Why are a lot of us ALWAYS grasping?

[need2bme]

Grasping at something we cannot have. Looking for the greener grass. Upset that someone left us, when we thought many times of leaving them. Speaking with other people about stuff we should be sharing with our mate and so on.

 

It is amazing to me and I do it too, that we as humans are so insecure (which is what I blame it on) that we cannot just work on one thing. In my case, the other phone is better. The other car is better. The other girl would probably treat me better.

 

How can you get treated better, when you cannot do it for yourself? Is it a form of laziness? Is it a lifestyle of quick fixes in a microwave society? You know, if I am not having a good relationship, I dont need to work at it; I will just start over.

 

Why? What makes something else so attractive, instead of working with what we have? Sure people can grow apart. Why? Is it because we are lazy. I mean, I still pretty much look the same, just less hair. ;-)

 

Grasping, grasping...this job is not good enough, I am bored, I wish I would have done or bought the other thing...

 

ARRRGGHH!!!

[itsallgrand]

I relate. In fact, someone said to me today "I think you believe in Heaven."

I said "What? Yeah right."

Not Heaven in a religious sense, to be clear. But the same sort of idea: that lush pasture just a wee bit out of reach.

So come to think of it...that is what it comes down to.

 

It's completely natural to seek to avoid pain, and to go after pleasure. Just sometimes we get it all wrong. Sometimes, our expectations don't line up with reality.

 

One thing I noticed, and I'm no pro at any of this, is that it is hard to grasp when we are full.

I'm not saying it's easy. Gratitude and lining up expectations seems to work though.

 

So I don't think it is laziness, or any other form of self-fault or weakness. It's just a sign to pay attention to one's life. Maybe! lol.

[need2bme]

itsallgrand: I hear ya. When I told my dad about this whole mess, he asked, "why do you want everything so perfec? Life is not perfect. Things happen, etc."

 

Yeah, so!! Why can't someone have a perfect relationship, or at least attempt it? After all, isn't all we have here, is relationships?

[r3drobin]

i blame Adam and Eve

[desertnomad]

I agree its all their fault and that damn apple.

[matius]

Interesting post. I've been thinking about this a lot as of late.

 

Ideally, we should try to be happy with what we have...experience it to the fullest. If we experience something/one utterly unique and different, and know that it/they must be explored, than so be it...but not until the situation is actually realized...

 

To often our wants & desires aren't realistic...just make believe.

[need2bme]

I keep grasping at the phone hoping it will be her. Although sometimes I am indifferent, I know I would still pick it up. I mean, I called her for the loan docs I need (no we are not buying a place) and she can't even call back. When she just wants to talk, I picked up the phone before.

 

Who the hell does she think she is? All of this talk throughout our relationship about how much she cared and always would. Whatever!!

 

She keeps pretendind to be a victim here. I mean, come on! What the hell is she "grasping" at?

 

Sorry, just had to vent a little.

[Donster]

I keep seeing the same themes come up in different threads. For purposes of discussion, I will bring forth two concepts:

 

p.s. I'm not proselytizing--

"Don't try to use what you learn from Buddhism to be a Buddhist;

use it to be a better whatever-you-already-are."

His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama

 

1) Plato's allegory of the cave. There's a picture here, and a description. link removed

But basically, it just means that if you don't know any better, you will be happy with what you have, or perceive. This is the apple...once you taste it, you cant go back. If all you knew in life was your Amish community and nothing of the world outside of it (like in M. Night Shyamalan's The Village), then that becomes your full reality, the only truth that you know, and you will find happiness there.

 

2) Buddhist teachings: Desire is the seat of unhappiness. Here's a nice quote from a website about Buddhism, link removed

 

"Grasping at things can only yield one of two results:

Either the thing you are grasping at disappears, or you yourself disappear.

It is only a matter of which occurs first." --Goenka

 

There are a lot of gems on this web page, but I've pulled out a few things from this website that are interesting to think about, as they pertain to relationships:

 

 

Is the perfection we are looking for achievable? An old Sufi tale as illustration:

 

"One afternoon, Nasruddin and his friend were sitting in a cafe, drinking tea and talking about life and love. His friend asked: 'How come you never married?'

'Well,' said Nasruddin, 'to tell you the truth, I spend my youth looking for the perfect woman. In Cairo I met a beautiful and intelligent woman, but she was unkind. Then in Baghdad, I met a woman who was a wonderful and generous soul, but we had no common interests. One woman after another would seem just right, but there would always be something missing. Then one day, I met her; beautiful, intelligent, generous and kind. We had very much in common. In fact, she was perfect!'

'So, what happened?' asked Nasruddin's friend, 'Why didn't you marry her?'

Nasruddin sipped his tea reflectively. 'Well,' he replied, 'it's really the sad story of my life.... It seemed that she was looking for the perfect man...' "

 

The Buddha compared desires to being in debt. If you owe money to the bank for your house, every month you have to pay. In the end, you will own the house. With sensual desires however, you cannot pay off the debt; they arise again and again. Hunger, thirst, lust for sex, warmth, coolness, they all come back again and again. Trying to fulfil our desires is like carrying water to the sea; a never ending task and ultimately completely useless.

[freelove]

Brilliant!

[need2bme]

Once again Donster, great post. I love your insight on some things. This line was GREAT.

 

Nasruddin sipped his tea reflectively. 'Well,' he replied, 'it's really the sad story of my life.... It seemed that she was looking for the perfect man...' "

 

In Ruiz's book "Mastery of Love" he speaks of worrying about finding the perfect mate, instead of learning how to love. He stated that once you find the perfect mate, you have to hope you are the perfect one for them.

 

It made me think. I think it goes hand in hand with what Dr. Phil said, about learning how someone shows love.

 

CYA

[matius]

Desire is the seat of unhappiness. This makes sense, but is a double-edged sword...such as life.

 

I don't think it is inherently wrong to desire or to want better things in your life. We just have to call em as we see em. Sometimes wrong, sometimes right. You may spend a long time trying to love the wrong person... when you saw the signs long before.

 

“Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything.”

-Napoleon Hill

[Donster]

 

"Desire is the starting point of all achievement, not a hope, not a wish, but a keen pulsating desire which transcends everything."

-Napoleon Hill

 

My problem with this quote is that it makes it seem as if achievement is the final destination, rather than the journey.

 

So if desire is the starting point, where exactly is the end? I dont think there is one, because there will always be something else to desire once you have attained what you thought you once desired. It's an endless loop!

[paulapalooza]

I totally agree.

 

I've been a "grass is always greener" type person, especially when my own personal relationships don't go the way I want them to. But, when I'm happy and in love, none of that seems to matter. Why is that? Instead of working with the things we have and trying to make them better -- or perhaps we do and it fails -- our option is to quit and seek something else. How come some people get this and other don't.

 

I just broke up with my love. I wonder if he was feeling the same things. We only broke up on the weekend though. Who knows? Perhaps he'll see that the grass is greener with me. Then again, maybe not. I just sometimes feel regret that I didn't do things a little differently sooner. Now that we're apart, and now that I have time to reflect on the relationship, I see that things could have been rosier.

 

Thanks for the thread though. It totally makes me think that there are others out there just like me. Especially since I have no idea what my ex is thinking right now.

[Donster]

Hang in there Paula!

 

You raise interesting points...I think a lot of ppl dont realize that their own grass would be greener if they watered it every now and then! (I cant remember where I read this, but I dont want to take any credit for it, but it is soooo true!)

[paulapalooza]

I like that. I'm going to totally use that cliche.