Just need some advice

[bball]

Hey, I'm like many other people on this forum looking for some advice.

 

I guess you need some background info on myself. Well I am 24 years old, had two long term relationships. First was 2 1/2 years (long distance which worked out for both of us because we were 16-18(me) and 14-16(her) at the time). The second was 3 1/2 years, 21-present (me) and 19-present (her).

 

- I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs

- I'm usually very quiet, I don't talk to a lot of people or ever go out to parties because I don't enjoy hanging around people that are drinking or doing drugs. I have a problem with drinking; my dad is (was) an alcoholic, so that's why I don't do it myself. Drugs are just stupid, so I don't do them.

 

Anyhow, when I first went to high school there was this girl (Angela) that was my first crush. She is a year older then me, and I would make note to pass her in the halls on way to class - never said anything but just wanted to see her. It was just a simple crush, and what little I knew about her I liked. I figured she knew I had a crush on her, but she never said anything either. But in high school a guy dating a girl older then they are would cause "difficult talk", so that was one reason I never 'made a move'.

 

I think I did that for the majority of high school, always had a crush on her but never did anything about it. Since my dad was an alcoholic and was embarrassed about my homelife, I never let anyone get close to me at school because I didn't want anyone to know what was going on at home with my dad. I would take care of him when he was drunk by sending him to bed, feeding myself and my brother, etc. So I dated someone from out-of-town, so I didn't have to worry about people talking.

 

Yes I did still have a crush on her when I was with my first girlfriend, but it was a simple crush, nothing more then that.

 

Well she graduated and didn't see her for a few years, and I bumped into her when I was 19. I talked to her and found out she had a boyfriend. We talked for a few hours, and then I realised that I still had a crush on her. I'd see her around town (small town) from time to time, but always saw her with her boyfriend.

 

I then started dating my second girlfriend for 3 1/2 years, and it just recently ended - she didn't think that we clicked enough. During that time I would still see Angela around, wave from a distance but never approach. I was dating someone that I really did love, and would NEVER do the 'attempt to upgrade' thing like most people do. I was happy with what I had, but unfortunately it didn't work out.

 

I just recently started working at a new place, where Angela just happened to be working! She just started working there too (2 weeks earlier), and we've been working at the same place for the last month or so. Immediately when she saw me, she was happy to see someone she knew started working there (and likewise), so ever since we've had our breaks and lunches together everyday.

 

Well, she broke up with that one boyfriend(a terrible drunk, druggy), and now she's with another guy (6 months). She said that things between her and him are good and she appears to be very happy, except she did say there is a problem - her cats. He can't stand cats. The idea of them in the house makes him sick. She will not get rid of them and he won't live with them. So as far as I know, that's the only problem they have, and other then that everything else is good. She always says to other people that we talk to that she's with a really great guy now, and she's happy. They do not live together.

 

But of course, now that I know more about her and talk to her everyday at work - that crush that I had on her for the last 9 years is probably no longer a crush. Yeah, I guess in today's lingo you could say 'I've got the hots for her'.

 

We have a lot in common, and a few people at work thought we were actually dating (4 directly to me, another said we would make a great couple). We just had a BBQ at a co-workers place, and I could see everyone talking about me when she arrived with her boyfriend, and I went alone. It made me feel a little uncomfortable, but more sad. Sad that we were not in a relationship.

 

 

I'd love to tell her how I've felt for the last 9 years, but I'm afraid of losing my friendship with her. Yes, I am lonely as well because a month ago my last relationship ended. I also don't go for the 'date someone that you know it won't work' thing, or the 'ask any girl at all times to go on a date'. I guess I only want to date girls that I feel I have things in common with, or girls that I am attracted to (physically AND intellectually, it could never be one without the other).

 

I guess I'm asking:

 

If I told her that I've had a crush on her for probably 9 years and that I am not educated well enough to explain how amazing she is, would it make her avoid me? She is very kind, sweet, and caring so I don't think so, but I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable. Her friendship is really important to me, and I'm just going crazy inside every time I see/talk to her that I want to tell her. I guess I really want it to be more....

 

 

I do have friends, but I don't socialize with them a lot. Very little. To me, I've always wanted the women in my life to be the most important person to me, and to spend the majority of my free time talking/being with her. The first relationship I was in we were talking every minute we had on the phone, and the second relationship it was either talking on the phone, or spending several days together (cause she still lived at her parents place).

 

What do you think? Should I tell her how I feel? Or will it just cause trouble? I'm not saying "break up with him and date me", but rather "I've had a crush on you for 9 years and I'm so happy to be talking to you almost daily that it's the highlight of my life".

 

Would it even accomplish anything? I'm one of those nice guys, you know the really nice, hard working caring guy. Everyone says I am a great guy and I get along with everyone. I've always been the guy that goes out of his way to help people. Friends, family members, even perfect strangers I'll never see again. I wish I could do nice things for Angela, but it would be inappropriate since she's seeing someone. Angela has even said I'm one of those nice guys, smart and she could tell right away that I'm a good guy.

 

 

Ugh, I'm rambling now. I need some advice. Please – the more the better and the sooner the better. I could do with some help. Thanks

 

BaseballDude

[Cid]

Welcome to ENA BaseballDude,

Talk to her, you need to tell her how you feel.

[DN]

She's with another guy and says she's happy. So she's off-limits.

 

You said you would not approach her while you were with your previous girlfriend because you "would NEVER do the 'attempt to upgrade' thing like most people do". Why do you think she would do that to her boyfriend when you would not do that to your ex-girlfriend? Don't you think she should have the same set of moral standards that you displayed?

[Relationship Coach]

DN is very correct here. What type of girl would she really be if she dumped her BF for you? You would spend the rest of your relationship with her looking over your shoulder waiting for karma to do the same to you. You seem to have decent values as for not doing self destructive things but going after a girl who is dating someone else is a big no no.

 

RC

[Siriana]

Well I wouldn't say that thing about how you had a crush on her for 9 years. That makes you too approachable and she will loose interest.

She is dating someone, maybe it works, maybe it woan't. I am not into stealing somebody elses gf. If she has a crush on you you can hope they will brake up soon.

The most important thing to avoid for you is beeing friendzoned. Making yourself attractive to her and making her interested. But the decision has to be hers. She just needs to know that you are "hot". Than if she doesn't react than means she's not attracted to you and that she is into her bf.

Check out some posts made by diggitydogg. I think it matches perfectly with your problem.

[heloladies21]

On my personal point of view, you're not the one in the relationship so you have no commitment issues. As this isn't a "team sport", I'd have no problem proceeding until she gives me the red light because that's part of her job description. And if she would go behind her bf's back, the relationship would eventually end and some other guy would/will scoop it up, so why not that guy be you?

 

Best thing you could do in this specific situation is to tell her how you feel about her. Don't hide the fact that you're interested in her. At least then you'd know how she feels and then you could make a decision on which direction to take things.

[bball]

I'm not trying to steal her away from her current boyfriend. I'm not trying to ask her out - I'm just trying to tell her my feelings for her before it's too late. It's already been 9 years, I should have found the time during the last decade to do so! But more often then not, one of us was in a relationship before. But if I mentionned it to her when she was dating the drunk/stoner/druggy - something might have developed when they broke up even. Or she'd look me up. who knows. atleast by telling her, I'll be better late, then never