Would love suggestions.....

[confused3]

Hi Everyone....

 

So I need a little bit of advice. I used to post on this site when I was having issues with my ex. But those day "were" long gone until recently.

 

I met the man of my dreams, or atleast I hoped he was the man of my dreams. We dated for about 6 months until he asked me to marry him. If I look back at the situation I tell myself that I was probably just feeling on the rebound from my ex. Well here is where I really need some advice. I feel like my fiance and I just dont get a long anymore. We are constantly fighting and its mainly because he is so anal about everything. It makes me feel like I cant do anything right for this man. He used to be so easy going and we used to not step on eachothers toes, but not I am so lazy and I dont want to take care of house chores at all because I feel like I cant do any of it the right way. Oh yeah to complicate things we bought a huge house and moved in together this January. So I need advice, we are on the outs right now about eachother I think it is coming to an end but I just dont know how to break it off and I dont know how to move out of this house. Please help.... I am welcome to any suggestions. Thanks

[annie24]

Hi - welcome back.

 

Why don't you two go to pre-marital counseling. I know a lot of churches these days are requiring that people get it before they get married. Have you thought of going, seeing if you two can't come eye to eye on some of these rough spot?

[confused3]

He actually does not believe in counseling. He says if you are having issues you should work them out at home, and not let anyone know your personal business. Me on the other hand, I am actually going to see my psychologist in 2 weeks. I cant wait....

[annie24]

well, I just know it is becoming more and more common these days for couples who are to be married, the priests require they attend many counseling sessions through the church, so they can make sure they are on "the same page."

 

I can't see myself being involved with such a man though. Obviously, I spend a time on enotalone, and I think that often times, strangers or an impartial 3rd party can see things that people inside the relationship can't. Plus, I think that a 3rd party could really help you two come to a compromise on issues such as cleaning the house.

 

definitely - go to the psychiatrist. talk with them about your feelings about this upcoming marriage.

 

does your fiance know how desperate you feel about the situation? that you are even thinking of walking away?

[NJRon]

If he doesn't think your marriage is worth speaking it over with a counsellor before you're even married... when you two are supposed to be in the prime... then I really have to question his ability to be willing to work through issues when the going gets tough. Talk to your psychologist and see what s/he thinks about it.

[annie24]

yes, I agree with NJ on that. You two are supposed to be in your "prime" relationship stage right now. How will he handle conflicts when you are going through a rough patch in your marriage?

[confused3]

Thats exactly what I have been thinking all along. Its really hard because my parents went to marriatal counseling, so I always have thought it is the best way to work things out. You have a mediator to help both sides understand. Also about the "prime" of the relationship. Yes we should be on cloud 9, we arent even married yet and we are having so many issues. The next step is moving out and how to break up, because I really dont see it working. And I really dont feel like myself when I am with him....

[annie24]

this is a serious issue, I think you should definitely talk to your psychiatrist about it. can you move up the appointment so you can talk to her about this sooner?

 

is your name on the new house you just bought?

[RayKay]

Yeah, I would definitely be very bothered by the fact he is "against" counselling to work through this. What happens down the road in the marriage when things get tough and you can't just "solve it at home". And, things will get tough!

 

A neutral third party can be a great benefit to listen, and give you the right tools you need to learn to listen and communicate.

 

For me, if someone is showing they are not wanting to put the work in already, I would be extremely hesitant to get married.

 

I think it is good YOU are seeing someone though!

 

Okay, on to the other things...it is a HUGE deal that you admittedly don't feel yourself with him, I assume you kinda feel you are walking on eggshells, or pressured to live up to a certain "standard"? That is definitely not positive, as you should definitely feel comfortable being you with the one you are going to marry!

 

Is your name on the house as well as his? If it is, there can be penalties for selling in the first year or so, so you have to look into that with the mortgage company. He may be able to just take over the mortgage himself, or something if that is affordable. If it is in his only....it is easier to walk away, though you may have to kiss any money you put into it goodbye unfortunately.

[annie24]

PS - is there any reason you are seeing a psychiatrist as opposed to a psychologist or a counselor? I had a wonderful psychiatrist who was a great listener and gave great advise, but their approach will be to medicate you. Do you need medication for this or another issue?

[confused3]

Well my name is on the mortgage. We have almost had the house for a year, because yes there is a penalty. It is the house of my dreams too, which really sucks. I am going to help him pay the mortgage even when I move out, because I really dont want to have him not make the payments and both of our credit scores effected by it. It is really hard to say goodbye to someone you thought you would marry. I just feel like I lost myself completely and you really summed it up for me RAYKAY I feel like I am walking on eggshells with the standards I have to live up to for him to be happy.

[confused3]

Oh its actually a psychologist that I am seeing. No medication

[annie24]

ok, that makes more sense.

[NJRon]

Concerning the house... speak to a lawyer if your name is on the mortgage. If not, and you just gave him money, then that's a whole other issue. If you put a "stake" in the house, you do not want to walk away from it. Don't think of it as putting in $10,000 toward a $100,000 house and losing $10,000. You are in fact losing that $10,000 PLUS a % of the net profit from the sale of the house equivalent to your share of money that went towards purchasing it. In the meantime, do not leave the house.

 

Every relationship has ended with one, or both of us, walking on eggshells. No relationship has begun that way.

 

I don't want sound like I am screaming that the sky is falling here, because it's not, but step back a bit a realize what he is telling you about your future together. You will never change him for the positive... only he can change himself. If he is unwilling to honestly and openly communicate with you in order to effect a positive change which will move toward promoting a healthy marriage.

 

The good news is that you can work on yourself and not let him bring you down. Don't let his antics get to you. you need to let go of the "need" to walk on eggshells and, instead, be yourself and stand up for what is right for you. Sometimes, that's all it really takes. Sometimes, I wish someone had done that to me instead of feeling like they were living in a glass house for months.

 

No need for confrontation per se... just stop being cowed into constantly thinking how your actions are going to affect him. Think about how they are going to affect you, and do what you believe will affect you positively.

 

A counsellor is a great first step. Psychiatry and Therapy can be a great combination. However, if i had to choose, unless I was clearly suffering a mental illness or had anxiety issues or some such thing, I would start with a Therapist.

 

Best wishes.