PreexistingCondition

Just something to look into... I've heard that it's easy to get an infection in pools/hot tubs. His penis can actually push the water up into your uterus and the bacteria will go right in with it. Just something I've heard, but it's worth looking into. The condom is also definitely an issue, especially if that's your only form of BC. Otherwise, you can always do a lot of foreplay in the pool, and then just take things to the bedroom. You don't have to actually have sex in the pool for it to be hot. At least not in my opinion.

I just finished my Psychology of Sexuality course last semester, and I have a feeling that a big part of your problem is blood flow. It is also the reason a lot of guys orgasm too early on top. The more major muscle groups you're working, the better your blood is flowing, the more quickly you're going to orgasm. If you are not moving enough, it is totally plausible that there is not enough blood flowing around to keep you erect. Try putting more effort into it. Help her ride you, whatever it takes. Get yourself moving too. Hope that helps!!

This maybe simplifying things, but I think that too many partners is one more than your current partner, gf or bf is willing to accept.

Yeah, that whole violently angry thing is partially what I'm worried about. I'm also worried that he'll try to get me to feel sorry for him or guilty and manipulate me into staying. We are going to counseling right now, but the more we talk, the more I feel like I don't even want to be with him anymore, like he isn't worth all of this work. I also feel like he's just putting on a show. He keeps saying all of this sappy stuff, but I can always seem to find an alterior motive. For instance, last night he called (I had an individual appointment with our pastor), and was saying how much he misses me, etc...but the whole time seemed like he was trying to get me to tell him what the counselor and I talked about. He has an appointment with her on Wednesday, I can only imagine the crap he will feed her about himself and our relationship. I just remember that the last time I had this horrible of a feeling, we were in serious trouble, and I wanted out. I didn't listen to my gut and regretted it. Here's another chance, and I just feel like if I ignore this again and try to work it out, I'll be unhappy.

Thanks so much. It seems as though there's only one thing to do. Just say the words. Tylin, it seems as though you know exactly what I'm going through. I had to call my friend today because he has started being nice to me again, and I can feel myself wavering. I need to stand my ground because he isn't going to change. She also suggested I make a list. We actually verbally started a pros/cons list together, and to tell you the truth the pros list was really hard to come up with. So far, this forum has been so helpful. It's so nice to know that there are lots of other people out there who have been through this and are willing to share their stories. I also found out that he already sought legal advice, and I think that is what accounts for his rapid change in attitude. He's covering his butt. All of a sudden he wants to pay for my doctor visits so he can't be found negligent. Oi. How did it work out for you? Did your husband lose it when you told him? That worries me a little.

How do you take the first steps? This is so hard. I know that we need to part ways. My gut is screaming that it's the right thing to do if I want to be happy. How do you get over that part of you that still doesn't want to hurt them, even though they've hurt you? How do you tell that part of yourself that wants to fix everything and trust them that it's not going to be any different this time and that you need to get out for your own good? Also, do you break the "I just called a lawyer" news to them, or just let the papers be served? How do you tell your spouse you can't stay together? Everyone I've talked to has said I need to get out. My health is starting to suffer from the stress. Why can't I find the courage to just say "I can't do this anymore."? Just looking for some advice.

Thanks so much, all of you. It's amazing how people you don't even know will band together and support you simply because they understand, or have been there themselves. What a great forum, it's a pity I didn't discover this years ago. Anyway, as an update... he called today. Changed his whole tune. Overnight, he understands what I'm going through, and wants to help me in any way he can...blah blah. I can't believe he expects me to buy that. In one night, you do a total 180? I don't think so. He also had the balls to say that if I don't work this out with him, it's going to be someone else (as if this is all my problem). Besides the fact that I don't need a man to be happy. Like if I don't pick him, I"ll just have to find another guy because I can't possibly have a full life without one...yeah right. Anyway, I'm getting in touch with a lawyer on monday. I get a sick feeling when I think about staying together. If that's not my guts telling me something, I don't know what is.

Also, I forgot to say thank you so much for the support. I very much appreciate hearing women who have been there tell me I'm not crazy for thinking this is wrong. You only hear about dominance and control AFTER it gets out of hand. I don't want it to even get close to that point.

The more I talk about this, the more I keep hearing the same things: anger, control, and a total inability to put himself in my shoes. I really don't think these are qualities that will change. We had a "talk" on the phone last night (screaming match more like), and I've become more convinced that this needs to end before it gets any worse. He told me that he thinks I'm making excuses and that I only don't have a job because I don't want one. I'm not allowed to climb a ladder right now for crying out loud. I can't drive. How am I supposed to hold a steady job if I can't be counted on to get there every day? He's being ridiculous. He says that I am exaggerating by saying that me driving is risking my life. What would you call it!? I woke up on Saturday (from my seizure) in the house I grew up in, asking my father who he was and where I was. Yeah, sounds like I'm in great shape to drive and/or work. Also, thanks to my wonderful husband, I have no health insurance...long story, but now none of this seizure stuff is covered, soooo...I have to switch meds because I can't afford the ones I'm on right now. This means I have another med to get used to and my risk of seizures will again be up. He is calling my family now, trying to get them to talk to him, and having his family call me...this is ridiculous. My friend's uncle is a divorce lawyer. I asked for his number today. The thought of staying together makes me nauseous, that can't be good.

Thanks so much. The more I think about this situation, and talk to family and friends (people I love and respect), I keep hearing the same things. He isn't considering me, and I need to do what feels right. I keep looking for a "good enough reason" to end this, and I need to realize that just not wanting to be together for the rest of my life IS a good enough reason. I think this relationship is unfair for BOTH of us, and I just am having a hard time seeing this work. I intend to keep our appointment with our pastor, but I'm not sure what there is left to do. I'm tired of working on rebuilding my trust in him. I shouldn't have to all the time, you should be able to depend on your spouse, and I don't feel I can anymore. Thanks so much for your comment, it's so nice to know this isn't just in my head or something.

Okay, I've never used that quote thing before, and I needed more than 1-sorry if I screwed it up. So, here's the thing...when I went to him about this possibility of not going to live by his family, it was "I don't know if I can move there." I certainly didn't "tell" him how it was going to be or anything like that. Secondly, I forgot to mention WHAT was being yelled. He screamed something at me "No it ISN'T" or something to that effect, and I in return said "What was that? Don't ever talk to me like that again." Then he yelled "DON'T EVER TELL ME WHAT TO DO." two or three times. I told him to stay away from me, that he was being disrespectful, and that I was leaving. I also forgot to mention that there is a lot of history with the men in his family and tempers, and that his dad used to hit the kids with objects (sticks, belts, etc.). There is a history of violence in the family. In all fairness, yes, there was a plan to move out there someday, but circumstances have changed since then, and his inability to adjust worries me. I think maybe RayKay had a good point in that maybe we were expecting marriage to "fix" certain things, and now that it isn't, the problems are still there. Also, maybe it's me. Maybe I wasn't ready to marry. He was my first bf, and I know that marriage is one big compromise. I'm good at that. I thought we as a couple were good at that, but now it seems as though I'm the one who has to make all of the compromises. Though I do think that starting your new family unit is crucial in a marriage, I don't believe you should have to totally abandon your former life to do that.

So, about three weeks ago I brought up an issue to my husband of six months (no kids) that has been on my mind. He is originally from accross the country, where half of his family now lives, half of them being here. He would eventually like to move back there. When we were dating, and up until recently, I had no problem. Since February, my mother who is suffering from chronic illnesses (among them Multiple Sclerosis, and Bipolar disorder, now possibly also Parkinson's) has been in the hospital almost 2 months total. I am the only child, and right now my dad needs my help badly. I told my husband I am having doubts about being able to move. This issue has spawned all kinds of other issues, some of which are really upsetting to me. The largest so far is that we got into it last weekend, and he screamed like I've never seen him before. I've seen his temper get out of hand, but never like this. He yelled, and slammed his fist on things (didn't hit me, but I felt afraid). I left and went to my parents' house for the weekend. I went back to our apartment for the week, and we hardly talked until Friday. He didn't understand how his yelling could affect my trust in him like I said it did. This is also not the first time he has broken my trust. Since we've been together, he's broken off an engagement, seen other women (we weren't together but had made an agreement not to see other people), and then when I found out about it continued to lie for a time about the OW. I'm not trying to drudge up past issues, but how many breeches in trust do I forgive before I'm just a fool?? He's also now putting pressure on me, saying that I'm not trustworthy because I don't have a job yet. I graduated college in May, and was looking for a job (while helping out with my mother), when the epilepsy I had as a child reared its ugly head again (in July). I am supposed to have 3 seizure free months before I can drive again, making the job hunt/holding a job next to impossible. I was already driving to interviews when I wasn't supposed to, but I had another seizure this past weekend, and he's now telling me I "need to decide" whether I can hold a job or not so he can either look for another job, or make plans. He was supposed to go back to school this fall, and finish his remaining 2 years. As of now, our long-term "plan" is ridiculous. He has 2 years of nursing school left (he's 26, I'm 23), he needs 2-4 years work experience for grad school, then 2 years grad school. He wants to go to grad school and live by his family accross the country, then move back "if something bad happens" to my parents. I don't want to wait until something bad happens. He has also had the nerve to tell me I'm emotionally dependent on my parents because of my want to stay here and help them, and thinks I need to live away from them and all my friends and family, so I start to depend more on him than them, like a wife should. I don't know what to do anymore. Any advice would be helpful. My pastor is on vacation for the week, so I have no one impartial to talk to until then. Just the fact that all my friends (besides one who is not in a great relationship) and family are telling me that these are red flags, and to divorce him is really unsettling to me. I'm staying with my parents for now. If any of this makes no sense, please ask questions. Thanks in advance, there seems to be good advice in these forums.