it hurts to not be normal

[itsallgrand]

Tonight was simply a bad night. Good night is a bad night. If you understand this, I'm sorry.

 

I know I am not normal, and that sucked today. Ok, I don't have delusions that cause me to glorify the normal but I am talking about being a fully functioning (or at least reasonably functioning) human being. That's what i mean by normal.

 

In my quest for understanding PTSD and all the auxillary dysfunctions that can come along with it, I've been reading a lot, talking to a lot of people, and even gotten very interested in animals studies. Animals go into shock too. Animals can become scarred and messed for life too. In the animal world, it usually means death unless they are a particularly lucky or cunning or strong little creature. In social animals, including humans, the social aspect is the most devasting. It can mean a horrific life or death by lack of being able to exist in social groups. We need to connect!

 

I was thinking of monkeys tonight after I found myself crying in a public bathroom, curled up on the floor and hugging my clothes to myself.

I no longer function like a person who can just talk to people, just be, who can have fun and express my emotions openly and so have a normal life.

 

this affects any work i set out to do, any friends i set out to make, any love, any trip or even a walk down the street. Everything everything is affected. And it sucks.

 

I get sad hearing about people with PTSD because a lot of these people end up commiting suicide, or spiralling downward even years later and even after intensive therapy. Some become alcoholics or drug addicts, some have trouble staying in jobs, some can't form any close relationships, some get violent and become abusers or go loco. We humans don't even know all that much about it when it gets down to it: we're still experimenting, and how many go their whole lives with no hope and not even knowing what is wrong with them, why their whole lives are like a living surreal nightmare.

 

Am I ever going to really get better? Is this damage permenant. How much progress can I make and am i ever going to have a normal life again. Already some of the best years of my life are gone in a blur of ugliness.

 

I'm trying to keep putting one foot in front of another, it just seems like the garbage never ends. It's always something. I need my emotions, and they aren't readily available to me like they need to be. It's like i'm programmed for pain and anxiety and joy is a foreign thing; I want to rediscover joy again.

 

I don't want to cry and I want to experience joy again, and i want to feel secure, and I want to be able to integrate in the world. Express myself without being numb, having the ability to let down my guard in normal life and truly BE.

 

Listen, I listened to this dude tonight talking crap about how if someone isn't succedding it is their fault. Fault?! Let's try: maybe you don't understand everything in the whole bloody world, and maybe you have had some things and opportunities others have not had. Maybe you had a nice mother, or maybe you had the chance, love and security at a crucial time they did not.

Maybe you're just an ignorant fool, not knowing how you are hurting other people with your supposed superiority in succedding. Maybe you don't realize that what is so easy for you, is a battle over years for someone else. Something as simple as smiling and feeling it. Or being able to reach over to someones hand and hold it, and not feel crazy inside.

 

People can be extraordinarly compassionate, and also extraordinarily cruel and stupid. Whatever.

 

It's all pretty simple but i fear this damage is serious and can't be healed. what then. It just sucks to not feel normal. to cringe when others are having a good time, and why, bc it hurts you, it hurts you to know you are having a reaction that is still stuck in your cells and brain chemistry and you want so bad to just laugh with them, to have a good time too.

 

thanks for listening to my rant. Smile. It's good for you, and a blessing.

[nottoogreen]

Hi itsallgrand,

 

Great you talk at last.

 

I can give you a simple answer on why you are going down. You do not change! Period.

 

Then, you overload your fragile mind with understanding things you do not want to understand at least at this time.

 

I assume you read Wicked, Please read my work in progress journal which is a bit expanded here: .

 

Please trust me for an hour, and look at your life in terms of simple balances. Look first at unmeetable expectations, then look at broken expectations and then at what you want and what you can do. It does work!

 

 

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Morning itsallgrand,

 

I am abnormal too, I lasted a grand total of THREE hours at my end of highschool prom last night (in a very upmarket hotel, many friends around me...potentially/should have been a wonderful evening etc) because I just can't do it, y'know?

 

But this morning I'm thinking...for me, that was a big achievement. So what if just about every other 18 year old could go for the whole duration/a normal length of time, this time last year I wouldn't even have gone...it's progress.

 

I'm not so sure what I'm trying to impart here. I think it's something like this- when you are different from the majority, you have to define progress and achievement differently, and take small steps towards "functioning".

 

And it's infinitely helpful to remember - although a little morbid, I agree - that something like 1 in 4 people get depression in their lifetimes, so not everyone is having such a good time as they appear to be. It's not You and Them...you are all People. That was badly put but the more you see yourself like others, (because essentially you ARE like them, just not working the same brain-wise right now) the less alienated you feel.

[itsallgrand]

Thanks.

 

Nottoogreen, my friend, you are right. #-o

Gave you the hour. Read through all of that slow.

 

My expectations are too high, and my effort to be happy is too low.

I don't mean this as a joke. I think I may be addicted to ruminating and rewarding myself for bad behavior.

 

The pain has been quite raw and hanging around where I can touch it, and it is scary, it is deep, and it is comforting in its own sick way. I have a way of relating to the world and dealing (stuffing) all the uncomfortable stuff away.

It's very uncomfortable doing something else.

My sea legs ain't so good.

 

It was progress, really, but it hurt last night. Growing pains or something, feeling some stuff.

I've been avoiding parties and fun social situations with people I don't know. So it was something to me to go and do something new and give myself permission to have some fun.

 

While I'm feeling somewhat able to, I'll tell you that I talk and analyze and focus on stupid little nonimportant things as a way to relieve anxiety, not to have to get on with it, not to have to face.

I don't take drugs, I dont' really drink, and I don't cut myself up or hurt other people or go picks fights. Not saying i didn't used to, but now without even cigarettes or anything it is like my final line of defence.

 

I feel like i need to find some new hobbies and other ways to replace some of this bad stuff. When i try to go cold, it doesn't work. I end up obsessing over a trivial matter.

 

Thanks, AntiLove. Means a lot. I hear what you are saying.

You're right too.

Again with the expectations, really.

 

Congrats on your graduation! I hope you had a good time last night. You deserve it.

[n83]

Itsallgrand-

I was really affected reading your post, as I can somewhat understand some of the things you were talking about ..

It sounds like you are really struggling to do some "basic" socializing .. do you have a good support system around you to make you feel more comfortable? Do you have anyone to talk to that ISNT going to tell you that your failures are your own fault ?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Lol I havn't graduated (thats next year), I was a guest of a good friend at my OLD school, but I consider it an achievement as I stuck out that....dump for 6 years. YAY ME! So I considered it a kind of graduation..the last time Id ever be involved wiht that school.

 

I really hope you find a solution or two to your problems.

[Aurian]

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a rough time I don't have PTSD, but I do understand a bit of the fear and pain of trying to do social situations. Its hard to stop micro-obsessing over what happened, what didn't happen, etc. I also have a phobia against crowds, so that makes parties really fun (Anti-love, I can't stick out a party for 3 hours! I'm usually gone within half-an-hour!).

 

Since I know I feel awkward in a party, and I know I hate crowds, I am looking for ways to socialize and have fun without those two things. Message boards are great, but you kinda want to get offline, out of the house, and into the real world. So I went to my community centres and city halls, picked up a pile of programs and signed up for things that sounded interesting to me.

 

This is easier than a party or something. I will be going to some classes for something that interests me. Even if I don't make friends, I will at least be out and socializing a bit, and doing something I enjoy. I will have a scheduled get out of the house time! (Its easier to go out and do something if you have an "appointment" - otherwise you can talk yourself out of going with all number of excuses).

 

Anyways, dunno if my ramblings help. I do hope you find a way to get moving and feel better about it. You seem like a caring person and you deserve better than to be depressed.

 

((HUG))

[nottoogreen]

Hi itsallgrand,

 

I slept on your reply. There is one more thing, it's about regrets. I once convicted myself to death on 22 counts of gross stupidity. What was that about? It was about regrets, unmeetable expectations to undo past mistakes. That time made a plan to enforce said judgement. I carried out a test which was successful. And then, I gave myself a month and I started to think. And then I went back to execute. Back there, I thought some more, an hour and let all go. Thus I am still around.

 

The best remaining advice I can give you: Let all regrets pass, let the past go, let it be. You are so young. You have a future!

 

You read about adaptibility of our minds. Beware of it in the negative sense and think positive.

 

Do not bottle it up, anticipate setbacks. It does not matter as long as the future is better.

 

Almost forgot, please be KISSed, in the Keep It Simple Stupid way. And please accept my ((hugs)).

[itsallgrand]

I wanted to thank you all. Been trying to look at this in a more positive light.

 

Anti, whoops. lol. Well, that is still progress. It's cool that you went back and faced it, and were there for your friend.

 

n83, support system...could be better. You made me think. I do have a few people in my life that are great and love me, there to support all they can. Some don't understand this, but it's time i cut them more slack and stop expecting people to understand. Time to show a bit more gratitude on my part that they care, and try, cause that is a lot.

One of my most favorite people to talk to bc they have experienced a lot of what i have and come through it further, who i can actually talk to in the flesh, is going away. So..i'll have to start thinking of how i will deal with that. that is happening fast.

 

Aurian, wow. Yeah, i relate to a lot of that. I like your approach. You're right: online is a wonderful support system and social place(i've got to talk to so many people who are going through what i have, and people who are just plain wonderful too). But it's not same.

But it does take effort on our parts..wanting to make a change, and doing what we can.

Agree 100% about it being easier when there is a set time for going somewhere, and parties are one of the hardest.

Crossing my fingers for you, but know you can overcome. So i can too, given time and just keeping trying.

 

nottoogreen, yeah regrets suck. But, it is time to put a bunch of these ghosts to rest. Your post gave me pause to consider again where i am defeating myself so badly.

 

thanks everyone.