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thoughts needed pls! i broke up with him because we didn't have the same goals


ally87
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After a couple of weeks considering breaking up with him i finally did it today...

 

But...

 

... I feel lonely and empty.

 

I broke up with him because we're on different paths in life. I'm 19 and he's 20. We were together for almost 1 and a half year. I'm moving abroad next year to study and eventually settle down there (as in staying there for good). I thought my bf and I agreed to move to the same place after i graduate, but we talked again about it this evening - about our dreams, goals and plans. Turns out that he doesn't want to move abroad with me. He wants us to live here where we are now...

 

I got upset because I thought we had our plans set out. I'm just not willing to change my plans for him and for us. It's selfish of me, but I feel that I have to focus on myself. I'm only 19. I decided to move abroad BEFORE he and I got together.

 

We've tried coming up with solutions. A compromise. But I felt that an issue like this isn't possible to compromise. I can't live here and there.

 

So I broke up with him. He started crying and held my hand, saying 'don't leave me'. i said that i'm not leaving him, that i'm always going to be there for him as a friend. that there aren't any other solutions. what is there to compromise?

 

i also told him that i wanted out because i want him to experience more. he's only 20. and i feel like i've hindered him of 'the real guy life'. i know him. he's never been single for a whole year! he needs this experience, and i love him so much to actually let him go.

 

he said that wanted to experience more WITH me... but i said that it's not possible because i want him to grow as an individual and that he'll anyway eventually do something stupid if we're together and when his 'guy urge' bursts out...

 

did i do the right thing?

 

i mean. he said it was too early for us to break up. but i said that it's not too early because we obviously know what we want to do later in life. i don't want us to stay together only to know that we're going to break up anyway because we're not on the same path.

 

i feel that if i stay in the relationship i'll be too dependant on him, too attatched....

 

i'm devastated. it was devastating seeing him crying so much... it was hard... we just held around each other and cried and said how wonderful we really are together, how much memories we've created.. he said that it hurt so much to know that we have to end it just because we have different goals. that were perfect together.... he told me that he still loves me and then he said that he'll find me again.. that we're going to find each other again...

 

i broke up with him now even though it's still 1 year until i leave this country. but i had to. i want the time to heal properly. if he and i broke up right before i leave it'll f*ck up my studies when i'm there...

 

so guys....

 

what are your thoughts about this?

 

-ally-

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i really have to give u applause for doing such a mature thing at a young age...

 

think about it...ur honest with him, u know what u want...it is unfortunate that someone has to get hurt, but afterall, u r, like u said, 19, and eager to see what life has to offer....

 

i do not believe it's a selfish move... i think ur very intelligent for thinking ahead...and honestly.... as long as u can say "no regrets" on the duration of ur relationship.... ur doing just fine...

 

sorry to hear about it though...must be tough

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I'm gonna be brutally honest here.

 

I think it was very selfish personally. If you knew you wanted to move, you shouldn't be getting in a relationship where you are. And saying "he'll anyway eventually do something stupid if we're together and when his 'guy urge' bursts out" seems like a copout to me.

 

I feel bad for this guy. His feelings have been damaged.

 

Thinking about your own future is great. Being uncompromising on your goals is great. But you don't get in a relationship and then dump them when they aren't willing to do everything for your future.

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well, you two are pretty young and, not to sound like the grand old oak here, there are a lot of things out there to experience.

 

I would believe it when he says that he wants to experience things "with" you. However, in the end, if he's not willing to go abroad with you and experience that, and that's what you want to do, then you did the right thing.

 

However, don't ever assume that someone needs to go off and experience things in order to grow. Sometimes people are happy where they are.

 

When people find their home in a place and not in a heart, it makes me sad. But, people are different and value different things.

 

You did the right thing for you and, thus, you did the right thing for both of you. Hopefully, one day, he will understand that.

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I have to disagree with TiredMan in this instance, and I am doing so with the assumption that you made your plan to move clear in the beginning. If you hid it, then yes, it is rather rough. However, if you were open, then he knew what he was getting into, even if he didn't know at the time what he was getting into.

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I'm gonna be brutally honest here.

 

I think it was very selfish personally. If you knew you wanted to move, you shouldn't be getting in a relationship where you are. And saying "he'll anyway eventually do something stupid if we're together and when his 'guy urge' bursts out" seems like a copout to me.

 

I feel bad for this guy. His feelings have been damaged.

 

Thinking about your own future is great. Being uncompromising on your goals is great. But you don't get in a relationship and then dump them when they aren't willing to do everything for your future.

 

Thanks for the feedback.

 

He knew that I was leaving... We talked a lot about it while we were friends before getting together.. And in the beginning of the relationship he was quite enthusiastic about it because he said that he also wanted to move abroad with me. That he'll study there too...

 

So I was actually expecting him to follow this plan...

 

I guess we were in a Honeymoon period...

 

I wrote a post a couple of days ago regarding his personality... He's an extrovert unlike me... He's done a couple of things (not cheating though) that are kind of making me trust him less. I feel like I've kept him away from the things he used to do.

 

I've prepared a lot for my studies abroad and he knows about this. But then today he said that he wanted to live here and he wanted me to study here instead... and he told me only NOW..

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i really have to give u applause for doing such a mature thing at a young age...

 

think about it...ur honest with him, u know what u want...it is unfortunate that someone has to get hurt, but afterall, u r, like u said, 19, and eager to see what life has to offer....

 

i do not believe it's a selfish move... i think ur very intelligent for thinking ahead...and honestly.... as long as u can say "no regrets" on the duration of ur relationship.... ur doing just fine...

 

sorry to hear about it though...must be tough

 

thanks!

 

but i guess it's normal to feel lonely and empty even though i know i did the right thing...

 

i'm still attatched to him.. we were together for 1 and a half year..

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well, you two are pretty young and, not to sound like the grand old oak here, there are a lot of things out there to experience.

 

I would believe it when he says that he wants to experience things "with" you. However, in the end, if he's not willing to go abroad with you and experience that, and that's what you want to do, then you did the right thing.

 

However, don't ever assume that someone needs to go off and experience things in order to grow. Sometimes people are happy where they are.

 

When people find their home in a place and not in a heart, it makes me sad. But, people are different and value different things.

 

You did the right thing for you and, thus, you did the right thing for both of you. Hopefully, one day, he will understand that.

 

we can still experience things together but not as a couple.. we were friends before we got together. but i expect some time apart before we'll eventually start hanging out together again.

 

read the post above about how his personality is... i know him... so i don't know if he'll manage to bottle in his urges if we were together.. :S

 

i've planned my studies for a very long time- even before i met him. i just can't change my plans...

 

thanks for feedback!

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let me just ask ya...

 

if he all the sudden decides to come with you....buy a plane ticket and rent an apartment and everything.... would u want him back?

 

cuz i have a feeling this breakup is caused by more than just differences in your plans....

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I dont think you are being selfish except for the fact that you broke up wiht him so "he could do his own thing." Its just a way to absolve your guilt really.

 

In the end you are only 19 (god that would be great again!) its a young age to settle down these days and really by going out and experiencing things on your OWN is one of the best ways. Some people need it some people dont but I am of the belief that EVERYONE shoud do it at some point in their lives. Just to see what they can really achieve without having someone there all the time. Quite frankly its not all that uncommon for people to really feel this urge around the mid twenties. To be healthy I really think you have to do something on your own.

 

One question how do you know you will be staying abroad for good?

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I agree, I don't think you did anything wrong. He knew of your intention to move, and he agreed intially, but now changed his mind. So, like you said, different life goals. Can't live in two places at once and long-distance isn't an option for everyone.

 

We can't tell you if you did the right thing. Does this decision feel right? What will bring you the most happiness? Staying in this country with him, or moving and being without him? Make your decision accordingly. There is never any guarantee. You could stay, and you two would break up anyways. Then you would feel dumb for not going and following your dreams.

 

I've seen something similar happen to friends - where they give up a goal or dream university to stay with their bf or gf, only to have a breakup happen a few months later. That's not a good position to be in.

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