Problems with friend's boyfriend staying over

[ginger25]

Hi,

 

Sorry for the length of my post but I really need advice as this is worrying the hell out of me!

 

I live with two friends, one of them has had her boyfriend staying over 5-6 nights a week for the past couple of months. We put up with it for a while and then finally mentioned it to her on Sunday. I explained that I wasn't happy that we'd never been asked if we were ok with it, and he has never offered to contribute any money, not even a token gesture. My friend took all this very calmly and agreed with us.

 

Because our tenancy runs out soon I've said that I don't want to continue like this. She spoke to her boyfriend about it and they've decided that he's only going to stay at wkds, which means they won't see eachother during the week as he lives about half an hour away and doesn't drive. However, my friend drives, he could get the bus, and they haven't even considered the option of him contributing more money (he is really stingy with money).

 

The thing that has really annoyed me is that she seems to have turned it round so that we will be responsible for them being unhappy for the next 6 months, and she got upset when she was telling us so we felt really bad. However, I am very thoughtful and I know what I said wasn't unreasonable. Infact, I have even apologised for bringing it up a couple of times, which I know I shouldn't have. I can't help but think she is taking advantage because she knows how understanding I am. She has been really off with us for the last few days and I can't live in an atmosphere like that.

 

So I guess my question is how can I try and resolve this situation?!

[bhzmafia]

Perhaps with your new tenancy, involve her boyfriend in the discussion and try to work out a mutual agreement that results in him paying some money for living there.

[ginger25]

I feel that things have gone a bit too sour now for that to happen. We don't actually like her boyfriend, for a lot of valid reasons, I suppose it wouldn't be so much of an issue if we did. The whole thing just came to a head on friday when I was in the bath and he came over after work - I heard him say "I did not expect to have to wait to get in the shower!" I was absolutely fuming!

[bhzmafia]

Is it an option to move out with your other friend, leaving the one with the boyfriend alone? Maybe a last resort... and definitely a bridge burner =S

 

I cant think of anything really you can do about it except talk to your friend without really affecting your friendship

[annie24]

I think you need to reiterate to your friend that you have signed a lease with HER, not her BOYFRIEND. having him come to your place to take showers sounds like he has de facto moved in.

 

tell her this isn't acceptable. I don't know in the UK, but I know in the US, many leases have a "visitor" clause and say that a visitor can't spend more that 4 days out a month in the apartment. I wonder if your lease has something similar.

 

I have had roommates also who also brought over their boyfriends, but it was never to the extent that you are talking of now.

[RayKay]

That's incredible he said that about the shower! I would have had to bite my tongue from saying "when you are paying for water, you can complain!"

 

I can totally feel for you on this one, I think it is quite accepted that significant others will stay over time to time, and maybe even fairly regularly....but when they take advantage of it (such as showing little respect for other roommates), eat all the food, hog all the hot water and so on, it gets bothersome. And while he is her boyfriend, and her home too...it's also your home and you have the right to have that 'space' to yourself sometimes without having the boyfriend there all the time (and his obviously "pleasant disposition".)

 

In a roommate situation it is important the "rules" about others staying over is discussed beforehand.

 

It sounds more like he is being a "roommate" than a visitor or guest if he comes over to shower and complains about the wait...

 

If worse comes to worse, maybe you and your other friend may need to consider finding a new place, and she and her bf can decide what they want to do on their own!

[Bethany]

Tell her that if she has a problem with it, that maybe she should go around to HIS house 5-6 days a week. The only people keeping them apart is them, their lack of committment,her not bothering to drive that distance, his stingyness etc not you.

[babypink61]

Wow, I actually just had something similar happening to me, except the situation was reversed. I live with two other roomates and I recently noticed that she's been overcharging me on our utility bills (her name is on everything). When I confronted her she told me that it's because my bf stays over on weekends. BUT, my bf only stays over maybe two weekends out of the month, and NOTHING more. I got very upset when I found out that she would actually make me pay for 1/2 of our total utilities when it should've been split 3-ways. Unlike you and your roomates, she was not very nice about it when she had told me. Anyways, I got into a huge argument with her and finally I cooled down and went to talk to the other roomate (they are a couple). I sat down with the nicer roomate and we went over all our bills and we agreed on that I pay for 1/2 of our water bill (which still isn't very fair considering that he only stays over two weekends). Your situation is a little bit different though cuz your roomate's bf is over practically everyday. And it's only fair that you ask her to pay 1/2 of the utilities. I don't see anything wrong with that. Cuz he's basically living over there! I probably wouldn't get the bf involved, instead, all three of you guys need to sit down and decide on a fair way of dealing with the utilities. If you guys can't reach an argument then I'd say that once the lease is up that you kick that roomate out and find someone else.

[ginger25]

Thanks for all your advice. I do just want to wash my hands of the whole thing to be honest but she says they won't have time to find a place of their own and can't afford it. I know they are planning to move out after this 6 months so I think he is saving for a deposit (he still lives with his parents). He doesn't eat our food as well all buy that separately, but I think he should have contributed for rent, water and heating. I just really don't want to bring it up again because of the way she's reacted, I mean it seems like she has been really co-operative but in another sense I know she is annoyed and is punishing us with her silence rather than talking about it.

 

babypink61, I think if your boyfriend is staying over at wkds that's fairly reasonable - my boyfriend stays over too. You have to draw the line somewhere though and I think wherever someone spends most of their week is essentially their "home".

 

I just hate the fact that I feel uncomfortable at home now, she is being really cold and distant towards me so it's difficult to have an open conversation about it, which I would prefer.