60 year old married man trying to pin me down for a date.

[ChrissyV]

I sort of already answered my own question before I even asked all of you, but I figured I'd run it by you and see what you thought.

Ever thought someone was a genuinely nice person and then they really turned out to be a pervert?!?

I used to work at a firm with several other people, one of whom was a 60 year old man. When I worked there, he was very nice and helpful. I learned a lot from him and he seemed truly sincere and caring. He wasn't all lip service like a lot of my other fake co-workers were. He seemed genuinely helpful and thoughtful. He has a high rank in the firm, is on the board of trustees of a major university and he also used to be a professor.

I had heard rumors about him being a pervert. Many women in the firm referred to him as "grandpa pedophile." His 34 year old secretary told me that he made a pass at her and asked her to go out to dinner with him when his wife was out of town. Despite this, I wasn't quick to label him a pervert because I truly believed in his kindness. I thought to myself- gee, maybe his secretary misunderstood his intentions. But truth be told, everyone can't be wrong. Rumors aren't always true, but when nearly every female in the firm refers to him as a perv, something has got to be up. I did not want to believe he was a skanky man. He and I had a nice working professional relationship. We were very cordial to each other, but that was the extent of it. We never congregated outside of work.

Occasionally he would do the wink (which sort of creeped me out) and he'd do the classic hand on your back type of thing, but I didn't read too much into it at the time. Just thought he was being friendly.

I left the firm last month for another job. A couple of weeks ago, out of the blue, he emails me badgering me to meet up with him. When I didn't respond quick enough (meaning I didn't respond within the half hour), he sent me multiple emails from his blackberry device trying to pin me down for a date to meet up with him. I politely told him I was going away to Florida for a couple of weeks (which was true.)

He asked me to meet with him the very next day after I was scheduled to return home, which was totally RUDE. He never said have a nice trip, or let's talk when you get back, none of that! He just kept trying to get me to meet him! UGH!!!

I was so disappointed in him! I think he was being totally sketchy! EW! I'm 26. He's 60. His sons and daughter are several years older than me! Gosh, ever been disappointed by someone who was nice but ended up being a perv?

I never responded to his last email attempt to pin me down for a date. I'm going to be changing my email address soon anyway (for reasons unrelated to him.) So I figure I'll just never correspond with him ever again.

I mean he's a good reference to have in terms of my career (because of his position of prominence), but seriously, I don't think any of that is worth keeping in contact with him for.

I've dealt with shady people like him before and I've come to learn that avoidance is the best policy. Do you agree?

I choose this route for 3 reasons:

 

1) confronting him about how his behavior is wrong is NOT going to change a thing and it will just make him mad at me for no good reason.

2) keeping in contact with him politely won't work because he is such a nudge who doesn't get the hint and will keep pestering me to meet with him, so polite correspondence from me to him will give him the wrong idea.

3) even if I keep in contact with him for the sake of professionalism and in the hopes that he may come in handy to put in a good word for me in the future, he'll probably expect "favors" out of me in return for any help he gives me. EW! And I think that is so not worth it. I'm a capable person who can do things on my own and I don't need to indulge this wannabe philanderer in order to further my career sometime in the future.

 

So I choose total avoidance.

Maybe I'm overreacting, but the dude is married! My gut feeling told me that he is completely shady. And I've been trusting my gut a lot these days because more often than not my first instincts are usually right. Many times when I ignore my hunches, I get myself into sticky situations.

[annie24]

It sounds like you answered your own question. Ignore the old goat. I'm sure he's hounding 6 other young women for dates the same time he was chasing you.

[Hope75]

Have you thought of responding like this:

 

 

"No thankyou. Your requests to meet are making me uncomfortable. I prefer to keep our relationship a professional, working one, and that is all."

 

Short and sweet, and letting him know that his behavior is unwanted. If he continues to press it after that, you can ignore him.

 

What do you think?

[yeawutever]

Yea, just ignore him and move on, if he's trying to date you while he's suppost to commit to someone else then he's a no good player/loser.

[robowarrior]

In this case its TRUE!, but true or not rumours are always there for a reason, and he is definitly at the basis of creating these rumours because basically he is cheating on his wife. I don't care how high ranked he is, or if he was a professor, he is hurting his wife and is just a godawfull person for doing so, he's just nice so he can get close to you and with a little luck he'll end up sleeping with you

 

Avoidance is good, if he still makes advances ask him nice and difficult questions like: Weren't you married? What does your wife think of this? Wouldn't she be hurt? What about your marriage oath? Try to ask him question that will make him feel reaaaaally guilty.

[ChrissyV]

Ok cool. You all made my avoidance decision more concrete.

 

If he steps up the badgering from email to calling me on the phone or something like that, then I'll make a pointed commentary to him along the lines of "no thank you" like Hope75 said or "What does your wife think" as robowarrior suggested.

 

But otherwise, I am totally going to ignore the "old goat."

Stupid pervert!

 

Robo Warrior:

>>he's just nice so he can get close to you and with a little luck he'll end up sleeping with you

 

Hahahah. That was hysterical. It's so true.

 

And also yes, workplace rumors about someone's reputation always seem to be true to a certain extent. Seriously, everyone just can't be wrong!

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

Actually, workplace rumors can be way off. But still, if you see some of the behaviors the rumors are stating yourself, best to play it safe and believe the rumors.

 

This guy is bad news period. Honestly, it sounds like he wouldn't be above blackmailing you to get what he wants either. You mentioned getting a reference from him? How about a terrible reference unless you meet for dinner, that sort of thing. Personally, I'd cut off contact with this guy completely and immediately. It's obvious he doesn't think that much of you after all.

[Hope75]

Rather than provoking him further, which I suspect a comment about his wife would do, it might be better just to stick to your own feelings, like telling him that his requests are making you uncomfortable and you do not want to meet him outside of work. If you mention the wife or him hitting on you, you just give him fuel to argue back and deny what you suspect are romantic advances. (and you are likely right- but he isn't likely to admit that!).

 

So it's best to stick to what has concretely happened and not give him a chance to argue back... then maybe you can still get your point accross and be comfortable at work without creating even more drama than is already there.

[annie24]

LOL. How about, "You remind me of my grandfather!" That will shut him down fast

[ChrissyV]

Lonelyinasmalltown: That is EXCELLENT advice. You hit the nail on the head. You are absolutely right. If I were to even continue any kind of polite communication with that creep, it wouldn't be long before he began blackmail techniques. Very insightful commentary. Thank you.

[ChrissyV]

LOL. How about, "You remind me of my grandfather!" That will shut him down fast

 

Hahahaha. That was funny!