Sometimes I just want to SCREAM!!!!

[Max1]

It's been a while since I've posted on here, but I've been needing to vent and honestly I have no one else to let it out to. Today I've been wanting to go out to the middle of no where and just let out a gut wrenching emptying scream. I have been so frustrated with the way my life is going for me. Last year around this time I was moving in with my ex. Needless to say I've been lost in memories that havent been making me cry just making me angry and bitter. My birthday will be here in 3 short months and that is the anniversary of him breaking up with me for his ex. Not looking forward to it. And ofcourse the lovely lonely holidays.

 

I've been angry well, because I'm lonely. I only have 1 friend, who is the best, and well I have my dog and cat but thats it. I don't want to overwhelm her with everything. I know I can count on her but I wish I had a couple more friends to lean on. To hang out with, go out with and have some fun. I wish I knew how to meet people but I dont. And my dog and cat. Well ofcourse they are my loves but I can't exactly communicate with them like I can a person. I don't want my ex back but I want some company. I would like my phone to ring or to hear a knock on the door. I want to be included. I feel like my world has shattered since our break-up.

I lost all of my friends for many reasons. But mostly because they were his first. I moved to town, befriended him and his friends, then we got together. He told them his nasty side of things before I could say anything. In a way I am glad I distanced myself from that crowd. It wasn't were I belonged to begin with. I'm not sure where I belong, just around decent people I guess.

 

I think things have been harder because I've decided to go back to school to further my education and Im nervous. I atleast hope I do well in school and make some friends. But I've also been dealing with my family problems that are just getting worse. My family story is one of a soap opera fairy tale. I hadn't spoken to my mother in years and when the ex and I started dating we actually were hanging out alot. Things were good. But I think she liked the person who seemed to have no problems (when with the ex), now that I have been depressed and battling it for almost a year over him she has been treating me as if I am a child. She tells me that I am a failure and yells at me constantley. I don't appreciate it what so ever. I am an adult who has done it all on her own with some setbacks but I've done pretty well. I feel as if she was living through me and now I'm worthless and have let her down. She is always telling me that I do nothing but screw up. It makes everything so much harder.

 

I want to let the ex go, I want to make new friends, a new life, and I want to have my mother. She is my only family. But I can't be treated so cold heartedly. I feel like I'm stuck. I know this has been a long venting post and kudos to those who made it to the end! I just needed to let that out and trust me it feels like a 5lb weight was lifted. But I wonder what you all think about this one, what you would do or if anything similar has ever happened or is happening to you?

Thanks

[RaZeRbLaDeZ]

I know how you feel

[AwdreeHpburn]

I feel for you. Sorry you're feeling bad.

 

But....Why don't you drive out some where and just scream? I mean, why not?

 

And you can always talk to your cat and dog. They WILL listen and they won't offer you any advice, bad or otherwise. They'll just listen. They won't question you or make you feel bad about anything you say, they'll just sit there, listening.

 

And of course, there's us. We're always here.

[Allie.]

seriously, scream.

 

literally, scream.

 

scream like you haven't screamd before.

 

and while you're at it, throw some sticks at someone.

 

shout, twist, scream, kick, cry...

 

LET IT OUT.

[desertnomad]

If you go out and scream can you throw an extra scream in there for me also? I can relate to you. I know it feels awful. All I had was my ex and her daughter for four years and then she took off. I dont have any family or friends within 2000 miles of me. But I am trying to make a few. I think I will have to climb to one of these mountain tops myself and do some screaming one of these days. It sounds like a good idea. Honestly, though you have two of the best friends you could ever ask for right there...your dog and cat. I have lost a wife and many a gf but the worst thing I ever lost was my dog to a divorce. Forget the ex's the pets are the most valuable, loyal, honest beings you will ever find even if you do find a decent person to stay with someday. I feel the dread of the holidays too but they are over three months away and anything can happen in that time or so I keep telling myself. Hang in there.

[Lealing]

Hello Max,

 

I can totally sympathise with how you feel. My ex broke off our relationship 8 months ago after we had been living together for 8 years. We used to do everything together. I feel rather lonely now and have maybe a couple of close friends. I see these two friends maybe once a week but that's it. I'm not sure how to go out and make new friends either. People say that time is the healing factor so I just try to plod along day by day.

 

Take good care of yourself.

 

Lealing

[Spawn]

hmm.....max image removed don't feel alone, keep ventin in this thread. I remember my days of loneliness i used to just keep ventin here almost every week....if you want somebdy to talk to then u can always pm me.

 

take care.

[kiki]

Hi Max

 

Glad you feel better after your vent i must say you have done so well since the break up, as for the friends - you do not need friends who will only listen to one side of a argument, i say when you start your course you will make some new friends naturally, because everyone will be on the same boat they will too be starting a new course and will be looking to make friends

 

do you think you can try talking to your mum?- you dont necessarily have to end up being the best of friends.. maybe just talk to her calmly and say you didnt appreciate what she said about you and you felt hurt by what she said but you would like to keep in touch etc etc.. if she doesnt respond then at least you know that you tried

 

whatever you do good luck to you

[LONESOUL]

Hi Max,

 

I understand where you are coming from too. It feels to me like the pain inside

will cause me to explode if I don't get it out somehow. I agree with the others, go someplace and scream if you feel you need to. My relationship was 7 years. I had she and her son (he was 10 when we moved in together)

I miss them both, very much. I left my ex because of 7 years of wondering if

she was ever "truly" with me anyway (she had issues...long story) I knew

from someplace deep down inside that I deserved more. I loved her though, and I love her still (that actaully makes me kinda mad..) I love him as well, but he is not contacting me either. (His mother lets him do whatever he wants..he doesn't want to hear me tell him he needs to be responsible for

himself in life etc...) I bounce back and fourth between, extreme sadness,

disbelief, anger...and I wonder everyday when this is going to ease up. It's

been about 9 weeks or so, two with NC. I don't have allot of friends either

most are in other states or I they were my ex's friends first. (I am not

from here, my ex is)

Be good to yourself, as the others have said. Know that it will get better,

hold on to what the others are saying about time healing and how it really must~because it HAS to, we deserve better...and it's coming, we must have faith. We must hang in there!

[Max1]

Thank you for all of your replies. My ex was my first love. I've cared about guys before but not like the way I felt for him. The break-up was a complete surprise. One minute I was happy and getting ready for my birthday dinner the next I was being told that he wasn't happy and that he was talking to his ex and that we needed to "take a break" so that he could "think about things". What a jerk! I miss the guy that I got to know. Not the guy he turned out to be. He was my family. I've never really had a family so I was happy as can be. The two of us, the cat and dog. A great little family. I've always wanted to be part of a true family. I had it and then it was taken from me.

 

But I guess I have learned a lesson. I moved too fast, I listened only to my heart and disregarded my logical thoughts. I know that over time I will make friends, I will be happy and then I will be loved by someone. No matter how lonely I am for companionship that a boyfriend may give I have to work on myself and my happiness. I do miss the nights were you order in, get a movie, and hang out alone together on the couch. I miss being able to talk to someone and getting the loving comfort from your best friend. I've been going through a fase since this break-up occurred. I haven't been able to look in the mirror and feel beautiful. I used to even before him. I used to have good self esteem. I'ts gone now. I'm trying to work on myself so that I can have good self esteem. The only way I will be worth while to people, not just with physical beauty, but as a person, is if I am truly happy with myself. Not to say I am not allowed bad days but for the most part be happy with myself.

 

It helps so much to hear what all of you have to say. I have hope that things will be okay someday. Right now I'm just in a rut. School, work, guys, friends, family, it's all driving me nuts. I just keep hanging on to the thought that someday something will work out for me.

 

Thanks again

[LONESOUL]

Max1,

I understand how you feel. I miss the "family" I thought we were too. But I guess that is just the point, it wasn't to the other person what it was to me.

Nothing I did, in fact I was a good partner. I think you you are right when you say you need to work on yourself and your happiness. I know that is easier said then done~believe me. There are days when I still can't even believe I am going though this...but I am, and I need to be as good to myself as I was to her when we were together. Stay strong~you are beautiful and I know because you loved~and you will love again. The right guy is out there, he just was not him.