

i thought i'd try to reply to this as i am basically in the position of your boyfriend. I went out with my ex for 4 years and he cheated on me thus ending the relationship. I have been absolutely gutted for the last year, i talk about him all the time and i maintain some contact.

 

I dont think its at all healthy to maintain contact with someone who has hurt you so badly - i am happiest when we do not speak but something keeps me coming back to him. I still need him in my life - and am not prepared to let him go entirely yet - im afraid in my opinion it might be the same for your boyfriend. I desperately try to convince myslef that i just want to be friends with him since it seems a shame not to be after all the good times we shared. But in all honesty i long to be with him - i am longing for somehting that simply cannot work yet i cannot stop wishing it would do!

 

I started to see someone else since but that ended when he couldnt stand me talking about my ex so much - i am not over him and i dont think i will be until i can bare to end all contact for good. I spend so much time thinking about making him miss me, about how he perceives me and my actions etc etc.....because he cheated on me, i feel so worhtless - i think i am holding on in desperation to do something to re-gain his approval and respect. I wonder if your boyfriend might be a little similar. If they remain friends, she has to see how happy he is now, that he has moved on etc - thereforeeee even if he hasnt it might be him trying to show her he has.

 

I hope this isnt too negative - its just how i feel so thought it might provide a useful perspective. as you say your guy may just be more forgiving and able to see the value of a friendship since they shared good times. Im fully expecting my ex not to speak to me anymore once he has a new relationship though as i cant see us ever being "just friends." It meant too much and it caused too much pain. My exs choice is no contact....because he genuinely is over me. I dont know if that says it all. Good luck...

[ally87]

That's harsh! But great to hear that you remained friends

 

My bf and his ex, which he now calls "my friend" are not actually best friends but it bothers me that he occasionally goes out with her and her girlfriends.

 

she sometimes calls him to ask him to help her with a guy problem ++ and I know a couple of times where they've met and just hung out together (like for example, watching a football match together).

 

I also remember that he called her after he and I got into a fight. And he told him stuff about our relationship. He says that it wasn't a big deal, that she's just a friend. I didn't react right away when he told me he told her about our issues. I've held back my resentment since then...

 

And he told me that he told her that I was jealous of her...!! Well, I kind of am, but he still didn't have to tell her that! and once again, I didn't react. I didn't want to over-dramatize anything. The reason why my bf told her that I was jealous was to reassure me that I didn't have anything to worry about when it comes to their friendship, that he's not hiding anything. She has a new boyfriend too now.

 

When he told her that I was jealous of her, she said that's so cute! She wants you all for herself!"

 

I honestly don't know what my instincts are telling me. I'm just confused and worried. And jealous. He told me that he's completely over her, that the reason he's still friends with her is because they're not stuck in the past. He seems to have forgiven her, and she wants to remain friends with him.

 

In the beginning of our relationship he still had stuff from when they were together in his bedroom- a postcard on the wall, pictures of her in his card holder..! Pictures of them together on his laptop- until I confessed to him 8 months later that it bothered me that he still had her stuff.

 

He told me that it was a way for him to "heal" after she cheated on him, but that he's actually forgotten about those stuff. But he said that he's going to put those stuff away since it bothered me. I was okay with that.

 

But I honestly weren't "safe" with that, so I snooped on his e-mail account and some of his profiles (friendset, hi5) and saw that he still had a couple of old e-mails from her and a draft (before we got together)he didn't managed to send her. And I saw that he named her "baby_princess" on his msn contacts (info page... you know, one of those quick names when you add someone as your contact).

 

And then i found out that he still had his ex's name as password on both of his profiles. I got really upset but didn't tell him because I didn't want him to know that I was snooping..

 

Up till after 10 months of being together, I saw that he (finally!) changed his password to MY name...

 

And then a couple of months ago when I was alone at his house with his mom (he was at work), his mom told me to find some candles in his drawer. I opened his desk drawer, I pulled out a stack of letters and papers, and then I saw the postcard he told me he was going to put way... And the 3 pictures of her... I got upset again, because he could easily pull them up anytime when he felt like it....

 

I told him about it and then he said "alright, I'll put them away in a place where the sun doesn't shine on them!"

 

Anyway, these are most of the stuff he's done/I've found out that tells me he still has feelings for her. Especially after I found those stuff in a highly accessible place. I just felt like he hasn't really gotten over her...

[ally87]

Sorry to hear about that!

 

I now think I should talk seriously about this to him. That I don't want to ruin our relationship because of me worrying about his ex and his feelings for her.... I have to let it all out, I've been resentful for such a long time!

 

Thanks for your feedback

[ally87]

I couldn't, and I might agree with hubman but it really depends on the situation and the people. Cheating is betrayal, and while some can get over it, most cannot. Been cheated once, that I know of, and many years later the idea of revenge is still intriguing, but it won't happen.

 

But him being "friends" with her is not him getting over it either. It can be him saying that he is fine with some kind of relationship with her, but not one that invovles them being "in a relationship."

 

Thanks

 

I've been resentful during me and my bf's 1 and a half year long relationship.

 

I feel like I'm dragging us both and relationship down because of my worries.

 

He's an amazing boyfriend, it's just the "ex-issue" that bothers me a lot.

 

I just can't find a logical explanation to WHY he's still friends with her. They weren't even friends before they got together. And they were only together for 10 months (lots of ups and downs).

 

I just don't get....

[Beec]

You're welcome.

 

I've been friends with exes in a few cases. In only one did we ever get back together. But she never cheated on me. However, there are plenty of people who deal with an ex who has cheated on them. He gives you no sign that he is interested, and her comments seem to support the idea that nothing is going on. You wouldn't go to talk about one relationship with the person you are cheating with, would you? (Don't know, haven't cheated).

[n83]

I think he is definitely crossing a line discussing the two of you with his ex. Out of curiosity, when he does things that upset you, why don't you talk about it?! You're so afraid to rock the boat with him, but either you can communicate with him or you can't. You're telling complete strangers (us.. even tho we rock about your relationship problems but you're not telling your own bf??

 

I think you need to sit down with him and have a serious talk. Sorry if any of my rant sounded harsh, I didn't mean it to sound like that but I sure do hope you can unload some of those upsetting things.

[Donster]

What an interesting thread. I sincerely believe that infidelity can be overcome, whether you are in a relatinship with the person , or not any more. Infidelity is just the act, and people get fixated on the act. But deep underneath the act, there is always something else.

 

From the point of view of a long term relationship, there are always other underlying issues, and infidelity is just a manifestation of these other issues. If you take the sex out of the equation, there is always something else happening.

 

In a lot of cases, the infidelity serves as a wakeup call, to call attention to these underlying issues.

 

In terms of staying friends with an ex, when there has been infidelity...I think the infidelity can be overlooked, as long as some of the underlying issues are taken care of. Two can still love each other, but also understand that they cant be with each other. And it's that love that remains that allows a broken-up couple to morph from couple to friends. But it's not easy to do, and definitely not for everyone!

[zipacna2006]

...I found it rather toxic and I think was a big red flag I ignored. Not that he was friends with an ex, but that he seemed to hold tightly onto an ex whom had cheated, and that his "hate" was almost forced, as his actions did not match.

 

 

Right on the money. I am dealing with a smiliar issue in my current relationship. You hear about how she hates him, etc, but she'll call to see how he's doing. Can't be a good thing, can it?