any men out there like this?

[unhappybride]

I am 36 and my husband is 46. We have known each other for 1 1/2 years and have been married for one month. It is the first marriage for both of us. We live in NYC and both have good corporate jobs.

 

I am thin, have always been considered very pretty (always had plenty of guys after me) and younger than him. I cook for him every day, have sex with him every night. But it's all still not enough! I have some self-esteem issues but I am not an insecure mess.

 

Ever since we were married, he seems to always be looking for "something better" (younger? prettier in a different way? (I am dark haired and he, lately, has been hankering after blonds). He is very, very visual and seems to be very shallow. It started on our wedding day. After the ceremony, at the dinner, he started asking me about and chasing after one of my bridesmaids.

 

Should i dump him? He's been a bachelor for sooooo long. Does he just need time to adjust to marriage? I really don't think he will cheat on me. The pattern in his life has been this - he chases after women who are "out of his league", jumping from new infatuation to new infatuation every few months or so (keeping different infatuations going at a time.) He has been alone almost his entire life. Shyness keeps him from doing anything. He is amazed that things worked out between us! Things have only worked out because I was much more patient and understanding than the other women he had chased in the past...

 

He is great in so many ways, good looking, stable, etc. He very much wants to be a family man and we both want kids in the worst way. He very much wants things to work out but, every one or two months, he forget and starts hankering after some other woman.

 

I made him spend the weekend away from me so he can see what he would be missing if he DID leave for someone else and he came back really missing me.

 

This desire for other women... Is this going to get better?.... or worse?...

 

Please help! Especially appreciate input from men here...

[RayKay]

Alright, red flag city here honey.

 

Things have only worked out because I was much more patient and understanding than the other women he had chased in the past...

 

I want you to be quite honest here....maybe those other women just saw him for what he is, and what you are seeing now..and were not willing to be "patient and understanding" with a womanizer?

 

Being shy does not excuse being a bad, selfish and disrespectful partner.

 

He very much wants things to work out but, every one or two months, he forget and starts hankering after some other woman.

 

Do you seriously believe he "forgets"? It's sad that he has to "remember" to be committed in the first place! Do YOU "forget" you are with him, and committed to him?

 

It's not as easy as just "dumping him" - you are MARRIED. So you have to either BOTH commit to working this out, or decide you can't be with someone whom is always looking for someone else...and file for divorce.

 

I wonder why you married someone whom is shallow...there must of been some signs beforehand? Were you feeling pressured as you wanted kids? If you knew his history, why did you marry "so soon".

 

After the ceremony, at the dinner, he started asking me about and chasing after one of my bridesmaids.

 

I would of been getting an annulment the very next day, as soon as he showed me whom he really was and what a BLATANT lack of respect he had for me, and for the vows he just made.

 

 

There is more to marriage than good meals and sex every night....I am sure you know this. What does HE put into it himself?

 

He is great in so many ways, good looking, stable

 

I would not say "good looking" makes someone great. And he sure does not sound stable, if he can blatantly chase other women. And he jumps from infatuation to infatuation like clockwork.

 

Sorry, but I believe marriage is a commitment made in the heart and mind, long before the vows. I would suggest while you have the paperwork, he may not see himself as "married". If he is desiring other woman NOW, given you have only been together 1.5....I would have to say it's not likely that will suddenly change...

[rose2summer]

Hey UB,

I saw your other post and this guy concerns me. He is a the "typical older male bachelor" who couldn't settle down before. That's horrible that he was thinking about chasing after 1 of your bridesmaids. Big red flag there! I don't think that men like this change, so hold off on children right now. You are married, which is a deep commitment, so I think you should try some marriage counseling for now, and try to work things out. Just out of curiosity, if you knew he was shallow before you got married, why did you marry him (not trying to be offensive)?

[hoppy27]

i dont get it. im 29 years old and would give my right leg to be settled down, married, and in a posistion to have kids.

this guy is 46 and obviously married to a good woman and he's chasing other woman???? he's an idiot. he wants kids........he better get doing then.

if you leave him.....................i live in CT. id make the drive to NYC!!!!!!

holar!!!!!!

[rose2summer]

Can't you get a marriage annulment since it's been only 1 month? Raykay, doesn't this guy remind you of my ex? These type of men just don't change.

[RayKay]

Can't you get a marriage annulment since it's been only 1 month? Raykay, doesn't this guy remind you of my ex? These type of men just don't change.

 

Yeah, and of a few other ex's I have seen.

 

At 46, I would say there are some good reasons no one else married him to be honest...I don't think it was a bad thing those women "lacked" patience and understanding. Sometimes too much "patience and understanding" becomes naivety.

[Riggz41510]

What do you mean by chasing other women??

[nottoogreen]

Hi unhappybride,

 

I am his age, my gf is your age. We are together 9+ years.

 

Perhaps his relationship life was like that. Pickup a trophy girl, get laid, get bored, next. He want's (you) but does not appreciate and respect (you).

 

Seen your OP of the other thread. I think he was not ready for marriage at all. Sort of pushed himself to get married. He seems unadapted to any steady relationship, the eternal bachelor.

 

I suggest counseling or bring him here.

[zippitt]

I have been in the same boat, and because of the realization that I have problems I have removed myself from the dating pool. The last three women I have dated were not supermodels, but were desired by a large number of men, they were pretty at the least. Many people commented on it and some were quite jealous.

 

However, I always found myself staring at other women, always wondering if I was missing something. It wasn't to say I didn't love my girlfriends, but as I said there were other issues.

 

I was dating because I liked the attention and didn't want to be alone, nor was I happy with myself. The combination of these issues made me very selfish; I looked at other women more than I should. I am very visual as your husband is, but that is no excuse.

 

If it is obvious to you that while you are with him he is checking out other women all the time that is inconsiderate, he should have that in control out of respect for you.

 

Now, just because he is very visual and desires other women doesn't necessarily mean something bad will happen. It really depends on his actions with you around or not. If he loves you and you two have a great life despite his desires to be with other women, which is natural for most of us, then I would say you're probably okay.

 

The first thing I would look for is the emotional connection between you. If it starts to slip then I would be concerned. If he is anything like me though, he has personal issues that should be looked at before he should even be with someone. I'm concerned that he is 46 with no kids and comes off shallow. He won't likely change unless he tries to initiate the change himself, he's gone this long without making a change, you would have to ask yourself why we he be any different with you?

[zellegirl]

Anyone who after just a short time of marriage is not still being sweet and showing you how great you are in it for the wrong reason. I think if he makes you feel less then great then he sucks!

If he is not completely kidding about the other women watch out. I of all people understand cold feet and flirting, but if on top of that he is not showing you that he is still excited by you. I think this guy has the same problem as me he is always looking for something better, and dose not realize what he has. I know what I have and I am working on it the looking part. I would confront him with your feelings and give him a chance if he continues then move on life is too short you don't want to waste your time with someone who is not as in love as you!

[Day_Walker]

If you believe that this is the type of person he is going to be then the marriage is not goin to go far.

[Dako]

I'm sorry you have these doubts so soon.

 

I'm going to assume he's a guy who never committed to a relationship and sees no reason to at this point of life, except for meeting a woman that would tolerate his peculiar ways. He must think it's worth a shot.

 

I'd be very wary of this guy. At his age, changing his tune is near impossible, and if you want to reaise kidswith this guy, you may be headed to real trouble.

 

I'm 53, and find myself single after a long marriage. I'm less of a horndog that this guy, and he's married.

[Scout]

Originally posted by Raykay

 

Alright, red flag city here honey.

 

Quote

Things have only worked out because I was much more patient and understanding than the other women he had chased in the past...

 

I want you to be quite honest here....maybe those other women just saw him for what he is, and what you are seeing now..and were not willing to be "patient and understanding" with a womanizer?

 

Being shy does not excuse being a bad, selfish and disrespectful partner.

 

Quote

He very much wants things to work out but, every one or two months, he forget and starts hankering after some other woman.

 

 

Do you seriously believe he "forgets"? It's sad that he has to "remember" to be committed in the first place! Do YOU "forget" you are with him, and committed to him?

 

It's not as easy as just "dumping him" - you are MARRIED. So you have to either BOTH commit to working this out, or decide you can't be with someone whom is always looking for someone else...and file for divorce.

 

I wonder why you married someone whom is shallow...there must of been some signs beforehand? Were you feeling pressured as you wanted kids? If you knew his history, why did you marry "so soon".

 

Quote

After the ceremony, at the dinner, he started asking me about and chasing after one of my bridesmaids.

 

I would of been getting an annulment the very next day, as soon as he showed me whom he really was and what a BLATANT lack of respect he had for me, and for the vows he just made.

 

 

There is more to marriage than good meals and sex every night....I am sure you know this. What does HE put into it himself?

 

Quote

 

He is great in so many ways, good looking, stable

 

 

I would not say "good looking" makes someone great. And he sure does not sound stable, if he can blatantly chase other women. And he jumps from infatuation to infatuation like clockwork.

 

Sorry, but I believe marriage is a commitment made in the heart and mind, long before the vows. I would suggest while you have the paperwork, he may not see himself as "married". If he is desiring other woman NOW, given you have only been together 1.5....I would have to say it's not likely that will suddenly change...

__________________

 

Ditto. To every single word said here. And these words may not be easy to read, but I strongly suggest you do, several times, in fact.

[Beec]

I don't like his actions at all, but I am also not going to be the person to tell you it's time to drop him and flush the relationship away, like something that just should be flushed.

 

Frankly, I have noticed most women tend to do a little of what he does, but nowhere near this extent. I really don't wnat to hear my woman swoon over some other guys arms, and she is proably going to hear me talk about what a nice set of legs and how nice a rear some other woman has soon. Hopefully, it will get to her, and I can then say let that be a lesson. I look, I don't expect her not too, but don't let me hear about it.

 

unhappybride's husband seems ot think her name is "welcome" and that she is supposed to be in front of the front door. Not quite sure how you got to this status, but he is not showing you a lot of respect. He does seem emotionally attached to you because of his reaction this weekend. However, he does not seem to have an understanding of how he needs to treat you. I think you need to give him that understanding, otherwise, you will continue to feel like crap when he does these things.

 

And unhappybride, welcome to ENA. It's good to have another New Yorker here. Also, I'm pretty much a newlywed too. Myself and my wife are between your ages.

[doyathink]

I have to say that if your friends are telling you to hit the road, maybe you should! They know the both of you and obviously can see whats going on!

 

Don't be a doormat! There are so many men out there who are looking for a woman like you that you are doing yourself an injustice!

 

Maybe try the couples counseling for awhile, hold off on the kid thing and put your foot down! Tell him you wont tolerate being treated this way any longer. You expect him to treat you as well as you treat him. Very, very few ppl would accept this from their mate...period

 

Does he have some sort of attention disorder? Ppl who do seem to have a hard time keeping focus and tend to make problems when they get bored! I would be scared that someday he may act upon his fantasies!

 

Good luck with whatever decision you make!

[unhappybride]

I really appreciate all of your input. It really, really helps to hear all those voices out there. I guess that's why I jumped on again. I was at work and my mind was just churning, churning and I needed to hear more input to be at ease. I am very confused. And I think I am confused because it is really not ALL bad. It is difficult to set it all down in a short post and really explain it all. A big problem is that he tells me EVERYTHING that passes through his mind - like he forgets that I am NOT his "buddy" - I am his lover. He is really good to me most of the time. Affectionate, fair, caring, concerned.

 

It is just that, these few times, when he starts to get another woman in his mind (and its triggered by very brief interactions) I can see that he is fantasizing about life with her, not just sex! And these fantasies seem to last a day or two or three - and then they are gone.

 

He has depression in his family (so do I) and I think this is a kind of self-medication. His father was an alcoholic. Instead of drinking, I think my husband might be addicted to the high of falling in love with a fantasy figure. I think part of the reason that he hasn't had real relationships is because he can't get past the initial phase of infatuation. But I'm not a therapist...so maybe it is bunk. He wonders, also, if there is something "better out there" and I know it is because he fetishizes younger women. I am eleven years younger than him (and, because I have olive skin, I look younger than I am), but I am 36 and it won't be like that forever. He looks young for his age too.

 

Why I don't just dump him:

1) it is all pretty new and confusing. I am only starting to think about it now. It was only last weekend that I recognized it as a pattern and a problem.

 

2) he DOES love me and i can feel it...he is more persistent in demonstrating it than any other guy I've been with. But no one is perfect.

 

3) the dating scene in New York City is absolutely brutal. Everyone lives in extended adolescence and there are tons and tons of gorgeous young women to compete with. It is really hard to find someone single like my husband. He's got a lot of great, great things about him. And he is very persistent in trying to hold onto me.

 

4) biological clock. I am 36 and want a baby ... and he really wants children too.

 

5) he is trying, and trying hard. he is in therapy. And I know that - right now at least - that I am stronger than he is. I think it would be harder for him if we broke up than on me. (In the future, it might be a different story).

 

6) I have issues too. I think the reason I didn't dump him 2 months into the relationship (like the other women) is because I am (1) in my mid-30s and (2) insecure and didn't know if I could attract and keep someone who would treat me better. I know its wrong - and, most of the time, I feel confident and great - but people are programmed a certain way, and sometimes I become that insecure girl who thinks she is "not good enough." There are tons and tons of women who are like this! They are the ones with eating disorders, depression, etc. He probably senses these clues - and treats me (once in a while) like a doormat because of it. I think I have to get in therapy myself to learn to assert myself better in relationships with men (something I plan to do this week).

 

This past weekend, I told him "You know, divorce would be easier now than later. I want you to go to the country, THINK about what you want and, if necessary, we will split. I don't wind to wind up divorced at 40 with a 4 year old." I was even prepared to go home to my mother's house for the week to test out a separation but he was adamant that this not happen. He was despondent when he thought he might lose me.

 

I don't know how it will all turn out but I will keep you posted. This past weekend seemed to have a big effect on him. I am going to wait and see... Maybe it is just the adjustment of being in a marriage. More than anyone I know, he is a creature of habit and discipline... and my sense is that I should give him more of a chance to let his new life as a married man sink in.

 

I am definitely waiting (for now) to have a baby. You are all so right about that!

 

Thanks so much!!