Adult magazines

[fozzie]

To some my problem may seem silly, including my partner. I know it all boils down to my low self esteem but how do I help my self? My problem is my partners rude magazines. We've had several arguments over the issue. I take it personally that he needs these things, it makes me feel like I'm not enough, or I'm not what he fancies. He says it has nothing to do with me and has said several times he wont get them anymore. But they always appear again and everytime i find them it hurts as much. I don't think it's a solution that he doesn't get them anymore either because I don't want to control his life. I need to get over this idea that it's some how my fault that he needs them. I've spoken to a couple of people about this and they all say it doesn't bother them what their partners read. I've done a bit of self searching and I know part of the reason I don't think much about my self is because my partner isn't affectionate. He has never told me I'm beautiful or sexy or anything. Hardly ever tells me he loves me. I know there is no cheating going on and we don't really have problems with anything else in our relationship. Even I think I'm being a bit petty when other people have much more terrible troubles. What can I do to help my self?

[romantic sweetheart]

You are not being petty at all, and your problems are not silly--they are worthy of attention, because they are a concern for you. Many people feel the same as you about adult magazines. I am one of those people. Several years ago, I was in a relationship with someone who was addicted to online porn. This habit was instrumental in the demise of our relationship. Like you, I was deeply hurt, and I felt I was not enough for him. I felt betrayed.

 

There will be some people you meet that will chuckle about pornography and say that it is not a problem for them. For them, perhaps it is fine and acceptable.

 

But for many of us, it is not okay. Please do not feel ashamed or troubled for feeling the way you do. You do not need to "learn" to be okay with something that truly offends you. Your distaste of your boyfriend's habit is not a character flaw on your part--it is a indication of what you feel morally/psychologically to be wrong for you.

 

You have confronted him with your concerns. His reaction has been to have no reaction; he has chosen to continue looking at these magazines.

 

While it is true that we cannot tell others what to do, we can, however, make decisions that will benefit our hearts and souls, staying true to what we need in a loving, caring connection.

 

The question becomes whether or not you can accept this habit of your boyfriend's. Ideally, we would hope that someone would stop behaviours that hurt us. Unfortunately, this is not always the case.

 

In the end, we are in control of our own life and our own reactions, even if we cannot alter another person's behaviour.

 

Personally, I feel that pornography in any form is harmful to romance, and is disprespectful of both women and men. I know many disagree, and feel that pornography is acceptable. I understand that opinions differ. I just know what is right for me.

 

I know that you are trying to maintain a loving and close relationship with your boyfriend. There are other issues of which you spoke--namely that he does not compliment your appearance or make you feel attractive. He also is not affectionate, and does not express his feelings for you. Of course you would feel doubly threatened and hurt by his interest in adult magazines. Any thinking and feeling person would.

 

I think you need to discuss your feelings in depth with your boyfriend. In a realtionship, our feelings are part of a union--Problems that arise must be solved together. You mentioned that you would like to figure out ways to help yourself. But this is a problem that is not your own--it is shared with your boyfriend because it is a direct result of his actions. And so it must be addressed with him.

 

Do not feel that your concerns are trivial--All problems are valid. There is no judgement on whose problem warrants the most sympathy. The heart feels as it does--pain is felt no matter the source--pain is real no matter the source. Do not worry that your matters are not important--they are. And I understand your upset. It makes perfect sense to me--I sympathize deeply. It is okay to be unhappy with your boyfriend's habits. It is okay to feel as you do. It is okay to ask for what you need. The soul knows what it desires; the soul knows what it needs to find its home in this world.

[LostInMyThoughts]

Like romantic sweet heart said, your concerns aren't trivial at all.

 

I think you hit it on the head when you said help yourself. If you can't turn a blind eye to it (not saying you should) then it might be time to walk.

 

You're not comfortable with porn, and thats a decisive enough issue that it seems justifiable to leave someone who's beliefs on the subject aren't inline with your own.

 

Sad thing is I doubt giving him an ultimatum will work. He'll continue to look at porn, and either you can put up with it, or find someone who is less interested in porn.

[PeachesFelix]

I was very uncomfortable with the idea of my boyfriend looking at porn. I didn't mind knowing that other men I knew used it, but I was offended to think that he would.

 

I asked him not to, and he said he wouldn't, but since that I found on numerous occasions that he was still using it.

 

He now says that he does not look at porn and all I can do is try and trust him. I suggest that you ask your partner not to look at these magazines anymore. Your relationship sounds like it is all good apart from this one issue, so I suggest you speak to him about it.

 

But I will also say that to find out again and again that he has not been respecting your wishes will severely damage the trust in the relationship. So ask him and mean it. Let him know that it offends you. Tell him it might not be for good, but for now, you would like to know that you are enough