My best friend is no support..

[Riggz41510]

I have a friend who I've known for 14 years we are tight.. We used to kick it with and date different girls all the time back in our younger days.. He is now married to the girl he has been with for 6 years. They also share a child. His wife and my ex are actually best friends now.. I'm close to his wife.. She understands my pain.. But he doesn't..

 

It really sucks because he's always inviting me over to his house for functions a barbecue, a fight, a game etc.. I always almost never go because I know my ex will be there, and its too much pain for me too see her right now.

 

He doesn't understand.. He has never been through a break-up.. So he's always telling me to "get some balls" or "be a man". I try to explain to him that its not that simple.. He acts as if I should just be perfectly OK.. His advice is "she isn't tripping off of you so why are you tripping off of her"?? Which sounds good in theory but its just not how love and feelings work.

 

It makes it so hard too talk to him.. I don't hang out with him as much.. I don't go to the functions.. I missed his daughter birthday party because I knew my ex would be there.. How do I move past this? I know if I go and I see her, it will only open up the wound for me again..

 

I've tried putting bad-aids on it, but this wound needs some stitches!!!

[shellshocked]

What would happen if you went to one of his events

with your new gf?

 

Might show your ex that you've moved on....

[Riggz41510]

What would happen if you went to one of his events

with your new gf?

 

Might show your ex that you've moved on....

 

If I did that it wouldn't be genuine.. I know how I would feel after I left or while we were there..

 

I am no where near over her.. It wouldn't be fair to use my new friend as a pawn.. I'm not feeling very strong these days..

[shellshocked]

TCB -

I'm not trying to be mean, but it definitely sounds like

you're not over your ex.

 

So if taking your friend to a cookout wouldn't be fair to your friend,

since you're not over the ex...

(and if she IS your friend, I wouldn't think that taking her would be

you using her as a "pawn")

And if you DO feel this way, do you think that dating her is fair to her?

[NJRon]

If you need your friends for support and they aren't being supportive in the way that you need, then I can totally understand where you are coming from. When I went through my last major breakup, all the guys were going "All you need to do is get laid"... umm... no... that's not what I need.

 

If his wife understands, then perhaps you can let her know that you really need her help in having her husband understand where you are and that you aren't blowing them off, that you want to maintain the friendship but, right now, it's too tough?

 

I don't know... quite a quandry and just taking a stab in the dark.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I have a friend who says the same thing to me...that I should just get over it and move on. Easier said than done. It is not very compassionate of your friend to belittle your feelings like that. Your feelings are your feelings and if you can't go over there because your ex will be there, that is your choice and nobody should make you feel guilty for it. Why can't he invite you over without the ex around. It is incredibly insensitive of him. You are right to distance yourself from him because he is not showing himself to be much of a friend. Don't beat yourself up over it...you will heal in your own time frame. And I agree, taking your friend there just to show you moved on is not a good move. It would be using your friend and in addition, you wouldn't be true to yourself. No matter what happens in this life and what crap gets thrown in your way, it is always better to take the high road...because in the end, you have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and know you did the right thing.

[Day_Walker]

I am of the theory that a friend does not have a support your actions. A friend is not there to tell us exactly what we want to hear, instead a friend wants what they think is best for you. It sounds like your friend wants you to make some positive steps to moving on, because he believes that it is best for you.

[Riggz41510]

TCB -

I'm not trying to be mean, but it definitely sounds like

you're not over your ex.

 

So if taking your friend to a cookout wouldn't be fair to your friend,

since you're not over the ex...

(and if she IS your friend, I wouldn't think that taking her would be

you using her as a "pawn")

And if you DO feel this way, do you think that dating her is fair to her?

 

We are not serious.. We just hang out from time to time.. She dates other guys.. I just would't want to bring her around unless I was for sure I wanted to be with her

[Riggz41510]

I am of the theory that a friend does not have a support your actions. A friend is not there to tell us exactly what we want to hear, instead a friend wants what they think is best for you. It sounds like your friend wants you to make some positive steps to moving on, because he believes that it is best for you.

 

I don't want him too support my actions.. Just understand that right now its hard to be around her..

[Riggz41510]

Thank you..

[Riggz41510]

If you need your friends for support and they aren't being supportive in the way that you need, then I can totally understand where you are coming from. When I went through my last major breakup, all the guys were going "All you need to do is get laid"... umm... no... that's not what I need.

 

If his wife understands, then perhaps you can let her know that you really need her help in having her husband understand where you are and that you aren't blowing them off, that you want to maintain the friendship but, right now, it's too tough?

 

I don't know... quite a quandry and just taking a stab in the dark.

 

That's actually good advice.. I try and help him understand how I'm feeling by using is 1 week break-up from his now wife.. He was a wreck.. it was only 1 week and he couldn't deal with it.. He called me at odd hours of the night etc..

 

The big difference with them was she just wanted him to include her in making decisions in the home.. So i guess in the big scheme of things it was small and they were able to fix it..

 

I always tell him to imagine how he felt for that 1 week.. No magnify that time 100..

[25thfloor]

ok....i think friends should support you. true friends will not dismiss your feelings. i am so sick and tired of people telling me when my mourning period should begin and end. that's insensitive and rude. if you're not over her, then that is the only only only thing that matters here. i just dumped a 'friend' last week because she looked me square in the eye, with total distain (sp) and said 'God, you STILL love him' like i was trash. i could have slapped her. it was so incredibly rude. i've been broken up for almost 3 months now...and i do not wish to see him...we are in the same social group and he's started to sign up for events i'm already signed up for. just because he is over me doesn't mean i have to be in the same place. friends should make you feel better and stronger.....not awful and weak.

[need2bme]

25thfloor: Agreed. I think that I would listen to a friend, regardless. I so know now, how much this hurts. I think it hurts more though, because we have to take a look inside and if you are totally honest, you might find things you don't like.

 

BTW, why would this guy sign up for stuff, if you already had?

 

I don't think I would have the strength to go either. Besides, who needs that mess? Also, just because they are over us, does not mean we are over them.

 

3 months is not enough time anyway.