Anyone achieved a good friendship?

[Nick_t]

Hi guys,

 

I've posted a couple of threads on the forum before, each one going through a different phase of my break up with my gf. Its been about 2 1/2 weeks now since she broke up with me. I've been through different motions - depression, acceptance, hope, despair, etc.

 

It was always going to be hard to have nc because i worked with her Monday - Wednesday, and she only lives round the corner, so was always seeing her etc.

 

She ended it very suddenly because she realised she needed to be dependant by herself, wanted to just be on her own and we are both too young to be in a serious relationship. This bit I have accepted. She has said the reason for the split is because she wants to be on her own, not be with anyone else.

 

However i found out on Monday that she kissed some other guy who is a year below her at Uni last Saturday when drunk and out with her mates. They spent all night chatting and she met up with him and his mates on Sunday and Monday. When I asked her about it she said it was just a silly mistake and reassured me she still needed to be on her own, and not to be with someone else. She was coping with the split in her own way, which is keeping herself busy, but drunken kisses were not on the agenda. But she did say he and his mates were a good laugh and good company.

 

I've noticed this guy is slowly increasing contact with her every day by txts and on messenger, and on her myspace/bebo homepage. It's annoying because although she doesn't want to be with anyone, I know she will love the attention and respond to him, because she probably does find him attractive. However i am having to accept this and move on.

 

Do you believe it is a rebound thing, or she is simply just keeping her options open and all part of her idea of being on her own and having fun?

 

At the same time, I have let her know that I really want to work at a friendship, which she has agreed with. I know this comes accross as naive, and people will slate me for this, but i'm accepting it's all over but I love her company so much and vice versa. We are still on good terms, see each other all the time so it is very hard just to move on. I want her to see me as someone she can turn to, and she has expressed the same.

 

Has anyone achieved a good friendship with an ex? If so how long did it take for both of you become comfortable with eachother and be good friends. It will be a slow process, but any suggestions to make her feel like i'm being genuine about the friendship and not wanting more, which deep down believe me or not is not on my mind because i'm not setting myself up for being hurt again. We are playing badminton tonight and she said she is really looking forward to it, plus said next time i go on a run to let her know so she can join me.

 

Its not going to happen overnight, but I care for her so much, vice versa but we have both agreed we cannot be in a realtionship, and need to have our fun.

 

Thanks for reading and for any advice?

[Vanilla]

funny that you bring this up since I hung out with my ex boyfriend (we dated for 2 yrs) yesterday and had lunch with some mutual friends.

 

I broke up with my ex out of nowhere, because I was young and I wanted to go and see other things and soon after I met my current boyfriend (going on 4 yrs together). My ex had it hard for the first month, especially when he found out about me and my current boyfriend hitting it off (since we were both in the same high school classes). But the greatest thing my ex did was come up to me and say with full honesty "if he makes you happy, then I am happy for you" and ever since, we've been the best of friends. In fact him and my boyfriend go to the same University, talk, etc.

 

Unfortunately my boyfriend was at work yesterday so he couldnt come, but me, my ex, his new girlfriend and a friend all went out to lunch and had an awesome time and will hang out many more times to come. He is my buddy, my brother, my confidant, and we get along better than ever. He is a gentleman and I love him so much and I am so lucky to be friends with him.

 

Now this is rare, I can't say that for any of my other ex's- infact I don't talk to them and dont like to run into them, but they were not serious. They were little phases in my life. It all depends on the level of maturity, respect and love that you had in your relationship. We both respect eachother so much and care for eachother that we feel so c omfortable. But I do warn sometimes we bicker like brother and sister, and it's so funny and great to see the changes.

 

i guess this evolved after we both knew 100% feelings of "in love" were very long gone, and that we would be great friends. It's a very very happy ending. Hope yours can be too! ;-)

[Vanilla]

ps: let her have her space and go do what she needs to do. If you follow her and push a reconciliation you may only end up pushing her away. I don't know how young you or her are, or how long you dated... but speaking from a young girl's mind that seemed very like your girlfriend in my last relationship...I knew it wasn't a rebound, but that I was having "fun". She may have said she didn't want to be with anyone else but on her own, however that may have been a softer way of saying she wanted to go out with other guys.

[Nick_t]

That's great to hear. It sounds like the two of you really understand eachother. I want my ex to think of me like that.

 

I went out with my gf for 2 years and we are still both coping with the break up as it is still fresh. The thing is I want to ask her if she wants to do things all the time because I want that feeling of her being my my buddy, my sister, my confidant, and for her to feel the same. I told her yesterday that i don't want to put any pressure on her to do things, but i would really treasure this friendship and will really work hard for it to happen. She said that was good because she is feeling its gone from nothing to full on again. So I have taken this on board and not rushing into things. It would just really mean something to me if I knew for sure she felt the same.

 

Any suggestions on what to say to her tonight when playing badminton regarding the matter, or just leave it and leave it how it is? I want to go to the cinema tomorrow night and will ask her if she fancies joining me, but will say just an option if you fancy it, let me know. Is that the best way to approach it

[ConfusedBigTime]

Unfortunately, no, I have not had success in achieving a good friendship with my ex.

 

Just a brief history, I am the dumpee. We had a great relationship for a year and then she slowly started becoming more distant until she decided she did not want a relationship with me. She said that she still wanted to remain friends. After a couple of months of healing, I agreed. Since then, she continues to remain very distant. I am not sure why, but I have decided to move on and not worry about it. She walked away from a great relationship and now I feel she has also walked away from a promising friendship. With the exception of talking to her to tell her I would like to remain friends, we have been in NC for about 5 months and I will not initiate contact with her. She is the one that walked away. If she has a change of heart, she will have to contact me.

 

It is sad the decisions she has made; however, I have no control over that. She really is a great person but for some reason, she changed.

 

I am not saying a great friendship is not possible with an ex, it is just not very common and obviously did not work in my situation even though I felt I did everything I could do to make it work.

 

Best of luck to you!

[Nick_t]

she is 20 and i am 23. I have a feeling that might be the case, and i accepted that in my head, yet when i heard it had happened it was a different matter. But now I have accepted it has happened i feel i can slowly but gradually move on, and do the same when i feel right.

 

She has reassured me on several occasions she doesn't want to be with someone else and she will value this friendship, but i agree I need to let her have her space or it will look too clingy.

 

She doesn't necessarily want to be with someone else, but she wants to have her fun, which will be hard to accept at first but it is something i need to accept to move on myself. She has admitted she will feel the same if i decide to branch out but she knows she's made this decision and needs to stick by it to get out of it what she needs. She says she is just keeping herself busy bu having fun with her girlfriends, and that she feels the same as I do that she's not looking to branch out. Plus sometime in the future she does believe in us getting back together,

 

But only time will tell at the moment and I'm definitely not putting myself on hold for her or anyone and she knows that. It's just nice to be nice to eachother, because I could't bear throwing away the laughs we had and moving on completely especially as i will be seeing her arounf all the time!

 

its a tricky one, thats why i came here.

[ConfusedBigTime]

Nick,

 

I agree. If there is any chance, give her space and move on with your life.

[Serena68]

I actually have had luck with being friends with on of my exes. Ironically he is now my pillar/shoulder to cry on while I am going through another breakup now.

 

He is the only person whom I can talk to ,doesn't matter what time i call. he is patient and gives me sound advise. It took us about a year to develop this. And I am very thankful for having him as my best friend.

 

I was in the beginning hurt because he didn't /couldn't be friends with me (even though he was the one who dumped me) but through the course of time we were able to talk and develop this fine friendship we have now.

 

So yes I think becoming friends with an ex is possible, but it takes time and both parties have to be willing.

[Nick_t]

Thank you for all these posts - it gives those who can't necessarily just go NC just like that(due to working with each other etc) hope. But it also shows that two people can move on but remain friends.

 

She might look like she's moving on quicker than me, but i'm sure she is finding it just as hard (which she has admitted), and is wary of what we are doing. Hence the reason why she's not jumping into the whole friendship straight away. Ofcourse i still have feelings for her, and the other day she said everyone knows I still love you, but these feelings won't disapear over night. So knowing I can't be a relationship with her, I am trying to focus these feelings into a good solid friendship!

 

I just don't know what to say to her to make her understand where i'm comiing from, plus to make her feel more comfortable with it all. All I want to do sometimes is give her a big hug, and nothing else, cause that just makes me smile. But how can i get this accross to her without her thinking i'm doing for another reason?

 

Any ideas?

[Scout]

She has said the reason for the split is because she wants to be on her own, not be with anyone else.

 

Ok, brace yourself for this, because it's going to be hard to hear. That line is one of the oldest used when people break up with their boyfriends/girlfriends because they are interested in seeing other people.

 

No one wants to come right out and say, "I'm attracted to other people enough that I want to break off our relationship so that I am free to do so."

 

What your ex said is pretty much the translation of that. The fact some guy is already in the picture is concrete proof.

 

Want to save yourself even more grief? Drop the idea of being "friends" until you are fully healed from this girl. By then, you won't even care if you're friends or not. But if you stay in contact with her, you're going to be subjected to even more incidents of hearing about/seeing her with other guys. And one day, your "Friendship" with her will come to a screeching halt when either a) you get fed up with her and you two have a huge scene, or b) she abruptly stops contact with you because she is getting into a new, exclusive relationship with someone else.

 

I've seen this over and over on eNotalone and in real life. Trust me, friend. Save yourself a world of pain, and do not get Friendzoned.

[Nick_t]

The thing is it is very difficult to have no contact with her becasue i always see her. In 5 weeks time everyone comes back to university and that is when i will be able to move on fully because there will be more distractions. At the moment there is no one around to keep me too busy to stop thinking about her.

 

I am always thinking about her, and want to stay close. I feel I can't heal if I see her all the time when i'm trying to stay away. So I thought I could heal better if we had this friendship to work on, and continue to have fun by ourselves too. Which means for her to have her space and do what she wants to do - maybe flirt with other guys or not. I don't think it's a case of her wanting to be with other guys, i believe at this time she needs to feel attractive and sexy again, to be wanted by others but be free and single. With me she had that everyday but felt she was too young to be so deep into a relationship, she also wants that feeling of being single because with me it goes much deeper, emotions are involved and she was so dependent on me. I can say she doesn't want to jump straight into a relationship right now, and if she does it won't last because she won't want to commit so soon. But what do I know?

 

I've accepted that is what she wants, and by saying that, is her saying she wants to have her fun, so I will have to come to terms with that. But why can't I do that myself? Like I said that is something she has said she will have to accept when it happens.

[Vanilla]

I dont think spending a ton of time together now will make things go smooth. Things are still fresh and I think it may be a bit overwhelming for one of you.

 

I didn't break up with my ex and suddenly we became buddies...It took time, grieving, fighting, accepting, forgiving, letting go, having time away, to come back and start fresh as friends. Had we spent a lot of time together right after the break up I would have felt suffocated and quite honestly annoyed with him and we would probably NOT be friends right now.

 

I needed space, and I was interested in other boys and I know that hurt his feelings but the reason it worked was because we were away from eachother and he came back in my life once we were both settled separately and had already moved on.

 

I would really not push for any "hanging out" time at the moment. Talk on the phone, maybe some emails saying whats up or meet up for some coffee at the most. But I do not suggest a dinner, a movie, nothing a couple would do together. Sorry but thats my take on it having been in your ex girlfriends SAME shoes.