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I want to be live for myself, but something feels like it is missing!


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I could really use a reassuring voice right now. I was cheated on and dumped by the girl who said she was in love with me every day (until the day where she told me she loved another) and who I loved back about a month ago. I have gone down up and down again since then, but right now there is really one thing that is bothering me the most. I am so annoyed because I feel like something is missing in my life now that I am not in a relationship. Especially so since she went right from me to another guy (well even before we were over).

I feel as if going out and meeting girls is taking emotionally priority over everything in my life. The story behind this seems to be something like: I just picture her with him doing everything we used to do without a drop of guilt for persuing him behind my back and selfishly pulling me into a serious relationship me when I was not number 1 in her heart. It feels so unfair that she does not have any consequences to pay for all the messed up things that she has done. But I dont want to feel that way at all, I want to not care. I know that I was the one with credibility and honor in this relationship and I feel like she does not even deserve my anger or sadness.

Getting back to the point though, does anyone else feel this way. I want to take this time to show off my strong independent side, but something in me yearns for an intimate relationship and it is so distracting. I just want to take this time to live for myself, improve myself, show people who I really am, be someone that people look up to because I challenge myself but it is conflicted with my desire to feel loved, to feel wanted, to feel admired. I have had so many people there for me, and I am so greatful, but something just feels wrong. Even though somehow, I am not that hung up on this girl, I feel a bit distant and just feel like I want someone to open my heart and read it. Thanks for listening all...

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You are not alone in feeling that way. I invested 4 years into a pseudo-relationship. The man strung me along and manipulated me knowing which buttons to push to keep me hanging on. Suddenly he stopped being in contact in April and yesterday I read in a newsletter that he just got engaged. He didn't have the decency, after 4 years of friendship (with subtle undertones that there was more to it than friendship) to tell me that he met someone else. I had to read about it. It hurts like hell that he behaved without any kind of moral conscience and integrity (and he is so active in a synagogue, claims to be spiritual and makes a big deal out of the fact that he goes to synagogue to pray) and is now happily planning a wedding while I am left devastated by his cruelty.

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Well put, guy.

That conflict between going solo or seeking affection is a troubling dilemma.

 

Going solo and rejecting the idea of love protects you from involving an innocent in a rebound thing and keeps you from entanglements until you heal enough to make good decisions.

Of course you can use someone to get over your ex, but you seem the considerate type.

 

In time you'll find yourself in a better place.

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Well you have that much right, I will never ever take someone into a serious relationship unless I am ready to make them number 1. I know what that feels like, and although it makes me feel like a drama king to say so I cannot really imagine that she could have done anything worse. Honesty, thats it.

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To sum this up I think I am having a conflict between my high self respect and the fact the feeling that I am questioning if I am worth loving. Mostly because I feel that people are not interested in people that have to ask that question. I just need time to heal...

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I had a similar experience and ran a gamut of extreme emotions before accepting that I was better off without her. My main mistake was developing a mistrust of women that led me to be abusive and arrogant.

It took a few years, but my fangs are gone.

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Although I was not cheated on, my ex of 3.5 years started dating two weeks after we broke up. Having been cheated on by a previous boyfriend, I can say with all honesty that the feelings are very similar.

 

In any case, good God, man, don't feel bad because you're mixed up right now. And don't beat yourself up for wanting to get into another relationship, but you know you shouldn't do it, right? I have that similar urge to compete with my ex, but I looked deep within myself and determined that, well, the sexual/romantic part of me is dead right now. Meeting a cute/smart/charming guy does nothing for me except annoy... This will pass for you and for me once we reach Defcon 5 of the breakup process or whatever. This just means that, unlike our exes, we want to give the one we're with all of us. Right?

 

Anyway, I would suggest hanging out with your friends all the ding-dang time. They love you and will make you feel lovable again. Seriously. Get drunk with 'em and have a heart-to-heart. Stay up all night. Hang out with people every single day for a week. Put some distance between yourself and your breakup. I swear, this works the best. Feeling like you have a life is a great band-aid.

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Thanks for your support finewhine. I would definitely not get into a relaionship until I am healed, and would be totally honest about my feelings and relationships with other people(unlike my ex). I am trying to keep very busy and surround myself with friends and it helps a lot, its just that empty feeling. Today I had a horrible day, my ex called to tell me that she could not cancel the class we were taking together next year, so I did instead. I did not try to talk about anything and was totally neutral. She was so cold and it hurt to be reminded of how I thought she cared so much about not hurting other people and being sensitive to others, and just how wrong I was. She just wanted to avoid the discomfort that SHE felt.

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