How do you do it?

[PreexistingCondition]

How do you take the first steps? This is so hard. I know that we need to part ways. My gut is screaming that it's the right thing to do if I want to be happy. How do you get over that part of you that still doesn't want to hurt them, even though they've hurt you? How do you tell that part of yourself that wants to fix everything and trust them that it's not going to be any different this time and that you need to get out for your own good?

 

Also, do you break the "I just called a lawyer" news to them, or just let the papers be served? How do you tell your spouse you can't stay together?

 

Everyone I've talked to has said I need to get out. My health is starting to suffer from the stress. Why can't I find the courage to just say "I can't do this anymore."? Just looking for some advice.

[brando]

Be honest. And tell them what you want.

[annie24]

have you talked to a therapist? it might be helpful to go to a therapist during this difficult time. maybe they would have some suggestions on what to say to your soon-to-be ex.

[RayKay]

You should tell them before the papers are served...unless there is abuse whereas you just high tail it out of there and they will get the idea when they get the papers. In your case, I know he became very heated and so on, so only you can know if he is also physically violent.

 

I read your others posts, and I can see why you are taking this step. The only way to get over those doubts is to make the decision, and stick to it. There is no simple way...you just have to believe in your choice.

 

It will not be easy, and divorce is not easy...but if you are this miserable, and fearful of your own husband, it's a sign that it is the better option over staying with him.

[brando]

I think he needs to hear you say it to him. It is for you, to show him that you are putting your foot down, will not tolerate his behavoir any longer, and that you are done with this marriage.

 

It will be more painful to stay, or prolong telling him. I know it will be hard, i didn't want ot hear it from my ex, but it was necessary for me to hear it and understand she meant it.

[Tylin]

I read your other thread as well. My story is similar in a lot of ways: my husband became verbally abusive and my mother is in her last stages of a hard battle with MS. It has been tearing me apart for the last year and a half.

 

To make a long story short, I should have moved back in with my mom last January, but instead I got us into marriage counseling and kept trying to save a marriage that simply could not be saved. In the end, the counseling failed because he really didn't change himself, he just changed his behavior temporarily. Without trust and respect, there can be no intimacy. Without intimacy, I feel our marriage is only that piece of paper from the state.

 

How to break the news. Yes, it was really tough the first time around. I don't know if its good advice or not, but it helped me a lot to get mad about all of the hardships he willingly put me through: my money that he wasted, the names he called me, the demands he made. I wrote them all down, because I seem to forget them the minute he becomes nice again. I reminded myself that it was only going to keep happening (and it did). When you start pining for the "good old times," pull out the list and give yourself a dose of reality!

 

This forum helped me a lot. My best friend helped me stop dragging my feet on the separation as well. She told me that I would regret it for the rest of my life if I didn't move back in with my mom before her time was up. And she knew from experience because she moved home from living with a deadbeat boyfriend to help her mom when she was going through chemotherapy. And it really worked out for her-- her mom beat breast cancer, and then she met the man of her dreams, whom she just married. I've never seen her so happy.

 

Give it to him straight and keep your family and future in mind. Move out as soon as you can, though. Things will get really strained after he knows, especially if he's had issues with respecting you in the first place.

[PreexistingCondition]

Thanks so much. It seems as though there's only one thing to do. Just say the words.

 

Tylin, it seems as though you know exactly what I'm going through. I had to call my friend today because he has started being nice to me again, and I can feel myself wavering. I need to stand my ground because he isn't going to change. She also suggested I make a list. We actually verbally started a pros/cons list together, and to tell you the truth the pros list was really hard to come up with.

 

So far, this forum has been so helpful. It's so nice to know that there are lots of other people out there who have been through this and are willing to share their stories.

 

I also found out that he already sought legal advice, and I think that is what accounts for his rapid change in attitude. He's covering his butt. All of a sudden he wants to pay for my doctor visits so he can't be found negligent. Oi. How did it work out for you? Did your husband lose it when you told him? That worries me a little.

[Tylin]

To be honest, I'm still wavering, too. I don't know how long it will take for me to get over that feeling that I might be making the wrong decision. I need to think with my head and not the heart that got me into this situation. I'm still moving things out and should be totally moved by the end of the month and will stop contact after that.

 

The first time I broke him the news he got violently angry with me and blamed me for the failed relationship. I left to stay with my parents and that night he called me up (I knew I shouldn't have answered!) and told me he was so sorry and suicidal and that he wanted me to come back home that night. I went back the next day.

 

The second time (after he quit marriage counseling) he was upset with me again, but not violent about it. He's since gotten a second job and has been so busy and tired that I don't know how he's really taking it.

 

So your spouse is getting legal advice. Hmmm... it seems to me that if he were really concerned about the relationship he would be running for a marriage counselor and not an attorney straight away. Be careful around him. Hopefully he's just watching out for his money and not looking for a way to hurt you.

[PreexistingCondition]

Yeah, that whole violently angry thing is partially what I'm worried about. I'm also worried that he'll try to get me to feel sorry for him or guilty and manipulate me into staying.

 

We are going to counseling right now, but the more we talk, the more I feel like I don't even want to be with him anymore, like he isn't worth all of this work. I also feel like he's just putting on a show. He keeps saying all of this sappy stuff, but I can always seem to find an alterior motive. For instance, last night he called (I had an individual appointment with our pastor), and was saying how much he misses me, etc...but the whole time seemed like he was trying to get me to tell him what the counselor and I talked about. He has an appointment with her on Wednesday, I can only imagine the crap he will feed her about himself and our relationship.

 

I just remember that the last time I had this horrible of a feeling, we were in serious trouble, and I wanted out. I didn't listen to my gut and regretted it. Here's another chance, and I just feel like if I ignore this again and try to work it out, I'll be unhappy.