NC for the right outcome

[beck24]

So here's my story.

 

My first "real" relationship started my first year at college. For 3 1/2 years we had a great relationship: no fights, great communication, a deep connection. At around 3 1/4 yrs, I started to get depressed. It runs in my family. I started losing interest in the things I normally cared about. I was very nervous about my future and what would happen with me after college. So I broke up with her in March '06 and told her I needed a "diet" relationship. I was afraid that the end of college would be the end of us and I wanted her to be prepared for that. I know I broke her heart. We still hung out and talked alot. Summer came and I moved back home for a couple months though we saw each other every couple weeks during that time. To deal with the breakup, she went out and partied and socialized with her friends a lot.

 

It's now the end of August and I'm being treated for depression and things are looking good. I'm not worried about what life after college is gonna be like. I've moved back up to my college town to finish school and she's up here to and finishes in Dec but will be around until July probably. I'll be here until August. I'm 23 and she's 22.

 

I want her back. We had such a smooth sailing relationship for so long, it makes me think that she could be the one. However, i've given her the support to get up and enjoy single life and now she doesn't want a relationship though she still wants me to be a part of her life. She still has strong feelings for me but she just needs some time to herself. She says she may want to see other people which when we had that conversation over the summer it was cool because I felt differently but now I'm afraid that once that happens, it'll be all over. But she also says she just doesn't want a relationship so perhaps nothing will happen. She needs time to figure out what she is going to do with her life. So really the tables have turned and I'm where she was in March. We're both at that awkward stage where we are looking out into the future past college and need to figure out where we wanna go and who's coming with. Sure it's our first relationship and I'm aware of all the downsides of this, but at the same time, I shouldn't discredit it because I got a lucky first shot. We really have had a wonderful time together. The only bump was when I was having emotional problems and didn't have the energy for a relationship. I was thinking about other people too but eventually it just made me realize how special she was.

 

So now I've decided to do NC otherwise I'll just screw things up since I'm an emotiona wreck. I'm surprised she didn't do it to me but I guess we'd never really heard about it until I started looking around on the internet for help. I'm going to talk to her tonight or tomorrow about it. She's enjoyed the single life with me hanging out for too long. She needs to know what single life is REALLY like. We've been great friends this whole time and the breakup was very amicable so I am hopeful but I can also see how she just wants to be free because she never had much freedom in high school due to her parents (but her parents like me and mine like her). I completely understand where she's at in her life. I know she won't be happy about NC but the right thing isn't going to happen with me hanging around. I'm just causing her more stress and I'm hurting her by constantly reminding her how much I'm hurt. She said she's even afraid to call me at night because she just wants to be able to go to bed without any drama.

 

All I can do now is wait. She knows how I feel. I can't force her to make a decision. I had previously invited her to a concert and would still like to go with her. It's Sept 13th. I would like to do NC until then and continue NC after that. So I'd just have one day where I cheated. I'm not expecting anything to happen by then. In fact, if she did say she wanted to get back together, I'd be a little wary of a hasty decision. Do you think that the concert is a wise idea? If I felt like I was gonna be an emotional wreck at the show, I'd call it off and get another friend to go. She will also have that same option. Otherwise, I'd just want it to be a good time. We've had some great times without either of us getting all emotional since I've been back in my college town, so I don't think it will be a challenge to just stay cool and enjoy the show. We still get along great and enjoy each other's company. What do you think?

[beck24]

Yeah I did a google search and found my way here. I read your post and was like "whoa! i know what that is like!" I felt really good to know that there's someone who I can relate to but i guess that why this forum has its name

 

Good luck and stay strong. Your story has certainly helped me. But I still have to confront my ex about NC since we're still such good friends i'd be kinda rude to just start ignoring her without explaining why. Hopefully she'll want to talk tonight. The sooner the better. I'll feel so much better once I get it out of my system. It'll still be lonely.

[beck24]

I read all of that one really long post that had "no more" in the title. can't remember exact name.

 

I told her about no contact tonight. I'm too tired to talk about it now but I'll get into it tomorrow. She said she still wants to go to the concert with me. We cried a lot. We have no negative feelings toward each other. She said she still loved me etc etc. She just said "this is the one time in my life where i have to be selfish." i understand she needs to figure some stuff out. i need to give her space to do that. it would be easier if i had a reason to hate her but all that's there is love.

[Lealing]

Hi Beck24!

 

Yes, you are right to give your ex some space. Do the NC thing with a view to healing yourself but don't get your hopes up high that it will get you two back together again. I personally don't believe in the NC thing so keep LC with my ex only when he contacts me do I reply. However, each situation is different for everyone and you might decide that NC is the best way to go.

 

Lealing

[beck24]

Well unfortunately she seems like she wants to see other people so NC is probably to best way to go for that. It will be a while before any of that happens. I wish there was a reason for me to move on. There's nothing wrong between us. I understand she needs some space to grow but in my head I can't think of a reason for her not to return. I mean, I'm the coolest guy in the world so anyone else she dates isn't going to be what she wants. It feels like romantic blasphemy to say that we couldn't get back together some time. We had such a wonderful thing. Why should it die? I just know I'm going to be hopeful for the longest time. All I can do is to try and stop caring.

 

There are no hard feelings. There are still plenty of good feelings for each other. That's why this feels so weird.

[Lealing]

Hi Beck,

 

I know how you feel. My ex and I also had a wonderful relationship. We got on so well together and enjoyed each others company. I never imagined that he would end the relationship after living together for 8 years. But the relationship is over so I have to try and cope and do the best I can without him. Although in my heart I still hold a little hope that we may get back together again but I'm not going to hold on to that hope too much. Keep yourself busy and try to move on with your life.

[beck24]

Well after talking to my mom and my brother about all this, I decided that "no-contact" was a bit extreme. To me, I see it as a method to prevent further damage to an already damaged relationship. For us, there were never any problems. She just doesn't love me %100 anymore but she still enjoys hanging out with me. There's no reason why we can't be friends except for the fact that I was being weak and making a mess everytime we hung out. Instead, I'm going to do "no contact" for a couple weeks so I can settle in with my medication (which has a common side effect of anxiety, not helping matters),get my own social network going, and get into a routine with school. We'll go to that concert together and have a great time. After that, maybe another couple of weeks of NC, even if I'm ready to hang out again. But the principles of NC still have great validity.

 

I'm not ever going to bring up the relationship unless she does.

 

I will concentrate on having fun. In the future, I have to make sure every time we hang out, is a good time.

 

I have to move on.

 

I have to reject her sometimes too. Don't take every chance to hang out.

 

I can't be jealous if someone new enters the scene. I want this to happen. It shows she has her space and is using it. If it's meant to be, she won't have as much fun with someone else anway, right? But she has to discover this herself.

 

Be patient

 

These are just some of the things my brother talked to me about. My brother and his wife were in a very similar situation as mine. They were graduating college had been dating for a bit and didn't know what they wanted. They split up and did their own things for a while. They weren't secretly trying to get back together or anything. Eventually they started hanging out again and were having a lot of fun. They started dating and did that for 3 yrs and now they're married. So there are success stories. But in the meantime, you just have to cool down and go out and have fun. His wife is gonna give me the female perspective later on today i think.

 

So yeah I'm still hopeful but I can't let that consume my thoughts. Perhaps I will discover someone else in the meantime that'll make me change my mind. But no matter what, getting back together is not going to happen overnight. I think it was 6 months in my brother's case. For me, this girl is probably going to have to break my heart twice to get me to go away. I think she's worth it. But in the meantime, I can't try anything. Just have to be cool and not care about her. I can't even think about getting her back. HAVE FUN

 

If this isn't a message from God I dunno what is. I have a big goofy Great Dane and yesterday a butterfly landed on her nose while we were outside. It then flew to her back. I went inside to get the camera and when I came back it was on the railing. I pushed it hoping it would go back to sit on my dog but it just flew away completely.

I'm the dog and she's the butterfly. It shows the stages of our relationship. It doesn't say that we'll get back together but it shows that if I push that won't happen.

[Lealing]

Wise words Beck. I think that it's ok for you to have ocasional contact with your ex as long as it's not too excessive. But at the same time have fun and enjoy your life rather than sitting on the fence waiting for her to come back to you. I'm trying to do the same thing as you. Be patient with my ex and not push him. I think that there is a chance we could get back together as the love between us is very strong. However, I have to accept the fact that we may never get back together again so should continue with my life rather than just sit and wait. It doesn't mean that I have to date other people yet. I don't think that I am ready to date new people yet. But just hang out with my friends and family and try to make the most of what I have in my life.

[beck24]

Well I'm not so sure if you should break NC. For me it's a different situation since we still live in the same town. I even bumped into her downtown last night and we said hi and she gave me a friendly hug. We're even going to sell some of our college football tickets together. So NC has already been broken but we're still doing low-contact for a while. I just have to focus on making those encounters as pleasant and fun as possible and don't talk about the relationship or anything of that sort. I dunno what to say about your situation Viper. What would you expect to happen if you called her or IMed her? I don't think much good could come of it.

[Rosey]

The thing is, from what I've read it sounds like you were the one to initiate the breakup, so it's possible that on some level even if she is interested, she would be cautious for fear of you changing your mind. Not suggesting that you make any declarations of undying love or anything, but something to keep in mind. Fear of pain a second time around can be enough for the brain to want to shut off the possibility of getting back together again altogether, regardless of what the heart wants. It sounds like she is giving herself the opportunity to build her own self and strength etc.

 

I was going to break n/c just now, but realised 2 paragraphs into the email that actually I had no idea what to say!

[beck24]

Yeah I realize she is probably on the defensive too. But she also says her love for me is not 100% anymore. This is her last semester so she really has a lot to think about. Grad school? Move back to home town? Go to NY? Stay in college town? etc etc. Her plate is full. I have to be patient. Maybe after Dec. she will have enough time to figure some of these things out. In the meantime, she needs to miss me

[beck24]

K we're going to go to a concert together on Sept. 13th. I know that's a ways away but I was thinking about this now. After the concert's over, should I say I'll call her or tell her to call me? I guess it doesn't matter too much.

 

I say I'll call her. Then I could wait another couple weeks before I call her and by that time hopefully she'll be wanting me to call. It'll make her think while she's waiting.

 

I tell her to call me when she wants to hangout. She probably won't like this as much. I know she will call me to hangout since we're still good friends, but perhaps I could kindly reject her invitation

 

Whatdya think?

[majord23]

So I broke up with her in March '06 and told her I needed a "diet" relationship..

 

There's nothing wrong between us. I understand she needs some space to grow but in my head I can't think of a reason for her not to return.

 

I can, and you typed it.

[beck24]

yeah very true. but i was going through depression at that point so maybe it's pardoned. i'm still not giving up

[beck24]

any thoughts about my post #16 ?

[beck24]

Contact!

 

We met up today so I could give her my studentID and she could go pick up our tickets. We're going to sell them as a pair which is quite profitable. She was very happy to see me. She even offered to drive over to my house to get my ID. We just chit-chatted for a while. Nothing serious. Then after she got the tickets she offered to drive out to where I work to drop them off. So she was definitely willing to make an effort to see me. I think she misses me.

 

But I still must keep it cool. Nothing is going to change anytime soon nor do I want it to. Here's a quote I liked from this: link removed

 

 

Something that get's neglected a lot with all the talk about finding "the one" and "the right person" is how ready a person is be with "the one for them." You could be with the perfect person for you, but have the timing be all off. As individuals, we have to be at a stage in which we're mature and ready to handle serious love.

[beck24]

any thoughts?

 

so after this concert which is on Wednesday, should I say "i'll contact you" or "you contact me"

see above for the pros and cons of either one.

[beck24]

please! i could really use the feedback . . . you guys are giving me NC

[beck24]

Well I haven't moved on that's for sure. But I'm not hanging on for dear life. I'm trying to have RiverDog's attitude where he's considering an ex but with a very "we'll see what happens" attitude.

 

Actually, I don't want to bring up the relationship at all. I've done that too much already. We've talked it to death. And I don't want to have a talk about when it's ok to talk to each other again because she has said many times that she just wants to go with the flow. Maybe I'll just say "I'll talk to you later." That's probably the best thing to say because you're right I probably am thinking about this too much. I'm not going with the flow.

[beck24]

No you're fine. No worries

[beck24]

We went to the concert on Wednesday night and we had a good time. That night was proof of the NC principles for me. Not only did she seem to be missing me, but I was in much better frame of mind than before. I was calm and kept in mind all the things everyone has been saying. I just played it cool and had a good time. I wasn't nosey about what she'd been up to. But she seemed interested in what I was up to . I didn't tell her everything but I told her enough to give her something to think about. I've been going out downtown with my new roommate and she asked what bars we went to and said that she wanted to meet up with us sometime. She even got teary-eyed during a couple of songs at the concert, one of which I had kinda implied was about her. I didn't ask why though. I don't mean to sound happy about her sadness but it was an indication of what she's going through and I know she's thinking about me. We've only had minimal contact the last 2 weeks but going a week with out talking to each other (not even little emails) is the longest that's ever happened since the almost 4 years we've known each other. It's definitely having an effect. I dropped her off at her house and she said "I'll talk to you soon!" I said "Talk to you later!"

 

I suppose I'm still foolishly hopeful but that's ok. This last year of college for us will be full of emotions regardless. She has her career to think about, where she's gonna live, and who she wants to be with. I can tell she still has feelings for me but she's just confused about what's next in life. And I don't think that she's trying to string me along for emotional support. It will be months before she knows what she wants to do but NC (technically LC for me) has shown me that it is the best thing to do. Hell, if it comes up, I'll even encourage her to date other people since I know that it will help put things into perspective. And I feel much more capable of handling that and understanding that she has to do what is best for her. If you truly love someone, you have to let them go. We have a special bond which hasn't been damaged by the break-ups. It's just suffered through some growing pains. I am strong enough to handle the outcome either way.

[beck24]

Well I'm bored at work so I guess I'll just update my situation.

 

We've hungout at a party, met up downtown for drinks with friends one night, watched TV one night, and talk on AIM everyone once in a while. Last Tuesday, I sent her an email. It came from a very calm frame of mind and it was a way to get those last things off my chest. I told her she did not have to respond to anything. I told her about what I've been going through with depression last semester and why I broke up with her and thoughts about my future. It was very organized and I felt like all my other closing statements were way too emotional and scattered so that's why I did the email. It was very positive and supportive. She responded to it but I'm still not sure what it all meant but I'm trying not to worry about it.

 

Her response was to call me crying, saying that she wanted to come over immediately, right after having read the email. She said she just wanted to give me a big hug. She came over and she gave me big hugs while she cried. She said I was such a great friend and I meant so much to her. I kept cool. She said she just had to get that out of her.

 

We watched TV together on Wednesday while I studied. It was very casual and low-key. She said she was always very happy to see me. She also said "you've got your own little life going". She also touched me in a way that's hard to explain but it was kind of her touch that she did when were together. It was her I-can't-stand-it-anymore-I-gotta-touch-ya kinda touch. It's sort of a tickle. Regardless, it definitely brought back memories.

 

So thanks to this forum I think I'm handling things right. I've at least presented the illusion that I have my own life going and I can tell this is having an effect. I've made every contact pleasant and fun. I can make her laugh like usual and I'm generally very calm around her. When we got drunk hanging out with friends downtown one night, I was calm and didn't do anything stupid. I'm trying to be myself and hopefully she'll fall in love with me for the same reasons she did before.

 

She has initiated some contacts. While I was at a football game with my parents, she was there too and we kept texting each other back and forth. Finally, she just said, I'm gonna stop by your section. She did and only stayed for a bit, but she initiated it all.

 

For those who haven't read my story, I dumped her back in March and then I wanted to get back together in August. So I'm beginning to wonder that she just wasn't ready to get back in a relationship. It seems like there are still feelings for me, but it's kinda like she's afraid to just jump back into it and she's just kinda testing the waters for the moment. But also too, she still doesn't know what she's gonna do after college. And I know neither of us would want to get involved in something that you know is going to end due to circumstances.

 

I'm not gonna lie, I'm very hopeful. But that hope sure does give me some rollercoaster rides sometimes. The key here is patience. And again thanks to this forum, I've learned a lot about how to handle it. I've also presented myself as together, independent and active. So my next plan is to try and disappear. I've given her emotional support and have shown that hanging out with me can be fun. Now I need to take that away so she wants it again and she comes to me. It goes back to that "feeding the bird" post.

 

Who knows what lies ahead though.

[beck24]

Well I always hated how you never heard back from anyone once they've moved on from this website so I'll give an update and hopefully some words of encouragement.

 

Me and my ex don't really hangout much at least as of late. We still have a very friendly relationship and we talk frequently. I wrote her one last letter back in late September I think and I haven't spoken about anything since. She's working on her exit show but I bet after that we'll probably hangout alittle more frequently.

 

There are two things that I did that I would recommend for everyone.

 

1. Stop talking about the relationship. I wrote her one last letter and in it I specifically stated that I didn't want her to reply to any of it. It was written from a level-headed perspective which was important. But these were my closing statements I guess and I got it out of my system and haven't looked back since. If you have to do this in order to stop talking about the relationship then do it. Whatever you do, bring an end to all these discussions between you and your ex.

 

2. Get out and meet new people. Everyone says it. Just do it. It will prevent you from being so dependent to your ex. When you're out socializing you won't be thinking about stuff. You might still be emotional at first but if you keep it up, these emotions will fade. I'm no longer thinking about my ex in any romantic way now. This is the best place you can be. I can view the relationship much more objectively now. And now that she's off the pedestal that I put her on, she's on the same playing field as everyone else. Because if anything new were to come of us, we would be startin over. All the stuff from the previous relationship must be removed and this is done when she's off her pedestal. I've been meeting new people and even have a new girl that I've been kinda interested in. However, most important to me, is that I'm not taking anything too serious. I'm not worried about any sort of relatioship with anyone right now. I'm just trying to enjoy being single. Whenever one opoortunity closes, many more open up. What happens, happens. I'm not trying to force anything or WILL anything into creation.

 

As you can tell, I haven't had any form of NC. It's been low contact but also at times like around Halloween, I had a costume party and so did she, so went spent a lot of time together then just hanging out. Take note that I haven't had "if I make myself desirable I will slowly lure her back" in the back of my mind. If this were the case, all of our interactions would have been contrived and ultimately harmful to me. Really, you just have to give up with those thoughts. We were drunk at those Halloween parties and were having a good time. She wasn't my ex. She was just another girl I was having a good time with.

 

Step 1 is the starting point of moving on. Step 2 is actually moving on. If you're in complete despair right now, moving on is probably the last thing you want to do, but really it's the only thing to do. The sooner you can move on the better. There's nothing to say you can't come back but you have to take this like it is the end. Erase everything. Your ex doesn't want all that previous garbage from the first relationship and neither does anyone else. Clean up the mess so you can start fresh with whoever comes along next.